Overstaying a welcome (to want my couch back)?

[Tooslowchickenmarengo]

Sorry this is long and more of a wwyd than aibu really.

Partner's friend has been living on our couch for the last three weeks (small one bed flat, open plan kitchen/living room). He left his previous flat share as didn't want to commit to another year long tenancy as he wasn't happy with his room and flat mates. I suspect he was a bit lonely too. The decision to not renew tenancy decided upon before he asked if he could crash at our flat whilst he looked for somewhere else so very much fait accompli and felt put in a position to say nothing but of course you can stay. Separately he asked if he could store his stuff at pils house (round the corner from us) which they obliged. This was all requested a week prior to move.

So as not to drip feed, he did the same thing two years ago (stayed on couch for six weeks, used the flat as his own, stored stuff at pils and partner helped him move when he eventually found somewhere). When he left there wasn't so much as a thank you card, bottle of wine or flowers despite staying with us despite not paying any bills or food and thus saving close to a grand on bills and rent. It is really not about the money at all - we would never accept it but a gesture would mean I at least didn't feel like we were having the piss taken.

I'm annoyed for being put in this position in the first place but also because he is a bit tight- he's not put his hand in his pocket for the last three weeks, never buys a round at the pub if we've gone out or offers to get stuff from the shop despite being happy to eat our food. I know I'm being a bitch but I'm also tired of making small talk when I get home from work or at weekend (he is always home).

I don't want to be passive aggressive and make it awkward for him (I know he is looking for somewhere and partner says he'd like to think his friend would do the same for him if situation was reversed) but he's not my friend and I'm tired of having to share our flat with him.

Wwyd? He has nowhere to live atm so I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place (telling him to give us our couch back / stop being a bitch and suck it up for partners mate)

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

i know I'm being a bitch

You're not being a bitch. 3 weeks in a spare bedroom is a long time. On your sofa without contributing at all is a complete piss take.

[UpsiLondoes]

This is the result of deliberate and thoughtful choices made by your friend - yet you're reacting as if you had no choice and he was destitute with no other options.

"You can stay for one more night - we are not your parents and I thought it was clear last time was a one-off."

[AgentZigzag]

You are not being a bitch!

Why isn't your DP telling him where to get off/forcing him to pay his way/telling him he's got one week to get another place?

He must know he's taking the piss and you're not happy about it.

If he does and he'd rather you were unhappy than telling his friend that he has to move, that doesn't sound good.

What's making you feel as though you don't have a say? Is it because you want to cover all angles just in case you get an AIBU pasting if you don't, or are they making you feel as though you have to be hospitable just because he's got the brass neck to try it on?

[ImperialBlether]

I would tell him he has one week to get his act together. He wouldn't do the same for your partner at all; he's a selfish lazy bloke who likes to save his money while other people spend theirs on him.

[EssentialHummus]

Well, it's a shame you let him do this the second time after your first experience of this. I think you both need to sit him down and explain that things have changed and you need him out by whatever date. Fabricate a visiting granny if need be.

[AnnieOnnieMouse]

I'll be your visiting Auntie Maud, if you like!

[lamiashiro]

Oh god, I totally feel your pain. I had nearly the exact same situation with exDP's brother a number of years ago. Came back from travelling, didn't want to fork out for a flat, asked if he could stay with us for a week or two on the sofa. Stayed for six weeks. It was awful. He refused to pay anything towards food, bills or rent, lay around the flat all day doing fuck all but somehow making a mess doing it and just generally being objectionable.

He only moved out when I finally told him that if he wanted to stay any longer he had to contribute money. He got all offended and PA, but he did move out thank god.

[thenightsky]

Oh God. DH (before we were married) and his best mate lent a sofa to lass who was homeless. She said it would be a month at most. Two YEARS later she was still there!

[FrogFairy]

Sounds like you have a cock(less)lodger. What a pisstaker, I would struggle to respect a friend who took advantage like this.

[Lakiey]

Tell him he needs to pay for the 3 weeks he's been in your house, just tell him you need space so he has to move out.

[AddToBasket]

YANBU but I think you DH has really got to be the one that sorts this out.

[fatmomma99]

Y'know, they often say on here you shouldn't expect presents or thank yous, but they do make a difference, don't they (and I say this also as someone who volunteers and runs events and things - it's knackering, and someone standing up and the end and saying "thank you fatmomma" or buying me wine I wont drink or giving me a naff card I don't like honestly makes it worthwhile.

You DID this, he didn't even say thankyou (would a bunch of flowers have been so hard!!!!) and now you're having to do it again.

Don't blame you for (at the very least) feeling a little grumpy.

I'd put this one onto your partner. He needs to have a word with his friend.

Because I suspect some (genuine) thanks would make a difference to you. But he still needs to sort his shit and get out v soon!

[ColaSpangles]

tell him you're both having terrible money problems and hope you can rely on friends for help. He'll be gone in a shake of a lamb's tail.

[Poikjhvcx]

Why can't you ask him for some money?

Hi Scrounger Friend, I know we al thought you would be only staying a short while but it's already been three weeks I think it's fair for you to contribute financially. I have had a think about it and £50 a week would help. Starting from today. Also, you have to help around the flat. This is our home and we like to keep it tidy and clean. I think I should be honest with you that last time you stayed with us, I was a bit put out that you didn't offer or give us anything even though you were here for such a long time. I thought it better to tell you rather than quietly feeling like I'm being used

[londonrach]

You need to charge him for food etc. as for the staying let him know he has a week to sort himself but after that hes out. You need to get your dh to sort this! Show him this thread.

[topcat2014]

Wow - what a position to be put in (and I am on a housing charity btw).
A one week deadline sounds reasonable to me.

[coconutpie]

No way would I even give him a week. He can check into a B&B or hotel. One more night max and he's out. Why did you agree to this after last time?

[chickenowner]

YANBU! Not paying rent is one thing, but not contributing towards food and bills is absolutely crazy!

[scarlets]

Deadline time.

Or, if you're a bit of a coward like me, invite a mate from miles away to visit for a couple of nights in May - "we'll need the sofa for her, but I'm sure you'll be sorted by then". The mate can always "cancel" once he's moved out.

He's not much of a friend. Do what's necessary.

[coconutpie]

And how is he not even contributing towards food? He's making a fool out of you both.

[Gide]

I understand it's hard given it's dh's friend, but omg, he's taking the piss! Free accommodation for weeks at a time and no offer of rent? Total joke! Speak to the DH and tell him you are feeling invaded and he has to get rid of his parasitic mate. Does this idiot not work that he's always there?

[LovelyFriend]

I've known guys who have done this. He's scamming you. Managing to live cost free, not even a thank you.

He's got it all set up. If you don't deal with this now, he'll be back a third time.

And you are so not being a bitch.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

I take it he works?

There's I need for him to be dossing at your place, he can sleep in a travel lodge or b+b type place.

Talk to your partner and give a deadline , he's taking the piss.

[Floggingmolly]

He's using you as a free hotel! I get that he's saving the rent money; but does he really not understand that it's not your responsibility to provide all his food, his drinks when you're in a pub (!).
Maybe that's why his last flat mates gave him the old heave ho...
Having him hanging around the place would be irritating enough, but he's actually costing you money??
Your DH needs to tell him to go.