Husband is stealing my hobby(159 Posts)
I have never really had a hobby or anything I have ever been very good at. Last year I started running and I felt like I had finally found 'my thing'. I'm not particularly good at it but I have been enjoying it. Until that is my OH decided he also wanted to get into running. We are both training to do a half marathon next month, we don't run together (we have young children so have to take it in turns), but my OH has got so into it that it's making me question my own ability. He's so focused on the miles, speed and the food he's eating. He comes in from a run and is all 'that feels good, that was amazing, that was my fasted time yet'.
I run and find every single mile hard, really bloody hard. I have never tried to muscle in on his hobbies, there are quite a few. I feel put out and I just wanted my thing to be my thing. Does anyone understand this or am I being unreasonable?
I could have written this.
Mine was the gym. Now he goes three/four times a week. I've stopped going recently.
I know I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face - he squats more than me, can push more on the sled, plank for longer and loses more weight than me, despite drinking beer.
Wait til he gets his first injury and you may well have the last laugh (too much too soon is a recipe for disaster).
Failing that, have you thought about getting involved with organising races, supporting your local running club, marshalling, committee/admin for a running club etc? That's how I escaped a far too competitive (verging on controlling) DP (ex DP) who shared my hobby! I made so many good friends through running related volunteering - very rewarding and took the focus off his obsession with speed and times.
Luckily new DP has two left feet!
break his toes in his sleep hide his running shoes.
I understand what you mean, you wanted it to be your headspace and 'me time'.
Dont be discouraged by him, but maybe tell him how you feel about it? Guys can get pretty competitive about this sort of thing without necessarily realising the effect it has on others. Is it the 'Oh I'm even faster/ fitter etc.' that puts you off?
is he effectively trying to stop you having your own time? Perhaps you could find a local group to run with so you would get support from another angle.
Dont laugh please, I had a boyfriend who took over my kite flying hobby....he was good and then advanced, he was beach kite surfing etc..... grrrr .It really became his thing.....
It's annoying...and then they are better at it than you, thats even more irritating :-)
No he's not trying to stop me, he's just looking at it as some sort of competition. He's got to be better, faster, fitter and like LoisLane said he's losing more weight than me. I feel totally inadequate and pretty rubbish about something I was enjoying. I like the idea of breaking his toes 🤣. The beauty of running was the silence, no competition, just me and my thoughts. I don't want to hear about his fastest freaking mile!
you should have tampered with the kite strings!
When he talks about running and his times etc etc sing a song in your head till he's done. Then feed the dog his running shoes as a chew toy. Bastard.
This could've been my ex and I! I worked bloody hard for weeks on end to run my first 10k a few years back. He had a more active job, was about 7 ft tall and outpaced me by miles after one or two runs. It really pissed me off because I felt like my achievement was belittled.
Don't have any advice as we broke up soon after (not related to running!) but I sympathise.
All I can console you with is that three years on I have him on Strava. I now run miles quicker and further than he does looking at his recent activity
Have you told him that you're not doing this for competition so you'd rather if he found another person to benchmark himself against?
Tell him to go.and join a running club - he can be all competitive with them. Think of your Nunnington as form meditation - clears the mind, makes you feel better - it's about your own personal goals
I had a colleague like this & we both wound up training for the London Marathon at the same time. New hobby for me & he starts bragging. He told me all about his great 6 mile, 13 mile & 16 mile finish times. However he crashed & burned on the day & I finished 30 mins ahead of him. I was always in it for the experience & enjoyment (despite the totally hard work) which is something he never understood. I am happy karma bit him in the bum though. Maybe you just have to bite the bullet & tell your OH its not a completion & to sod off. Or send him along to the local running club to give him something else to focus on.
Sorry but I think YABU, Why can this not be something you enjoy together rather than it being a competition?
If he is better at it than you / or enjoys it more - so what? we all have different levels (I would be crap btw) however it is only belittling your own progress if you allow it to make you feel that way
It does sound a bit like when I was about seven, and I walked home from school with my sisters friend, and arrived home to her reporting me to Mother for 'stealing her friend'
I had this some time back. I was dipping my toe into photography, working on composition, framing, clarity, technique, learning the different features on my small, cheap camera... I was considering a photography course locally.
Suddenly he says, out of nowhere, "I fancy getting into photography."
Buys a £500 fucking camera.
Takes a few snapshots - his usual AWFUL style, chopping people's heads off, zooming so far in you can see their nostril hairs - a few snaps of trees, heavily edited them so they looked completely wonky, like a child had hammered the keys, then put the camera in a box and forgot about it.
The problem was I couldn't really articulate what made me so angry. The splashing of the cash? The fact he had no intention to actually learn? The way he sort of... took it from me? Obliterated my tiny point-and-click and murmurings about a cheap 6 week course at the local college? I mean, yeah, I still could have gone, but I realised just how poor my camera was next to his. And yes, I could have borrowed his... and maybe that was it. I didn't want to borrow his camera. I'd been thinking of getting my own.
Anyway. I lost interest.
On the other hand, I am the gym-goer; weightlifting, strength stuff. I'd actually quite like him to get into it but he curiously won't, and that amuses me a little. Not that I think I am better than him or anything, but just that yes, I have this, and you won't catch up with me ;)
YANBU OP, even if it's hard to articulate why. He might think he's being friendly and fun and bonding with you over becoming a running nerd, but heartrates and protein calculations are only fun for the person doing them. It's gym protocol 101. Don't bang on about it to someone else.
Try and separate what you do - run for pleasure - with what he does - run to be a runner-nerd. Train your brain to see them as two different activities, like train-spotting and pole-dancing, so that when he talks you can try and see what he's talking about as a whole different thing to what you do.
But beyond that I've no tips, I'm still simmering about the camera.
You can be the bigger person here and cheer him on and be pleased for his successes. It doesn't diminish yours. You are both great.
yes i have had a few glasses of prosecco
I think you guys are right, he should go and join a running club he can benchmark himself against them and not me. I am seriously considering deferring my Half Marathon place so I can cut back on training and take away the competition for him.
YABU. Although I am only saying that on the presumption that his 'competitiveness' is with himself and not you.
Just opt out of the completion. I'm the least competitive person ever, once people realise there's not a 'competition' they stop being dicks. Be congratulatory on his amazing runs but don't in any way let them deflect from your own enjoyment. So he likes running?, what's it to you?
Train your brain to see them as two different activities, like train-spotting and pole-dancing, so that when he talks you can try and see what he's talking about as a whole different thing to what you do
I do understand, OP, but when I was reading what you had written it was apparent that, in a way, these are two different hobbies with the same name.
My mum pinches my hobbies It puts me right off
Cross-stitch - she'd never done it but had done lots of embroidery & tapestry in her youth - showed her my first framed sampler & suddenly she's churning one out every few weeks
Quilting - dabbled in this years ago & she jumped in, became an expert & is still quilting like a madwoman, making lovely & enormous quilts & taking no notice whatsoever of the intended recipients tastes or colour-schemes
Knitting - she's an excellent knitter, much better than I, but hadn't done it for years - mentioned I was knitting something simple & suddenly her old needles & patterns were dragged out & she was off!
Crochet - she hadn't done it for yonks till I started - she's much better again, but actually doesn't much like doing it, so I plod on with my huge granny-square throws & she makes the odd tiny little exquisite baby gown - I think we can manage crochet between us
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