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To get pissed off with folk who say they can't afford to get married?

(245 Posts)
MmmmWhiteWine Wed 11-Sep-13 23:37:14

I have a friend who has been with her fiancé for ~10 years. They have 2 children together and seem v happy together. But she is always going on about how she wishes they could get married but they just can't afford it. However her idea of a wedding seems to be a massive, formal do, stag and hen abroad etc, etc.....just a massive expense really.

AIBU (and really old fashioned) to think that weddings don't need to cost a king's ransom and that they shouldn't be using finances as the excuse why they "can't" get married?

TheYamiOfYawn Fri 13-Sep-13 22:38:06

I would be quite happy to marry DP in a registry office with 2 witnesses. However, his family would be very hurt if we got married without them. And my family would be hurt if his family were invited and they weren't. And my family mostly live abroad and don't get on with each other. So getting married without causing lots of other people to be sad would involve inviting lots of family members plus enough other guests to dilute my relatives a bit, and by that point it would be a fairly elaborate affair and we would rather spend the money on something else.

I am considering just biting the bullet and suggesting to DP that we get married anyway with a shortish notice open invitation to a celebratory lunch afterwards to any family members who can be bothered coming as I do worry about him dying/being very seriously ill.

TheYamiOfYawn Fri 13-Sep-13 22:39:35

We've been quite happily not married for almost 18 years, but I am starting to feel a bit more vulnerable and mortal these days.

QueenStromba Sat 14-Sep-13 01:00:10

I know Madame. I'm very glad that we've both got tiny families and that my future MIL is awesome. Last Christmas I mentioned that we had discussed getting married and she suggested that we should just go to the registry office. No mother of the groomzilla here.

kmc1111 Sat 14-Sep-13 02:48:14

Just FYI, not everyone is better off getting married. Legally, financially, I'd be better off being unmarried, and so would DH. Marriage has actually diminished the protection we both get from other legal documents.

My life insurance and so on would have all gone to my partner (or whoever I had named as the beneficiaries) anyway, my will has money and assets gong to numerous people, not just DH (as does his), but now that I'm married I have to trust DH will go with my wishes, which I do, but I resent that I have to. We have separate finances, this is what we both very much want and what is best for both of us, but marriage has meant that when the bank makes decisions about our credit, any loans we may take out and so on, the other's financial position is factored in. Due to past experiences both our wishes regarding medical care are complex, marriage actually made things much more difficult in this regard. Before our wishes would have been paramount, now I have a legal basis to over-rule DH's wishes and vice versa. Again, we trust each other, but we'd much prefer neither was in that position. Neither of us would be eligible for any benefits if the other died, and we wouldn't need or accept any kind of spousal support if the other left. It makes no difference to our DC's rights and protections, all that was already more than covered before we were married.

We married because I travel for work, in the past for very long stretches, and marriage made visa's and all that easier. We did it for the short term convenience, without really thinking through the long-term effects, and we've talked about divorcing in order to gain back our old rights. If we can do it quietly we probably will within the next few years.

raisah Sat 14-Sep-13 02:53:36

Yes I don't umderstand it either, a colleague of mine said something similar. She can't affors to get married for another 10 years or so because they spent 10k on the engagement do. Who in tjeir right mind spends that much on an engagement? They could havr got married for that amount, they spent 3k on an engagement ring! Why?! Even Kate Middleton got a second hand engagement ring ffs!
Say if they split before they get married? What a waste of 10k.

Screwfox Sat 14-Sep-13 06:15:04

It's a "register" office.
Just to be precise. Not registry.

Loopytiles Sat 14-Sep-13 07:25:29

theyami you don't have to have a bigger wedding than you want to avoid upsetting the extended families, just do it! Or get married and don't tell them!

Hope you've got all the legal protections in place.

Sparklingbrook Sat 14-Sep-13 08:08:07

I don't get the not being able to do whatever the hell you like because the family would be offended/hurt. Tough luck. They will get over it.

gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn Sat 14-Sep-13 08:21:17

I think YABU... I've been with DP for almost 10yrs, have one dd(2) and have been engaged since I was pregnant. I would very much like o get married but I only intend to do it once and so would rather wait until we can afford to do it properly. We also need to buy a house and IMO that comes first. For those who say we should do it to give DD more security- can you explain? Legally for her I can't see any difference.

QueenStromba Sat 14-Sep-13 09:28:58

There's a whole load of financial reasons to get married gin. If your DP dropped dead tomorrow you would probably have no claim on his pension, if he left you anything in his will then it would be subject to inheritance tax, if he doesn't have a will then anything of his will go to his family rather than you.

If he was your DH rather than DP and dropped dead tomorrow then you would pay no inheritance tax on his assets which would go to you as default, you would receive a portion of his pension, you may get a death in service benefit from his employer, you'll get bereavement benefit.

If he got hit by a bus tomorrow and was on life support then you have no right to make medical decisions for him. In fact, if his family decide that they don't want you there then they can stop you even visiting him. They could turn up at your house and take all of his personal possessions once he dies. They could arrange the funeral and not even tell you when and where it is. This all sounds extreme but it's something that actually happens. People act strangely when someone close to them dies.

gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn Sat 14-Sep-13 09:36:55

Thanks queen, I do understand the implications for me (although dp has no assets and no pension or life insurance currently so not a real concern). It was more the statement that it was important for children that I don't really understand...

Sparklingbrook Sat 14-Sep-13 09:38:31

Security gin. Have you wills made up?

gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn Sat 14-Sep-13 09:42:04

What kind of security though?

QueenStromba Sat 14-Sep-13 09:44:09

The being able to claim a portion of his pension applies to state pension too.

QueenStromba Sat 14-Sep-13 09:56:14

If you don't marry then it is far more likely that you will be a single parent by the time she reaches her teens:

If you broke up now then all you'd be entitled to is the CSA calculated child maintenance. If you were married then as part of the divorce process you can argue that you need extra money for various reasons.

It would also be better for DD if there were court mandated visitation agreements because it's all too easy to let your personal feelings cloud you judgement about her seeing her DF after an acrimonious break up.

QueenStromba Sat 14-Sep-13 09:56:37

Forgot to click the links button.

gininteacupsandleavesonthelawn Sat 14-Sep-13 10:08:25

Ok, so not really anything legal other than we are statistically more likely to split up... I earn enough to support myself and DD so no financial concerns

sameoldIggi Sat 14-Sep-13 10:08:44

Screw fox, where I live it's the " Registrar's Office"

WorrySighWorrySigh Sat 14-Sep-13 10:13:44

Marriage creates a particular set of relationship rights & responsibilities. It isnt something to be taken lightly. One of the key things is that it is an exclusive relationship. The relationship between husband and wife supercedes others.

One of the key features of a marriage is that you can only be married to one person. You cannot change the fundamental terms without informing your spouse. This is why bigamy is such a serious offence.

The advantages of marriage other than financial tend to occur when the shit hits the fan. A marriage exists until it doesnt exist (IYSWIM). If one spouse is ill/injured/dies the other spouse will be in a far stronger position to be the first person to be informed or consulted as to the ill/injured/dead spouse's wishes.

It quite simply clarifies the situation.

kmc1111, perhaps the simple solution for you and your DH would be to divorce once the short term advantages of marriage are over. This would be something to take advice on and if done for practical reasons without dispute might well not be a huge expense.

Screwfox Sat 14-Sep-13 10:43:15

thats funny - someone else said that as well

anyhoo its NOT the registry


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