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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about PIL visits

86 replies

MuniK · 15/05/2016 16:19

Sorry about the long post, but i think a bit of background is needed. I have a 12 week of ds. My dp is French and his parents live in France (they are divorced). When ds was born MIL came over to help out, I had an emergency C-section and i was in a lot of pain for the first 4 weeks. My relationship with her was quite nice before i got pregnant, but since i got pregnant she became very obsessive and wanted to know all the details which i found very intrusive. She also suffers from anxiety, is very insecure about herself and very awkward socially eg would not even talk during dinner/mealtimes etc. She stayed for the first 7 weeks with us after ds was born, during this time i felt really undermined and judged by her eg each time baby was crying she made me feel it was my fault by making lot of snide remarks, eventually it led to a big outburst towards the end of her stay. So our relationship is very poor at the moment and I feel extremely disturbed about the little outburst we had. My relationship with my FIL is much better he is pretty relaxed and easygoing i enjoy spending time with him, however he is also very obsessive about our ds. I understand they want to be part of our ds life as he is their first grandchild and since my dp is an only child there is additional pressure/obsessiveness.
I am from a different culture too and my parents live abroad too. They have not visited us so far and are not planning to visit us anytime soon due to personal reasons.
The reason i am posting is that my dp would like his parents to visit us every month and stay with us over a long weekend, since they are divorced they would visit separately, so we will one person coming at a time each month. I do not like this arrangement 1) because of the episode i had with my MIL i still quite disturbed and upset with her i cannot imagine seeing her anytime soon but i dont want dp to be sad so i am ready to compromise 2) i really find my PILs presence overbearing i feel suffocated by there presence as they do not respect my presence, ever since ds is born they just completely ignore my presence and just want to spend time with ds 3)I would not mind having them more around but since ds was born they have become extremely obsessive about him and i find it quite unhealthy and intrusive.
So i suggested my dp that they can visit us for a long weekend a month at a time and then give 2 months break in between were none of them visit us. AIBU to ask this?

OP posts:

TrillKitten · 15/05/2016 17:09

Actually diddl might have put it best!

RedToothBrush · 15/05/2016 17:10

Its too much.

ToadsforJustice · 15/05/2016 17:13

YANBU. PIL had their time as parents with DH to watch him grow up. They expect too much from you. Three or four times a year is plenty of time for contact.

LindyHemming · 15/05/2016 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MuniK · 15/05/2016 17:13

Janecc Thanks for your reply. I really feel all these visits are too much for me already. In last three months his mum stayed over for 7 weeks and his father has visited twice, one very short visit and other visit was over a weekend. Last weekend his aunt came over but only stayed over for lunch and bit after. My family is not at all in the picture, they live abroad too I dont even get the time to call them i call them may be once in 2/3 weeks. They are not very keen on visiting due to personal/administrative reasons they would need a visa to visit us, which is too much administrative work for them. Quite frankly i am not bothered by their absence i think my PILs presence is already too much in our life, there is no room for my family. I would like to visit my family when ds is a bit older maybe around8/9 months before i start working, but its a very long trip but nothing is planned so far.

OP posts:

Roastbeefandyorkshires · 15/05/2016 17:14

Yanbu

Janecc · 15/05/2016 17:14

I understood what he was suggesting. I still maintain 3 times a year max - including if you were mad enough to France. In the words of general degaulle, who refused to let the uk in the common market (as it was called pre EU) NON NON NON

Janecc · 15/05/2016 17:18

Just seen your post, I would be going for a long visit to see my family some time soon. What a shame op. Don't let them bully you.

Original poster

MuniK · 15/05/2016 17:19

Janecc His mum basically came to help us I was in a lot of pain for the first 4 weeks i could leave the bed almost. But as soon as i felt better i suggested my dp she could probably return but he kept insisting that i need her help and i dint want to sound ungrateful either so did not stress on it. btw i am very grateful that she helped out but if i knew how she would torture/bully me for all the help (cooking/cleaning/shopping) she did i would have preferred to stay alone and go hungry.

OP posts:

diddl · 15/05/2016 17:20

How much did you see them before the baby?

It sounds as if he is taking advantage of the fact that your family won't be visiting.

LouSavage · 15/05/2016 17:20

Absolutely not being unreasonable! I would say no and wouldn't be budged on it. I can't think of anything less enjoyable.

bellybuttonfairy · 15/05/2016 17:21

Eeek! I couldn't bear it.

I think one weekend a month. Suggest one weekend - each alternative month. Plus, they stay in the hotel down the road.

Think of some jobs they could do. Babysit. Take baby when she gets older to local baby classes. Plan fun days they can do with her.

It sounds awful at the moment as she is so small and you are a brand new mother.

However, as she gets older, you may well look forward to these visits. Your daughter will end up loving them and you will have 'me' time. Use the babysitting night as a date night every month for you and husband.

diddl · 15/05/2016 17:21

" i suggested my dp she could probably return but he kept insisting that i need her help "

He sounds as bullying as his mum

BoatyMcBoat · 15/05/2016 17:23

This is exactly what Skype is for. Set it up, then tell him that he can Skype his parents any time, with ds on his lap so they see him. DH is also quite capable of phoning them, sending photos and emails.

Hissy · 15/05/2016 17:24

Id also suggest a B and B for when they come over. Gives them and you some space.

Let your dp do Skype calls in the mean time, it's too much and tbh, this stage of baby is fairly uneventful.

Inertia · 15/05/2016 17:27

YANBU.

Your husband sounds horrible. This is your child- your husband is treating you like the unelected gatekeeper of his parents' prize.

Original poster

MuniK · 15/05/2016 17:32

diddl, Hissy he already skypes every week with her. his father calls him every night on the phone, he prefers to call on the phone rather then skype his choice.

diddl before having our ds we were living on the US so they were visiting us once a year roughly. we moved to the UK so he could be closer to his family, if i knew it will turn out this way i would have never agreed to move this close to his family. In the future he would like to move to France which i am not going to agree at all

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 15/05/2016 17:36

There is an execptation in France that grandparents will be very involved in raising DGC, not just visiting them (Grandmothers more than grandfathers) - most do a lot of childcare and are seen as having a responsibility towards their DGC.

This is a big cultural expectation and you will have to make it clear to your DH that unless his parents are going to move to the UK or you move to living near them, they really aren't going to be as involved as other French grandparents and he has to make his peace with the fact that his decision to move and start a family in the UK will mean his DCs won't have the same relationship with their grandparents as other French children.

If they are missing out on seeing the DC, he could have a regular skype with his parents, booking a time in weekly with each (again, something he does, it is not your job to maintain his parents relationship with the DC, it's his. This can't be at a time that causes you problems. So not middle of the day on the weekend so you can't go out/have to rush back and plan your weekends around the call, something like 8am would be perfect, he does this with DC while you have a lazy morning, it's done and not hanging over you for the weekend!).

DinosaursRoar · 15/05/2016 17:39

X post! so he already skypes his mum, and wants to move to France? That actually might be better, you might not have to have the long periods with her in your house, but having her visit for an evening or you visiting her... Living close to make regular visits practical, but not close enough for them to go home afterwards is the worse distance.

Oysterbabe · 15/05/2016 17:43

7 weeks?!!!!! That's a decade in visiting in-laws time.

Hissy · 15/05/2016 17:44

Every night? Sheesh! That's ridiculous!

Does he not see that if this routine is allowed to stay, it becomes fixed and yeah, your pil will have you rushing back for this, that and the other. Far better to keep things loose and not set anything in stone.

yorkshapudding · 15/05/2016 17:55

So that's two long weekends every month given over to your in laws visiting?? I don't see how he can possibly think that's reasonable. Even people I get along fantastically well with would start to irritate the hell out of me if I had to host them that frequently.

Why does there need to be this rigid, formalised arrangement around the length and frequency of their visits anyway? Surely if they want to visit they let you know the dates, you and DH discuss it and then you either say "yes, that weekend is fine" or "no sorry, that weekend isn't convenient for us". Once you get into this business of having a set amount of visits at set times etc. it will become very difficult for you to scale it back if you have a particularly busy month or fancy going away for example as PIL's will be used to the arrangement and see it as their right.

It's emotionally manipulative of him to claim that if you don't agree to this completely OTT arrangement his parents will "miss out" on your child's development. Plenty of GP's are very much loved by and involved with their GC's without needing to be a near-constant presence in their home. Doesn't he understand that the three of you having time to bond as a family is the most important thing here?

You have to put your foot down, OP. I understand that you don't want to upset him but what he's asking of you is completely excessive and if you agree to this you will end up massively resenting the intrusion, lack of free time and the expectation that his family's needs and feelings trump yours.

BoatyMcBoat · 15/05/2016 17:57

He may well prefer to use his phone when talking to his parents, but Skyping is the compromise between them coming over as often as he wants, or what your preference is (they come over once year?!). So he Skypes once a week with ds, and they visit a couple of times a year each, 4 visits.

CoolCarrie · 15/05/2016 17:57

YANBU at all. 3 /4 times a year is quite enough. Don't let them bully you. Stand your ground. I have been there with my PILs & my own parents too!

diddl · 15/05/2016 18:05

Rather than so many weekends I think that I'd rather have them both over a couple of times for a week at each time.

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