Page 7 | MIL and presents

(175 Posts)
RocknRolla Mon 25-Dec-17 12:12:08

AIBU have come to MIL for Christmas dinner with DH and DD. DD is not DHs but he has been in her life for 4 years now since she was 1.
When it’s time for presents MIL comes out with 2 massive Santa sacks for BIL and SILs two children, the kids are 5 and 2, for my DD she brings out one present. Half an hour later nieces are still unwrapping there presents, while my DD only got a pair of pyjamas and that was it. DD is really upset now and asking why nana only got her pyjamas and her cousins got toys, clothes and chocolates. Have said to DH but he doesn’t want to say anything and ruin Christmas. So AIBU In wanting him to say something.

OP’s posts: |
FeistyColl Tue 26-Dec-17 09:20:55

I have posted before on threads about step families and am of the opinion that it is unreasonable to expect extended step families to automatically accept and treat step children the same as biological family members.

But, that does NOT excuse your Mill's behaviour yesterday. It is even more upsetting as it appears she actually gave your dd less than previous Chistmases.

There are ways of handling differences without being hurtful to a child on Christmas day.

LazyDailyMailJournos Tue 26-Dec-17 09:50:04

Really awful behaviour on the part of your MIL - she's been in your DD's life since she was a baby. There is no excuse for it.

However it is great that your DH and your SIL are supportive and recognise that this is an unacceptable way to treat your DD. Your SIL ensuring that presents were shared was very kind.

Bambamrubblesmum Tue 26-Dec-17 09:50:51

I think you are handling it really well. In a calm and measured way. Confronting it on Xmas day would have been horrible for all the kids especially your DD.

This way your DH can address the issue in the cold light of day with his mum and make it clear exactly how angry he is without alcohol or Xmas tension being blamed.

I think your SIL sounds lovely flowers

Jdabbers Tue 26-Dec-17 10:06:38

Can I just say, your DH sounds wonderful for supporting as does SIL

Your poor DD she sat there through all that and didn’t say anything or react, that’s a credit to you. I hope she enjoys the sales and make it clear she’s done nothing wrong

As for that woman... maybe there’s a reason she’s abroad every year, the woman is clearly dragged up. Who does she think she is? I would’ve left and I would’ve also left the PJs too. I hope you never return

Why are some MIL like this?? My DH is passive aggressive however she has met her match with me. We went there last year for her b’day (23 dec) and she had put out a spread for all of them then ‘remembered’ I can’t eat gluten but had GF bread. She offered me toast for dinner... I was EBF my 4 month old! I told her to keep it and left with my son, I haven’t been back and I don’t plan to either!!

sparkleandsunshine Tue 26-Dec-17 10:26:25

So so cruel of your MIL, well done you for picking such a lovely DH that he sees the problem and wants it sorted, and fabulous SIL too, fingers crossed you get it sorted, it’s not on xx

RocknRolla Tue 26-Dec-17 12:05:41

So DH phoned MIL this morning. She said that she had taken the kids shopping to pick presents and DD only wanted pyjamas, this was at the beginning of December. When DH said it was wrong what she did she started saying that she was skint and didn’t have enough money to buy stuff that wasn’t wanted, then she was saying about how our DD gets more because we both work and can afford to buy more than what BIL and SIL can buy nieces. DH said if it had been about money she should have said and we could have taken presents for DD to open at the same time as nieces. Tbh she has shown herself to be a complete cow both BIL and SIL can’t believe she would do that. At least we now know and won’t be spending a Christmas there again, I would be glad to never see her again. DD doesn’t seem bothered and made her “Nana” a thank you card this morning, didn’t want her to do this but she wanted to do it.

OP’s posts: |

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MissEliza Tue 26-Dec-17 12:23:51

Did your dh directly ask her about her obviously seeing his dsd differently as she wasn't a biological dgd? I think this needs to be brought in the open. If your dh loves your dd as his own, then so should she and she needs to know she is also hurting him with this treatment.

SparklyUnicornTractors Tue 26-Dec-17 12:29:52

I'm sorry it hasn't been a better end to discussing it with her. flowers It wasn't about what she did/didn't buy, it's that you don't present two kids with huge bags of gifts and hand the other (very young) child a single small parcel. The excuses show she knows damn well it was wrong. Who does something that hurtful to a child of five?

Sadly you're right that spending Christmas with her isn't something you can do again unless she herself makes it clear she understands and won't do it again. If you have other children in years to come that will also help you manage any huge bags for one/token thing for dd before it happens.

notapizzaeater Tue 26-Dec-17 12:37:10

Well,she's shown her true colours, regardless if she just wanted pjs she could have filled the bag with other stuff. Hope the thank you note makes her feel bloody guilty like she should.

FitBitFanClub Tue 26-Dec-17 12:39:00

You can't insist that mil loves her step-grandchild as she does her biological ones. You can expect that they are treated fairly however.

Gemini69 Tue 26-Dec-17 14:38:32

You can't insist that mil loves her step-grandchild as she does her biological ones

But OP can absolutely stop her DD being humiliated by not visiting Fake Nana ever again.... fhmm

Mxyzptlk Tue 26-Dec-17 14:45:05

Who takes children shopping for their own Xmas presents? confused

Mxyzptlk Tue 26-Dec-17 14:48:26

The two reasons don't make sense - DGD choosing pyjamas only / grandma not having much money.
If DGD had asked for more things would grandma have found the money? Or told her No? confused
Definitely ask her about seeing a difference between her grandchildren.

Oliversmumsarmy Tue 26-Dec-17 15:42:48

Sorry but I call BS on gms excuse
What 5 year old when asked what they want for Christmas asks for just pyjamas and nothing else

It sounds like the other dc asked for reams of stuff and if they did then obviously there was no limit to what she could buy.

BewareOfDragons Tue 26-Dec-17 18:15:03

So because your DD wasn't a greedy demanding guts when they went shopping together, she got nothing for Christmas?

I call bullshit.

TeaAndToast85 Tue 26-Dec-17 18:44:56

Did you tell her about your DD asking if she had fewer presents because she was naughty? Horrible old cow

AccidentallyRunToWindsor Tue 26-Dec-17 18:55:33

Horrid cow. My grandparents did this to my sisters (half but we never use that term) every year. Mum used to throw the cards in the bin and donate the presents.

MrsWicket Tue 26-Dec-17 23:18:17

That’s horrible. MIL did her usual this Christmas and bought great gifts for DN and not for our DD’s. One example: DN got a expensive makeup pallet as one present and mine got, some bath set stuff you’d give your nan. hmm They are all young teenagers, so she forgets that DN shares it all on social media. She treats them all the same though and doesn’t have favourites. Apparently.

RocknRolla Tue 26-Dec-17 23:26:04

According to MIL she loves them all equally and she phoned DH tonight saying how upset she was that she had upset DD, apparently she didn’t think DD would notice the difference. DH told her how he didn’t care how upset she was and that he is upset by it all as well. Apparently she wants to take DD shopping to make it up to her but DH has said not just now and that the damage has already been done, he has cancelled us going there for New Year.

OP’s posts: |
storynanny Tue 26-Dec-17 23:28:02

It is really sad that a grown woman has upset a little one on Christmas Day. We have 6 grandchildren between us, all born in the last 13 years that we have been together.
I show no favouritism on any occasion for my blood grandchildren, it is called being an adult and accepting that families come in all kinds of forms.

elsmokoloco Wed 27-Dec-17 00:56:06

Take DD shopping? Isn't she supposed to be broke. Watch her try to overcompensate in the future to show you that she has been misjudged.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 27-Dec-17 06:48:45

More like she's upset that she's been caught out in her bollocks behaviour and excuses!

Good on your DH for cancelling NY and for refusing to accept her drivel.

As for "didn't think she'd notice the difference" - WHAT a load of old shit. Of COURSE a 5yo is going to notice they only have one present to open instead of several!

My 2 DSs get presents from family in the UK, that I organise and wrap. But DS1 has godparents, which DS2 hasn't (no christening, DH refused a second time, don't ask). So DS1 would always have an extra present to open from his godparents, except that, since DS2 turned 3, I don't let that happen, I always make sure that DS2 has the same number of things to unwrap. He would DEFINITELY notice, otherwise!

Deemail Wed 27-Dec-17 11:23:30

While what your mil did was horrible at least she is trying to make amends. As this is the first time you've seen any discrepancy between how she treats the kids I would reluctantly give her the benefit of the doubt and try and move on.

Jacobsbread Wed 27-Dec-17 11:32:22

Jeez... my dad and step mum have 10 grandchildren between them....5 biological each. Those Kids are all treated exactly the same. They don't even realise there's a difference in how they are related.

Jacobsbread Wed 27-Dec-17 11:33:04

And that goes for hugs and love as well as presents etc

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