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AIBU?

not to tell DH about some money? Feel awful.

164 replies

threedollars · 09/08/2011 22:38

Our finances are fucked. DH had his own business which was doing well. He built himself up quite quickly and we had an affluent life. Then it got into trouble. He didn't tell me for months, hiding it by borrowing. He dug himself deeper and deeper into a hole and in the end the business folded. We narrowly - very narrowly - escaped bankruptcy as H was using our personal money to keep company afloat. As it is we are set to struggle financially for a long time (H has arranged installment payments).

Our life has changed a lot. Have moved to a cheaper area (renting now), DCs have changed schools and miss their friends, I have to do most of the financial stuff as H's credit is fucked. I was a SAHM and have now gotten a job after a lot of searching - night work in a supermarket. I am fine with that BUT I was supposed to be beginning my PGCE this september. I've had to give up the place on the course as we couldn't make ends meet or afford the childcare while I was doing the course.

All this mess etc in H's name alone.

I was angry with H - we nearly broke up over it. But he worked hard, laid himself bare, and is still working hard. He feels shit about it, he is working every hour god sends, he is really trying. But it's a long road. H is also totally hung up on restarting his business or going into partnership doing the same thing. Like he thinks if he can do it again he'll do it all differently. He always says "I did it once I can do it again". I feel like screaming when he says that. The world is different now and there isn't the demand there once was by a long shot.

My grandad left me some money in his will. £10,000. Left to my maiden name (I have a bank account in that name still which I use for lots of stuff).

I want to keep it safe for the DCs. It could make a huge difference to them. I KNOW H will want to use it towards the installments or to start up a new businesses.

I want to not tell him about the money. From googling I THINK I can do this legally (not declare it I mean). But I don't know. Or my mum would keep it for the DCs and make a 'gift' to each of them of 5k when they got to 18 - she could say she'd saved it up and has offered to do that. She would put it in one of those bonds or something.

It comes down to not trusting H not to waste it. Which is shit I know. Also am I shitting on our partnership as husband and wife by keeping it secret?

OP posts:

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jasper · 09/08/2011 22:41

I'm not surprised you don't trust him not to waste it really

DogsBestFriend · 09/08/2011 22:42

No. He might be shitting on you and the family by bulldozering ahead with a business plan in these uncertain times though.

Assuming that you don't need the money for here and now, for food or bills, I'd say keep schtum and ask Mum to "gift" it to the children in and for years to come. By then much will have changed and your DH will, god willing, see the wisdom of your decision.

evenlessnarkypuffin · 09/08/2011 22:43

You could put in in trust for them.

HerRoyalNotness · 09/08/2011 22:43

I'd do the exact same thing in your shoes. Can you buy the NSI bonds in their names and have your mum hold the certificates?

redskyatnight · 09/08/2011 22:43

I think that I would tell DH. As much because you need to keep talking honestly about money atm as anything else. But I would definitely play the card that you are keeping it in a savings account in your name and DH cannot touch it.

nakedandangry · 09/08/2011 22:44

Well, my first thought is can you put it towards doing your PGCE? It's a practical use of the money that would benefit your family long term after all.

Have to say I would probably keep it separate from the debt mess, it'll just get lost in interset payment. I would probably keep it AND not say.

But I am a sly monkey like that.

Seabright · 09/08/2011 22:45

Legally speaking, you don't have to declare it for tax purposes. If you did divorce, you would have to declare it as an asset.

lilmissminx · 09/08/2011 22:45

I'm sorry you've had a hard time. I am a bit conncerned that you are unable to trust him but I do understand. Could you not put it in their CTF accounts or something similar to make it untouchable and just say it was left to them - or be straight with him and tell him you are putting safe for them.
If he wants to start again it is not at the risk of their future. If he cannot see the benefit in that, then that is his problem. I don't think you should be too dishonest with him.
You also have to think about tax credits, if you receive them as I'm not sure how an inheritance affects them?

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 09/08/2011 22:45

I'd be tempted to put it into trust accounts for the kids, that cannot be accessed by anyone but the kids until they reach a certain age. I would then present this to your husband as a done deal. I would not trust him with the money. I wouldn't trust myself with 10k to be fair.

foreverondiet · 09/08/2011 22:46

If you definitely want it for the kids I think you should get your mum to put in into the bonds. Presumably its a while until they are 18?

Not just because you don't trust him but because you might have loads of arguments over it otherwise.

Your mum can always say that grandad left money for the children but it wasn't to be touched until they were 18.

Smellslikecatpee · 09/08/2011 22:46

I think it is shit, it must be so horrible feeling like that about your H, but I can't say I blame you at all.
I don't know where you stand legally if the money is in your name, but if I were in your situation I would put £4000 in each of the DC account or an ISA.
I would hang on to £2000 as a buffer for the family.

But I would set this up and then tell your H, I don't think you can keep it a secret indefinitely

threedollars · 09/08/2011 22:47

We don't 'need' it day to day - we could really use a bit extra, but so could a lot of families and I think it would get frittered quite easy. Mentally I prefer keeping our tesco value lifestyle and removing the money from the equasion. It would be spread VERY thinly if we used it day-to-day if you see what I mean.

My concern is, if I keep it secret, that means I will be essentially lying every day for 5 years minimum. I will have to keep lying when my mum 'reveals' she has this money saved. I don't know how H would feel if I said 'surprise, I had this money back in 2011 but didn't trust you with it' - I am guessing it would fuck everything up and hopefully we're more stable at that point.

I am most worried it'll 'come out' somehow. I know lying is wrong. We stayed together by agreeing no more secrets and I would be a total hypocrite to keep it secret BUT the idea of telling H about it gives me the cold sweats.

OP posts:

MaureenMLove · 09/08/2011 22:47

Give it to your mum. Was it your Mums dad that died? Even easier if so. The money was left to your mum, with instructions to put it in bonds for the grandchildren. Not entirely untrue.....

nightowlmostly · 09/08/2011 22:47

What happened with the business? Was it just bad luck or did he mess up somehow?

It is a tricky one, and I sympathise with your dilemma. I know it will feel wrong to keep it a secret, and you have to think about how it will be between you both if he finds out before you tell him.

Maybe the money will be of more use to you now rather that later? If you think you can discuss how it will be best used then tell him, but put it in your personal account so you can keep control, it sounds bad considering you are married, but you have to make these decisions together, don't let him take it and do whatever he wants with it. Tbh, if you are paying a lot of interest at the moment, it might be sensible to pay off some of your debts with it.

Maybe put some in a saving account for you kids and use what's left to put into your debts. Hope this helps, good luck with your decision!

pictish · 09/08/2011 22:47

Yanbu. Keep schtum.

IAmTheCookieMonster · 09/08/2011 22:47

I wouldn't, I think that telling him about it but saying that he can't have any access to it would cause arguments. I would put it in trust and THEN tell him that your grandad left each of your kids 5k in trust.

partyhats · 09/08/2011 22:48

I can see where youa re coming from and In your situation I would not tell him about the money, if he knows about it in the back of his mind he will always think of it as money he can use if he needs to. I would put it away for the children.

IAmTheCookieMonster · 09/08/2011 22:48

or, could you use it for childcare so you can do your PGCE, which would lead on better wages for you in a years time. I think I would do that.

bringmesunshine2009 · 09/08/2011 22:51

YANBU. If I won euromillions I wouldn't tell DH.

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 22:51

I think you should invest it in your PGCE year. You could pay the fees and give yourself the same amount of money that you earn at night.

That is a FAR greater investment for your children. I don't believe in children having savings like that (and your grandad left it for YOU) when the whole family is struggling. Working nights in a supermarket and not doing your dream job is awfully hard for you and you could carry on for years and your children will be no better off.

If you invest in your PGCE year, you will, after one year, be earning about £20,000 and that will go up every year. How does your night job compare with that?

What the hell is the point in your children in the future having £5,000 when their family has been broke for years?

Oh and the money isn't for your husband, it's for you. He's had his chance - the business failed. If he builds it up again, fair enough, but now it's your chance.

TrillianAstra · 09/08/2011 22:51

YABU to be married to and stay married to someone who you would need to hide money from.

Or maybe you don't need to hide it from him, you are just avoiding discussing how it should be used because you think you know best. When his business was doing well and you were a SAHM did he make all the decisions about how money should be spent, because it was him who had brought it into the family? How is this different? Why can't it be discussed and decided on between you?

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 22:52

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ShoutyHamster · 09/08/2011 22:52

'It comes down to not trusting H...' - well yes, of course. Trust isn't just this sacrosanct thing within a marriage - it builds up over time, it has to be worked at and earned, and is easily lost. You may be managing and you may end up stronger, but the fact is that he totally squandered the trust you used to have in him. Not by failing, but by hiding the problems from you.

And it's not just about you and him and your relationship - you have children, and you owe it to them to protect them and their interests, while they are too young to do it for themselves, MORE than you owe it to your H to bolster him up.

He has no-one but himself to blame for you not trusting him - it'll presumably be a long time before you do anything but listen to the evidence of your own eyes where he is concerned. And what is that evidence? That already, the impact is lessening, he's bouncing back...'I could do it again' - I'm not surprised you feel like screaming. He doesn't have the right to do it again. He doesn't have the right to ask that you hand over money and trust him to act in the best interests of the family. If he does, then you still have major problems.

I would be securing the money for my DCs in a way which ensured that he could not touch it, THEN tell him. And I would expect, if he has learned a lesson at all, for his response to be 'I totally understand why you have done that, and I respect your decision.'

threedollars · 09/08/2011 22:54

I wish I wish I wish my grandad had left it directly to the DCs. Bless him though, nobody even knew he had 10k to leave (he left 10k to each of his GCs, there are 6 of us!)

I am leaning towards the 'left to mum and she's put 5k in trust for the each DC' or something but I am worried H will then put pressure on my mum!

He is almost obsessive about 'starting again'. He built the business up from nothing to a really lucrative one in a short period. He is so sure he could do it again, it is heartbreaking. And I don't feel I can list the hard truths (his professional reputation has gone, banks wouldn't lend, the world is so different now, he's 40+ not late 20s). It would break him, he is clinging to me and the DCs now.

His business folded because he couldn't/wouldn't accept it was going downhill. If he had been honest we could've shrunk the business or sorted out our outgoings. He didn't do anything dodgy but he was throwing good money after bad and I resent him for that though I am trying so hard not to.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 09/08/2011 22:56

He's not the only one in the marriage, is he?

What would his reaction be if you said that you wanted to spend it on your PGCE year?

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