I said it would happen, it happened, now what?

[Blahblahnobodylistens]

I wasn't really sure where to put this as it could cover a few areas but I'm need to ask for advice regarding 10 year old and school. This is quite lengthy as there is a bit of history which is important.

But of backstory...ds goes to a small school, each class is 2 years in one with approx 28 students per class. He is in year 5 and has had many issues with another student who is now in year 6. Last year was not an issue because they were in separate classes and all the restrictions meant they rarely crossed paths however, the year before was absolutely horrendous with tears most days due to behaviour from the other child. This behaviour included making up stories that ds had hit them and hurt them. ds was taken into the HM office on more than one occasion due to this but ds always maintained his innocence and became very upset each time. This came to an abrupt end when this child threw themselves on the floor screaming as they lined up in the playground at the start of the day, stating ds had punched her in the face. Thankfully several parents and another teacher saw what had happened and as ds was being marched to the HM office they came to his rescue and told them it was fabricated. They would also goad ds, whispering awful things to him about how he was ugly, fat (definitely not as he competes in a sport that he is regional champ in), everyone hates him etc etc and following him despite ds begging them to leave him alone and trying to walk away. That year I lost countless hours talking to his teachers, begging them to monitor the situation before he loses his shit and reacts in the way I guess she's hoping he will so he gets into serious trouble. Just to add, all of these things were always done away from the teachers, out of earshot and slyly. When this school year started, I requested a meeting with his new teacher so she was aware of the history, only because ds had huge anxiety about being back in a class with this child. She never replied, has ignored me via several channels of communication 😒

2 weeks ago this child started all old behaviours again and followed ds around the playground venting awful stuff. Ds did exactly what we have been instilling in him to do, ask her to leave him alone and go tell a teacher what is happening. He did this...and was told to stop telling tales. The 2 children ended up having a big row in the playground because they just would not leave him alone, they had a scuffle and ds got into trouble. I was so pissed off that ds had done everything we had been reinforcing him was the right thing to do yet was the one to get into trouble because he was effectively failed. I went in the next morning and had a very long chat with the TA (as the teacher wasn't available) and made it very clear that his treatment was actually very unfair when he was the one that was being goaded and was basically told to fuck off when he tried to put an end to it.

Anyway, onto yesterday...I get hauled into the classroom at the end of the day. Ds has kicked another student very hard. I was absolutely mortified and upset, I have never ever known ds to hurt anyone, but wanted to know if it was the student he's had all of the issues with..turns out it was. I asked how it had come to him losing his shit that badly and was told she wasn't sure. So I asked ds to explain and, sure enough, it was the usual story. The teacher had left the room, student makes a beeline for ds and starts mocking him because he was asking another student if she was OK as she looked upset (that's a whole other story) and apparently boys can't talk to girls as it makes them pathetic. Ds asked her to leave him alone and walked away at which point the student follows him around the class mocking him. He says that he begged the student to leave him alone and kept walking around the room to get away but they carried on and he lost his shit and kicked them.

Now I don't condone what my ds has done, far from it, but I'm pretty pissed off that it has gone this far when I have repeatedly spoken to the school warning them that there is only so much ds will take before he loses his temper unless they act on our conversations and stop the other students behaviour. And now they have labelled ds as a child who requires anger management! I actually think he's managed his anger pretty bloody well over the past 3 years despite the relentless lies and sly mocking.

So my question is, how do I move forward with this? I warned the teachers, even as recently as 2 weeks ago, that he is being pushed beyond my limits of anger coaching. I warned them that there is only so much he can take and that teachers have so far been unhelpful when he has asked for help and told them what is happening. He's done everything right so far but now he's undone all of that by kicking this student. How do I deal with this without making it look like I'm one of those parents that doesn't believe her PFB can do any wrong?? He has done wrong, he is very remorseful and even the teacher said he didn't stop apologising all day, but surely some blame should be taken off his shoulders? Yesterday they were angling all of the blame on ds and wanting to make referrals for anger management and counselling, blaming his reaction on the fact he's been upset as his grampy, my dad, died of covid in February. This has been going on since way before my dad passed and I actually resent them making attempts to blame that, rather than admitting they fucked up and misread the message I was trying to convey. But that's just me projecting I guess 😕

[Opal8]

OK.
Start by asking for the schools anti bullying policy, ask for the details of the anti bullying lead at County Hall and ask for a meeting with the CT and HT.
Letter to Chair of Governors.
Make sure you document all the times you have had to talk to them about child x
Make sure you point out how they have been observed fabricating lies about your child.
But honestly? Move him.
Small schools like this can be an utter nightmare for bullying and it's rarely dealt with appropriately
The cynic in me would ask of the parent of child x is a teacher, a governor head of pta or a friend of staff members...?

[Blahblahnobodylistens]

And just to add, because I forgot but dont want to drip feed...both in my conversation yesterday, and 2 weeks ago, I was told that this behaviour from the other child is not aimed at ds and there are ongoing issues towards other children,and is on their radar. So why the hell have they allowed it to get to this point?!

[Hen2018]

Why hasn’t your son changed schools?

[Blahblahnobodylistens]

@Opal8 neither parent is anything to do with the school in an official capacity

[Opal8]

That's totally unacceptable
Start asking for the policy documents, start making noise at County hall and involve the governors.
Use words like:
Unsafe environment
Impacted learning
Risk register

[Opal8]

[quote Blahblahnobodylistens]@Opal8 neither parent is anything to do with the school in an official capacity[/quote]
But unofficial?
Mates with the CT?
PTA member?

[621CustardCream438]

Honestly? I’d move school, unless you are so rural this is literally the only option.

[Opal8]

My children are older now but I've observed some pretty shitty leadership at primary level just because parent of nightmare child is a teacher themselves or is a friend of member of staff. Just awful.

[Blahblahnobodylistens]

@Hen2018 because my ds has been going to thus school since nursery and all of his friends are there, this other student only started 3 years ago and immediately started this shit. I don't see why my ds should be made to move away from all of his friends, and everyone he's known throughout his whole life, because of one students shitty behaviour

[Opal8]

@621CustardCream438

Honestly? I’d move school, unless you are so rural this is literally the only option.

Yeah.
These tiny schools are nightmarish in this scenario...the pool of kids just isn't big enough and not enough staff to monitor

[Opal8]

[quote Blahblahnobodylistens]@Hen2018 because my ds has been going to thus school since nursery and all of his friends are there, this other student only started 3 years ago and immediately started this shit. I don't see why my ds should be made to move away from all of his friends, and everyone he's known throughout his whole life, because of one students shitty behaviour[/quote]
Depends how badly its affecting him, surely?

I moved my primary ds1 from a school where he was being bullied. Best thing I EVER did.

Child x could have been a managed move from another school (ie: they were permaently excluded from their previous school)

Whatever you decide its clear that the school are NOT monitoring this child or managing their behaviour and other students students suffering for it.

[Hen2018]

Of course he shouldn’t HAVE to change schools but it’s about his mental health, not trying to enforce the correct procedures.

[Opal8]

@Hen2018

Of course he shouldn’t HAVE to change schools but it’s about his mental health, not trying to enforce the correct procedures.

Yep

[Hen2018]

You could look at it as your child going to another feeder school for high school (presumably he’ll be leaving at the end of year 6 anyway) so he’ll then know people at high school from 2 different schools.

He would only be apart from his present classmates for a few months.

[Blahblahnobodylistens]

I do get that @Hen2018 but, in my mind, it almost feels that that would punish my ds. He hasn't done anything wrong (well, apart from yesterday) yet he's the one that has to move? How is that fair?

[Hen2018]

It isn’t fair, but it might be better.

[Oblahdeeoblahdoe]

Absolutely write to Head Teacher and Governors. Make an official complaint and threaten to make a Safeguarding complaint to Ofsted. Sounds like it's sexist crap that boys shouldn't hurt girls but she can get away with anything. I'd also insist they interview other children individually as witnesses, they will probably be afraid of the girl to make an open witness statement. I feel for your boy. It must be awful for him to not be believed.

[fruitbrewhaha]

It's not punishing him to remove him from harms ways.

Is there room in another local school? I'm sure he wold make friends very quickly.

[DownWhichOfLate]

As PPs: push this all back on school. They have failed your son massively. You need to meet with them, their SENCO (for the other pupil’s behaviour); their safeguarding lead; their chair of governors; and a representative from the local authority. Go full on. This hard dragged on far too long and will be damaging your son. Until very strict measures for the other pupil are put in to place I would keep him off it you can. And tell the school that is what you are doing.

[Sportsnight]

It sounds horrendous, and your son needs support from the school, and they need to take this bullying behaviour from the other pupil very seriously and deal with it. But, unfortunately it does sound like your son’s temper is also a problem, and you will need to deal with that too. Violence in response to goading is not an appropriate response, and he needs to learn to walk away from provocation. He/ she pushed me to it will not be a defence if he carries that behaviour into adulthood. If the school aren’t supporting him at all in this, both with preventing the bullying and handling his reactiveness, moving might be your only option.

[NewtoHolland]

I think as part of your complaint you should ask that he and this child are not left alone in the classroom unsupervised as a safeguarding issue. But yep definitely HT, and regular update meetings with class teacher who should be making arrangements to meet with you not ignoring requests. Definitely request copy of the bullying policy and bullet point diary of everything if you can.

[Blahblahnobodylistens]

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe I tried so hard not to mention the gender of the other child but, reading back, realise I slipped up a couple of times 🤦‍♀️ I didn't want to go down that route and have him picked up on here for hurting a girl because he's never hurt anyone of any gender and knows never to put a hand on anyone regardless.

[Blahblahnobodylistens]

After reading my post back I'm actually quite upset with myself for letting it get to this. I've never written it down as a collective, separately the incidents never seem "that" bad, but I'm just as bad!
I've just phoned and requested a conversation with the HM and expressed how upset I am that ds has been vilified and made to shoulder all of the blame despite my repeated concerns. He wasn't available and was told he will call me later, I've said I want him to make sure he has a copy of the anti bullying policy handy to email me so I can go through it with a fine tooth comb.

[Hen2018]

There should be a bullying register. Every incident is supposed to be written in detail so that might be something the Head could look at.

[NataliaSerene]

Just want to say you are on the right path. Can you type up a list of events with dates you contacted them, etc and anything you can remember from the prior years and print it out for when you speak to the HM? Hand it to them and make them explain why you were ignored when attempting to prevent this situation from happening. Make clear your son has never had trouble outside of this one child. Ask why they aren’t getting her the help she obviously needs. They should be on the defensive here, not you or your son.