to ask why, if it's generally accepted to be the behaviour of a twat, do parents exclude a couple of kids from class parties?

[Chippedrippedandstinking]

Inspired by Lappy's thread, we all agree it's wrong and yet it happens. With flame amnesty, will abuone admit to doing it, and if so, why?
And if it happened to you, did you call the parents on it?

I've only seen it once, the mother was taken aside and an invitation was issued.

[formerbabe]

I've never done it. My dc either invite the whole class or just a handful (half or under). If it's a party with just a few children, I tell them not to talk about it during school incase it upsets anyone else.

I'm amazed how many parents think it's ok...I often wonder what kind of mother/father cannot empathise with how another child might feel about this.

[manicinsomniac]

It happens because that isn't the generally accepted view.

From what I can see threads on here get fairly evenly split between the '50% or everyone, don't leave out just a couple camp' and the 'why should my child put up with someone who makes them unhappy at their own party' camp.

[ThisNameIsBetterThanMyRealOne]

I have never done it or seen/heard it done in rl, only on mn.

It is a vile way to treat any child.

[Purplepoodle]

What manic said

[Chippedrippedandstinking]

Really? I thought you'd have to be a special rare sort of person to think it's ok - and for it to be worth the repercussions too - school gate whisperings etc

[AuntyMag10]

I think that there is always a reason someone would choose to exclude a child, I don't believe that people do it just because.

[MamaLazarou]

Depends on the child. There is one really spiteful bully in DSs class who I would refuse to have in my house for fear of him hurting the others.

[Goshthatsspicy]

There are masses of mums at my children school, that do it.
Excuse is: "Oh l let (little Mary) choose."
Same mum was asked to cut up some grapes by a little girl (at the party) you could tell she had been told she could ask the host.
Party mum:" you've got teeth haven't you?"
So, l imagine, like many things in life. That some people are too selfish, too ignorant - and will do what they want to.

[Chippedrippedandstinking]

Auntymag10 it's the reason thatim questioning

[ollieplimsoles]

I'm going to put myself out there and admit on a thread not long ago by a lady asking if it was to leave out the boy bullying her son from her son's birthday party- I said she would not be unreasonable to do so.

This lad was making her little boy's life a misery though. I think if you are going to leave kids you should probably be prepared to come up with a good reason why when you are confronted by a parent.

[AuntyMag10]

If a child bullied my child then I don't care if they are 1 out of 500 excluded, I would not invite them. I'm saying to get to that point of excluding the child there has to be a good reason.

[Samcro]

leaving a bully out is ok of course, why would you invite said child your childs party.

[GraysAnalogy]

Why should kids have to have someone who's bullied them or not been very nice to them, just for the sake of the other kids feelings

And if someone took me aside to discuss why their precious child didn't get an invite I'd be telling them why.

[eminthebigsmoke]

I haven't done it - but I will admit to failing to challenge a friend when our kids had a shared party. Nursery has 80 kids and limit was 30 so it wasn't the case that everyone came except a handful. We mostly invited kids who had moved up to the top room at the same time, and asked the kids who they wanted to come. (I think it would have been simpler if there was a 'year' group like there is at school)

The shared party was for children A (mine) and B. I get on with parents C and D and have had coffee with D a few times. Parents C and D had a falling out. Child C and B are great friends, so child D wasn't invited.

Don't want to drip so should add that child A is indifferent to child C, but child B actively dislikes child D. Otherwise I would have argued that it should be about who the kids want and the parent politics shouldn't be a consideration.

I guess this is how it can happen in some cases. Excluding just a few is terrible though.

With hindsight I realised that parent D wouldn't have known that child D wasn't the only one not invited and may have been offended. There has since been a smoothing over (between me and D).

[Chippedrippedandstinking]

Ollieplimsoles was that the thread wgere the child was 4/5? How can they be a bully at that age????

[tomatodizzymum]

When my son left his primary I excluded a child that spent two years bullying my son and making his life a living hell, to the point that he wanted to move schools. By the time he left the school, they had finally sorted it and my son was fully recovered but he didn't want that particular child to share his leaving party. The parent was always under the impression that our sons were friends as I wasn't allowed to talk directly to the parents about their son's bullying (schools request and they said they would deal with it despite several requests from me that they arrange a meeting between me and the other mother), so I constantly had to turn down invitations and my son was confussed as to why the childs mother kept inviting him to her house when the child would punch, kick, call him names and spit on him. I had reached my limit with the brat and wasn't going to go out of my way to ensure that the little fecker wasn't hurt or upset about not being invited to my sons leaving party. If you treat others badly then they will not open their arms and welcome you, a ten year old can grasp this life lesson. The parent probably thought I was a bitch but oh well.

[DoJo]

I agree that it's not generally accepted that it's twattish behaviour - there is an argument that says a bully being excluded from an otherwise whole-class party is perfectly reasonable, and were I ever to find myself in that situation I think I would find it hard to disagree. Some people argue that the solution is to exclude half of the rest of the class as well by just making it a smaller party so that the bullying child doesn't realise, but this depends on the original class size IMO and may not be fair or practical either.

[GraysAnalogy]

How can they be a bully at that age????



I got bullied at that age.

[Littleorangecat]

We've always had very small kids parties ie; 8 class mates. There is 1 boy who is an absolute horror in my ds' class who my ds loathes after many violent incidents.
He has plagued my ds all the way through school, fighting, strangling, insulting me etc, you name it. I would never invite him to a party even if he was the only one, I think it would serve him right for his shitty behaviour. Seems harsh but and I know I'm childish but I would never invite him.

[MamaLazarou]

A child can very easily be a bully aged 5! The bully I mentioned in my earlier post is 5.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

No parent would invite their own child's known bully to their party, would they?

[Littleorangecat]

Mama the child I refer to has been a bully since 3 (now 10). Never changed his ways. Had behaviour management etc, never made 1 iota of difference. I'm getting mad thinking about the most recent incident yesterday grr....

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

I work in reception, I have seen bullying behaviour from some 5 year olds.

[AuntyMag10]

SanDiego you haven't read many of these threads then, where mm are falling over themselves insisting the bully must be included.

[HPsauciness]

I once came near to this by accident, when I could afford an activity party for 8 children, and my dd chose 8 (including herself) from her class, which only had 11 girls in it at the time. I did wonder if it was ok, but 8 was the minimum no for the activity and the absolutely maximum I could afford. No doubt MN would say I should have forked out for the extra 3 children. I don't know if they knew about it or were upset, they weren't children in the same friendship circles as my dd and so weren't inviting her to their parties either. Now there are more than 11 girls in the class, so not likely to reoccur.