To have called the Police on DD (13)

[MrsJonSno]

Because I feel like the worst Mum in the world right now.

Back story is that DD is generally good kid;
she does well at and enjoys schoool, predicted great GCSE results, never been in trouble with school or Police, never been in a fight etc. No issues at home, normal family and household. Can be rude, can answer back, the odd tantrum- normal teenage stuff I guess.

Three weeks ago DD missed school for the first time ever. I was informed and she was spoken to and had her iPhone and internet access removed for a week. She didn’t seem bothered really and couldn’t give any real reason for it. I wasn’t too angry and as it was first time occurance (and I admit I did the same a few times when I was a teenager) we decided to draw a line as long as it didnt happen again.

She then started being rude at home, cheeky, smart arse snippy comments etc. Then a week later she went out for a few hours one afternoon and didn’t get back home until Midnight. I was worried sick, had reported her missing to Police- the works. When she strolled back in she wasn’t phased or upset but she seemed apologetic, she’d been at the park with a friend she knows from her old school. This girl’s parents have told me she has been in trouble before, can be violent, causes lots of issues at home, has a Social Worker due to the above. I told her she is not meet her again. Phone, console, iPad etc all removed for two weeks as consequence for the above.

All seemed fine, she was happy and being good and all was fine at home. Then she walked out and didn’t come home for 4 days. 4 days!!! It was the worst 4 days of my life. She isn’t “streetwise” or tough at all and I was out of my mind with worry that she would be found dead in a gutter somewhere. Reported to Police as missing, they made enquiries whilst we hunted everywhere and spoke to every person she knows.

She was eventually found with this same other girl. I went to bring her home and she refused. She started telling me I had no right to force her home, she wanted a Social Worker, I can’t “lay hands” on her etc. Sounded like a completely different child. I called Social Services and begged for some help, they eventually got someone to speak to her and told her she goes home immediately or into care. She came home but has been vile and rude and swearing and awful since (3 days). After spending time with this other girl she now thinks she knows her “rights” thinks she’s untouchable and that she’s the boss and can do as she likes. I’m beyond mortified and so embarrassed and of course baffled by this sudden change.

I’ve been in contact with Children’s Services and asked for some help perhaps with counselling for her and maybe someone to meet with us as a family
to help facilitate/mediate a discussion as to what is wrong and how we can move forward.

Friday night she had a huge tantrum like I’ve never seen before, screaming, banging, shouting and trashing the house room by room. She was like a crazed animal, I couldnt stop her and when she broke some glass all over the spare room I was concerned for her and her own safety. So I called the Police. They arrived and restrained her and calmed her down. She wasn’t rude or aggressive to them and they said that was very unusual. They gave me the option for them to leave and let it go or take her to the Police Station for interview and processing which would take a few hours. I chose the latter. It was horrible and I was really upset but I couldn’t let her get away with it. I needed her to realise she can’t do as she likes and isn’t in charge, as her and this other girl seem to think. She spent 6 hours at the police station before being dropped back. She hasn’t been charged of course, she won’t get any sort of record or anything even similar but she got a big shock and a good talking down and the Police said she seemed genuinely remorseful after a few hours in a cell. She came home and hasn’t tried to run away again but hasn’t spoken to me since (this was Friday) and has spent the weekend in her room.

Was IBU? Would you have done the same? I feel guilty but equally I feel I couldn’t let her do this without consequences as she’d have no deterrent not to do it again.

[Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname]

Well done for making a very tough parenting decision.
I also involved the police when ds tried to shove me downstairs while heavily pregnant.
He was removed by Ss and went to his df's.
Big back story and worse was to come unfortunately but he left me no choice.
She is to young to have had the freedom she assumed rights to.
You did nothing wrong.

[KittyVonCatsworth]

Tough one. I think there must be something behind this sudden change in behaviour, could it be substance abuse?

I’m torn whether YABU or not. Part of me says she needs to understand the consequences of her actions and this could be the sharp wake up call but part of me thinks a bit of time to get to the crux of the problem. I’m sorry you’re going through this, you’re on a hiding to nothing I think in the meantime. I applaud you for actively seeking out help with SS though. Good luck xx

[SweetCheeks1980]

You did the right thing.
I did something similar as a teenager and my parents were very softly softly, so I felt I couldn't 'lose face' and back down.
If they'd been a bit more determined and stuck to punishments I would have got in less trouble.

[SkaPunkPrincess]

Did you check her phone when you took it from her?

You need to start checking for clues OP. Get your detective head on. Something is wrong.

Check her social media
Search her room
Scour her communication devices of all kinds.

I know all kids go through teenage strops but this is something else entirely.

[reallybadidea]

I don't think you did the wrong thing, she hasn't ended up with a criminal record or anything and hopefully she has seen that she can't behave in that way and expect you to put up with it.

But as the above poster said, it sounds as though something is triggering this behaviour. I don't really think that anyone acts that way for fun, something has happened to her I think. Maybe investigate a child psychologist - privately if necessary.

[Tiggerzz]

Substance misuse? Maybe something traumatic has happened to her which she doesn't feel ready to disclose?

[SkaPunkPrincess]

I don't want to scare you but have you seen 3 girls?

The girl who blew the lid off the Rotherham case acted in very much the same way and she only seemed to have new female friends of the same age.

[Chilver]

Wow, well done on a very tough parenting decision! As parents, we never actually know if we're doing the right thing, we can only make decisions based on what we know at the time.

I too think that something has perhaps triggered this behaviour and perhaps made her seek out this old school friend? Now I would focus on 'love bombing' with lots of support and try to get to the bottom of it. (Although I speak as a parent to a primary school child, so no direct experience - yet, sorry!) Good luck xxx

[swimmerlab]

Could she have taken drugs and is having some kind of withdrawal?

I think you did the right thing, hope everything gets better soon.

[ElderflowerWaterIsDelish]

Could she have got in with some wrong people (that could be a sign of why her behaviour has changed)...you did the right thing by calling the police, stick to having firm boundaries and firm consequences until her behaviour improves

[LuxuryTime]

I think something drastic must be happening or has happened to her.

I would be asking her if she’s ok when each of these things happens rather than jumping to assert dominance first.

BUT you are no doubt in an awful situation and it’s a lot easier to say what we’d all do than to actually be in your position so good luck!

[Thehogfather]

I don't think the police involvement is the important part. I'd be more concerned about why a 13yr old has suddenly changed from a normal teen to this. No matter what the friend is like it isn't normal to be so easily influenced in a very short period of time.

[MrsJonSno]

I’m sorry for how things are for your son April. I feel your pain.

Kitty. Yes it was a tough call. Police advised me to do it but said it was ultimately my choice.

I had already called our local SS dept but they were rather unhelpful. Unfortunately when live in a nice area right on the edge of an awful one which is well known for high levels of child poverty and crime. So we have to call their Social Services team but of course they are massively over worked and understaffed. I was initially met with confusion at my calls for some assistance and guidance “you can’t just ask for a Social Worker; we have to receive a referral” But you are right, of course she needs some help/we need some help and I have made a formal request for a SW to visit which will be next week.

I also considered drugs but it’s unlikely. She hasn’t left the house, she hasn’t had any money and her room had been searched too to bottom and her bag when she was grounded. She has been bullied at school and was assaulted a while ago so I’m thinking more perhaps this is the fallout from the emotional stress and upset that this has caused only just coming out now.

[AjasLipstick]

At this age I remember my Mum chasing me down the road and pulling me back home because I was hanging round with some "types".

God I'm glad she did that!

[ReanimatedSGB]

This isn't 'naughtiness' and punishment is not the answer: something is very wrong. Possibilities include substance abuse and/or something very bad has happened to her while she was with this troubled 'friend'.
Please get professional help and treat her with as much kindness as you can.

[OhMyGodTheyKilledKenny]

Could this girl have a hold over her eg. she's encouraged your DD do something like shoplift /take drugs and is now telling your DD "come on the run with me/stay out all night or I'll tell everyone you did x"?

[ReanimatedSGB]

Xpost, sorry. Do you know what sort of 'assault' this was? (No need to share details). If there was a sexual component to it, that might account for the displays of rage.

[cariadlet]

What a tough situation. It must have been a real shock - especially as she's always been a good kid.

I think that you did the right thing and your daughter will probably look back on this and agree (although it will take a long long time for her to realize that let alone admit it to you).

This other girl seems to have been a catalyst for what has happened, but it will probably be difficult to keep them apart. Hopefully, once your dd has calmed down she'll feel able to talk to you and you might be able to get to the bottom of what has caused this change in her.

The teenage years are definitely the toughest to deal with as a parent. You often feel like you're treading on eggshells and it's hard to know where to draw the line between giving children the independence that they need but still having clear boundaries.

I've found "How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk" a useful read although - in the heat of the moment - I often forget to apply the lessons that it teaches.

[MrsJonSno]

SkaPunk. Yep checked all devices and social media. Nothing odd or new or worrying or dodgy sounding. Room has been searched and searched. Nothing. She has nothing at all now it’s all locked away. No internet access at all. I’m letting her calm down and relax in her room watching tv for the weekend.

I’ve told her I love her and we can talk when she’s ready. I’ve also told her whatever it is she cannot do as she pleases and this won’t go away unless we deal with it and work it out togegehr. She has lots of lovely family she could talk to if she didn’t want to talk to me.

[Oldbutstillgotit]

OP I think you have been incredibly brave and I think you were absolutely right however I echo others that something has happened to cause this. Best wishes 💐

[BlankTimes]

I don't think it's solely being with the other girl that's caused the huge behavioral shift, definitely could account for the being lippy and 'know my rights' stuff, but the mega tantrum shouts substance abuse to me.

Friday night she had a huge tantrum like I’ve never seen before, screaming, banging, shouting and trashing the house room by room. She was like a crazed animal, I couldnt stop her and when she broke some glass all over the spare room I was concerned for her and her own safety

Even anger, loss of temper and anything else where she [wrongly] felt she'd been pushed beyond her limit should not have resulted in such a huge, long-lasting and violent situation. There's definitely something else at play, that's way beyond teen strop or teen defiance.

Keep her away from the other girl, monitor her calls and make sure someone else you trust goes with her when she goes out.

Have a look at this website,
www.livesinthebalance.org/
your DD is probably expecting draconian measures from you right now, but if you handle her a little bit differently (despite wanting to be draconian) she may respond in a more positive way.

[MrsJonSno]

Thanks everyone. It’s hard to get straight honest opinions from family as of course they want to support me and probably wouldn’t be as harsh as strangers online would if they’d thought I’d been a total crap Mum.

Assault wasn’t criminally or physically serious one. No injury as such, slapped in the face. But emotionally it’s affected her but I thought we’d dealt with that and moved on. I don’t want to dismiss it but neither do I want to give her an excuse for horrific behaviour. I haven’t slept in a week and I don’t think she realises quite how much this has affected us all. :(

[RoseWhiteTips]

You did the right thing.

[thornyhousewife]

A very very difficult age for girls and you're obviously trying hard to get on top of things, well done for not burying your head in the sand.

She will probably be feeling a degree of embarrassment which could make her feel more out of control. I would give her lots of reassurance now that nothing has changed, you love her just as much as before and things will be ok going forward.

This will sound over the too - but is there any way you can move area? Her peers will be key to her behaviour and mindset and I would think about how you can help her assemble a group of new friends. New activities, a holiday club, things like that.

[sprinklesandsauce]

I think you did the right thing, maybe it will shock her enough to calm down.

I agree that there could be something troubling her. DD is a bit younger but we’ve had professionals involved and it’s clear that when they are troubled emotionally they can show it by acting up.

Try and sit down with her, just you, and tell her that you love her unconditionally and that she can tell you anything and you won’t get angry, you just want to help no matter what it is. If she won’t open to you, up ask her if she would talk to a family member or a friend of yours.

She can’t trash your home and be violent though, but sometimes when they push you away so hard, it’s because they need you the most.