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Am I being the evil EX here?

(192 Posts)
OneTreeHill Sun 28-Aug-16 21:22:38

Name changed as this is very identifying.

XH and I split 11 years ago, both remarried, both have other children but we have a DD (14) together.

We haven't spoken face to face in years not because we hate each other but because we just don't have to. So decent but kind of cold relationship, we're like 2 strangers raising a child together.

XH pays the minimum CM that he has to pay, which is £170 a month for DD and has been doing so for years, although actually getting the payment was such a hassle. He hasn't missed a single payment since he started paying about 8 years ago.

This Christmas DD is all set to go away on a ski holiday with the school, the cost was around £700 pounds, XH has another DD with his wife who has just decided that she wants to go away on a geography trip with her school over February Half Term, the deadline for full payment is Mid October.

XH emailed this afternoon saying what a wonderful experience this would be for his DD2 and that they currently can't afford to send her as he's paying me £170 a month, so would I forgo payments for 2 months so that like her older sister, his DD2 can go on a school trip as well. hmm

First of all, he's not paying me £170 a month, it's for his daughter and secondly what??

To me it reads as if he wants to stop financially supporting his eldest for 2 months, so his other child can go on a trip?

I know some of you will say it's only 2 months but that £170 is DDs travel money, after school activities, weekend spending, a small portion goes into her savings.

But as he's written it, if I say no, his DD2 misses out? Surely that's not my problem or Am I just being unreasonable

Petal12 Sun 28-Aug-16 21:24:56

Will he make the payments up after?? Or simply wants you to forget 2 payments?

mypropertea Sun 28-Aug-16 21:25:35

I'd say no. That money is for your DD.

NavyandWhite Sun 28-Aug-16 21:27:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbowqueeen Sun 28-Aug-16 21:27:56

He is being unreasonable. Say no

ImperialBlether Sun 28-Aug-16 21:28:18

Are you the only person paying for your daughter to go on a school trip?

And I'd tell him to sod off. Would he ask the water board or his internet service provider or his power company or his bank if they'd forgive a couple of months of payments so that his daughter can go on holiday.

Sod. Off.

Crisscrosscranky Sun 28-Aug-16 21:28:35

For the sake of keeping the peace I'd offer him to reduce to £50 a month for 2 months and then he pays you the £240 back on top of his usual £170 over the next 3 months. I would make it clear that without that money your DD will suffer too but you will make it up for a couple of months so the sisters don't have any tension between them.

bleedingnora Sun 28-Aug-16 21:28:58

And you don't need to justify it.

That money is for his daughters food and roof and clothes etc (fact you are well enough off to save some of it for her is irrelevant).

He is paying bugger all anyway really.

And who paid the £700 for your joint DD to go skiing anyway? Did he contribute specifically for that?

yumyumlama Sun 28-Aug-16 21:29:28

It is a strange request. I would just say that although you'd love to help, as he can imagine, the monthly payment for your daughter is crucial and already earmarked for essentials. Otherwise this could be the start of a slippery slope .....

sonlypuppyfat Sun 28-Aug-16 21:29:50

It's not your money to decide what to do with, it's your daughters. And I doubt very much she will give it up for someone to go on a trip with it

QuiteLikely5 Sun 28-Aug-16 21:31:17

Tell him he has no right to make his problem your problem - which is essentially what he has done!

Hi ex, although I sympathise with your situation it's not my problem to solve, plus I have financial commitments which means I rely on all of my income, ex

Lowerthanithought Sun 28-Aug-16 21:31:40

Did he contribute to your DD trip?

You're not the evil x by the way.

AyeAmarok Sun 28-Aug-16 21:31:42

Eh, no.


He doesn't get to decide that his first DD doesn't get financial support so he can support his younger DD instead.

£170 a month is a drop in the ocean anyway for what it costs to house, feed, keep warm, clothed and entertain a teen.

So basically, he wants you to subsidise his other daughter?

Tell him to get tae fuck.


hungryhippo90 Sun 28-Aug-16 21:32:02

Hell no.
I would send him a reply saying that the money he pays to you is his contribution to her living expenses.
Sadly this is not spare money, otherwise you would happily say that's fine, but seeing as it makes feeding/clothing/caring for DD1 possible, you are shocked that he would consider even asking this.
Furthermore maybe explain to him that, it would be like telling his newer wife, that DD doesn't need to eat/have clothes or anything that Costs money whilst they were paying off the geography trip.

Bit of a piss take really ain't it!

AcrossthePond55 Sun 28-Aug-16 21:34:22

Could you email him back that 'foregoing' the support would mean that your DD wouldn't be able to <insert whatever club, hobby, etc she does>, so no you won't be forgoing the money he pays to provide for his child.

Actually, I'd probably ignore the email unless he'll take that for consent.

FellOutOfBed2wice Sun 28-Aug-16 21:36:06

No, that's hugely unreasonable. He's hardly paying anything as it is!

JellyBelli Sun 28-Aug-16 21:36:31

No you are not being the evil ex and no he is not paying you.


ChicRock Sun 28-Aug-16 21:37:31

I would reply...

"I'm glad you brought up the subject of CM. I'm sure we're due for a review, would you like to provide me with details of your earnings or would you prefer if I refer this to the CMS".

OneTreeHill Sun 28-Aug-16 21:37:32

Thank goodness, I thought I was going to get lots of replies of poor DD2 and it's only 2 months.

I paid the £700 alone, the only financial contribution he makes is the £170 a month, the one time I asked for more money was for £30 to pay for DDs Cub fees years ago he made a big song and dance about the £170 angry

He clearly doesn't expect to pay it back and even if he agrees, I doubt he ever will.

allnewredfairy Sun 28-Aug-16 21:38:10

I'd tell him to beggar off!

GeneralBobbit Sun 28-Aug-16 21:39:27

Of course you don't. His £40 a week doesn't cover hardly anything, never mind her own trip angry

Just ignore it. Bet he's had a pay rise in the last 8 years. You could always ask CMS for a salary check in case he owes you more.

Trifleorbust Sun 28-Aug-16 21:40:25

No. The money he gives you is his contribution to the essentials, whatever you physically spend it on. His daughter's trip is a) secondary to that and b) not your problem. I would say you understand why he has asked, but no.

Cookingongas Sun 28-Aug-16 21:43:44


If the only way you can afford to send your daughter in a trip is to stop paying your bills? You shrug and hope you can afford it next time! You don't phone the mortgage company and ask them to let a couple of months go so your dd can go skiing! It's the same thing! Cms is a fixed outgoing just like a mortgage. ( and considerably less than the cost of a child!)

Lowerthanithought Sun 28-Aug-16 21:44:09

I'd write back 'it was very difficult for me to pay for DD trip alone. She relies on your contribution each month for all the necessities your other child does. Please feel free to communicate with the CMS regarding changes in payment.' And perhaps 'go fuck yourself'

Lookatyourwatchnow Sun 28-Aug-16 21:44:45

HAHA. OP, I was already laughing incredulously at the sheer cheek of your XH and then I read that he didn't even contribute to your DD's trip! So pleased for you that he is your ex.

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