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because DH certainly seems to think so!

(174 Posts)
RagamuffinAndFidget Tue 14-Feb-17 10:43:04

Back story: I have been a SAHM for nearly eight years (my choice, DH agreed) and have recently started teaching fitness classes a couple of times a week. It only earns me pocket money but I love it - the company is run by a friend and the team is currently quite small as the company only launched last year.

DH works shifts (now has a flexible working agreement but until last year was often working lots of late evenings followed by early mornings followed by late evenings, etc. He was virtually never at home and often went days without really seeing our children) and has a hobby which he attends twice a week. He is actually hoping to train to teach this hobby, which I fully support, but he isn't yet getting paid for this. He has attended classes pretty much every week for 10+ years - he always made sure, even when working random shifts, that he had those evenings free, often meaning that he had to work every other evening in the week.

Lots of detail, sorry, just trying not to drip feed!

So, the AIBU: My boss is aware that DH attends said hobby and has always said she would only ever ask me to cover a class (we are expected to do this when possible, if someone else is ill or away or whatever) if it was a genuine emergency. She tries to avoid closing classes as they are very popular and with hall costs and loss of takings she can potentially lose £300+ in one night. So, last night should have been DH's night at his hobby but I was asked to cover a class because one of the other instructors is really unwell (can't climb stairs without getting short of breath and dizzy so definitely couldn't teach a class!). I asked DH and he lost the plot. He said some really hurtful things, insulted me, my boss, the rest of the team. He said he didn't see why he should do any favours for her business and that he didn't give a shit whether she lost money. He was really nasty. I went and taught the class.

This morning it is still going on. He thinks I was totally unreasonable for asking him to miss his hobby and that I'm a dick for making him let his instructor down. I think he's being quite selfish. AIBU?

HandbagCrazy Tue 14-Feb-17 10:47:15

YANBU. He's being an arse. What is his hobby? I can't think if a single one where missing one session would make any discernible difference.

It sounds to me as though you've fallen into a pattern where you are the default parent and he basically works and does what he likes. He doesn't rearrange anything to suit family life and would quite like you being at home 24/7 picking up the slack so is now sulking because he's had to put himself out once for you.

Can I ask, how many things have you turned down / rearranged to enable him to work late shifts or do his hobby?

Stormtreader Tue 14-Feb-17 10:48:24

He missed one class in 10 years, I'm sure the world will not fall in.

Sounds like his real issue is that hes had everything exactly as he wants it for 10 years. As the saying goes "when someone is used to privilege, equality feels like deprivation".

FenellaMaxwellsPony Tue 14-Feb-17 10:48:30

Well, it's both essentially a hobby, isn't it? So what you've said is that your hobby is more important than his hobby. In this case I think YABU because his hobby was prearranged and you gave yours precedence even though it was last minute.

GretchenFetchem Tue 14-Feb-17 10:48:35

YANBU. If this is literally the only one time he's missed his hobby in ten years, after prioritising his whole life around it, then he's extremely selfish. Sounds like he needs a reality check.

Btw, good on you for finding something you also love to do! What kind of fitness class is it? smile

Feilin Tue 14-Feb-17 10:48:58

Let him read this. He is being unreasonable . The rare occasion you are called upon should mean that the hobby is the least important thing. Kids come first sorry .

Luvleamum Tue 14-Feb-17 10:50:13

I don't think you are BU. It sounds like you explained that it was an emergency and it clearly doesn't happen regularly. He is clearly BU and needs a kick up the arse.

RagamuffinAndFidget Tue 14-Feb-17 10:51:40

Mine is my job Fenella - I will be paid for the class I covered yesterday.

Just to add (sorry!) - he has missed classes occasionally when there's been something on (parents evening, for example) but has attended most classes throughout the 10 years. I only started attending fitness classes towards the end of 2015 as that was when his shifts started to settle down a bit. Our eldest was born in 2009.

pinkyredrose Tue 14-Feb-17 10:54:12

He is BU. Who was looking after the DC all the times he was out of the house with his hobby?

RagamuffinAndFidget Tue 14-Feb-17 10:55:41

Handbag I don't think it's so much that he felt like missing a session would make a difference to his ability, it's more because his instructor has said he will train DH to teach eventually, so he felt like he was letting him down. But the class would still have run totally normally without DH there whereas the class I covered would have been closed if I hadn't taught it.

I have missed countless things because of his shifts, etc. Don't get me wrong, I have been out and socialised and done things for myself over the years but there have often been things I haven't been able to do, either because he has been unavoidably working or because he could have asked for the time off but 'forgot'. Funnily enough he never forgets to book time off it's hobby-related (competitions, seminars, etc)!

picklemepopcorn Tue 14-Feb-17 10:56:16

Sounds like it is your turn to be prioritised.
Does he lead the class, is anyone relying on him being there? Sometimes a regular becomes essential for child protection/numbers etc.

RagamuffinAndFidget Tue 14-Feb-17 11:01:21

pickle he has recently been teaching parts of the class (sometimes the warm up/cool down) but his instructor is always there and can teach the whole class alone/without another adult present. The class is mixed age and ability.

JennyOnAPlate Tue 14-Feb-17 11:01:40

Yanbu. Paid work trumps a hobby. He was a dick.

HandbagCrazy Tue 14-Feb-17 11:02:20

I was afraid that would be your answer.
I stand by that YANBU.

Can you show him the thread? Or is he too stubborn to take notice?

RagamuffinAndFidget Tue 14-Feb-17 11:06:05

I don't think he'd be interested in this thread. I've had a message from him saying he's pissed off because he 'shouldn't have to do favours for [boss] and her business'. I have tried explaining that it was really me he was doing a favour because I have been able to earn a bit of money but also recognition at work, but it seems to have fallen on deaf ears.

Willow2016 Tue 14-Feb-17 11:09:14

He is being selfish and there was no need to attack you verbally.

Time to stand up to him and let him know you are just as important and the things you do are too.

You were being paid, he wasnt, the world didnt end cos he didnt go.
He is used to doing what he wants when he wants and that needs to change.

You need to sit down with him when you are both calm and discuss this, you shouldnt have to take such abuse over one sodding night. Let him know it wont happen again as you are not his personal servant there to pick up the slack for him every time he decides he is more important. You both have kids they are both your responsibility and you both get to do stuff outside the home. Remind him that without your support all this time he wouldnt be doing this at all.

In short he is being a dick.

PhilODox Tue 14-Feb-17 11:09:55

It's not a favour if you're being paid!

StrawberryShortcake32 Tue 14-Feb-17 11:10:06

It sounds like he works alot. Perhaps his hobby is his release from that and way of relaxing? It might be that he feels he gets no shut off time to himself other than his hobby. Also if he wants to start doing this as a job it seems you are putting one up against the other. I'm just trying to see it from both sides.

How did you approach it with him? Did you ask him if he wouldn't mind missing it just this once? Or did you just tell him you were going to go?

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 14-Feb-17 11:13:40


What's the point in him being there if everything you do has to be arranged as if he's not.

And quite frankly after 10 years at this thing if he's not trained enough or doesn't know enough to teach he's never going to. Sounds like a load of shit to me.

Ineededtonamechange Tue 14-Feb-17 11:13:54

I'd be apoplectic.

Life is meant to be about teamwork - it sounds between your DH's work and hobby that you do more than your fair share of looking after children etc.

So something happens in your life (regardless of what it is) and you have asked him to miss ONE EVENING of a hobby and he has gone bat shit.

Regardless of the fact that the reason is work (it could have been wanting to go out with friends or whatever as far as I'm concerned) he is being a complete knob to react like this.... He doesn't see you as an equal and this would, if it were me, change how I felt about my husband completely.


Question is where do you go from here?

ijustwannadance Tue 14-Feb-17 11:15:51

He sounds like a selfish knob who only thinks of himself.

MotherFuckingChainsaw Tue 14-Feb-17 11:16:25

Stop apologising. Stop explaining

The pp who quoted that saying about equality feeling like deprivation when you've been used to privilege is spot on. He's sulking because for once In his life you didn't drop everything and bend over backwards to accommodate him. Time for a reality check for him I think. He genuinely thinks he is more important than you. He needs to know he isn't, this is an equal partnership. Stop dropping everything and bending over backwards. It's the only way he will understand.

Willow2016 Tue 14-Feb-17 11:16:54

Op has said that he doesnt work as much now as he used to but he still makes sure he has time off for his classes every week, competitions etc but not for family things or things op wants to do. Thats a lifetime of selfishness right there.

Why the hell shouldnt op get to do something outsidehe house too?
He isnt getting paid to do his hobby she is, it wont kill him to take responsibility for the kids once in a blue moon. Verbally abusing her isnt necessary, she has supported him in this for 10 years, surely he can do the same for her without throwing a hissy fit?

HmmOkay Tue 14-Feb-17 11:17:02

The problem is that he sees himself as the important one and that you are there to facilitate his life. And he gets angry on the one occasion in many years where you haven't done that.

You've facilitated his work and his hobby for many years but he is angry that he had to facilitate your work for one evening. For once he had to miss his hobby and look after his own children.

In his mind, it is:

Ragamuffin misses many hobbies and events over several years = fine, the way things should be
Ragamuffin's DH misses one hobby for one evening in 10 years = utterly unacceptable

Think about that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Tue 14-Feb-17 11:19:09

Why are you even asking, really? You must know that he's being a totally unreasonable selfish fucker, you must be able to see that!

No, YANBU. At all. He's a wanker though.

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