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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dread

70 replies

Perriemerry · 15/04/2017 14:17

k I'm I'm long time Lurker on here and im not entirely sure if I'm posting in the right place.

Anyhoooo a little info background in myself etc

I've been with my husband for 9 years married fir just over 1. And we have 2 beautiful children together, our own house, good income ........

I do suffer from anxiety panic attacks but other than that I'm all good.

But what I can not he past is the totaldread of the possibility that my husband is going to cheat.

I 1000000% believe that when he's not drunk he would NEVER cheat I know it's what they all say by honestly he really wouldn't be came from a broken family by where one parent cheated on the other and saw how distraught the other was and vowed never to cause that pain on me. And there has been no reason or sign that "whilst sober " he has

Problem area. .. alcohol...

When we first got together after about 6 months a had a huge argument and i ended it obviously just in anger he went out ended up getting really drunk and kissing another girl and had a little sucky sucky off her, he told me the next morning and was horrififed but he thought we were over otherwise it would have never happened.
Also when he's had a drink (what I'm about to say hasn't happened for over 3 years since our youngest was born) he would come home and be really angry and agressive, he is a really aggressive drunk I've had to lock myself in rooms whilst he's trying to smash the door down to get to me, ive had neighbours ringing the police because of his shouting and banging, he has broken my fingers,punched me in my face and head, yanked me around by my hair and always strangled me to one of the times I almost passed out snd woke up the next morning with bruises on my neck etc this happened almost everytime he was drunk for around 5 years. I want to add again this level of violence hasn't happened for about 3 years... there has been moments where he has lost his temper but never on that scale.
Obviously all the violence was my fault and i made him do it and i guess sometimes I did make him angry even though not on purpose.

He vowed never to drink to that extent again which he has stuck pretty much.

When he is sober he's the most perfect man and i love him more than anything. But he's gone on a stag do today and is staying overnight and i know he's going to get realllllyyyyy drunk and im worried that he's going to turn violent. Obviously not on me but on other people. And get into trouble and i have a horrible fear of him drunk cheating in me.. I know it's stupid cause he wouldn't do it whilst sober so why would he do it whilst drunk.....

I dont know why i posted but when I get a thought into my head it eats away at me... like its early afternoon but ive already had a text off him which implies hes already a little tipsy

How can i stop my anxious mind wandering

OP posts:

Kennethwasmyfriend · 15/04/2017 15:12

Please phone women's aid and describe this behaviour to them. Maybe they will have ideas about how you can change things.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2017 15:12

HE HASN'T CHANGED!

He may have stopped drinknig but he's still violent and aggressive and abusive - but when still sober.

And please don't get this deleted just because you don't like the answers. There is 100% agreement on here that you AND YOUR CHILDREN are being abused.

Have you friends and family who can help you?
If not, post on the Relationship board. Many will help and advise you (as they have on here)

You cannot let your children continue to live with this

akaWisey · 15/04/2017 15:14

If he kills you how can that NOT hurt your children?

gamerchick · 15/04/2017 15:15

I must admit I'm a bit horrified you're more bothered about him cheating on you than bringing your kids up around an abusive bastard. he's done quite the number on you hasn't he?

When you've woken up and want things to change for your kids sake at the least then please come back.

charleyfarleysaunt · 15/04/2017 15:18

My father was violent - not to us kids, but to furniture etc. Never hit us or mum. We saw. We heard. It has damaged us - I still fifty years later have nightmares and have trust issues. Loud noises bring on panic attacks

Please for your children's sake get away from this man and stop minimising his behaviour - easier said than done I know, but do you want your children growing up with an underlying current of fear? Because that is what is likely to happen - or they will see this violence as normal and go on to put up with it in their relationships

SpareASquare · 15/04/2017 15:18

So he's less of an arsehole than he was a few years ago?

Yeah, cool. Another few years and he might be just a bit of one.

Don't ever think you are shielding your children btw because they pick up EVERYTHING.

HotSince82 · 15/04/2017 15:20

I hope that he cheats on you because that might make you LTB.

His violence will just continue to be minimised by you.

ohfourfoxache · 15/04/2017 15:21

What happens if he kills you op? And let's face it, it's quite possible. Where do you think that leaves your dc- with no mum and a dad in prison, knowing that one murdered the other?

Oh, and with an alcoholic grandmother to top?

You need to protect them and the only way to do that is to end this marriage.

ohfourfoxache · 15/04/2017 15:22

Actually, I hope he gets absolutely bladdered and is as violent as possible this weekend- and that he is caught and imprisoned

Ohyesiam · 15/04/2017 15:24

But your kids are bring damaged by him already. He is Jekyll and Hyde when drunk to sober, which makes kids feel very unsafe. They will know you are not safe around him. They see you choosing an abusive relationship. It is all the stuff people take to therapy when they are adults. Being frightened and on egg shells is one of the hall marks of a dysfunctional family/ childhood.
He need to deal with his drinking, or be single.

Dumbo412 · 15/04/2017 15:28

Sorry I didn't read past "sucky sucky" who the fuck says that?

Are you 12?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 15/04/2017 15:28

Your poor children. They will be so damaged by this. Your sons will grow up to think that it's fine to be an abusive drunken bastard. Your daughters will grow up thinking it's fine to stay with a man who hits and strangles them and frightens them.

And they will resent you and blame you for not leaving. And if by some small chance they manage to haveelatively normal lives, they will keep their distance from you.

I'm really not saying this to be horrid: my sister was in a very similar situation and I've seen the damage that has been done. It took her many years to pluck up the courage to leave but she did and she is a different person today.

Sadly I think if she had got herself together only a couple of years earlier, her kids would've had far fewer problems.

ohfourfoxache · 15/04/2017 15:31

I suspect op used "sucky sucky" in an effort to minimise again

Birdsbeesandtrees · 15/04/2017 15:34

What would it take for you to leave him ?

Honest question. Nearly killing you isn't enough. Cheating isn't enough. Being violent around your children isn't enough. Having a problem with alcohol isn't enough.

dowhatnow · 15/04/2017 15:37

But what I can not he past is the total dread of the possibility that my husband is going to cheat.

Another - that is the least of your worries - post.

Ok he has been better over the last three years but he has shown he is capable of strangling you to unconsciousness. He is much more in control and hasn't been as bad - UNTIL THE NEXT TIME HE SNAPS and possibly kills you. That is where the anxiety comes from but that is too terrifying to contemplate so you are deflecting that worry on to the possibility of him cheating, which is a horrifying possibility to you, but not as terrifying as facing up to the real threat of him killing you OR YOUR CHILDREN. And don't kid yourself that he won't snap at them or that you will be able to stop him. THERE IS ALWAYS A FIRST TIME!, especially as they get older and start to defy and anger him more.

Please, please face up to the physical danger you are all in, and that's before we get started on the emotional damage. Call Womens Aid. Please op, for your kids sake if not your own.

SilverBirchWithout · 15/04/2017 16:09

I would not even give a man like this the time of day if I met him on the street., let alone maintain any form of relationship with him.

A partner or husband should be the person with whom you feel the most safe and secure. Your perception of him has become skewed over the years and you have normalised his behaviour, this is almost certainly why you feel perpetually anxious.

For your mental health, personal safety and your children's start imagining and planning for a life without him.

Atenco · 15/04/2017 16:15

"My mother who has been a alcoholic since inwas a baby and he made me Believe that no one else would want me even though he always told me he hated me"

So this is a cycle. You are in this situation because of your original family and if you don't do anything to stop it, the future of your children will be even worse. This is not your fault, but you cannot permit this to be your children's life.

Why do you have no-one else in your life, OP? Do you have any friends or has he made it impossible for you to have any?

PurpleDaisies · 15/04/2017 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohfourfoxache · 15/04/2017 16:39

Thanks Purple

ohfourfoxache · 15/04/2017 17:18

Perrie have you thought about getting this moved to relationships? There is so much support and advice available and I honestly believe you need it

If you want to get it moved use "report " at the bottom of your post (of probably any post on here, just to flag it up with HQ) and ask them to move it over xx

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