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AIBU?

To insist to accompany dh to x ray results, possibly cancer

257 replies

Alicantine · 10/04/2018 00:48

I know it cannot possibly be a good news, but he wants to go on his own to hear the news and I am really upset at the thought.

Here is the background: The hospital rang this morning saying the doctor needed to speak to him urgently and he needs to be there tomorrow (well later today Tuesday 10th April) 3pm. He has had blood in his urine for months but only told me recently. As soon as he told me, I booked a gp appointment for him (about a month and a half ago). When he went the Gp said he needed some tests made and he made a referral. X ray tests were last Friday and they said he should expect the results within 7 to 10 days.
However, today Monday they called home several times (we were out) and we picked up the fourth call in the afternoon as soon as we came back. And they said "you need to come urgently tomorrow 3pm".

Am I right to think this can only be a bad news?

He is adamant he is going on his own, whereas I feel I need to be there.

Sorry for my syntax and order information I do not want to drip feed but I have tears just writing this as I love him so much and I am so scared of losing him

He's 39 and I'm 38. We've been married for 18 years. We have six children together that we love dearly. He is a great dad to them he has his own business and always manages to be there for them and help me with everything I need. I also run a different business and we've been doing great lately. Our relationship had had its fair share of us and downs, but I can honestly say that in all these years he's been my rock, and we haven't had nothing major in the past three years or so, if not more. We laugh, joke, and talk every day, and we always make sure we both know how much we count for the other one.

I believe it would be scandalous for him to go on a test results appointment like this without his wife. But at the same I want to respect his wishes and not upset him. I just don't know what to do to help him right now. If anyone has been in a similar situation or could advise me it'd be great.

I read testimonials of people preparing themselves to attend a cancer test results appointment and most of them say they were happy that someone was there with them, to ask the questions they didn't think about... I told him and he was like "I'm not like everyone, I want to go on my own" :(. What should I do?

OP posts:

Report

Shadow666 · 10/04/2018 00:49

I think you should respect his decision as hard as that is.

SD1978 · 10/04/2018 00:52

Can you take him and wait outside? Then you are there when he does want you

UnderslungBowlingBall · 10/04/2018 00:53

I think you should let him go alone, as hard as it will be. Keep your phone's volume on and have it handy so you can speak if he calls, but if he wants to go on his own I think you need to respect that.

theeyeofthestormchaser · 10/04/2018 00:58

I think you have to respect his wishes. But keep your phone on. Do you think he will lie to you about the results?

myrtleWilson · 10/04/2018 00:58

oh this sounds horribly difficult for you both.

But I do think you need to respect his wishes. You are right to be anxious and want to hear the information for yourself. You are also right in saying that many people wish/want to have someone else in the appointment to ask the questions they can't think of/verbalise.

BUT equally there are people who feel that hearing potentially bad news is hard enough, but hearing bad news and having to digest that and to think about how anyone else in the room is coping with the news is just too much to ask - or just not something they feel able to cope with.

Perhaps your DH wants to have time to take it in, reflect and then share with you. I understand your anxiety - I really do but I think on this occasion you must follow his wishes.

With all good hope for you both

YellowBucket · 10/04/2018 01:15

Having been in a similar position, I upset my DH by wanting to go in alone. He wanted to be there for me but I needed to go alone. I knew that if he came in with me and the news was bad I’d be more concerned about him than me.
He sat in the waiting room. I went in, received my life changing (but not terminal) news and had to come out to face him. If I’m honest I was annoyed that I then felt I had to talk about it.

I know that he wanted to be there as he loves me and whilst we rarely argue, we are two very different people. I know it’s hard but I think you need to respect his feelings.
If it is bad news a follow up appointment is normally made or offered to discuss options or answer questions.
I hope, for both your sakes, it is nothing serious.

Storminateapot · 10/04/2018 01:22

I have cancer and I most definitely wanted my husband with me when I heard the news, even though I knew what it would be. I still want him with me at appointments, but that's me. I think his personal preference would be to run a mile and absolutely not be there, but he is there for me not for himself.

Respect your DH's wishes. It might not be cancer but if it is there are going to be more appointments than you could ever believe possible coming up. Several in a week at first. This isn't your only chance to be there and he might find his brave front slips once it all gets going and he does want you there after all.

Let him do this one the way he wants and take his lead.

I really hope it's not as bad as you fear xx

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2018 01:25

I would speak to him one more time. Very calmly and lovingly. If I were you, I would tell him how much he means to me, and although you understand his feelings, you would hope that he can take a moment to consider yours. You're married, you have 6 children, and you are a team who need to face challenges together. Wouldn't he want to be with you if the situation were reversed? After that, if he still refuses to let you go, you need to drop it.

incywincybitofa · 10/04/2018 01:32

I think this isn’t a shitty time for you and a shitty time for him
But I think you need to give him the space he needs to breathe in and breathe out because this is his moment and he needs to play it out his way
Wouldn’t hurt to mention to him you’ll be shopping or walking close by but let him have this because when you are facing something so out of your control you need to be able to control something, and you being there or not for better or worse is one of the few things he can currently control about that appointment let him have that

ReanimatedSGB · 10/04/2018 01:32

Sorry but his wishes trump yours. It's his body and his health, this is not about you. Please don't make things harder for him by insisting you be allowed to muscle in on his appointment.

MarvelleGazelle · 10/04/2018 01:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

penguinsandpanda · 10/04/2018 02:11

Definitely respect his wishes. I would want my DH with me but I know others want privacy.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 10/04/2018 02:15

Not about you but him, respect his decision

CommanderDaisy · 10/04/2018 03:15

Horrible situation and I feel for you.
But.
This is his choice. It is not scandalous. It is how he wants to deal with it.
This is news he may NEED to hear on his own. He may not feel able to cope with you there , it may be all he can do to get himself there and manage his own feelings. Right now, I think he has every right to be selfish, and not think of you. That will come, but respect what he wants for now.

Let it be.

I hope it is not bad news.

wombat1a · 10/04/2018 03:20

Absolutely if he wants to go alone then he goes alone. If I was about to hear earth shattering news then the last thing I would want is someone with me. I would want to be alone to process it.

corythatwas · 10/04/2018 03:41

What all the others said. I might well feel the same in those circumstances, just needing a tiny bit of space to process it first before I had to think about someone else.

Respect his feelings is the very best thing you can do to support him just now.

Alicantine · 10/04/2018 05:16

Thank you very much for all the support and advice.

Well I like how it's all going in the same direction. I will respect his wishes and hope for the best.

Being nearby is such a good idea I will try that, although might be tricky as he will take the car and I will probably be with the kids. But I shall try to have them go somewhere in such a way that he can tell me the results without them being present, and so that we could have time to discuss, if he's ok with that.

Sorry for those of you that have been diagnosed with cancer before. Hearing from your experience and feelings has really helped.

Thanks again everyone. Just bracing ourselves for the day ahead now!

OP posts:

TheWonderfulCat · 10/04/2018 05:30

Hi OP, just wanted to say I hope the results are nothing too serious, best wishes for your family

rwalker · 10/04/2018 06:00

nothing to add but i know you are desperate to go ( i would want to go on my own) you have listen to advice and a respecting his wishes what a selfless thing to do and shows what a strong lovely person you are.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 10/04/2018 06:19

I really hope it is not the news you fear.

DH had a terminal cancer diagnosis last year and I went with him, he was glad I did because he didn't take anything in at all about the appointment after the word cancer was used. I have been at every appointment, chemo session and meeting since with him because it is overwhelming. What is reassuring is that if it is cancer, the consultant will likely have a Macmillan nurse at the appointment with them so that your DH can ask questions and have an on going point of contact. If your DH is adamant he wants to go alone, you will have to respect his wishes, but afterwards you can phone the Macmillan nurse (your DH will be given their number) and discuss the diagnosis as long as your DH agrees to share information with you. If it is cancer he will also be sent a letter with the diagnosis and the Macmillan contact details.

Fingers crossed for you

TooGood2BeFalse · 10/04/2018 08:06

Wishing you both all the best OP

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/04/2018 08:10

I understand you wanting to be with him but I'm glad to hear you've decided against it. Thinking of you both today OP.

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NapQueen · 10/04/2018 08:12

Maybe being alone is easier for him as he doesnt need to try and stay strong for you plus he is able to focus knowing the kids are with you rather than a sitter.

Good luck to your dh today and best wishes.

pinkdelight · 10/04/2018 08:13

Agree about respecting his decision but just had to add, the part about him not telling you for months about his symptoms is the only thing that troubles me about you not being there at his appointment. Because he has (understandably) withheld things from you before out of fear, please try to have the discussion (however works for you both) that makes him feel that he can (and must) be honest with you about whatever news he gets. Whatever it is, it will help for you both to be in it together, even if that doesn't physically mean you being in the room. Hope that makes sense. All the best.

Littleredboat · 10/04/2018 08:17

You must respect his wishes.

I would personally try and find some way of entertaining the kids when he got home too, either send them to a friends or buy them a new DVD etc.
If it’s bad news he will need time to process it and so will you, so you can tell the kids in the best way possible.

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