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AIBU?

To not let DD go to this party?

164 replies

welliesandsequins · 25/02/2017 17:54

Dd(14) has been invited to go to a party next weekend. It's her friend's boyfriend's friend's party. She is not at the same school as the boyfriend or his friend. She is at the same school as her friend but I have never met her or her parents.
She has been invited with three other friends, all of whom I know.
I happen to know some other children going to the party as the school is local. But their parents don't know the hosting parents either.

I have several issues. Firstly I don't know the hosting parents. I would be surprised if they are aware that my dd or her friends are coming. Not only is that unfair on them, but I wonder how many others will just turn up. (Party is not at their house).
There will probably be alcohol there. I don't feel that is safe when I don't know who will be there, who is keeping an eye on them, and no one will know who dd is/I am if there's a problem.

AIBU not letting her go? I have said I would need to speak to hosting parents but realistically o don't know how she will get a contact for them.

Secondary to that there are logistical issues as dd wants all her friends to stay with us after the party. But those can be worked out. It's the party itself I am worried about.

OP posts:

Report

welliesandsequins · 25/02/2017 17:55

Dd. Not dad. Bloody phone

OP posts:

TrinityForce · 25/02/2017 17:57

I feel like I've read this as a storyline of a Jacqueline Wilson book when I was young

I think I would let her go but be home at 10pm or so and make sure to get the house address just in case she needs picking up.

welliesandsequins · 25/02/2017 17:59

I will be picking up and dropping off as the party is miles away. That's one of the other issues.
And yes, it does sound like a Jaqueline Wilson story line!

OP posts:

bloodyteenagers · 25/02/2017 18:01

If they are all coming back to sleep at yours what the worry?
Doubt they are going to get pissed when they are sleeping at yours.
At 14 she could just say bye off out see you later, and not tell you about any party. She could go to any mates houses whether you have met their parents or not.

khajiit13 · 25/02/2017 18:15

I'd say yes. I'd also be very clear with your daughter that any friends staying over, if they appear drunk, you'll be phoning their parents and taking them home.

Magzmarsh · 25/02/2017 18:19

I would let her go. I went to my first proper party aged 14. It was awesome.

Scootergrrrl · 25/02/2017 18:22

There's an interesting thing going round on Facebook where a teenager and parent have an agreement that if the child is out and about and something happens they are not completely happy with, they text an X to their parent and the parent calls with a made up reason for having to collect them immediately. Would that be helpful? How informed is your DD about things like drinking and drugs?

OldGuard · 25/02/2017 18:24

Does she have a phone ?

As your are picking up and dropping off I would let her go

Teach her this : The x Plan
www.google.com/amp/s/bertfulks.com/2017/02/23/x-plan-giving-your-kids-a-way-out-xplan/amp/

I would also try to talk to parents - there has to be a way to contact them

Magzmarsh · 25/02/2017 18:25

Haha me and dc have done that for years, our code word is lasagna 😊

Floofborksnootandboop · 25/02/2017 18:28

I would let her go, you aren't going to know all your DDs friends and their parents, especially not all that are going to be at the party and from what you've said I don't think you have any reason to suspect anything bad will happen. She's also going to be with 4 of her friends who you do know.

I don't understand why you think the parents don't know your DD is invited though?

Lasagna · 25/02/2017 18:31

You're picking her up so I doubt she's going to get herself into any trouble. Let her go.

I would be surprised if they are aware that my dd or her friends are coming. Not only is that unfair on them, but I wonder how many others will just turn up.

I don't get why you think that tbh, has something been said to make you think that the parents don't know who their son is inviting to the party?

Chimchar · 25/02/2017 18:43

As the owner of two teens, one very sensible, and one who likes to live a little, I LOVE the X plan thing. Going to implement it straight away. Thank you.

I think I would let your dd go to the party, based on you picking her and her friends up at a sensible time, and with the X plan in place..

Notso · 25/02/2017 18:44

We always tried to compromise with DD, which usually meant DH taking her and picking her up so he could get an idea of what the party was like when he dropped her off.

In this situation seeing as they all want to come back to yours I wouldn't imagine they would have plans to be up to no good. Though I would check all her friends parents know their child is going to the party incase they have been fed the old sleeping at x's line.

Sadik · 25/02/2017 18:46

I'm glad you're not policing your Dad's social life!!!

I've got a 14 y/o - albeit a very shy one - tbh I would let her go given that you're dropping off / picking up, but I would insist on pick up being relatively early. (I'd probably start by saying no, so that 'giving in' to saying yes with an early pick up would seem like a good option )

farmerswifey2 · 25/02/2017 18:57

Is it just me who thinks that X plan could get a little confusing. Imagine driving 10 miles to save your kid, only to be told it was actually a kiss...

ButtonMooooon · 25/02/2017 19:02

Farmerswife presumably they wouldn't just send a random X as they would know of the plan and also the idea is the parents ring and say you're needed at home I am coming for you so they save face in front of their friends if they just want to leave

A X to a relative can easily be explained away

OldGuard · 25/02/2017 19:03

I assumed x was algebraic and meant to infer insert appropriate code word / symbol / number of collective chosing

KitKat1985 · 25/02/2017 19:03

I really thought this was going to be a thread for a second whereby a poster refused to let their dad go to a party, and was all set to tell them they were really over-invested in their parents' lives....

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 25/02/2017 19:04

I'm glad you're not policing your Dad's social life!!!
same here!

OldGuard · 25/02/2017 19:05

We use "did you find CatsName?"

JustSpeakSense · 25/02/2017 19:07

The fact she wants her friends to stay at yours after is a very good sign I'd say.

I'd let her go, but fetch at a reasonable time (due to the fact that you are fetching)

Also have a chat about what your expectations are regarding alcohol.

This is an excellent opportunity for her to prove herself trustworthy (while you are in a fair bit of control, being the driver and also hosting sleepover after)

MeadowHay · 25/02/2017 19:10

I would let her go with the safeguards in place, i.e. you are taking her and picking up her and her friends, and negotiate what time you're going to pick her up. At 14 I was allowed to stay at a party til midnight if my parents could be arsed to stay up that late to collect me but I can understand now especially why sometimes they would come at 11 or half 11 i.e. because they themselves wanted to go to bed which is fair enough really when you're already getting a favour of being collected. I would also say like PP that if any friends appear very drunk or anything like that you will be taking them straight home/phoning their parent to collect them and they will not be staying at yours.

Are you expecting your daughter to be drinking alcohol? Does she normally drink alcohol at parties? I don't know whether you need to talk to her about this, or a general chat about drugs/alcohol etc as you haven't said whether you expect her to be drinking and what her knowledge is on these topics etc just something to think about. Another thing is sex, sorry to say it but I went to parties at 14 where some of my peers were having sex with each other during the party despite a parent or two being present. Again I have no idea whether she is clued up on safe sexual practices etc already as she may well be, but just a thought (does she have access to condoms etc). Btw I'm not at all saying all 14 yrs old get up to all this at parties - I certainly didn't, I went to the parties but I didn't touch alcohol or have sexual encounters other than a bit of kissing, but better safe than sorry.

Also the x plan sounds great although I would go like another PP does with a more random word just to avoid confusion and the possibility of it being accidental or meant differently. Lasagna sounds great .

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welliesandsequins · 25/02/2017 23:43

The reason I don't think dd or her friends are invited is that they don't know the person having the party. One of them knows someone else who is invited. That's all. So they are essentially gate crashing as far as I am aware. Would you really be happy with your children doing this? I don't think it's a good message to send to her.
I don't mind the party as such, esp as I will be picking up and dropping off.
She doesn't usually drink but I am sure there will be alcohol there and I don't think she will be immune to it. She is a sensible girl but I am not sure a couple of her friends are. I don't particularly want responsibility for them. But I could threaten to phone parents if there's a problem.
The other logistics are that it is only me so I would have keep keep younger dd up til god knows what time to collect them. Dd1 also has a sleepover the night before and works on a Saturday. I also have a meeting (for an activity that she does) in early evening so don't know how on earth I would get them there. When I suggested to dd that they could find their own way there she insisted that meant they would not be able to go then. TBH all the other parents are married and don't have younger dc. So I am not really sure how this has become my responsibility but there we go.
Sorry to drip feed but just wanted opinions on the party itself first.

OP posts:

OldGuard · 26/02/2017 00:53

Hmmm - didn't realize about the gate crashing bit - don't think i'd be okay with that

RTKangaMummy · 26/02/2017 01:37

I too thought it was about your DAD

Dropping off and collecting gives you some control that you know where she is BUT think the gate crashing bit is a worry though so wouldn't let mine go on that basis

My DS is grown up now but he would hold a bottle of beer for a whole night and pretend to sip it so people thought he was drinking but he doesn't like the taste even as an adult over 21

Think the random word or secret code like pets name or fav holiday place or fav food is a fab idea to ask for help

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