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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dread

70 replies

Perriemerry · 15/04/2017 14:17

k I'm I'm long time Lurker on here and im not entirely sure if I'm posting in the right place.

Anyhoooo a little info background in myself etc

I've been with my husband for 9 years married fir just over 1. And we have 2 beautiful children together, our own house, good income ........

I do suffer from anxiety panic attacks but other than that I'm all good.

But what I can not he past is the totaldread of the possibility that my husband is going to cheat.

I 1000000% believe that when he's not drunk he would NEVER cheat I know it's what they all say by honestly he really wouldn't be came from a broken family by where one parent cheated on the other and saw how distraught the other was and vowed never to cause that pain on me. And there has been no reason or sign that "whilst sober " he has

Problem area. .. alcohol...

When we first got together after about 6 months a had a huge argument and i ended it obviously just in anger he went out ended up getting really drunk and kissing another girl and had a little sucky sucky off her, he told me the next morning and was horrififed but he thought we were over otherwise it would have never happened.
Also when he's had a drink (what I'm about to say hasn't happened for over 3 years since our youngest was born) he would come home and be really angry and agressive, he is a really aggressive drunk I've had to lock myself in rooms whilst he's trying to smash the door down to get to me, ive had neighbours ringing the police because of his shouting and banging, he has broken my fingers,punched me in my face and head, yanked me around by my hair and always strangled me to one of the times I almost passed out snd woke up the next morning with bruises on my neck etc this happened almost everytime he was drunk for around 5 years. I want to add again this level of violence hasn't happened for about 3 years... there has been moments where he has lost his temper but never on that scale.
Obviously all the violence was my fault and i made him do it and i guess sometimes I did make him angry even though not on purpose.

He vowed never to drink to that extent again which he has stuck pretty much.

When he is sober he's the most perfect man and i love him more than anything. But he's gone on a stag do today and is staying overnight and i know he's going to get realllllyyyyy drunk and im worried that he's going to turn violent. Obviously not on me but on other people. And get into trouble and i have a horrible fear of him drunk cheating in me.. I know it's stupid cause he wouldn't do it whilst sober so why would he do it whilst drunk.....

I dont know why i posted but when I get a thought into my head it eats away at me... like its early afternoon but ive already had a text off him which implies hes already a little tipsy

How can i stop my anxious mind wandering

OP posts:
MidnightVelvetthe7th · 15/04/2017 14:44

You don't make him angry, he's an adult who responsible for his own behaviour.

I wasn't meaning that you were a bad mother, more that your boundaries of what's normal have shifted.

Original poster
Perriemerry · 15/04/2017 14:45

I am not a troll...

I've said that it's never been that bad in the past 3 years. Since he has never got that drunk again.

What I meant when i said I got in the way of them was if he was shouting at them I would put myself between them so he can walk away and calm down. He wouldn't hurt his children

OP posts:
humblesims · 15/04/2017 14:45

Youre already worrying about him getting drunk this weekend. What if he does? What if he comes home angry? What will you do? Why does that not worry you more than the thought of him cheating?

Original poster
Perriemerry · 15/04/2017 14:46

I'm not at all minimizing his behaviour of course I know it's wrong but compare to do what it used to be

OP posts:
cardibach · 15/04/2017 14:47

They are being hurt by witnessing his behaviour towards you and by living in that kind of environment. You know they are. He is abusive and even if he never tepouches a child they are damaged by his verbal aggression and the way he treats you. At the very, very least they are absorbing a warped view of relationships which will affect their own lives.

humblesims · 15/04/2017 14:47

But that is because he hasnt been that drunk for a while. You know he will be this weekend so what will you do?

Original poster
Perriemerry · 15/04/2017 14:49

He's not coming home tonight he's away for the night on a stag partyso I'm worried he will get too drunk and maybe get violent to someone else and get in trouble..

Sorry I'm just going to delete this thread, I'm not doing that because I'm a troll in just getting all anxious reading all the replies.

I know I'm not in a perfect marraige but it's improved so Much over the years

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 15/04/2017 14:50

Stop comparing it to how it used to be. It's wrong. Violence is wrong.
You having to get in between him and his kids is wrong.
Wake up and get him out n

cardibach · 15/04/2017 14:51

You should be getting anxious reading the replies - they are pointing out things you know really and have pushed down and ignored. Leave him now, while he's away.

Wolfiefan · 15/04/2017 14:51

Getting all anxious.
Because of him. Not us.
Please seek RL advice and get yourself and your kids safe.

EffinElle · 15/04/2017 14:58

Really? What do you expect us to say op? That your violent h is a delight and we really hope he won't get arrested or do sucky sucky with a willing participant? If he gets arrested it will be his fault!

Original poster
Perriemerry · 15/04/2017 14:59

I did say i know it's wrong I imo I should have left the first tine hebput his hands on me but I'm a firm believer that people can Change and i had no where to go I had a family whodidn't give a crap about me My mother who has been a alcoholic since inwas a baby and he made me Believe that no one else would want me even though he always told me he hated me. So yes myconfidence was low and i felt I had no where else ti go so yes I stayed and prayed it would be better and it did
My husband and children are who ilove the most. And even if he "was" a horrible drunk before he's mostly lovely when sober.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 15/04/2017 15:02

Mostly lovely?
That's what abusers do. If he was horrid all the time you would go.
People can change but he's shown you time and again that he doesn't intend to.
You don't leave. You get legal advice about getting him out.

upperlimit · 15/04/2017 15:02

For fuck sake woman. Is this as good as it gets for you? For your kids?

NameChangeInCasePeopleRecogn · 15/04/2017 15:03

I was disgusted at the 'sucky sucky', I mean, what is that terminology about? Making it sound babyish so it's not so bad? Confused

And then I read about him being a violent mentalist!

Seriously, not normal!

pipsqueak25 · 15/04/2017 15:04

what is it going to take to show you that this person is very bad news to you and your dc and you really should get away from him ?

nackle · 15/04/2017 15:05

Perrie, do you realise how close to death you were when your
bastard partner strangled you unconscious? You're lucky
to be here, he wanted you dead.

I'm sure you think you're a good mum, it's not for me to judge,
but please get out and give your DC a fighting chance away
from their thug of a father.There is a better way to live.

You sound a nervous wreck because your DP might get drunk and
start on someone - lets hope if he does it's someone who teaches
him a lesson he won't forget. But then, men like your DP never get
so pissed that they pick on someone of equal size and strength - it's
always a woman.

ShoesHaveSouls · 15/04/2017 15:05

Stop excusing his violence. Cheating is the LEAST of your worries. Leave him.

I really hope you come to your senses sometime soon. Sad

It really is awful to read of women having relationships with violent men, and having children with them, but it's "ok" because they're only violent sometimes.

pipsqueak25 · 15/04/2017 15:06

is 'sucky' another word for a blow job if so why not just say it ? horribly out of touch me Grin

Nomoreworkathome · 15/04/2017 15:06

All you are doing is making excuse after excuse.
If you wont leave for yourself then you must do it for your kids.
Sorry but in the nicest possible way you need to grow a pair and protect your kids.

MidnightVelvetthe7th · 15/04/2017 15:06

If you contact Mnhq to delete the thread because it's uncomfortable reading , then remember you can come back and post in Relationships if you need help in the future , nobody will judge you xx

Nomoreworkathome · 15/04/2017 15:09

Oh.... and if he continues with his violent outbursts you seriously risk losing your kids anyway if you are not prepared to remove this shithead from your life.

Birthdaypartyangstiness · 15/04/2017 15:11

You have extremely low expectations in life. Sorry.

People are the sum of all their parts. ALL of this is him. ALL the behaviour. Minimising drunken behaviour, angry behaviour, his responses to you when youve been a bit narked is just mind games. Everything he says and does tells you who he is...and it's not good. Not good for you or your children. You need some help resetting your expectations before you are killed. You need some help resetting your expectations before your children are harmed any more than they already have been. Before they are taken from you. Please get in touch with Women's Aid to talk through your experience of this relationship.

For the record:

A husband who shows respect to you as an equal, is NEVER violent, does not drink if he can't control his behaviour when drinking and NEVER shouts loud enough that the police are called is a basic minimum requirement. Not some unachievable standard.

A lovely husband is this^ and so many, many more things.

Reset your scale and take a second look at what you have accepted for you and your children.

RJnomore1 · 15/04/2017 15:11

He wasn't always mortified in the morning.

If he was mortified he would the very first time have made sure it never happened again. He would have stopped drinking for counselling and made sure he was far enough away from you that he could not hurt you until he dealt with it.

He does not love you enough to do this. He kept drinking knowing how he acted because he preferred to drink than to make sure you and his children were safe.

He is a terrible father and you are supporting and colluding with him. Your children are being damaged by what they saw and have seen. He still doesn't car enough to stop drinking knowing the way he acts and the consequences it might have for you and your children.

I'm sorry I've had to be as blunt but you need to face up to it and make sure your children are safe because they sure as hell aren't now.

First step would be to phone women's aid while he is away.

stitchglitched · 15/04/2017 15:12

If your children confide in anyone about his behaviour they will be obligated to report it. You are not safeguarding them and could lose them if you continue to minimise his actions and not prioritise the welfare of your kids.

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