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Aibu to think I should not be the one who is apologising?

(164 Posts)
Coulditbeme Sat 07-May-16 18:29:40

Hi, I do not think I am being unreasonable but my partner thinks I am so I'd like some opinions of people who don't know us please.

Been together 6 years and have a small baby who was not planned but is very much loved by us both.

We both work full time during the week and here's the problem - he spends a lot of time away at weekends with hobbies and seeing family and friends - just says "this is what I'm doing this weekend" and off he goes whilst I am left here alone with my child from a previous relationship and our baby then on his return, which is whenever he chooses, is very happy to see baby and play with her and look after her but I feel very much like he hasn't missed me and only comes back at all for the baby.

He's been having so much fun on these busy weekends away that he falls asleep early the night he comes back and hardly ever wants sex, which I find upsetting.

I really miss him and would love to feel that he has missed me and wants sex with me.
Feel like he doesn't love me.
I've told him many times to no avail.

A couple of weekends ago i lost it when he just went off with a friend and forgot that we had plans. I was so looking forward to finally having a day together, it was a culmination of previous times I've been left to cope alone and when he did turn up I lost my temper, slammed a door and shouted at him that I wasn't putting up with it any more.

He thinks I am being unreasonable, he says doesn't like me when I'm unpleasant and angry and a controlling horrible person.
I stress him out - but his behaviour stresses me out!

I've found myself apologising though i don't think I'm in the wrong here because he was thinking of leaving me unless I basically become a different person, one who will just put up with his shoddy treatment of me without complaint. If I do that then all is well.

I'm so upset I ask is for a bit of consideration and love to be shown.
I don't expect him here all the time, don't mind him seeing friends and family at all.
i just want a simple life with a man who might well go away but comes back when he says he will, tells me he's missed me and makes me feel loved.
Staying awake for sex once in a while might help too.

He never tells me he loves me although when I ask he says he does.
I feel so unloved, I'm just a nuisance.
Feel like he doesn't love me, doesn't fancy me and doesn't consider my feelings.

He just cannot see it at all. Doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.

Who's unreasonable? Me for expecting to be a priority and feel loved or him for expecting to just come and go as he pleases without consulting me?

Was I justified in losing my temper and how do we move forward if we both think the other is at fault??

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Sat 07-May-16 18:32:18

He is U YANBU if it were me the way forward would be to end the relationship but not sure if that's what you want? What outcome do you want?

ImperialBlether Sat 07-May-16 18:35:44

I would have lost my temper long before you did. He's like a teenager, isn't he? He wants to do whatever he wants and for you to shut up about it.

At the weekends, he thinks he's single, doesn't he? Why aren't you all going to see family and friends? Why does he go alone? Are you sure there isn't one particular person he's seeing?

QuiteLikely5 Sat 07-May-16 18:36:31

How often on the weekend is he going out? Every Friday, every Saturday? Does he invite you?

RandomMess Sat 07-May-16 18:38:50

TBH he sounds like a cocklodger.

He doesn't want to split up as this way he can see his baby as and when it suits him...

Coulditbeme Sat 07-May-16 18:42:12

I couldn't believe he said he thought of ending it and I had to apologise for my reaction to his ongoing rotten treatment of me.

I said if anyone's thinking of ending this it should be me but I don't want to.

I want to work it out, it shouldn't be such a hardship should it?

It should be very simple if he loves me.

I love him and this is really silly but I'd feel so upset for us and our baby if I ended it. I want to bring her up with her dad. Would feel like I'd let her down.

He is absolutely fantastic with her when he's here and loves her to bits.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 07-May-16 18:43:01

Sorry but this screams affair. And if he's not messing around with someone else, he certainly isn't behaving like a partner.

It sounds like he wants you to dump him so he's not the bad guy.

flowers

expatinscotland Sat 07-May-16 18:46:04

'Feel like he doesn't love me, doesn't fancy me and doesn't consider my feelings. '

He doesn't.

mamas12 Sat 07-May-16 18:47:42

Hmm but he's not being a good dad is he by not being there looking after her or with his treatment of her mother
You are in the right here and he is being completely and utterly selfish
Can you leave him alone with the children for a few hours for him to see what it's like
I know you want to spend time with him as a family and as a couple but it looks like he doesn't
Ask hi. If he wants a grown up relationship at all or just want s to be a cocklodger (without the cock bit for you at the moment though )

Serious words need to be had

Coulditbeme Sat 07-May-16 18:52:59

He goes away for the whole weekend after work on Friday and comes back Sunday night for work on Monday.

His family and a lot of his friends are not round here. Most live in his home town about 100 miles away. He moved here for his work.
I understand completely him wanting to see his family regularly.

We have been on very few occasions but it's not often we can go.
Either we are just not asked or I can't go because my older child has plans, I need to take her somewhere etc.

Then we have the weekends away with friends.
Plans are just made and I am informed that's what he's doing.
I couldn't go to these as they'll involve a night on the drink and I'd just be stuck in a nearby premier inn with our baby so might as well stay in my own home.

And I've got my older child to consider too.
She goes to her dad's some weekends so it'd be lovely to have him here for some together time, we could go out or just have a nice evening when baby's in bed but but that very rarely happens.

Always gets a better offer.

PatriciaHolm Sat 07-May-16 18:54:31

These friends and family - are they not people you want to see/want to see you and DD too? I can't fathom how he can have so many people only he wants to see?

His behaviour is that of a single bloke.

Nanny0gg Sat 07-May-16 18:57:18

Sorry, he's not a partner and you don't have a relationship.

Make plans for how you can manage without him (although that's pretty much what you're doing anyway)

QuiteLikely5 Sat 07-May-16 18:57:48

Going away for full weekends on a regular basis is not right at all.

I don't know how he would feel if you did this to him on a regular basis - although you would not do that would you because it's not what committed people do.

I'd be concerned if I was in your shoes. Forget what he says, his actions are telling you loud and clear how this guy is thinking

expatinscotland Sat 07-May-16 19:01:40

He's not a partner in any way. He behaves as if he is single.

petalsandstars Sat 07-May-16 19:03:47

He's not a partner - you are a convenient place to stay while he works with food/laundry/cleaning included. Then he goes back to his real life at the weekend. Harsh but about the bones of it.

Coulditbeme Sat 07-May-16 19:03:51

I can't believe I had to promise not to get upset and lose my temper over it to keep him!

It should be the other way round but he can't see it at all!

He's made me think I'm going mad.

He is behaving like a single bloke, you're right.

He thinks there's nothing wrong with his behaviour and we should just be happy to see him when he is here.

He thinks I'm being totally unreasonable and am making him ill by stressing out over it.

Again, the other way round, it's me who should be ill!

Coulditbeme Sat 07-May-16 19:07:04

I will be back later on to read more replies.

Thankyou all.

Surprise surprise he's away for the weekend so I have to disappear for a while now to put baby to bed.

Back on later x

purplefox Sat 07-May-16 19:07:36

YANU - this isn't a relationship at all, he sounds absolutely dire. Why are you still with him when he's pretty much living a single life?

Balanced12 Sat 07-May-16 19:08:02

Just LTB !

daisydukes34 Sat 07-May-16 19:09:53

Leave ASAP the longer you leave it, the harder It will get.
flowers

shinynewusername Sat 07-May-16 19:10:57

I am so sorry, but I don't think he loves you and - no matter hard it will be - you are better off without him.

Isoundlikeahousewife Sat 07-May-16 19:14:52

I wonder what were his other previous relationships like?

Does he contact you much during his weekends away?

Sorry, I agree with the pp that says this screams affair. For all you know, he could have 2 homes, 2 families, heaven knows what going on.

YANBU. His life should be with you.

He's a total ass.

DeadGood Sat 07-May-16 19:14:56

This is awful reading. How dare he.
OP, I suggest you consider the very real possibility that you may have to leave him. You have said you want to work it out, and that is fine, as long as that doesn't involve you capitulating entirely.
Set the terms, and if he can't meet them, you will have to leave. The alternative is being this miserable forever.
What he is doing is completely wrong.

Oakmaiden Sat 07-May-16 19:15:03

Sorry - I am not clear - does he EVER spend the weekend at home? Once a month? Every other week? How often is he there, and how often is he away?

YouTheCat Sat 07-May-16 19:15:09

Tell him he has two choices.

The first choice is he starts to behave like a man with a family to consider and curbs his jaunts. He also starts treating you with a bit of respect.

Or, he can choose the life of a single man and bugger off back to his precious family.

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