To be angry at DH and not accept his apology

[Theonlylooninthevillage]

Tbh his apology was crap and I'm still upset hours later.

My dd who is 3 is going through a shouting, not listening, being a normal 3 yr old stage.

This morning she was on form saying no etc etc she opened the drawer that has all the arts and crafts saying she wanted to color. We were just getting ready to go to school so I say no.

She opened the drawer anyway and then my DH comes up behind her takes her hands off the drawer and shuts it, now usually I wouldnt say anything but he did it with too much force and she bounced back, bounced off his belly and then hit her face on the chest of drawers.

DH then says "well that was silly, next time don't strop and you won't get hurt". I saw the whole saga and it was because he took her arms off too hard she bounced and then bounced forward iyswim.

I was right next to her so grabbed her in for a cuddle and explained that it wasn't her fault she bounced and she had a little red mark on her face. Now considering she wears glasses full time I'm surprised she didn't have more of a mark or worse.

DH walks off and sits down and says she was stropping that's why she hit her face at this point I was upset he wasn't saying sorry to dd. he refused to say sorry to dd so I consoled her and said it was an accident and she's ok, she is ok.

Dd then comes over picks her up and says "sorry, ok" puts her down and then says "happy?". I explained I wasn't happy and I'm not happy it wAsnt dds fault and I said to not touch her with force like that again.

He went to work and we did a half hearted love you have a nice day but I'm still upset, I told my sister and she thinks iabu because dd is going through a stroppy phase and is being a madam at times, but I said that's no excuse to basically be mean to her and take his frustration on her being a 3 yr old out on her.

Sorry for the rant and essay. Wibu?

[MrsHathaway]

Is he thirteen years old?

With little children you always always always check they're ok first and only later have a conversation about how it could have been avoided.

If he'd said "oh I'm sorry, DD, I didn't mean to hurt you. I wanted to make sure the drawer was shut because Mummy said it definitely wasn't craft time" and then later "no, leave the drawer alone because you bashed your face last time, remember?" then the same message would have got through without the nastiness.

Basically he behaved like that because he felt guilty.

[sprackenzyboiled]

"Basically he behaved like that because he felt guilty."

Absolutely.

[ClaimedByMe]

He should have checked she was ok first and tell her he didn't mean to hurt her, I don't know how bad your 3 year olds 'no' phase is or how you are dealing with it day to day but the 3 year old now knows how to play you both off each other, you need to sit with your DH and both be on the page with dealing with this phase.

[BathtimeFunkster]

Oh come on!

Did he use his belly, Big Daddy style, to deliberately bounce her into the drawer?

Or was it an accident?

If you accidentally hurt your child, would you enjoy him rushing in to cuddle them and blame you for doing it on purpose?

If you think he generally uses his belly as a weapon, then make him leave.

If you understand it was an accident and that your involvement antagonised him, then get over yourself.

[Theonlylooninthevillage]

claimed I have had lots of chats with DH about this type of thing. We rarely argue but this is on of the topics we disagree on. The thing is DH is an excellent father but he feels I'm too soft when it comes to dc, I on the other hand thinks DH is too strict.

We balance each other out most of the time but I will not sit by and let him do something like this and talk about it after, dd knew it was his fault, I knew it was his fault and DH knew he was being an arse.

DH tends to act then think later "oh maybe I was too hard" and this morning was no acception. Tonight he will come home all cuddles and kisses which is fab but I just wishe he would think before he does stuff like this.

[samG76]

He was in the wrong but once he has apologised properly it's is U not to accept it. Whether he has apologised properly is something only you can know, of course. I don't think it's worth falling out over.

[IsItEnough]

YANBU. Sounds like he woke up in twat mode today.

[Theonlylooninthevillage]

Exception :/

[nikki1978]

You are being silly. Fine he didn't handle it perfectly but I have said similar to kids when a bit ratty or whatever. You are overreacting IMO.

[FarFromAnyRoad]

I'm afraid you really are being a bit silly OP. Worse will happen in life and believe me - she won't remember this in a few days! Obviously he didn't handle it well - I'm sure he didn't intend for it to end badly though. If you make it to the other side of parenthood being the paragon of perfection that you expect from your husband I'll be very surprised indeed.

[HuckfromScandal]

Get over yourself OP
You need to realise that worse happens, your perfection must be difficult to live with!!

[kittycatz]

I can absolutely understand why you aren't happy about it. It sounds like he was a bit too forceful and he needs to be more careful. He then felt guilty about it and didn't know how to react properly.
However, any discussion between you two about whether it was acceptable or not needs to take place away from the child and not in front of her. Mummy cuddling her and telling big, bad Daddy off. The child then sees that she can get between her parents and get away with things. It will then be more difficult to deal with strops if she gets the idea that her two parents have different ideas of discipline.
Talk about it calmly this evening- He didn't mean to hurt his child.

[BathtimeFunkster]

dd knew it was his fault, I knew it was his fault

I think the person who needs to take a look at their parenting here is you.

It wasn't his fault that she banged her face. It was an accident.

If she "knew" that it was his fault, then you are teaching her some very damaging lessons and hurting her relationship with her own father.

Why would you teach your 3 year old that her Daddy wants to hurt her?

[MaxPepsi]

6 of 1, half a dozen of the other.

But going on what you've put alone, yabu.

You have effectively undermined daddy in your DD's eyes.

[RandomFriend]

Does he often do things "too hard" to your DD? Is he often "mean to her", and does he often "take his frustration ... out on her"?

If so, YANBU and you need to nip this in the bud.

[Theonlylooninthevillage]

bathtime if he didn't want to hurt her then he shouldn't of used too much force imo.

I accept I should of handled it better buts it's had when I saw what I saw.

I also should mention dd has facial palsy so I'm very wary of her hurting her face.

[Theonlylooninthevillage]

random no usually not, he did used to shout too close to their face when telling them off but we had a chat and he usually doesn't do it now, when he does we have a "chat" usually away from DH but today it was just not acceptable to me.

[Teaguzzler]

I'm afraid I think you have really overreacted here. It was an accident and your dd would have forgotten about it in a couple of hours. Of course he should have apologised and he did. Your behaviour is what has turned this into a big incident. I understand you being annoyed but such obvious siding with your daughter against your dh is potentially damaging to their relationship and to your ability to parent effectively together.

[sprackenzyboiled]

I'm actually with bathtime on this one.

"and the planets were in conjunction, and the moon was red, and thus was bornth the seventh daughter of a seventh son..."

[AuntyMag10]

You really are bu. A stroppy phase can be really testing and I doubt your dh did this intentionally. Your dd will not be scarred for life by this. I think you are overreacting too.

[RepeatAdNauseum]

You seem to think that your husband intentionally hurt your child. Your responses suggest that you don't believe it could be an accident. That would also match your refusal to accept his apology.

If you really think he would deliberately hurt your child, and you have good reason to believe that, you need to speak to him and see where to go from here. That's a serious accusation.

If it was an accident, you need to accept that it was an accident and he didn't mean to hurt your child. You need to stop teaching your DD that her Dad wants to hurt her. You need to stop overreacting, and instead take him at face value.

It's one or the other. You can't say it was an accident but you won't forgive him, that's ridiculous and not at all constructive.

[AuntyMag10]

And I agree with pp who have said that you undermined your dh.

[saoirse31]

sounds like a fairly minor incident / accident. The whole 'dd knows it's his fault' is pathetic parenting on your part. She's three and he moved her to stop her doing what she was told not to. Now you've turned it into telling her that he was wrong to do it- bizarre.

[firesidechat]

I'm not sure that having one parent who is too soft and another who is too strict (in your opinion) cancels each other out and leads to balanced discipline. It might be ok for now, but it's much more likely that children will learn to play one off against the other and marital harmony will suffer. Much like the incident you describe.

It does sound like this was largely an accident. I would be furious if my husband swept in to comfort my children in these circumstances. As a principle it may be better to discuss any differences of opinion away from the child and after the event, when emotions aren't so high. Parents need to be seen as a united front as much as possible. Children aren't stupid and they will see that their parents can be divided and conquered.

[IrianofWay]

You don't need to accept his apology as it was to DD not you.

It was an accident and he probably felt guilty anyway. This was compounded by you treating him like an ogre and comforting your child about something he had done to her. Imagine being in his shoes.

I have been in your shoes - DH used to get very angry with the children at times - too angry IMO. But he would never deliberately hurt them. I know that when I leapt to their defence it made it worse - made him defensive and allowed them to see me as the soft touch and H as the baddie. Not constructive. Bad dynamic from both of us.