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AIBU?

For not wanting to go to his parents at Christmas because of stupid traditions they have

252 replies

LittleEmanuel · 02/12/2011 10:29

DP and I have been going through a rough time lately to the point where I honestly thought it was over and was assuming I'd be single by the new year. We've recently (in the past week) decided to try and work things out.

Problem is we have been invited around to his parents (again) on Christmas day. We get invited every year and I hate it but this year I was rather excited at the prospect of not having to go.

However because DP and I are on dodgy ground and we're supposed to be trying to please each other right now, I kind of feel obliged but I really don't want to go. They have the most stupid, odd traditions like the bum slap dance and acorn throwing and it's just bloody ridiculous. I don't mind a bit of fun but this shit always goes too far, ends up with someone going off in a mood and makes me want to tear my own eyes out.

AIBU to tell DP I really don't want to go or will it jeapordise our relationship?

OP posts:

Report

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 02/12/2011 10:32

Sounds to me like the ideal time to make fresh starts in lots of areas, and ditching the weird Christmas is a good one to start with...

Seriously, I would imagine from an uninformed pov that the point of the exercise is to iron out crinkles in your relationship and this sounds like one.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 02/12/2011 10:32

Do you care either way? Do you want to placate/please him sufficiently to spend the day with his parents? Or are you past caring and would rather end up precipitating The Big Fight that might end your relationship rather than go to his parents?
Do you really WANT to stay with a man whose family are arses?

Grumpla · 02/12/2011 10:33

I'm afraid I need FAR more information about "The Bum Slap Dance" and "Acorn Throwing" before I can decide

kidsinamerica · 02/12/2011 10:34

we're supposed to be trying to please each other right now, I kind of feel obliged

You're trying to please each other? By doing it all his way? This is only going to please him right?

You need to talk - you need compromise.

YANBU to discuss this with him.

LittleEmanuel · 02/12/2011 10:37

The thing is his family have been the root of many arguments we've had in the past. The last time we all went out for a meal in a nice chinese place his nephew and mother ended up wrestling on the floor, lots of screaming, loud laughing etc, everyone was looking at us. I pulled a sickie just to leave the place and we ended up having a huge row about it when we got home. Everything just descends into anarchy with them yet it's always "me" being a snob/unreasonable etc and this is what is always causing the arguments. Part of our "lets try and work this out" talk involved me saying I'd be more tolerant of his family

OP posts:

MerylStrop · 02/12/2011 10:38

I can't think of anything worse than the Christmas you describe, except the Christmas you describe whilst trying to get my relationship back on track AND try not to let the cracks show.

Mixed metaphors a-go-go

Does DP want to go?

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 02/12/2011 10:40

Stick with plan A and be single by the new year

squeakytoy · 02/12/2011 10:40

Ah, they are the sort of family that everyone else in the place has to suffer... loud, embarassing, and irritating.

YANBU.

MerylStrop · 02/12/2011 10:41

Ok,last sentence of your last post
You've answered your own question
Grin and bear it

Trills · 02/12/2011 10:42

Does he think it is fun and want to go and join in with all this?

YANBU to not like it.

YABU (perhaps) to be in a relationship with someone who has such different ideas of "fun" and "acceptable public behaviour" as you do

LittleEmanuel · 02/12/2011 10:43

Yes he really wants to go. Last year's christmas day involved a game of monopoly which descended into DP's 10 year old DN getting too excited, tipping the board over and then everyone dived in and started chucking the pieces at each other. Remember how heavy those little metal monopoly pieces are? Someone got hurt (a piece hit the huge labrador dog in the eye, it bolted and knocked one of the younger kids flying, she hit her head up the table and then an argument started over how the dog was a menace and should be kept outside on christmas day. Personally I thought me and the dog were on the same wavelength, we'd both rather be locked out in the garden).

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Ragwort · 02/12/2011 10:43

By compromising you are accepting that this will be the way you and DP celebrate Christmas/birthdays etc etc for the rest of your life.

Is this really how you want to live?

TheRhubarb · 02/12/2011 10:44

You married him, not his family. Why do you go to his family every Christmas? What about yours?

This is about you and him, not his family. You can accept that his family are the way they are but you don't have to go along with it. That is unreasonable.

I would say to him that your marriage is already under strain and to spend another Christmas with his family would put it under even further strain. You can go, but you may have to leave early, the atmosphere would be tense and it would lead to rows - simply because you are not that kind of person and never will be - or you can miss out this Christmas, which leaves him to enjoy it without worrying about you and you also get to breathe a sigh of relief.

Thing is, if you are not part of the family and not really that kind of person, then it's unreasonable of them to expect you to join in. If he insists that you do, then I'd tell him to fuck off. Seriously.

Yes you can tolerate his family and perhaps make a compromise which involves spending Christmas every other year with his family. I think you could be a lot more tolerant of them if you knew that next year you didn't have to put up with this. As for the meal, well they sound like an embarrassing bunch but yes, you probably just have to grin and bear it at times like that. So long as they aren't demanding that you join in the wrestling! Make it very clear that you simply don't want to join in their stupid traditions because after all, acceptance works both ways and they'll jolly well have to accept you for who you are too.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 02/12/2011 10:46

His nephew and mother were wrestling on the floor of a restaurant? . A group of grown adults thought it was a giggle to chuck monopoly pieces at each other to the extent that a child and a dog were hurt? Yet you are supposed to be the one making the effort to be more tolerant of them? Sod that for a laugh.

coraltoes · 02/12/2011 10:47

I hate monopoly....much prefer his family's approach!!

Now what the hell is acorn throwing and the bum slap dance?

ViviPrudolf · 02/12/2011 10:47

YABU.

The The Bum Slap Dance and Acorn Throwing sound like an almighty wheeze and infinitely preferable to the annual traditions at my PiLs, these being (among others) "Take it in turns around the table to solemnly pop one's party popper", or "Wait 2 hours between each ritual opening of the quality street tin for one's opportunity to select one chocolate before passing the tin onto the next person" or my personal fave "Guess how long until MiL gets in an almighty unwarranted strop over something as trivial as sharing round the left over French stick with the cheeseboard instead of the intended crackers she supplied". Shit going too far would be a welcome diversion, frankly.

In all seriousness though, I utterly sympathise with the abject horror of xmas @ the PiLs. Under your circumstances I'd try and get into a calm discussion with DP about the best way to get your fragile relationship through Christmas together. He may well conclude himself that spending it at his parents would not be wise.

LittleEmanuel · 02/12/2011 10:51

They decorate their tree with acorns and then after lunch they pull them all off and chuck them at each other. Someone ALWAYS get's injured in this (last year it was me resulting in a 15 minute sulk in the mucky bathroom). That's acorn throwing.

The bum-slap-dance goes on ALL day and they all find it hilarious. Starts as soon as you go in when FIL slaps the arse of anyone entering (including the blokes). Then the kids run around slapping everyone's arse (even the dog resulting in yet another mad run around whilst it gets over excited and starts attacking people) and then later it's a case of a card game resulting in one person becoming the slapped and all the kids do this stupid bum slap dance thing on them. I always refuse to take part in this but it doesn't stop me getting slapped.

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 02/12/2011 10:52

You're making it up now...

LittleEmanuel · 02/12/2011 10:54

I wish I was making it up! honestly I have some of it on camera. Last year a 10 year old lad was wrapped up in cellotape with stuff stuck to him. I have a photo of it.

OP posts:

grovel · 02/12/2011 10:56

The bum slap dance presumably is a reference to the bum slap the midwife gave the baby Jesus on the first Christmas Day.

LittleEmanuel · 02/12/2011 10:57

pmsl @ grovel

I can see how it seems unbelievable. It took me a few years to believe what I was seeing.

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 02/12/2011 10:57

Do they drink?

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LittleEmanuel · 02/12/2011 10:58

Funnily enough they don't drink much Gwen, the only one that does is DP's brother but he doesn't get involved and stays up in his room for most of the day as he can't stand the mess and noise.

OP posts:

eatingdust · 02/12/2011 10:59

So, their Christmas traditions involve people being assaulted.

And your dh thinks that's reasonable?

Show him this thread! Do you have children? Is this how you want them to be brought up?

squeakytoy · 02/12/2011 10:59

It sounds like chaos... are they all obsessed with fighting and throwing things at each other..

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