AIBU to tell people 'house rules' before they come & stay?

[MirandaGoshawk]

I want them to enjoy their stay and I want to enjoy having them, but am a bit anal about some things - three spring to mind that have been a problem in the past:

1. The (newish) carpet in the bedroom - I can't bear outdoor shoes in there. Wet mud was dragged through
   
2. Putting the loo seat down. We can see through to the downstairs loo when eating in the kitchen and it drives me nuts if the seat is up. My lot are trained but visitors do it.
   
3. Putting mugs down on the polished dining table when there are coasters available which has also happened in the past.
   
   So WIBU to tell them by email or phone before they come? Or should I wait until they get here? Make it a House Rules thing or just an off-hand request to the adults? Or not say anything and just seethe?
   
   I don't want to get into the whys and wherefores of shoes off/on or loo seat up/down as they have been done to death on MN & they are a matter of preference, it's just whether or how I say anything.
   
   TIA

[ItsAllAboutEve]

Wait until they get there

[Cheesychop]

I wouldn't come if you sent me some house rules, it implies that I'm some idiot who doesn't know how to behave in someone's house!

[slippermaiden]

I'd ease up a bit! The carpet one is easy, just say no shoes in the house we all take them off at the door. Keep the loo door shut then no one will see it and put a table cloth on your table. If I got an email from you before I came I'd have a bit of a chuckle to myself but maybe worry if I was really welcome

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Was it these particular people who dragged mud through your new bedroom carpet last time? if so, a gentle "last time you stayed our bedroom carpet got quite muddy so are you ok to pack slippers for in there/take shoes off please?" is fine.

The rest is just bonkers.

[nottheOP]

To say anything is rude. I don't think you can.

The people who wore muddy shoes inside and put a hot mug down on a polished table were rude. They should use common sense.

[maybebabybee]

...YANBU with any of those requests but TBH if I got an email warning me in advance of those things I would think you were a bit bats.

[LittleBearPad]

You are actually joking about emailing them aren't you.

You can't do that - not if you want them to come.

Fine if you want to say about the shoes when they arrive. Close the door to the downstairs cloakroom when necessary (would anyway)

Move cups onto coasters without being passive aggressive. If they are on the table most people use them anyway.

[onthering]

Yes, wait till they get there. Could you unclench about the loo seat? The other are very reasonable requests but that does seem a little OTT. Or could you close the kitchen or loo door?

[60sname]

I wouldn't come if you sent me some house rules, it implies that I'm some idiot who doesn't know how to behave in someone's house!

^
this

[CatsCantTwerk]

I would decline the invite if I received an email stating house rules.

[CherryBonBon]

Emailing them??

Unclench for Christ's sake woman!

[maybebabybee]

oh wait, I think YABU with regards to the loo seat....they are guests in your house, does it really matter?!

[Calloh]

I would be really put-off if someone sent me a list of house rules.

[5Foot5]

Wait until they arrive and deal with it as and when it arises.

1. Ask them if they would mind leaving outdoor shoes in the hall (or wherever). Do you have spare slippers you can provide for guests?
   
   
2. Err - surely you have a toilet door? If you shut that then you can't see the loo when eating.
   
   
3. Pass out coasters as you give out drinks. Most people will get the message. If they forget just a reminder "Oh would you mind using the coaster"
   
   Sending a list before they even get here does would sound a bit weird and unwelcoming.

[DadfromUncle]

I wouldn't come - and although I am reasonably "house trained" (i.e. I wouldn't do the muddy shoes and no coasters stuff).

I'd hate to spend any time with someone who checks whether the bog seat is down whilst they are eating though - also seems a bit of an odd arrangement - I thought there were building regs about that sort of stuff.

Anyhow, not wishing you any ill, but that's my 2p. My ex MIL was like this - petty rules for everything - I stopped going because it was almost impossible not to infringe in some way.

[Bearbehind]

You can't seriously email people a list of requirements like this before they visit you- maybe mention it when they're there but that's pushing it.

If you sent that list to me, particularly the second one, I'd likely respond that it's grim you have to look at the toilet, seat up or down, while eating at the table.

[MNpostingbot]

Nothing on your list is unusual or beyond normal common courteousy.

I'd think you were crazy if you sent me them before I arrived.

Shoes should be obvious if you don't wear them and there is space to put them by the front door.
Loo seat, massive YABU. I agree it should be down, but if a weekend guest doesn't do it it's hardly the end of the world

The only thing I have vague sympathy for is the coasters and that's only because you say it's happened before.
That said, if there are, say 8 coasters on an 8 seater table it should be obvious and presumably someone in your family will be providing the drinks, just put it on the coaster when you give them the drink.

All due respect, but how do you deal with things that are genuine issues if you are thinking about pre warning someone about those trivialities

[Shakey1500]

Ye GADS you can't email them! (well you can but to be perfectly honest I'd be cancelling staying at yours and booking into a hotel)

[magicstar1]

Wait til they get there...but how can you see into your toilet while eating in the kitchen?

[YellowYoYoYam]

Don't tell them before they come. If it was something like, don't eat nuts around my allergic child, yes warning would be appropriate, but these are minor requests.

I think shoes off is common - a simple "We don't wear shoes on the carpet," should be enough.

Personally I would let the loo one go, just get up and shut the door if you can see into the loo.

"Oh, here's a coaster," does for the last one. Maybe you won't be about all the time and drinks will get laid down, I think you either deal with that or, and I mean this kindly, don't have house guests.

If you set out these rules and someone forgets, which they may well do however you tell them, it will be very awkward for them to feel like they have broken your rules.

[IssyStark]

Wait until they are there. anything else would be too much [TM]

Loo seat - don't mention, really it is such a little thing and no damage is incurred. They might pick up on family practice, they might not but mentioning something so small will probably ensure they aren't relaxed at all during their stay (and I say this as a strict loo seat putter-down - all of my family are likewise trained)

Bedroom carpet - absolutely fine to say no outside shoes if that's the room they will be using. If it isn't the room they'll be in, don't mention it.

Mugs and coasters - I'd be less inclined to mention this, instead I'd make sure there are coasters scattered around the table at all times rather than piled up neatly as the neat pile might not be noticed, and just offer one whenever they aren't using one.

[cuntycowfacemonkey]

Number 2 (no pun intended) is so ridiculous that I think you shouldn't even contemplate mentioning it at all.

Outdoor shoes in bedroom just say when they arrive "Oh would you like to pop your things upstairs in the spare room and if you don't mind we don't wear shoes upstairs"

and like 5foot5 said for drinks just say "here's your drink and a coaster to put it on"

If these sorts of things really make you seethe then maybe it's better not to have guests?

[BitOutOfPractice]

You wouldn't really email peeple beforehand would you OP?!

As for the loo - why don't you close the loo door so you can't see the toilet? Plus I assume you do know that Buildng Regs require you to have two doors between a loo and the cooking area don't you?

[wafflyversatile]

Who are they? How well do you know them? Do they know how you are?

I'm not sure if I'd rather have and email saying 'you know what I'm like these particular things drive me to distraction so I thought I'd mention them first' or if I'd prefer the awkwardness I feel if I'm there and do something, and get do you mind not doing that, do you mind doing it this way, sorry can you just make sure you... etc. which doesn't make me feel very comfortable.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Oh no, giving out house rules is really cringey. Especially the loo seat, how squirming oh embarrassing to say something about that.