To not know what to think about this (money related)?

[Covefe]

Dh told me his dad was giving him 20k as a gift to help us pay off a couple of smallish debts and to pay for a new car and a holiday. Very generous of him. We've paid off some debts, bought a car and dh says he's put a chunk by for a holiday.

But I've not seen it. Didn't see the cheque, he wouldn't give it to me to pay in (he was away for a few days and I offered to do it). I started to suspect that there was more than 20k, not sure why, just the way dh was acting, very secretive. Anyway, we were chatting about it and he said 25k when talking about the amount. He mentioned it very casually. I didn't pick him up on it, not sure why. He's been very much acting as though it's his money - which it is really.

I don't need to worry about money, we have a new car, and a holiday planned, so why does this piss me off??

[travailtotravel]

Because he's not been honest with you.

[PasstheStarmix]

It annoys you because of the fact he may be lying to you. It's a trust issue and not about the money.

[Covefe]

Yes I suppose it's as simple as that really.

I just let it go - what else could I do - but I've just lost my temper with one of the dcs who wanted to go out for pizza and I'm trying to save money for Xmas I am furious that he hasn't offered to take the dcs out for fucking pizza and I have to do it (we have a joint account but that is our salary, none of the money went into it)

[PoppyFleur]

The lack of transparency would also upset me as well OP. An oversight is one thing, purposely hiding something is another. Unless there is a back story where you have previously been reckless with joint money, I would look to speak with DH to understand more.

[PasstheStarmix]

Where did your dh deposit the money? Not into your joint account? can you view all transactions?

[expatinscotland]

He's lied to you. Where is the rest of the money?

[Covefe]

No, I'm not reckless. In fact I'm careful and quite controlling with money. It's actually really stressing me that I can't plan and budget as I don't know what money he has now. Maybe that's why he's lied

[Covefe]

No its gone into his own account

[Covefe]

I mean, I can plan but I am just going on budgeting the normal way (we've got about 150 a month extra from paying off a debt). He had a huge overdraft so I presume he's paid that off. I think he may have paid off a loan he had too, which I recommended not doing as it was a low rate if interest and there was an early repayment fee.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

“I’m careful and quite controlling with money”

Are you sure that’s not your answer right there? If I lived with someone who was very financially controlling I think I might be tempted to keep quite about a sum of money so I had at least a little independence

[Covefe]

Yes I'm sure that's part of it. I'm not mean though. It would have been really nice to sit together and plan. I could have really wrung every penny out of 25k!!

[Covefe]

It's his money, given to him by his dad. So of course he might want to spend some or get himself out of debt.

[PasstheStarmix]

I believe money matters should be joint and honest. It's fine to have separate accounts but if you ask your dh should be honest. If he wants some of the money for himself he needs to be being straight upfront worth that's whether you don't agree with it or not. I wouldn't like dh to do that to me and would hope he'd want us to have equal shares. Is he thinking th holiday is his contribution to the kids and you? Hence no pizza and him thinking he can keep the rest. I think you need to have a discussion with your dh.

[PasstheStarmix]

with that*

[timeisnotaline]

I know money is sensitive but I couldn't handle being lied to about it.

[Covefe]

Yes he thinks the holiday is his present to us and the car. But tbh, the holiday should be about 5k, the car was 8. The debt was 4. That's 17, so 9k unaccounted for.

[PasstheStarmix]

And it's not like it's merely a couple of hundred; a big amount of money like that should be discussed as a couple on what you want to do with it. if your dh wants some for himself he should be telling you that.

[Covefe]

Sorry 8k! I am better at maths than that normally

[Covefe]

If I'd had any say I would have said 5k for holiday (we've not had one for years and we are a family of 5), 8k car, 4k debt, 1500 his overdraft, 1.5k for us to play with (trips out at the weekend, an easy Xmas, clothes for all of us, sports kit and club fees for us and the kids) then save the rest.

[PasstheStarmix]

I think it's selfish if your dh is keeping 9k to himself. I would expect my dh to be putting it into a savings account for the family and maybe some in a trust fund for ds; if he wanted something for himself I expect him to be telling me what it is how much it is and allowing me the same amount for myself. I would do that for him so I'd expect the same curtesy.
Even if your husband wants to keep it all (which I don't agree with) he should be being honest.

[PasstheStarmix]

8*

[NeverTwerkNaked]

you say you’re sensible with money but you’ve blown 5k on a single holiday despite struggling day to day (by the sound of things)

[NeverTwerkNaked]

(We’re a family of 6 so I know it is expensive going on holiday but I also know they can be done for much cheaper than£1000 pp)

[lookingforthecorkscrew]

Just have a conversation with your husband about it. Ask him where the money went. You absolutely have the right to do that.

[Covefe]

If we don't spend all of that thats great. We want to fly somewhere hot for a fortnight in a villa with a pool. 5k is reasonable.