AIBU about PIL visits

[MuniK]

Sorry about the long post, but i think a bit of background is needed. I have a 12 week of ds. My dp is French and his parents live in France (they are divorced). When ds was born MIL came over to help out, I had an emergency C-section and i was in a lot of pain for the first 4 weeks. My relationship with her was quite nice before i got pregnant, but since i got pregnant she became very obsessive and wanted to know all the details which i found very intrusive. She also suffers from anxiety, is very insecure about herself and very awkward socially eg would not even talk during dinner/mealtimes etc. She stayed for the first 7 weeks with us after ds was born, during this time i felt really undermined and judged by her eg each time baby was crying she made me feel it was my fault by making lot of snide remarks, eventually it led to a big outburst towards the end of her stay. So our relationship is very poor at the moment and I feel extremely disturbed about the little outburst we had. My relationship with my FIL is much better he is pretty relaxed and easygoing i enjoy spending time with him, however he is also very obsessive about our ds. I understand they want to be part of our ds life as he is their first grandchild and since my dp is an only child there is additional pressure/obsessiveness.
I am from a different culture too and my parents live abroad too. They have not visited us so far and are not planning to visit us anytime soon due to personal reasons.
The reason i am posting is that my dp would like his parents to visit us every month and stay with us over a long weekend, since they are divorced they would visit separately, so we will one person coming at a time each month. I do not like this arrangement 1) because of the episode i had with my MIL i still quite disturbed and upset with her i cannot imagine seeing her anytime soon but i dont want dp to be sad so i am ready to compromise 2) i really find my PILs presence overbearing i feel suffocated by there presence as they do not respect my presence, ever since ds is born they just completely ignore my presence and just want to spend time with ds 3)I would not mind having them more around but since ds was born they have become extremely obsessive about him and i find it quite unhealthy and intrusive.
So i suggested my dp that they can visit us for a long weekend a month at a time and then give 2 months break in between were none of them visit us. AIBU to ask this?

diddl not wasted on me either.

It's a good job you're not of the same ilk as your mil op. Look up stuff on toxic people and narcissists. Your mil sounds as if she fits nicely into this category.

diddl i feel the same, its really interesting to see her behaviour when the roles are reversed. you know but she is very tactical and manipulative which i have only recently realised her behaviour in presence/absence of dp is quite different.

Janecc I would like to do that, but on second thoughts is she worth all this attention and effort

All of the suggestions seem very helpful and I'm wondering if I can make one more. I always had difficulties with my in-laws and so got my husband to take the children to them, rather than have them come to us. They were rude to me once too often and I refused to have them in the house. Perhaps when baby gets a little bigger he can visit his parents for the weekend and give you a break both from the baby and the in-laws. It might also make them less likely to kick up a stink about you saying they can't visit so often.

Even if it is too late for your PIL to change their expectations, it won't do any harm at all for your DH to remind them every now and then that you have very different expectations of grand parent input and as such have already compromised hugely from where you wanted to be at a very important time in your life. And so it wouldn't hurt them to think about this and if they want you to compromise ever again more then they need to be more considerate towards you too or you are likely to treat your PIL just like MIL treated her PIL...

might make her think

I am very involved in my DGDs life, she is 13 weeks old.

I pop over and see DD for maybe 3 hours once a week, when it is mutually convenient.

I cannot manage that this week but she happened to be in town, so I had a quick snuggle and did one nappy change. I will see her next Monday.

I would not want to invade her or her DHs life to the extent you are talking about, all in one chunk!

Oh and DGD has three sets of GPs, me and DP, DD's DF and his wife and her DH's parents.

Try This:

Je suis une nouvelle maman qui a besoin de passer du temps avec vous et notre enfant le week-end , ne pas jouer l'hôtesse à vos parents. je ne besoin du stress.

Or

vous devez rappeler à votre mère de ce qu'elle ressentait pour ses maris parents!

Munik the suggestion of toxic people and narcissists wasn't to waste time on her, was for you, to look at strategies for dealing with her and his father, as you describe them as overtly pushy. I've found what I've read on narcissism immensely helpful for tackling issues with certain people. If you can do without this then, great, that would mean you've learnt what you need to know about loving yourself, respect and boundaries. I was also thinking how reading up may help when talking about these issues with your husband as it seems he is being heavily influenced by his parents. I'm not suggesting he's a narcissist, more that it could give you more tools for dealing with this and to explain how respectful families operate to him. You've said he gets defensive of his mother and is trying to emotionally blackmail you into seeing them more often and also said about hoe you feel bullied by him in relation to his parents. I really do think it would be helpful. Your dp has been trained by your mil and she seems very narcissistic, her behaviour at the table seems contrived, I'm talking about where she can't speak and is always crying. As I say, I may be way wrong here but my feeling is that all of this is designed for you to feel sorry for her and maybe if she's very very upset one day, you may ask her to come and live with you?! I know what I'm saying seems harsh but the way I'm thinking is, she would rather wallow in self pity and hope your dp will rescue her, than go and get the help/counselling she needs. Frequent flights in and out of the U.K. cost and I'm assuming she has enough money to pay to see someone - and I imagine the French health system would pay anyway. As I say, I've read a lot on narcissism and the crying/pity me is one tool of many that narcissists employ.

Why don't they visit together? Then they would both get more time with the baby without imposing on your privacy so much.

Skype?!??