Ex husband not allowing me contact 13 year old daughter

[user1499544885]

After a tie with my 13 year old daughter as I found out she had almost been having sex with a boy at school, I agreed with my ex husband she should live with him for a while as her behaviour as become disgusting. This was a week ago, the night after the argument he sent me a text stating that he was st the solicitors enquiringly about getting our contact order in place which I have had for five years where he has 8 overnight stays which he also has my sons 9,10. I was absolutely mortified and felt he had taken advantage of a difficult situation. Since then he has cut off all access for me it's my daughter, I have not seen or heard from her. I told the school of the situation, and today they rang to say he had her taped stating she wants no contact with me. I am absolutely devastated, no words can describe this pain. He threatened to gain access of my sons if I sought legal action. He promised he sort out her behaviour but instead as spoilt her and is promising her puppies etc. I have had a very good relationship with her up to three months ago where the school bad boy got involved with her. I feel she's being bribed by him and she's too vulnerable to see it. To top it off I have an ex mother in law who hated me from day one and has already tried to poison against me. I am so scared I have lost her, I am pulling my hair out with stress.

[Neverknowing]

This sounds awful op. I'm so sorry.
Honestly children figure this stuff out, I had a friend with a toxic father and after years of him slagging her mother off and offering her all sorts for her love she realised he was a twat. She still sees him but only very rarely.
My partner also had the exact same situation, his dad used him and his siblings against his mum. He was an awful teen and his mum sent him to live with his dad, he's completely NC now as he's realised he's an idiot. He's very close to his mother (an apologetic ofc!)
I know it's not much help in the short term but In the long term she will realise

[PrincessWonderRabbit]

I'd show up at the school and collect her mid day. She'd be coming home with me. If you haven't seen her you have no idea what he's up to. Why would he rape her saying she doesn't want to see you? That's strange and I wouldn't trust it

[PrincessWonderRabbit]

Tape her! Shit sorry

[MimsyFluff]

Just turn up and take her they can't stop you

[user1471548375]

Err, your thirteen year old child has got into a potentially dangerous situation, and instead of using it as an opportunity to teach her about her own self worth, the fact she can say no etc. You call her disgusting and send her away.

Can't think why she doesn't want to see you.

[user1499544885]

Don't worry about that, I am still new in here and don't really know how to use this site 😂 I think he's lying about the taping as he's trying to scare me off taking legal action. The problem I got is she seems to have been brainwashed by him, she hates my stepdaughter also 13, as she's the one who told us if the sex stuff. The school seems to think she just need some head space, but I know him he's plotting to have her for good. My new husband says it will blow over but I am not to sure, she's very impressionable and she's been out in a pedastol. Where's as I am the big bad mum stopping her seeing her dad. We have just bought a large five bedroom house too which we are moving into next week. I pushed this purchase mainly for her to have her own room away from her step sister. I feel very hurt, rejected and disrespected 😢

[user1499544885]

I didn't send her away, I did speak it through with her and gave her a chance. She then continued contacting the boy involved and posted inappropriate photos of me on her Snapchat. After a few months of forgiving her I decided she needed discipline as I was obviously failing

[TalkinBoutNuthin]

Is it 8 overnight stays a year? Why have your children seen so little of their father?

If she has had to share a bedroom with her stepsister I can see why she would want to move out.

You're in danger of making this all about you, rather than about your poor DD. Stop looking at it from your perspective, and look at it from hers.

[user1471548375]

You might feel hurt, rejected and disrespected - again, you sent her away op. You're the adult here, try making amends instead of imposing your will

[user1499544885]

No eight overnights stay a month and holidays divided. The court order had become more relaxed as kids have got bigger to fit in with their hobbies etc and we have helped each other out e.g. If he was going away to a wedding or vice Versa. Interesting point that I sent her away I never even considered she may view as that. We have had weeks of her rudeness, disrespect etc. I had been up the school six weeks ago as she came home covered in love bites. The boyfriend apologised and I thought they had just made a silly mistake. I adore my daughter but she was getting out of control 😞

[chockwockydoda]

I'm sorry but the major issue that no one has addressed is that your 13 year old child is having sex and no one has contacted the police. That should have been your first call then the school

[user1499544885]

Parents make mistakes too, I know that! I feel guilty that she had to share a bedroom on occasion with my step daughter as my husband was tied up in his ex wife's mortgage still . We finally got a mortgage and she was very excited about having her new room. I can't make amends if I can't contact her, she's taller than me do I would want to force her to come home if she's not happy. I just want to talk to her

[user1499544885]

No sex, sexual stuff. School has been informed

[honeybeetheoneandonly]

Give her some space. She is really upset with you (and you with her). If you are forcing the issue she may very well pull back even more. Let her get some respite staying at her dad's.
He probably doesn't want a pregnant teenager either, so the sex issue will have to be dealt with, one way or another, and maybe he has a better chance of getting through to her.
I hate to say this but she might very well know what she is putting you through and enjoy pushing your buttons. You don't know what version she has given your Ex and he might feel he is doing right by her.
Let the matter settle a little and if possible ,let her come to you.
She wants to be independent (in her eyes she is not a child anymore) and you are "cramping her style" but I'm sure she will miss you in time.

[user1499544885]

It's been hard on her too, I do realise that new step dads/ mum's siblings must be odd for a teenager. She has known her step siblings for five years prior and she seemed to get on ok with my step daughter until late. My step daughter does seem to enjoy getting her in trouble!! How long do I leave it though? It's my ex mother in law I am scared of! She told my daughter a few weeks ago I only had my three children to trap my ex husband! I am really scared of parent alienation

[chockwockydoda]

Your original post said sex even sexual stuff is still inappropriate and I personally would have called the police even to get both kids into trouble 13 is not ok! She's clearly feeling left out and dumped probably pushed out by the step sister. All probably totally irrational but that's how teenagers think. I'd book counselling seek legal advice and take her to the dr to arrange some sort of contraception If she's old enough to do it then she's old enough to listen to the speech from the dr. He can't stop your access take him to court

[peachgreen]

So you threw her out because she was sexually experimenting with her boyfriend? No wonder she feels rejected and hurt, to be honest.

[user1499544885]

I contacted the school about the sexual stuff, believe me I am not happy about it!! The last thing I want is her pregnant or her doing something she's not happy about. The texts I found her boasting about this stuff to her friends was very disturbing. I spoke at length with my ex husband about her behaviour, he's been pushing me for her to go there and after another load of disgusting texts last week I agreed. He or the school didn't think police should be involved. I wanted a word with the boy's mother has he needs protecting too. My husband still knows she messaging him and said we can't stop contact! I don't think this should be encouraged at all

[user1499544885]

I did not throw her out!!!! Where did I say that??

[EamonnWright]

From personal experience teenagers can be quite manipulative also, would she maybe have been telling your ex that things have happened that didn't?

She could be trying to put herself in a position that allows her to do as she pleases and sees living with her father as a means to do this.

[user1499544885]

It's hard reading some of these messages, I am starting to question myself whether I did throw her out?? I think a few comments are right that I have made it more about me! It's been a nightmare as the step daughter is well mannered but sneaky my poor daughter always seems to be the one in trouble. Only thing she thinks she's a law to herself. I have totally spoilt her iPhone, I watches etc! Been her taxi etc!! I was upset as both girls had an iPhone last year step daughter stayed with budget, mine didn't every month she went over ( I hid this from my husband and got my daughter extra data) this month I had her £17 contract bill and it was £54. So all this has come at once with a house purchase, ours to rent and my recently widowed mother to move as well . I think it's been too much stress 😐

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

She's 13 if you just turn up to collect her and she doesn't want to go they will call the police and social services who will support her choice and chances are it will become even harder to see her

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

You sent her to live elsewhere to a teenager that's kicking her out

[LuluJakey1]

Why are you telling the school that your daughter is developing a sexual relationship with her boyfriend? It is nothing to do with them. You're her parent, and he has his own parents. The school are not responsible.

[user1498240695]

Poor show op. Re-read pp's.