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to ask if your dp gave you a gift after the birth of your child

(169 Posts)
seventeensecondslater Fri 21-Mar-14 09:59:37

Ok, it's been a rough year. Dp lost a parent. I had 4 failed cycles of fertility treatment and then - amazingly, a 5th that worked and we have a ds who is a few weeks old.

The thing is, we - dp and I - seem to be having the same conversation over and over again - that is - I talk, he says sorry, and then nothing happens. As I was going through each treatment, and when the first 4 failed, I kept telling him that I was feeling almost bereaved, really emotionally vulnerable and that I needed his support and for him to make me feel loved - keep telling me and make sure i have lots of little treats etc so that I know he's thinking of me. Well, nothing happened. He effectively, buried his head in the sand. Then, in the last few months of pregnancy, I was hormonal, exhausted and emotionally up and down and I really needed his support and guess what?

So, we had quite a traumatic labour - really fast and painful dilation and the pushing bit was so fast that ds was out in less than 15 mins, not breathing and we were all totally shell shocked. The thing is - am I feeling a bit entitled here? - I was hoping he'd at least get me a bunch of flowers after... ...he did a week and a half later (from tesco!) but he said he was waiting to see if someone else sent us some first - how lame is that? And he bought our other birth partner a lovely, expensive bunch of flowers the day after he got me some from tesco.

When I had a go at him, he said, sorry - again! - and later on that week, he bought me a small cake from our local bakery. Later on that day, he said he made a mistake and he should have taken one from the shelf below because they were half price!!! And later on that week, we went shopping and he bought me 2 books - I was really touched. And then he said 'it's ok, they were only a pound each!'

I know I sound really hung up on material things here - but it's really not about the money - it's about the fact that I feel really devalued at the moment and I need to feel that I am worth more than a half price cake or a cheap book. Is it unreasonable to want to be able to point to something and say - yes, dp bought that for me on the birth of our child to show me how much he loves me???

Losthearts Fri 21-Mar-14 10:02:11

You have a beautiful baby boy, why not focus on him?

Cocolepew Fri 21-Mar-14 10:02:54

I got flowers , nothing special. But I wasnt expecting anything.
I think you are being unfair to your DH tbh .
Congratulations on your baby flowers

pinkdelight Fri 21-Mar-14 10:06:41

Never crossed my mind to want anything from DH. We'd just had a baby. Enough other people sent flowers, but I saw them as being for all three of us (me, DH and DS), not for me. It's strange to me not to see yourselves as a team and to want something to point at to prove that he loves you. He loves you, you've made a beautiful baby together. Congratulations!

Mckayz Fri 21-Mar-14 10:06:46

I got nothing except a wonderful child. I think you are being a bit hard on your DH.

lucycoco Fri 21-Mar-14 10:07:37

I think maybe there's confusion between the two of you. From what you've said in the OP, he might be thinking you're constantly asking to be bought gifts, whereas I think what you're after is emotional support, but you're expecting this to manifest itself as gifts bought for you.

Maybe stop talking about gifts for a moment and concentrate on making sure he understands you want emotional support. Forget gifts, who cares about gifts, you have a little boy!

TheBody Fri 21-Mar-14 10:08:05

oh op really why focus on the negative behaviour of your dh. you have a lovely baby.

I think the absolute shock of labour and giving birth to women is under reported. like you when I had dc1 it was completely traumatic and we were lucky he survived.

giving birth is shocking sometimes and if course you want it
acknowledged. personally I
would settle for the cake. dh brought me a blow up cushion from boots as he told everyone, ' she's had her tail shot off and can't sit down'!! thanks love.

wait until you are all stronger and get him to a jewellery shop. grin

lucycoco Fri 21-Mar-14 10:09:14

And that's assuming that he's getting plenty of support from you, as well? As well as the failed treatments, he's also lost a parent, so will have had his own very tough year.

ImaLooney Fri 21-Mar-14 10:09:27

I got nothing and to be fair I really didn't even think of that, I was just thrown into deep end with a new baby!! My DP was just supportive in sense he cooked and did basic tidying and kept encouraging me and was there when I needed to cry or vent as it is so hard in early days. I understand you have been through a lot but maybe he is overwhelmed too, it's so easy to forget how DP feels but it definately does affect them too. Also something that someone told me has always stayed in my mind and that is 'you can't give what you haven't got' maybe he just isn't that type of gift giving person, does he have any other things he does for you? Even if small things?

MrsEricBana Fri 21-Mar-14 10:11:53

No nothing. I would have been thrilled if he had run into the maternity ward beaming, clutching a teddy or a bunch of flowers, but he didn't and I felt it would have been a bit brattish of me to say anything. I think token/symbolic gifts don't mean anything to a lot of men so they don't think to give them.
Congratulations on your lovely baby.

bluebeanie Fri 21-Mar-14 10:12:38

What Lucy says

Shallishanti Fri 21-Mar-14 10:12:53

YANBU to expect love and support from your partner.

I don't recall ever getting presents from mine when DCs were born, and cards came to both of us from others, presents to the baby. I think this present for the mother thing is new and I think it's a bit odd, as if you have done your dp a favour by presenting him with a child. No. The two of you have created a new person and are entering a new life together.

You are likely to feel a bit wobbly having a new baby, especially after such traumas conceiving, so be kind to yourself. But I think the big thing here is that your DP is bereaved.

To lose a parent is a massive thing and it's often said that it takes at least a year to fully grieve. To then become a parent during that process is likely to raise all sorts of extra issues and sadly that might make you overlook the needs of people you love here and now. Maybe he can't give you the support you need, maybe you and he need to look elsewhere for support in the short term. In the meantime cherish this special time with your new baby even though it's exhausting.

KiwiBanana Fri 21-Mar-14 10:13:49

Another one who happily received nothing here. The only thing I would have appreciated off DP was a bit of TLC and maybe an hour to myself to have a sleep!

I think you are being hard on him here, he's presumably gone through the same things as you and lost a parent. A gift wouldn't really fix anything or make me feel better whereas time and attention would.

HuglessDouglas Fri 21-Mar-14 10:14:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Fri 21-Mar-14 10:14:45

Nothing here, and I don't get the old push present phenomena, he's probably a bit preoccupied being a new dad too, did you get him a present?

NancyJones Fri 21-Mar-14 10:15:08

Hmm, I don't know, I think he sounds a bit mean, almost like he's goading you. Why on earth would he tell you that he should have bought the half price cake instead? Sounds a bit weird to me.
It was lovely to get gifts from DH but it meant more to me that he was do supportive and showed me how much he appreciated me and what I'd been through and what I'd given him.

DomesticSlobbess Fri 21-Mar-14 10:17:20

I didn't get anything and it never crossed my mind to expect something. We went through a really shit time. Flowers and gifts were the last thing on my mind. I was just happy to have DP.

Scholes34 Fri 21-Mar-14 10:18:11

Surely you're in it together, OP. My three births weren't without their problems and traumas (as any are), but once the pain has stopped, for the majority of mums the downside of the birth is quickly forgotten. I'm convinced that the trauma for your partner of seeing you in that state can be longer lasting. Had you thought of buying anything for him?

pointythings Fri 21-Mar-14 10:18:22

I got flowers, but what mattered to me most was the way DH stepped up - making sure I got time to eat my evening meal, doing nappy changes and baths, walking the floor with DD when she was colicky, being a proper dad.

Mind you, what your DP is saying about the half price cakes and the cheap books is a bit off - are his social skills normally poor?

slug Fri 21-Mar-14 10:19:08

DH presented me with a gin an tonic when it became obvious we would have to spend a week in hospital. Does that count?

littlebluedog12 Fri 21-Mar-14 10:19:20

No, nothing! Oh wait, he did bring me a newspaper and a bar of chocolate when I had to stay in overnight grin

The books he bought- were they to your taste, an author or subject that you particularly like? If so, what does it matter how much they cost?

Focus on the good things that you have- a wonderful newborn baby and a DH who is at least trying to please you.

Passthecake30 Fri 21-Mar-14 10:19:20

Nothing here too, he's not good at gifts anyway. ..but he responded to all my demands for food/help etc without batting an eyelid which was worth way more than a bunch of flowers tbh

It sounds like it has been a tough year for your dh too, men internalise alot of their emotions, maybe u need to cut him slack.

LiberalLibertine Fri 21-Mar-14 10:19:59

So he's doingThe 'thought' but they're just not costing enough?

In answer to your question, no gift no, but when my dp cried and said thank you after the birth of our first,I was walking on air smile

He also stumbled in carrying one of each paper for the date the baby was born! bloody great pile, they're in the loft

landrover Fri 21-Mar-14 10:20:33

Nope never got a thing from hubby except a beautiful baby!!!! Know what I'm happy with. I think that you need to settle down and relax a bit, enjoy baby and enjoy husband too. Don't forget its just as much a change for him as it is you. Good luck x

SaucyJack Fri 21-Mar-14 10:20:36

I haven't had a present yet....... but he did let me have both of the little pots of Marmite we got given with our post-birth tea and toast. You'd have to know him to understand the depths of sacrifice on that one I s'pose.

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