To have excluded ds2 from pizza treat and fed him spaghetti on toast? Because ex thinks I was

[theduchessstill]

Two dc aged 10 & 8. Since they broke up on Friday the sitting room has become more and more toy-filled. At the weekend they built a civilisation involving pretty much every toy they own, and did play with it a lot. They didn't want to put it away as they intended to play with it again, but we've been out a lot since then and they never did.

Day out yesterday and I bought pizza on the way home as treat 'final' tea with me before they go to their dad's, which they did this morning. I made it clear they would have to clear up the sitting room before I cooked it. When we got in, ds2 refused: put one thing away and then sat whining. Ds1 got on with it without complaining. To my shame, ds2 also stuck his middle finger up at me several times (new thing he seems to have picked up from school I suppose). We had been down a coalmine and learnt about children who worked in them and at one point ds1 said to ds2, "at least we're not down a mine," and ds2 replied that it was fine for those children as that was the old days. That obviously made me more annoyed.

I followed through on my threat and ds2 ate some of his meal and spent the rest of the mealtime lying under the kitchen table where he planned to stay forever, being surreptitiously fed onion rings by ds1 (I pretended not to notice).

Finally, we talked about it and he apologised, came out, had a tiny slither of pizza and fruit for pudding with his brother. I dropped them off at ex's this morning and have just received a text saying 'Ds2 is starving after no proper meal last night, while ds2 had pizza. Can you clarify?'

FFS, I don't know what to reply. Why should I answer to him after the way he carries on? Was I wrong? Would I be wrong not to reply/ or reply something very terse? Ds1 would be more than capable of giving an honest account of what happened.

[MrsOverTheRoad]

YABU. Food is not a treat and should NEVER be used in punishment.

[AuntLydia]

Yanbu. I know using food as punishment isn't ideal but your ds2 was behaving badly and this was a treat. How you reply depends on your relationship with your ex I suppose. If it's bad and he's likely to use this as a stick to beat you with I just wouldn't reply. If it's generally good then text a simple explanation.

[MatildaTheCat]

'Child was fed last night, just not pizza. Hoping to help him learn that giving the finger to anyone his mother isn't appropriate '

[GabriellaMontez]

Where does the spaghetti come into it?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Explain calmly what happened. Your DS2 wouldn't have starved, he had other food available and chose not to eat it. He will know you mean it in future!

I may have done this myself with McDonalds

[snash12]

In the title it said you gave him spaghetti on toast. If so, then YANBU. You said the pizza was a treat if they cleared up their mess. He didn't do it.

[SilverSpot]

Food is not a treat and should NEVER be used in punishment

Well pizza is a treat and it’s not like she didn’t feed him at all!

[Smartiepants79]

See I competely disagree. You'd made the expectations clear and he chose to ignore you. HE made a choice not to have his pizza. You did not leave him without a meal, it was just a less interesting one.
I think you did the right thing and I would have done the same.
And SOME foods ARE treats.

[messyjessy17]

I would tell him its not his business how you feed or discipline them when they are with you. I doubt he'd take kindly to you intefering when he has them.

[Notreallyarsed]

Oh for fucks sake he wasn’t starving, he was whinging because he knew his dad would create a fuss on his behalf. Which he has done, playing right into his hands.

Flip it round, why should DS2 have done no tidying, repeatedly sworn at his mother and been lippy and then had the same treat as DS1 who had tidied as asked, tried to encourage his brother to join in, not sworn or been cheeky?

I’d have done the same OP and if my ex had dared pipe up I’d have told him to fuck off.

[theduchessstill]

To clarify - I made him spaghetti (tinned hoops- not the proper stuff!) on toast and he ate some of it. I would never withhold all food as a punishment, and, while I don't generally use food as a reward, I do think some food most definitely is a treat, and my dc are old enough to understand that.

[LemonysSnicket]

I think DS2 will have exaggerated and your X was just wanting to know the full story

[DrinkReprehensibly]

Agree with MatildaTheCat

It wasn't pizza or nothing, he was given food, but not the treat food. I think that's fair.

[ItMustBeBedtimeSurely]

You did fine. It would have been really poor parenting imo to have given him pizza after that behaviour. And tbh, if my dd had given me the finger she'd have been sent to her room with a sandwich.

[designatedSurvivorer]

I think the punishment was fair.

I'd explain it to your ex unless you're actually looking to make life more difficult for all involved.

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

Good on you.

I'd send Matilda's text exactly as written (including the strikeout).

[QueenAmongstMen]

YANBU.

Children who are deliberately misbehaving despite knowing their treat will be withdrawn if they continue, shouldn't be given the treat if they choose to carry on doing or not doing what they've been told.

He got fed something else, it wasn't as if he didn't have any food. He definitely shouldn't have had the pizza.

[AuntLydia]

Yes, matilda's text is good.

[MrsJayy]

Your son is yanking your chain and playing you off against his dad I think a yes I will clarify he was mis behaving pizza was a treat he got other food he isn't starving you twat

[MumW]

Dad has asked for clarification ie: your side of the incident, which sounds perfectky reasonable. You've explained pretty clearly in your OP. Just send a version of that.

[theduchessstill]

Thanks for the advice/opinions. I have sent a brief text outlining what happened. I just hate having to explain myself to him. I haven't texted him about allowing ds2 out inadequately dressed the other day because he refuses to spend any money n clothing for them, but I suppose IBU in conflating the two issues.

[designatedSurvivorer]

@MrsJayy

Why is he a twat?

If the reverse were posted then surely the sensible advice would be to send a message asking for clarification?

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

You're a good mum one who is not afraid to discipline her children, and there are too few of them about these days. Its almost like authority discipline and Consequence are a desease (hope I've spelt that right)

He might think twice in future before not doing as he's told.

[MrsOverTheRoad]

I don't think your ex should write "can you clarify?" in that abrupt manner.

He's not your manager. Next time he questions such minute things, just ignore the bugger.

[Bluntness100]

I don’t see why you wouldn’t clarify with your ex. It’s a reasonable question clearly based on what uour som has told him.

Respond with, “Pizza was a treat for clearing up , he refused to clear up so got spaghetti on toast instead. He also gave me the finger several times. After he apologised he had a thin slice and some fruit”

You are both parents, if you refuse to give the other parent clarity on thr behavuour or what occurred how thr hell do you co parent together and manage your child’s behaviour? Refusing to tell the other parent is unreasonable and not helpful at all.