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My new boyfriend didn't stand up for me

(168 Posts)
TheWhiteFlag Mon 15-Jun-15 18:35:49

I'm going though a really tough time at the moment with a lot of serious personal problems, so maybe I'm overreacting and being over sensitive here.

Something minor happened today but it's left me feeling sad and disappointed.

My new boyfriend and I were on our way back from the cinema. We got on a crowded bus and I saw an Isle seat spare and directly in front if it was a teenage boy sitting in an Isle seat with the window seat spare. So I approached him and asked if he could move along so I could sit down (intending boyfriend to sit behind me). He said "no problem, I'll move" and got up and went and stood at the front of the bus. I was confused as I'd only asked him to move along, but proceeded to sit down and my boyfriend sat next to me.

All through the journey an old man who was sitting nearby stared at me. Then later on he got up and as he was leaving he leaned over my boyfriend and pointed his finger in my face and said "I wouldn't have moved for you. No way would I have moved for you." And walked off the bus. Two women sitting behind us started gasping in shock and told me not to take any notice. Boyfriend just sat there. He did nothing. I'm feeling vulnerable at the moment due to serious issues in my life and he did nothing.

This is not a case of me wanting chivalry. It's a case of someone who professes to love me, standing up for me when he knows I'm currently very vulnerable.

AIBU to feel sad and disappointed, even worried that my boyfriend is not the kind of guy I thought he was.

Nolim Mon 15-Jun-15 18:38:02

I would have been to shocked to react tbh. Did he say anything afterwards?

MammaTJ Mon 15-Jun-15 18:38:28

Not sure why he didn't stick up for you but couldn't you have stuck up for yourself?

zozzij Mon 15-Jun-15 18:38:55

In an ideal world, what would you have liked him to do?

googoodolly Mon 15-Jun-15 18:39:32

I don't really see there that there was much to react to, tbh. Maybe he thought, that as an adult, you could cope on your own, or maybe he didn't want to cause a scene?

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo Mon 15-Jun-15 18:39:41

What did you want him to do?

WickedWax Mon 15-Jun-15 18:40:08

what would 'standing up for you' have consisted of exactly? what exactly did you want him to do? amd why didn't you do it yourself?

TheWhiteFlag Mon 15-Jun-15 18:40:32

The reason I couldn't stick up for myself is that I am literally going through a traumatic time at the moment and am deep in depression and anxiety. He knows this

cashewnutty Mon 15-Jun-15 18:40:47

Maybe he wasn't quite sure what he should do. Sometimes things are done and over so quickly that you just don't know how to react. Did he say anything afterwards?

TurnOverTheTv Mon 15-Jun-15 18:42:08

What did you want him to do? Chase after him? He said something and got straight off didn't he?

steff13 Mon 15-Jun-15 18:42:15

How long have you been dating?

Did you really ask the boy to move along? If someone asked me to move along, I'd think they meant they wanted me to get up and leave. If they wanted me to move over, I'd have expected them to ask me to move over. Did you say anything to him when he got up, like, "oh, no, I just meant for you to scoot over?" Maybe the man thought you were rude to ask the boy to get up and leave?

What would you have wanted your boyfriend to do?

lilivonshtupp Mon 15-Jun-15 18:42:29

Oh dear. You do sound low at the moment. I hope you are getting support.

Did you thank the teen boy who moved over for you? If you were a bit surprised and hadn't expected it, perhaps the old man thought you weren't particularly polite about it.

I'm trying to think whether I would have stepped in if someone had been rude like that old man to my OH. I think I would have let him handle it. I think you are putting too much onto a new BF to be perfectly honest. Perhaps he wasn't chivalrous, or perhaps he is the kind of person who thinks it's best not to stir up a hornets nest. Personally, I'd rather go out with someone who errs on the side of 'least said, soonest mended' than someone who leaps into an inflammatory situation.
Was he nice afterwards to you?

Why not give him a bit more time so you really get a feeling for what is character is like. How new is he to you?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Mon 15-Jun-15 18:42:44

Firstly let me say how well mannered that teenager was. He'd show some older folk how to behave hence your post.
That would piss me off as well op. For one someone pointing their sweaty fingers in my face. If someone did that to me I would be highly tempted to bite them off!. That'd teach people about poking and pointing.
Oh and as for your bf just sitting there yes that'd piss me off, too.
Of course you want him to have your back.

TurnOverTheTv Mon 15-Jun-15 18:42:50

And it was probably over too quickly to have any reaction

cashewnutty Mon 15-Jun-15 18:42:55

My DH is very much a pacifist and does not do things which might lead to an unpredictable outcome. He would have probably done the same. It wouldn't mean he doesn't love me, just that he wouldn't want to inflame the situation.

WeirdCatLady Mon 15-Jun-15 18:43:29

Sorry but I think you are overreacting. What did you want him to do? Smack the old man? Demand he apologise? Not sure he could have actually done much.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Mon 15-Jun-15 18:43:53

Maybe he was shocked into silence at the time, and only thought of all the things he should have said, when it was too late. I know that has happened to me on several occasions, and I have kicked myself later on, when the perfect response has sprung to mind.

cuntycowfacemonkey Mon 15-Jun-15 18:44:55

I think you may be over dramatising it all a bit. Realistically what did you want your boyfriend to do that you couldn't have done yourself?

Goshthatsspicy Mon 15-Jun-15 18:45:26

There isn't anything he could have done.
Did you expect a face off?

Men need to be very careful.
Too many nutters about. I'm sure if it was a much more serious situation, he'd have intervened with what he was comfortable with. Sorry to hear you are so low.

pinkyredrose Mon 15-Jun-15 18:46:40

He's a new boyfriend and he's already professing to love you? Not sure what you expected him to do really. You seem to be expecting a lot of support from a new relationship. Have you got mates or family members you can get support from?

TheWhiteFlag Mon 15-Jun-15 18:47:13

I'm glad some people don't think I am overreacting. It's hard to tell as I am so low at the moment. I just thought boyfriend could have told the man that he was inappropriate, that he was wrong, anything like that really. Just a token of support.

Should I ask him why he didn't? He's a gentleman in other ways.

TheWhiteFlag Mon 15-Jun-15 18:47:58

Pinky, we've been dating 6 months if that means anything.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain Mon 15-Jun-15 18:48:08

Perhaps he thought that responding would risk escalating the situation in an unpredictable way. Or did you want him to punch the old man? That would have helped...hmm

bloodyteenagers Mon 15-Jun-15 18:48:10

How could he have stood up for you?
Ok he says something to the bloke, the guy raises his voice.. Where does it stop. The two of them throwing punches?

Sometimes it's better to simply say nothing.

Pagwatch Mon 15-Jun-15 18:48:30

Did you want your boyfriend to get into it with an old man?

I think you are just a bit embarrassed and wishing it hadn't happened, so you are kind of being angry at your boyfriend rather than the man who is long gone.

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