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I don't know who was wrong more

(153 Posts)
Villagebike3 Sat 04-Jun-16 19:46:32

I know I'm wrong, I just don't know how wrong.

My 13 year old son is challenging. Due to poor behaviour he is on a 24 hour ban of his iPad. He hid himself away and used his iPad. I told him off for breaking the ban and being sneaky.

I called him to the dinner table and said that as he broke the ban he now had a week ban and changed the passcode so he couldn't sneak it away. He then became 'mouthy' with me and threaten to stab me with his dinner knife... Covered in beans.

I slapped him across the face and Todd him not to back chat me as he was in the wrong and now threatening me with a knife.

My husband came along and told me off. This totally undermined me and now my son is upstairs (sent to his room) and husband refuses to come down to eat.

Go on... Tell me then.

Gazelda Sat 04-Jun-16 19:49:20

I don't think it matters who was more wrong.

Apologise to your DS. Keep the ban though.

Apologise to your DH, tell him how much you've been pushed but that you regret what happened. Ask him to challenge you privately on future, not in front of DS.

Tomorrow is another day.

Bearbehind Sat 04-Jun-16 19:49:32

You slapped him across the face? Are you for real?

GettingScaredNow Sat 04-Jun-16 19:49:37

You slapped a child.
You are in the wrong.
Completely and utterly in the wrong.

He threatened to stab you so he needs help. He doesn't need his mother affirming his view that violence is the best reaction.

fussygalore118 Sat 04-Jun-16 19:52:29

keep the ban, apologise for the slap and give him a f. bo!locking for threatening you with a knife!!

Newes Sat 04-Jun-16 19:53:31

Tell your DS you were wrong to slap him, that you don't wish to discuss all the surrounding issues tonight.
Talk to your DH about the best way forward from here.
It's not an irretrievable situation, despite it escalating to that point.

Sighing Sat 04-Jun-16 19:54:48

If you react with violence then i guess that's a normal threat for him to make? Certainly, as a teenager the only person who i ever threatened / fantasised about hurting used to regularly hit me etc.
He's escalating from the level you've made acceptable. You probably need some sort of intervention if your house is like that.
I can see why your H needs a break, it must be heart breaking.

Pinkheart5915 Sat 04-Jun-16 19:54:50

You slapped a child, totally in the wrong for that there is no excuse I agree with your DH.
You told your son off for bad behaviour by hitting him, he's not going to learn from that other than you think violence is ok.

Talk to your ds say you shouldn't of hit him and that violence is never a way to behave but he will be keeping him iPad ban.
Talk to your DH again you apologise for hitting your son and then leave your DH for tonight.

Arfarfanarf Sat 04-Jun-16 19:56:51

Well, since you asked, I think that you are the one most in the wrong. You are the adult, you have to set the best example. You've just taught your son that it's ok to hit people.
He is a child pushing boundaries. It's what they do. Slapping across the face is humiliating. My mother used to do it to me.
I think you need to apologise for hitting him in the face (if my husband hit one of our sons in the face he'd be sleeping in the car, frankly) but the tech ban should stand.

UpsiLondoes Sat 04-Jun-16 19:58:45

I wouldn't apologise to a 13 year old who disobeyed and flaunted his punishment and then threatened to stab me. Slapping him wasn't right but he thinks he can walk all over you, with your husband's backing him up. Not right either.

Arfarfanarf Sat 04-Jun-16 19:59:45

And you and your husband need to be together re the knife. That is also unacceptable.
You will need to address that with your son. He needs to know how serious threatening someone with a knife is.

Arfarfanarf Sat 04-Jun-16 20:01:07

And a seperate punishment is needed for that.
He needs to know that people may react in many ways if someone waves a knife at them.

IthinkIamsinking Sat 04-Jun-16 20:01:45

Really shitty way to behave. The one thing I remember from my childhood was being slapped across the face by my mother. You need to apologise to your DS for that before anything else is tackled.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn Sat 04-Jun-16 20:03:45

So you told off your son for threatening violence, with violence. Yep, great lesson there for him. Not sure you have taught him anything at all! I'd go apeshit if my partner did this to our children so I don't blame your husband for his reaction.

The threatening to stab you needs addressing separately. That's not a normal threat for a child to make to its mother.

Jodie1982 Sat 04-Jun-16 20:07:18

I had police n social workers at my house one day as my son told his dad (my ex) that I slapped him. (Totally untrue). It caused a load of shit for me. You was wrong to slap him in the face (hopefully he won't tell any teachers/people u did that) but I'd flip out if my boy threatened me with a knife, he'd get huge ban from his gadgets for that. What did your husband say to your son about the knife incident? He can't just ignore that.

TiredOfSleep Sat 04-Jun-16 20:17:26

I'm shocked you weren't sure who was being worse. He's 13! You slapped him!

Liara Sat 04-Jun-16 20:17:43

He's 13, hardly a baby.

Of course you should apologise for losing your temper, but at that age I think it's pretty healthy for children to begin to understand that their parents are adults who have their breaking point like everyone else.

And that behaviour that is bad enough to tip a (normally non-violent, I presume) person who loves him into violence is really, really fucking bad. If he did that to someone else the consequences would likely be a damn site worse than a little slap.

I think your dh could do with being a bit more supportive. Intervening when you are behaving badly is OK, even if it is a bit undermining, but refusing to come down to eat (and talk about what went wrong and what the best thing to do now would be) just makes it sound like he's an extra teenager.

Brightnorthernlights Sat 04-Jun-16 20:27:28

He threatened you with violence so you reacted with violence confused.

Next time he has an iPad ban....lock it away.

nooka Sat 04-Jun-16 20:28:23

If I hit either of my children I would expect my dh to tell me to leave. I would react similarly. Pretty much regardless of provocation except possibly self defense. That's a really really iffy line to follow in any case, one used by abusive people to justify their abuse - 'she drove me to it'.

branofthemist Sat 04-Jun-16 20:36:22

If dh slapped one of my kids he would be out the door, regardless of the reason.

How is slapping an ok response to a threat of violence, unless you really thought he was going to and was defending yourself.

I can't believe you are ttyl g to work out 'who was more wrong'

harshbuttrue1980 Sat 04-Jun-16 20:37:10

Slapping a child isn't the best idea, but I can see why you might have reacted like this out of sheer shock at your son threatening to stab you. Your son needs help - threatening to stab someone isn't normal.

RonaldMcDonald Sat 04-Jun-16 20:49:25

Are some of us minimising this because it was a mum hitting a son? Honest question
If it were 'my husband slapped my daughter' would we be speaking differently?

I think you need help OP. Get it

nooka Sat 04-Jun-16 21:01:36

Slapping anyone is assault. Which would be taken rather more seriously by say the police than threatening someone with a table knife. Which from the description was a fairly idle threat.

That's not to say that the child in question might not have needed to be disciplined in some way for being rude. However if I came across this scene I'd be horrified and you bet I would have 'undermined' the perpetrator. Big time! The child would not have been the person sent to their room

Pearlman Sat 04-Jun-16 21:34:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pearlman Sat 04-Jun-16 21:35:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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