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AIBU?

To not go to brother's wedding?

164 replies

persicaria · 09/03/2017 11:19

I have NC for this. 'D'B and me have never been close - he had MH problems in the past, can be manipulative and PA. He has always been very hard to please. His wedding to long term girlfriend will be in May this year. We told them we had to decline the invitation, but the reason is because of the cost - hotel for 2 nights for 4 people, travel and food expenses, boarding costs of pets, unpaid leave for me and OH, all coming in at about £700, which we have not got to spare. That money doesn't include outfits or presents.

We told them we could not get time off work, and did not tell them the real reason is money which it would be embarrassing and we think it is private and are not comfortable with talking about it with them because they are minted compared to us, incase they offered to pay some of our costs. In the past this has happened over something different DB wanted me to do and he never actually gave me any repayment money it was just words. Shame on me for that, and I learned my lesson.

StbSIL has now rung me with all guns blazing calling us liars and selfish and we have hurt them. I have discovered that because of my child care experience I was going to have to be unofficial and unpaid nanny on the day to the bride and groom's DC x 2 and another child. So I think it's because we have spoilt their plans for a carefree day. Being unpaid is not our issue, though. It's that B&G are so angry when all we have done is politely let them know. We are shocked and surprised to say the least. What right does anyone have to be like this or try to make us change our mind? They are acting like we have committed a crime.

OP posts:

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xStefx · 09/03/2017 11:22

Well with their reaction I would certainly not be changing my mind.

WorraLiberty · 09/03/2017 11:25

Why does she think you're telling lies?

Remember too though, you are actually telling lies.

00100001 · 09/03/2017 11:26

Just ignore them

HaPPy8 · 09/03/2017 11:27

Why is it going to cost so much? Do you really have to have 2 nights in hotel? I cant imagine not going to a siblings wedding. And i would happily keep an eye on the children too.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/03/2017 11:27

Stick to your guns. Her phoning you ranting proves you've made the right decision, regardless of the reason.

HaPPy8 · 09/03/2017 11:27

And why unpaid leave? Can you not book holiday? Will a friend not watch your pet for one night?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 09/03/2017 11:29

Sounds like you dodged a bullet there!! Cheeky bitch that she is!!

MidnightAura · 09/03/2017 11:32

I think telling her it's because of work is wrong. Naturally they are going to be a bit put out with that excuse.

VimFuego101 · 09/03/2017 11:32

I wouldn't feel at all embarrassed telling them that costs were the reason why I couldn't attend - I'm sure other people will have declined for that reason too. But it sounds like you had a lucky escape - I wouldn't want to pay 700 quid to look after people's kids!

carefreeeee · 09/03/2017 11:32

Their reaction sounds excessive. I'd stay away.

On the other hand, depending how far away it is, maybe you could have done it cheaper than that if you'd wanted to? Can't see how it would get to £700 unless it's abroad. In which case it's their own fault as abroad weddings without checking with family first are very U.

Beelzebop · 09/03/2017 11:33

You did say that your DB had behaved poorly in the past. You were right to politely turn down the invitation. He is just continuing to be himself. X

justilou · 09/03/2017 11:34

Two words
FUCK THEM

alltoomuchrightnow · 09/03/2017 11:34

if they think it's about work, not money, they are going to be upset.
If they knew it was about money, who knows, maybe they would have helped. But there has to be a cheaper option?

Tartyflette · 09/03/2017 11:35

If you don't see that much of your DB and his family anyway then please stick to your guns.
Your excuses are valid and you have politely declined the invitation; citing one of the reasons that you can't take (paid) holiday at that time is perfectly acceptable IMO. The other reasons are none of their business.
My only concern for you is whether it would make future family occasions more difficult for you or not. But it's your call.

littlefrog3 · 09/03/2017 11:38

WOW they sound horrible! I am so sorry you are having tolerate such assholes. Ignore. Block. Ghost. Fuck 'em!

Why do people become so precious when they're getting married?!

persicaria · 09/03/2017 11:39

Happy - If I take time off it has to be unpaid because of the nature of my work - trying not to be too outing. One night is not enough because of the distance. I was not going to be told about the childcare until nearer the time and it would mean I would be away from the wedding party for much of the day, so I think I was being manipulated again.

OP posts:

Blueskyrain · 09/03/2017 11:41

Well you are lying to them, so I don't think you can be offended that she is calling you a liar.
I'm confused as to why it would cost so much though, and for a wedding of a sibling I'd definitely try to be there. It sounds to me like you just don't want to go.

PovertyJetset · 09/03/2017 11:42

That'bad form of them. Really bad!

User543212345 · 09/03/2017 11:43

I think given her response I would tell them to fuck off and not bother with much relationship in the future. As MN always reminds us it's an invitation, not a summons and I think that applies to family weddings too. Stick to your original response - you're unable to go and ignore all the fallout.

You have my sympathy, I won't go to a sibling's wedding (for different reasons) and am in the firing line for it.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 09/03/2017 11:44

I think they've proven upfront exactly why you don't want to go.

persicaria · 09/03/2017 11:44

alltoomuch it is about work and money. B&G have a totally different attitude about money, they can just get what they want whenever and can't understand why anybody else is not the same.

OP posts:

SapphireStrange · 09/03/2017 11:47

Don't answer the phone to her, or him, again.

Fuck em.

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PurpleMinionMummy · 09/03/2017 11:47

Well you are lying tbf op. You need a more solid excuse next time ;) I wouldn't buy unable to get off work or unable to have paid holiday either if one of my siblings announced they couldn't attend. I'd assume they would have factored my wedding dates in months before hand ensure they had holiday time left for it, in May.

How far away is it? £700 is a lot for two nights.

Rubies12345 · 09/03/2017 11:49

How far away is the wedding?

alltoomuchrightnow · 09/03/2017 11:49

I do understand..been in similar and it was an absolute nightmare.
When I was a bridesmaid, actually. To a rich bride. I ended up about £800 out of pocket and had just lost my job, also my relationship so had to pay 100% of rent instead of shared. I ended up doing a part time job as emergency and ended up owing tons. She also had TWO hen weekends and I could only afford to do one.
She kept sending me to London every few weeks for dress fittings. The train cost alone totally broke me.
Never again!
I don't blame you for not going

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