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Original poster

Am I mad to consider full time work with a commute?

30 replies

houseontopofahill · 24/02/2010 10:00

My children are nearly 7 and nearly 3, and I'm thinking of applying for a full time job. I've got myself in a tangle trying to decide whether to or not. I'd much rather work part time so I can see my kids, but I've been trying to find relevant part time work on and off over the last six years to no avail. My husband is an actor and hasn't had much work over the last six years so we're struggling to pay the mortgage and bills. He's going to retrain as a teacher but that won't be til Sept 2011. So me going full time seems a really good option for us financially, but a terrible option for my relationship with my children. With the commute and the work hours I'd be out of the house 8.30am to 7pm five days a week, and my husband would be the househusband. Does anyone else on here do crazy hours like this? Do you think it would be too unfair on the children? Help me decide what to do!

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 24/02/2010 10:03

The kids would have Daddy full time, which is great.
I don't think they would suffer at all. They've had mummy for a few years, now they can have daddy. Sounds fantastic!
SOunds tough on you not seeing them, but mortgage needs paid, sadly...And things could change in 3 or 4 years when your dh is working regularly.
Maybe think of it is a short term solution?

Original poster
houseontopofahill · 24/02/2010 10:28

Thanks Nicky, really nice to get a positive perspective! I'm just looking at the job description again and it's right up my street. I think I'd enjoy getting out of the house and using my brain again... it's just the dreaded guilt and the fear of my children missing me, or hating me for not being there, or both!

OP posts:
nickytwotimes · 24/02/2010 10:33

Oh, they won't hate you at all!
I'm sure things will be different for a bit, but they will settle again.
My Dad was teh main care-giver for me for a while in teh 80s and I loved it. I was still very close to Mum, but it was so good to spend time with my Dad, which a lot of other kids didn't get the chance to. We did different things together than I did with my Mum ( I have fond memeories of going to car auctions and hanging aroind garages with hot chocolate and a packet of Minstrels!) and had lots of fun times.
It may well be hard for you though, but , no, the kids will probably love it.
My Mum used to say she enjoyed her stint as a 'Dad', you know, coming home and being greeted as the good guy instead of the boring old grumpy one!

DecorHate · 24/02/2010 10:34

Would it be possible to start earlier so you could get home earlier? Leaving the house at 8.30 is quite late (for where I live) and presumably your dh will be doing the school run anyway... Mornings will be chaotic so if you could just get up and go an hour earlier and get home an hour earlier it would be better for you all?

Skegness · 24/02/2010 10:38

Agree with Nicky that the kids will be absolutely fine with Daddy. However, you may miss them very much as, unless they go to bed pretty late for kids of their age, it sounds like you'd barely see them during the week. Personally I can cope with full time work pretty well but would hate a long commute on top. I would definitely be on the look out for something nearer. I think (Or do you live somewhere out of the way with no work?) Nicky's idea of seeing it as a short term soloution could be a great idea, though.

Original poster
houseontopofahill · 24/02/2010 10:50

DecorHate I'd love to leave earlier and come home earlier, but wouldn't know until I started the job whether it would be possible. I work in the tv industry and the work ethic is very specific, it's annoying, the hours are 9.30 to 6, and that's accepted as standard. I remember when I was young and pre kids that one memember of staff was talked about badly for leaving the office at six on the dot, when others stayed til 7 or so. Skegness - unfortunately there's no tv work where I live, and I'm struggling to find any other work as my cv is very tv.

Having said all that, I might be able to wangle working a day from home once I was in the job (depends on the boss), and it MIGHT be possible to start/leave earlier if I'm really convincing and show I work hard. But I wouldn't know those things until I got the job and had started, by which time it would be too late if the answer to everhying was no!

OP posts:
skinsl · 24/02/2010 11:04

i think it will be great for them all to be with Daddy. agree maybe think of it as it won't be forever. maybe just get back on track with the money situation, and swap over with DH when he is a teacher.
and you might struggle with it if you have been used to spending lots of time with them. but you will get used to it, and hopefully you will be busy in work and wont have too much time to think about it.
And just make sure your weekends are quality time.
I am in similar situation, thinking about going back to work, but DS would have to go to nursery fulltime, would love the option for him to be at home with Daddy!

AxisofEvil · 24/02/2010 11:08

Being out of the house 8.30-7 is hardly what I'd call "crazy hours". If your H is going to be a househusband I can't see what the issue is TBH. No one would bat an eyelid with a man with a SAHM being out for those hours.

Original poster
houseontopofahill · 24/02/2010 22:36

Axis I suppose the hours just seem crazy compared to my ideal - three days of 9-5 in my home town. Skinsl thanks for making me see the positive side to having an unemployed husband! Looks like the general consensus is that I won't be the world's worst mother if I do this. Probably won't even get an interview now!

OP posts:
DecorHate · 25/02/2010 07:02

Agree with Axis about a man doing those hours - dh left about 10 minutes ago and should be home by 6.30 - which is relatively early in comparison to lots of men I know

Original poster
houseontopofahill · 25/02/2010 10:35

But is it different for a dad to do those hours, not a mum? No one would bat an eyelid with a man doing those hours but a mum doing them doesn't seem as (can't think of right word here!) appropriate somehow.

Very young children do seem to need their mums, well mine do anyway, and while they adore and are very close to their Dad they often need me to comfort them when they are really upset, tired, or ill. Hmmm this morning am wondering if I'll be able to do it. The hours aren't crazy for a dad, but for a mum to only see the children at the weekends is suddenly seeming very wrong (for me). Blooming jobs being so blooming far away.

OP posts:
AxisofEvil · 25/02/2010 10:46

OP - if you want to take the view that it is not suitable for YOU to do those hours fine. However its pretty offensive to say its OK for fathers but not appropriate for MOTHERS to work these hardly excessive hours, particularly when there would be a full time parent at home.

AxisofEvil · 25/02/2010 10:48

And that's the first time I've used the angry face on Mumsnet

Feelingsensitive · 25/02/2010 16:37

I am a SAHM and would take this option given your circumstances. You may be able to reduce your hours once your DH starts his training/qualifies or you may decide to give it up all together. Its a great opportunity to improve your finances, your long term work chances and your children still get to be one of their parents.

skinsl · 25/02/2010 16:45

OP, it is a bit unfair to say that its not ok for mums to do those hours. I know what you mean, because I would desperately miss DS. I had to look long and hard about whether it would be me missing him, or him missing me. But the only reason they need their mums in the way you describe is usually because they have been with their mums all the time. If you give it a couple of months with Dad, they will be as close to him as they are to you. They learn quickly.
TBH I think it's a very fair way of sharing the childcare over the years, and your DH getting to spend some time with them.
My DH would kill for that!

Original poster
houseontopofahill · 27/02/2010 13:37

thanks skinsl. apologies axis i really didn't mean to offend. i'm not the world's best writer and i did say in my post that i didn't know how to write what i meant. i have no judgement of anyone else doing whatever they have to do to make family/work life work for them. i am probably about the least judgemental person i know so if it comes across otherwise i'm truly sorry, i'm afraid it's more my inability to say what i mean in writing, and probably me being in a hurry as well.

i'm obviously having trouble explaining what i mean here... basically i've never met any mums who do those hours, and i suppose i've assumed that in our society there is some sort of reason for that (ie the mums don't feel right about it possibly? or like me they're worried other mums will think they are a bad mother for doing it? or worried their kids will resent them?) i would like to very much meet others doing those hours(on here or in rl) so i can find out how they feel about it.

i think it's fairly common to feel guilty if you're a working mum isn't it? from what i read on here/in the papers that seems to be a given that women feel that (whether that's right or wrong to feel that way). that's at the crux of what i'm talking about here. when i say is it ok for a dad to work those hours and not a mum i mean in our society why doesn't it happen more? why don't i see any other people doing it? i'm sorry it came out wrong.

OP posts:
skinsl · 27/02/2010 16:13

don't worry, it is quite difficult to say exactly what you mean sometimes. I think I know what you mean about feeling guilty, I don't think you can help it. I started a thread asking people how they felt when they went back and only a couple of people replied. Maybe I didn't word it right!!

WidowWadman · 27/02/2010 16:33

Including the nursery run I'm out of the house from 20 past 7 until quarter past 6. The bloke works full time too.

The daughter is 14 months old and loves nursery. I find the hours ok.

Mind, I'm not a good housewife, so we only do the neccessary stuff (washing up, cooking, laundry) during the week, and don't waste much time on tidying. Online grocery shopping makes life easier, too.

Kiwinyc · 27/02/2010 17:30

Those hours are pretty normal for me but i only do them 3 days a week and work from home the 4th. (Don't work Fridays) DH is at home the rest of the time.

I don't consider it to be unfair on the children as they are still well cared for, but it may feel unfair to YOU to have to be away from them for so long each day.

Original poster
houseontopofahill · 27/02/2010 21:52

widow pmsl as not wasting much time on tidying. i'm not a very good housewife either and that's another reason i think maybe i should go back to work full time. my dh is much better at cooking while fending off the kids etc. kiwinyc i would definitely feel ok if i could do 3 days and 1 from home. i think i've just got the fear about committing to doing that 5 days a week and then feeling miserable. skinsl interesting that reading between the lines you've had a bit of guilt as well. i suppose that's all part and parcel of being a parent.

well, thanks folks for helping me work through this, i think i'll make my application - after all this indecision of mine there's still a good chance that i won't even get an interview or get the job anyway. in which case my worries on the missing the kids front will all be for nothing. i think the government should pay us all for looking after the kids! it's much harder than going to work!

OP posts:
Original poster
houseontopofahill · 27/02/2010 22:03

oh and in case that last comment offends anyone it was meant in a light, humorous way.

OP posts:
pregnantpeppa · 27/02/2010 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

foreverastudent · 27/02/2010 23:47

Could you move closer to work to cut the commute?

flintski · 28/02/2010 06:56

I work f-t as a teacher and am out of the house 7-5/6ish everyday. My DH is currently out of work and so is adapting to the role of 'househusband' - I have really enjoyed being at work again and he is beginning to love being at home and being in charge of dd and her 'school stuff' - he has been round for coffee with other mums when dd is playing with their kids, even went on a cinema trip with 5 mums!
I used to feel guilty about working when we were both f-t (although annoyed at myself for the guilt as it was the right thing to do and hasn't affected dd at all) - but right now, it is great that I am at work (i can earn more money) and he is at home. We have to get over the ridiculous notion that it must be 'mum' at home and that kids will miss a mum who works all day more than they miss a dad who works all day.
But ultimately, I guess it is whatever works for your family. I am pg with no 2 and think that it is likely I will go back to work f-t again and he will be at home or will work p-t. It's the right thing for us for now.
good luck in your search and please don't feel guilty!!!!!

AxisofEvil · 01/03/2010 10:41

Why don't you see other people you know doing it? Well it all depends on who you know, doesn't it. I know large number of women, both professionally and personally, who do much those hours or indeed much longer with children. Some have SAHP but most use childcare. So from that perspective I still struggle to see the major issue with one parent of either gender being out of the house 8-6.30 when the other parent is at home full time.

However if you're going to let your financial and work situation be dictated by (a) your gender and (b) how you may be judged by other people (which you state as a concern of yours) then you've really got the cart before the horse