To be upset not to get a present?(151 Posts)
My dp moved to be with me 1 year ago and now has a 2.5h commute each way for work, 4 days a week (1 day a week from home). He leaves the house at 730 every morning and is home 830ish. I have a 15 min cycle to work, work full time (9-6ish), plus do out of hours on calls (24h shift once a week, can sleep at home as close to work, 1 in 6 weekends), and have a teaching commitment one evening a fortnight approx.
I do all of the housework, washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, gardening, laundry and primarily manage bills and admin (we're buying a house and planning a wedding so no mean feat). We both pretend that this is because of his commute but I feel like a big part is because he's never really had to do this stuff and when he does takes 5h to do a job that takes 5 mins. I'm aware that by just getting on with it (I'm efficient and have always been a coper) I'm making the situation worse but he's finding his travelling so hard I don't want to stress him more. Generally I don't resent it too much.
Anyway, being organised, I've found out what he wants for Christmas and have bought presents. Knowing he's disorganised, I've mentioned many things I might like for Christmas. Last year he'd bought me a short trip (we'd both planned) but gave me nothing on the day (we were at his parents house for the first time). Afterwards, I explained that, rightly or wrongly, I'd felt hurt at not having even a small surprise token to unwrap. This morning as he was leaving for work he told me he was feeling really bad and was very sorry but hadn't got me anything for Christmas. I said "fine don't worry about it". He then brought up last year and I said "well what else can I say really?". He then went to work.
I'm not really a materialistic person but a present would've shown me that he has thought about me, considered what I'd like and has done something small to spoil me a bit so I'm feeling hurt. He's a very lovely (if infuriatingly disorganised) guy who was brought up in a very frugal and practical household so I can see how this has happened.
Should I bring it up as it's something important to me, even though he won't have chance to sort it out now, it will just cause an atmosphere pre-Christmas, or let it go? Am I being spoiled?
Has he not heard of Amazon? There's still time for a gift.
Otherwise, I'd consider whether you really want to buy a house and marry this
Sounds like he is a lazy fucking pisstaker and the lack of present, while Shit in and of itself, is the least of your problems.
I think that's terrible.
You do absolutely everything for him. He just goes to work - okay he has a bad commute, but he does nothing outside of that.
Last Christmas you told him that having no presents had upset you. This year he's done the same. What's more, he still has time to buy you something but clearly has no plans to. Every store has an online site. Amazon sells virtually everything - they even wrap it for you!
He's put himself first throughout the relationship. I wouldn't marry him.
Why did you say it was fine when it's clearly not?
I know you added a bit about not being able to say anything else but you really should have said that it's not ok. He has days before Christmas to sort it out, so he could rectify this.
Personally I would really pissed off if dh couldn't get round to getting me something. He could have ordered weeks ago and had something delivered.
I agree CrissCross. Plus he works 5 min from oxford street so could easily pop there at lunch if he had a plan. But rather than doing that he's pre-emptively and prematurely apologised. I'm feeling justified in my anger!
Has he looked for jobs nearer to home in the last year?
'he told me he was feeling really bad and was very sorry but hadn't got me anything for Christmas.'
I don't understand this. There's still time to buy you a present. By telling you this now it's not like he's not saying 'I'm sorry I haven't got you anything', it's more like he's saying 'I'm sorry I'm not going to get you anything'.
Oh and grew up in a very frugal family (due to being piss poor) and am disorganised. I manage to get dh a present.
He sounds like a dick.
He does look for closer jobs but does something a bit niche so unlikely to be successful
You realise he was hoping you'd say 'oh don't worry darling, I'll just sort it out myself' like you do with everything else? You're not planning to have kids with this man are you? Because if you do 'always been a coper' will transform into 'miserable exhausted emotional wreck' in very short order.
You need to tell him.
When you get married it will burn (the resentment) and if you have dcs it will get worse. You'll be lumbered with even more chores on top of being a mother.
Tell him. Give him a chance to redeem himself and if he doesn't then I would seriously consider the wedding. Seriously.
Does he want your a forgiveness in advance? Is he trying to ok the fact he's not going to get you anything?
He says he feels bad but I imagine he only feels bad that there's going to be an atmosphere. If he really felt bad about the fact he hadn't got you a gift he would go out and get you a bloody gift at some point between now and Christmas!
My DH and I don't buy each other presents.
What a scrooge.
It's ok if you both agree to no presents but you told him last year you would have liked a 'token' present and he hasn't bothered again!
Not sure I'd like to be with someone so thoughtless.
Yes he could shop online, he has a 5hr a day commute to do it, however I think if I had to do that everyday it would turn me into an arsehole too.
No excuses though, he has the whole web to look at and find you something special.
Commuting like that is utterly soul destroying, I've done it myself but sounds like that is all he does. It's not that difficult when that's all you have to do.
He is taking the piss.
I wouldn't be marrying him, to get a gift for someone you love when you work near oxford street and have access to Amazon is a five minute job.
He's an arse
Why did you say, 'fine, don't worry about it'?????
Which I imagine is agreed and okayed by both of you serious? That's hardly the same as what's happened to the OP.
He is saying 'sorry you aren't worth an hour mooch around the shops, or a 10 minute online order or even an ebay account. And i am making you make that ok.'
Listen to what he is saying.
His commute isn't that bad. Dp leaves at 5.30am, drives 2 hours, does an 8 hour shift as a builder, drives home about 3 hours either 5 or 6 days a week. And helps with toddler ds when he gets home, cooks on a Saturday and does about an hour of chores around the house on a weekend. I am mostly a sahm. I do the adnin for our business which takes about 6 hours a week. Ds is at nursery 15 hours a week.
Yanbu to upset about the lack of present or the amount of wifework you do. And you aren't even his wife yet. Listen to what he is telling you now.
Tell him. Don't say it's fine. Say... "I'm hurt after what i told you last year when you didn't get me a present... this year I've given you ideas. Have you taken any notice of that, or not?!"
As PP have said, don't put up with this, has he even got you anything like the short trip
you had to organise yourself he bought last year or nothing at all?!
Plenty of places still open. But personally i would want a present that wasn't freely given or I'd had to ask/beg for. Seriously consider if you want to marry or buy a house with this selfish child. Sorry if that's harsh OP.
Come on, he's taking the absolute piss. Happy to take presents from you and do FA in return, even after last year?
And don't even get me started on the wifework.
I wouldn't have said fine. I would have told him not to bother coming home till he'd sorted it. Shops are open late this week; there's no excuse.
But then I wouldn't put up with doing all the scuttwork either.
You need to be very clear with him: he might be busy (we all are, it enrages me when people use this as an excuse) and he might come from a 'frugal' and 'practical' family, but you have already communicated that you expect a gift at Christmas - even a token gift - as a gesture of love and gratitude.
I would return his gifts. I would also seriously consider marrying this man and certainly having children with him.
My father in law is a miser, it's miserable being married to a skinflint.
I'd think seriously about having children with him too. If he's too tight to buy you a gift for Christmas he'll be a penny pinching skinflint with your children too.
The subtext of what he said was:-
"I'm not going to get you anything for Christmas - how does that sit with you"
and you said
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