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2 adopted DCs and now im pregnant advice needed(64 Posts)
So a bit of background, we (myself and DH ) were told we couldn't have any DCs. So after much soul searching we decided to adopt and we have two lovely DCs aged 8 and 4 who have been with us for a year. They have settled well after a few bumps along the way and we are so happy.
But I found out that I was pregnant last week which was completely unexpected and a total surprise.
Now we have two problems the first is how to tell the DCs and how to move forward because this is probably going to set everything back again and they are just so happy and settled and I feel guilty for turning their world upside down.
The second is other peoples reactions. We have only told a couple of people who I thought understood our family but one friend said that we should be exited to have a child of our own now and another family member actually asked if we were going to give our other DCs back now. Another friend suggested that we would feel differently about our adopted DCs when we had a biological child
We explained to these people that our DCs were family and that we loved them as our own DCS but they didn't seem convinced or suggested that when the baby was born we would see their point. These people were some of the most understanding when we were adopting and now we are nervous and we don't really want to tell anyone else in case they start saying something worse.
So does anyone have any advice on how to deal with any of this please?
Hey, congratulations! you'll manage!
Nobody will expect you to hand back your adopted children! I think people will be happy for you. The age gaps are all nice and even.
Sorry, I've no advice, but it seems like good news to me!
Oh I've just seen that you only have your adopted children a year. Maybe they will need more reassurance. But you can do that.
another family member actually asked if we were going to give our other DCs back now. Another friend suggested that we would feel differently about our adopted DCs when we had a biological child
Awful, this is what your poor children may feel. Do not allow these people around your children in case they say these comments to them, how dare they! They are not toys you can just give back.
You need to just keep reassuring your dc that they are a part of your family and get them excited about the new baby! I am sure it will be shocking for them, but many parents adopt when they have biological children so it's not new.
Wow! that is shocking.
My cousin has two adopted and then two biological and it has all worked out well for them. They are a big family and bigger than they expected to be.
It will be upsetting if people ask you if you're going to give back your adopted children. Perhaps you could phrase it in such a way that prevents people from making asses of themselves.
Well, we never expected to be a family of four, and now we are going to be a family of five
Yes, I have a friend who had 7 rounds of ivf, and has one son. They are in the process of adopting as they couldn't go through all that ivf again. So a mixture isn't new.
ps, I have a different relationship with each of my children and it's not because of how they arrived.
So you might have a different relationship with all of your children but that's ok I think.
How many weeks are you? I don't think you need to say anything for a month. But don't let them be the last to know either. At 4 and 8, a month is like six months!
another family member actually asked if we were going to give our other DCs back now.
What the hell is wrong with people?
If they are happy and settled, then I think they might well deal with this better than you fear.
I would wait a while to tell them the news (but make sure it is you that tells them first, not someone else), but I would tell them the news as good news, exciting news, iyswim. If their reactions aren't positive, you can deal with them then, but I suspect there is more chance of them seeing it positively if you present it as a positive thing iyswim.
Maybe tell other people away from DCs so that if you get any more idiotic comments your DCs aren't there to hear them.
Congratulations! I can't believe people can be so rude!! As pp have suggested I would tell them that it is good news and that they will both be big brothers/ have a baby brother/ sister etc so that they know that the baby is by no means a replacement (which it isn't of course but all children can get the odd butthe of jealously over a new sibling!)
Thank you for your responses
I don't think we will tell anyone else until we tell the DCs anyway as we don't want them finding out from someone else.
I think we shall also be distancing ourselves from the people who responded in that way because we don't want them around our DCs.
Wow, that is a lot to think about. I can only imagine the welter of feelings you must be experiencing.
I think you are absolutely right to be concerned about how your existing children will manage this. This is big stuff. I don't have any experience to share (I had the more usual birth child followed by adopted child) but I would be getting professional advice on ways of managing this.
I'm so upset (but sadly not shocked) that people are already saying idiotic things to you. Undoubtedly stupid things will get said to your dc, I would think it almost inevitable. With the 8 year old, do you think it might be worth alerting them in advance, and talking together about how you will both handle any stupid comments?
Very best of luck to you. I really hope you manage to enjoy your pregnancy, despite your concerns, and that your children manage to enjoy this too.
Congratulations firstly! I completely agree that you should tell the DC yourselves and talk about coping strategies for insensitive comments and remarks.
We have a bio and an adopted child and honestly the mixture works for us. There are more and more families now who do have both, albeit more usually the other way round, as it were. I liked the suggested response up thread about becoming a family of four then five.
How are you feeling? Hope morning sickness not too bad
I agree it's stupid asking if you're going to give them back you and your dh obviously must have thought log and hard about adopting and I'm sure have grown to love them already after having them live with you for a year, so that's really insensitive for someone to say esp a family member. They're your kids!!! Not library books waiting to be returned or something.
The children might worry about going again that's true so just have to reassure and I'd suggest getting them involved and excited for this new baby, tell them they've got a new little brother or sister on the way as you would do if they were biological children. Let them in with discussions about what might be good names for a both or for a girl, even if don't pick any of them or like them, they'll still feel involved. See if they want to go baby shopping and help choose a cot and let them both goose a teddy each for the baby so they can give it to their baby brother or sister when they arrive, just little things that will make them feel included and that they are going to still be there when the new baby arrives!
I have no advice but I do know it's surprisingly common. We have friends who found out they were pregnant just as they flew out to pick up their adopted child. We have other friends who adopted 2 very young kids and then found out they were pregnant. It worked out well for both families but all adopted kids were under 3.
This happened to friends of ours. After 15 years of trying for a baby, they finally got pregnant through IVF with twin girls. Sadly, due to cervical incompetence, she gave birth 4 months early and they both died.
They then adopted a little girl from India, 'M' who is the apple of their eye. Then 2 years later they conceived another little girl 'L' entirely naturally.
It's interesting in that they seem to facilitate M's life a lot more than L's and are very pfb about their first (adopted) than they are about their second (bio). Which I guess is the same with 2 bio or 2 adopted DC, I guess.
I know a couple who have had the same. They adopted twin girls and 2 years later had a biological son. The girls adore their brother! They made sure to included them in the pregnancy, so it felt like they ALL were having a baby ikwim. Once he was born they made sure the girls still got one on one attention from them. Maybe also explicitly say that things will change but that they will always be your children and you are counting on them to be excellent big brothers/ sisters.
Don't listen to all those knobs and their stupid ideas about giving your DC back how awful and ignorant!!
Congratulations! It seems to work for the Jolie-Pitt family those kids look really happy together.
Congratulations on both your pregnancy and your adoptions!
I can just imagine the conflict you are feeling and crass comments from dimwits really doesn't help. I don't think most non-adopters really get just quite how protective we feel about our adopted children. They are so very vulnerable and have so lost much already and suffered enough change.
But having a new brother or sister is a very exciting thing and hopefully it will be so for your family too.
I do think you need to rehearse a few put downs the quell stupid remarks very firmly eg
"Did you actually mean to say that out lout in front of me about my children? "
"That has to be one of the most upsetting comments I've ever heard"
Make it very clear that you are upset and angry in a very calm way. And if it happens more than once then steer clear of that person.
Lloydgeorge I can't imagine that the Jolie-Pitts get many comments about sending their children back so their situation isn't really so relevant!
Can I just add for the benefit of anyone still reading that it really isn't "surpringly common" - it does happen occasionally but out of hundreds of adopters I have ever met who adopted after fertility issues only one got pregnant after adopting. And I would say that if you ask any adopters they would have similar stories. The "Oh you'll get pregnant now" after you've just adopted your adored and much waited for child is probably one of the most irritating things I ever got told.
It is a situation where the advice keep calm and carry on works
You have to put aside nonsense from people who think the 2 you already have are second class citizens or are going back. Just say "adoption is permanent" and don't consider those people any further.
Re 8yo and 4yo. You don't need to tell them yet. They've been with you 12m so you can give them another 25-40% of that time again before telling them. A few months is a long time in the life of a child. Then you can tell them they are getting a brother/sister (IMO prob good to find out at 20wks in your case just so you can give the bigger kids as clear an expectation as possible).
Congratulations what a wonderful surprise for your family. You have two much loved children and they are about to gain a sibling.
Something very similar happened to my aunty many years ago. She and my uncle adopted two siblings (B & G) then much to her surprise when she was peri-menopausal she found her pregnant. Now adults they are all still close.
Oh I agree with explicitly verbalising to your DC that they will always be your DC and will now be big sisters / brothers to a little baby. DD finds it really helpful if we actually say what we are thinking
petpuddle congratulations. We have a dd (10) who is bio and a ds (4) who is adopted.
I agree you need to handle it carefully and it may bring up some issues for your kids, but also agree it is great news for your family (and CONGRATULATIONS!).
I have not been in your shoes, but were I, I would:
-Get expert advice from Adoption UK, they may have something on this
-Think seriously about when you tell them, my own opinion is that sooner is better just in case someone else tells them or someone else notices a growing belly or your aversion to alcohol or sickness or whatever and asks outright! Is this likely to happen? If not, maybe do not worry. But if there is a chance others mums at the school gate will comment, then do tell them. I am just envisaging a scenario where you are asked outright and you are left to either deny it in front of the kids or admit it to them having not told them (I am overweight and the number of people who have asked if I am expecting is in double figures)
-Rehearse some things you can say and prepare the kids for any comments about this
It will hopefully be fabulous but it is best to go into it well prepared.
And for the doughnuts who think you will be returning your children in future I would be tempted to say to anyone who says this, who has more than one child, "Oh my goodness did you think about sending away your first child when you had another!!" But not in front of your children! In front of them I would say "How ridiculous are you joking with me. X and X are the light of my life and we are a fabulous family already." Then I would clutch my fabulous kids to my amble chest. Because I would want them to know how utterly ridiculous such a comment was!
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