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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

My son was adopted years ago, now his returned back to me.

200 replies

cazanna · 31/05/2008 14:21

Heres something worth thinking about...

Back in the 80s i had a young child, i loved him to bits, but, me and his father were always having fights,and i eventually, ended up with severe depression..to the stage, where i couldn't cope, i was very young and stupid then...

Years later, my son is now 20, has returned back to me, but he has told me that he started taking drugs at 10. My son was supposed to of been protected. I have a 17 year old who i have raised myself, and he doesn't smoke,drink, or take drugs..If people are going to Adopt, they need to think carefully, and think can they really cope, with raising someone else's child.
Also, its lovely when they are small, but be prepared for teenage hood.

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cazanna · 31/05/2008 14:25

Before you adopt, think about the area you live in..could this have an effect on your child. Also, set boundaries early, and feed information about drugs and how bad they are at an early age. I did this with my 17 year old. And it works..his so well balanced. His my best friend, not just my son.

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JeremyVile · 31/05/2008 14:27

I doubt anyone adopts without thinking carefully about it.
Howe old was your son when you gave him up for adoption?

Freckle · 31/05/2008 14:29

Even the best parents in the world can end up with children who take drugs, etc. Much as it would be nice that children only take on board what we try to teach them, there are too many other influences out there.

It seems naive to put your son's drug taking down to the fact that he was adopted. He might have taken them even if he'd been raised by you.

cazanna · 31/05/2008 14:30

He was 13 months old. And wasn't completely all my decision. Its a very painful past, i just wish, what i know now, i could of known then..

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JeremyVile · 31/05/2008 14:31

I wonder whether children who have gone through the adoption process are more susceptable to mental health/addiction problems etc in their lives?

JeremyVile · 31/05/2008 14:31

Well, it's nice that you have him back in your life.

cazanna · 31/05/2008 14:33

Freckle...

I disagree, he wouldn't of got anywhere near people that take drugs, certainly not at the age of 10.

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Freckle · 31/05/2008 14:36

How can you know that? There may be boys at my children's school that take drugs, but I wouldn't know about it. I just think that blaming his adoption for his drug taking is too simplistic.

JeremyVile · 31/05/2008 14:36

Cazanna - with the greatest of respect, you'll never know what may have been. It's happened. One long chain of events that set out his path for him.

mankymummy · 31/05/2008 14:41

Cazanna.. are you angry with the people that adopted your son?

Kewcumber · 31/05/2008 14:57

with respect what adoptive parents need to think about is not whether they can really cope with raising someone elses child. Most of us don't see our children as "someone else's" but our own. What we need to think about is whether we can cope with raising a child into their teenage years and beyond who may have behavioural problems, abandonment and attachment issues and identity issues (particularly as a teenager).

I'm not sure if anyone really knows whether they can cope with raising a teenager but in fact at least adopters have a degree of training in general parenting issues as well as specific adoption topics. In fact the majority of teenagers who go off the rails were not adopted, and I know of not one other adopted child (and I know very many) who has had exposure to drugs at such a young age.

He sounds like he was badly failed by his parents in some way to be able to get access to drugs at that age, if that story is indeed the truth. With so little information I can't tell whether he really did have drugs at so young an age or if he is exaggerating the issue to make you feel guilty. Only a thought.

Anyway - if you are concerned that this is somehow the norm in adoption I can assure you that it takes a great deal more thought and soul searching and time to have a child by adoption than the more usual way so in the UK at least people never nowadays enter into it lightly.

Kewcumber · 31/05/2008 14:59

JV - yes they are - up to 80% of childrne who were adopted have behavioral or learning difficulties (though many are temporary) and about 20% are permanent. I don't know of any statistics for drug/alcohol abuse though.

ByTheSea · 31/05/2008 15:04

As someone who is raising as you say 'someone else's children' as my own and dealing with their severe attachment problems which are a direct result of their troubled infancies, I feel like crying at this post.

edam · 31/05/2008 15:10

I'm glad your son has found you, Cazanna.

Kewcumber · 31/05/2008 15:10

please don't bythesea - its really best not to get involved in a discussion about when the damage is done because in fact0 for the vast majority of adoptive parents, we inherit significant problems caused by others. But we dont know in this particular case whether the OP have been better off keeping him and not placing him for adoption. We don't know if he was adopted straightaway or if he was in a succession of foster homes, if his adoptive parents really did give him access to drugs or if he got into them later and is trying to wind the OP up.

Really not worth pointing out some of the more obvious things we could all say. Really just no point.

HonoriaGlossop · 31/05/2008 15:53

I think it's always worth pointing out that in this situation ALL parties bear a responsibility and their share in whatever difficulties the child has; birth parents, foster parents, children's home, the young person themselves as they grow up. The care system is only ever a terribly poor substitute for family and that's just a hard fact we all know. I just think it's so sad for you to ONLY look at the system, cazanna. You bear a responsibility to the child you brought into the world too, and your actions have SOME, not all, but some significant bearing here. And I think there's a point to saying that, because it's the truth

stitch · 31/05/2008 15:56

cazanna, i a m glad you have had a happy ever after to your life.
but
when you gave up your child, he became someone elses. and i dont think it right that you say 'raising someone elses child' when adoption happens in this country, it is legally and morally complete. the child becomes theirs.

chipmonkey · 31/05/2008 16:28

My parents were excellent parents and FWIW we always lived in "nice" areas but still 2 of my siblings experimented with drugs.

ByTheSea · 31/05/2008 16:33

Thanks kewcumber and HG. You're right, we don't know the whole story.

Hopefully cazanna, you and your son can both be happy now.

ByTheSea · 31/05/2008 16:33

Thanks kewcumber and HG. You're right, we don't know the whole story.

Hopefully cazanna, you and your son can both be happy now.

cazanna · 31/05/2008 21:05

byTheSea

This was not my intention to upset you or anyone else. Its a fact, Adoptive parents are raising someone elses child, its a fact.

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cazanna · 31/05/2008 21:08

stitch.

Its not happy ever after, peoples pasts can live with them forever..

Thank you everyone for your comments, i wanted to post because, i needed some different opinions on this...

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NotABanana · 31/05/2008 21:09

I find this very sad.

cazanna, it sounds like you are blaming his parents for the fact he has taken drugs.

When someone adopts, they are bringing up their child.

vixma · 31/05/2008 21:12

I agree with Stitch.

vixma · 31/05/2008 21:18

You gave up your rights, and maybe not out of choice, but are you criticising them or yourself. He has come to you for what reason. His adoptive parents have filled in a role you were suppose to and this is not having a go, as life has it's reasons. Have social services let him down or his adotive parents? He has looked for you, why? and for what reason?

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