I am really struggling being back at work.. am I just being wet?!?

[Whiteybaby]

I returned to work p/t in Jan after 9 months off with dd (my 1st). DD is amazingly independant and nursery, although not perfect, seems to be sending her home everyday happy which I am focussing on so I don't have to worry about her. I'm finding it really hard though being back in the office. I'm struggling to focus (get me on mn on a working day !), feel really unconfident and almost in a borderline state of tearfulness all the time. I'm doing three days a week and have to leave at 4.45 to get back for nursery (i'm in office by 8.30 am) and feel like such a part timer compared to my colleagues. Usual hours before would be 8.30 to 6ish although I commute 2.5hrs a day so do use train time for reading reports etc. I've been in my job a while and considered myself pretty good at my job before child but just feel like a bit of a waste of space now. Its almost like I have no idea how to do my job but everyone expects me to be an expert!! I work in professional services in a manager type role. Am I just being a complete sop or is this normal?? I don't know what to do to make this feeling go away.. Anyone else feel / felt this way?

Hi
Please don't beat yourself up over the way you are feeling. Remember since you were last at work your whole life, focus and priorities have been turned on their head. I went back to work 4 days a week when DS1 was 7 months, up to full time when he was 3 and this last year school hours. Each time has been a big adjustment both in terms of feeling as if I'm not letting my baby down and feelingas if I'm competent and professional at my job. Expecting DD in April and can only afford to take 4 mths off and then expecting to have to come back full-time so I know I'll go through all the same feelings again - but compunded by trying to make sure DS1 doesn't feel like he's losing mummy time due to the new baby. Juggling the emotional side of working and having a family is never easy but it does become more manageable. If there are any other working mums working where you are I'm sure they'll be more than happy to have a chat and sympathise with you which I found to be the best help at my lowest points.
Hang in there - you are still just as good at your job as you were before and just as good a mum as you were when you were on maternity leave it's just that now your negotiating the huge task of balancing both roles.
Big hugs - you can do it

Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect - try and pat yourself on the back for already acheiving so much (and yes you are!)
Remember how long it takes to feel confident when you start a new job and it is a new you even though it's the same job.
It will get better and the emotions are completely normal - you are trying to do it all and probably doing much better at work than you give yourself credit for and it's not just about office horus (you already said you work on your commute) Maybe schedule in a review conversation for 3 months in so you can get some good feedback from management which will help reinforce the positive?

Thanks so much for your replies. Its a huge help to hear this isn't so uncommon and lovely to have some virtual support. Stepford I have actually got a review planned for thurs (its that time of year!) to set out some targets for year ahead. Problem is, I'm feeling so sorry for myself that I'm concerned that if they ask how its going I might just dissolve! Not really the way forward in the male dominated environment I work in! Its just so much harder getting back into it and part of me wonders if I really care.. I was so committed pre baby and although I do want (and need!) to work its a bit of a shock having bigger things to worry about! Also I feel SO brainless sometimes even writing an email to a client can take forever while I wonder if it sounds ok! Macsmum, its a real shame a colleugue who was preg at same time was made redundant so don't have anyone in similar timeframe to chat too. Would be lovely to have had her here to compare notes with. I think for some of the others, like so many baby related difficulties they have forgotten or never experienced it! Finally, how do you cope with sleep or lack of? DD usually wakes up at least couple times in the night (damn those teeth) and although its usually only brief to sort out I'm permanantly knackered even with usually being asleep by 10pm

You will learn to manage with the permanent tiredness too DS didn't sleep through until he was 3 and half (don't panic it sounds as if your DS is only waking due to teeth so no long term prospect of no sleep and somehow you learn to function at on a reduced amount to sleep. I don't want to pry so feel free not to answer but do you have a partner who can help with the night shift. Also don't feel bad about getting an early night when you can - there's no rule that says you can't go to bed when baby does - there were times when it was my salvation.

Hi Whiteybaby

How funny. I logged on tonight to write almost exactly your message, and there it was, at the top of the page! I also went back in Jan, DD was 9mo, is now 10.5. I'm working similiar hours to you, but I am a teacher and only have a 1 hr commute each end of the day. I HATE it. I feel guilty about leaving her, I miss her, I feel useless in my job and like I am letting school, my job share partner and the kids in my class down. I was part of the management team before ML and have lost that responsibility now that I have gone back, but I am still struggling to get everything done and I feel useless and on the verge of tears all the time. The only thing getting me through is the thought that if it doesn't get better by May I'll hand in my notice and find a job in a local supermarket!
It has been a huge knock to my confidence too. I used to be very efficient, would never have needed chasing up to do anything, had no behaviour management issues in my class ever and I loved the teaching and the learning that went on. Now I am seriously wondering if I am cut out for this career at all. I just want to chuck it all in.
I am still BFing and DD has to have a feed before she goes to bed, so I have to be home by 6 (bedtime) or she screams the house down. I find that adds an extra level of stress to each day. And she is up at least twice each night too. It's funny what you can cope with if you need to isn't it? She has just the last couple of nights, started sleeping a block of 4-5 hours in the middle of the night at last, and I do feel better for that. Probably shouldn't have written it down though, she's bound to be up every 2 hrs tonight now !
It's good to know that these feelings are not unusual- not that I would wish this upon you!- let's hope that it too will pass (like the colic, cutting the first tooth, nights with zero sleep....!)

I'm right there with you, I went back in September after 13 months off and it hasn't really got any easier,

Possibly because I found out I was pregnant in October so know I'll be off again in June.

I'm not much help I know but wanted to sympathise.

ladies, just wanted to say that i think it's impressive you went back to work after 9 months - there is no way i was ready to do it then and only now that DD is 13 mo am i feeling like i actively want to be back in work (sod's law of course, don't have a job to go back to hey ho). i don't find it surprising in the least that you feel torn between work and home and hard to cope with being away from baby. of course your confidence has been knocked - anyone's would be being out of work routine for 9 months, let alone caring for another person 24/7. if you can sit it out i think you might find each month becomes easier and you 'emerge' more into non-mummy world. in the meantime, imagine you are a 40-something male media VP who turns up to work most days hungover and have extended lunches - just pretend like you know what you're doing! i've worked with enough of them, seems to work for them...

Sorry not been back sooner..I got goosebumps and then a lump in my throat reading your replies! I'm so glad I am not alone (not that I want anyone to be feeling detached at work!). Themacs if you are still here i do have dh who does some nighttime duties but to be honest I am better at settling her so often I end up getting up later on as she hasnt really gone back to sleep. I did it all during the week when on mat leave as seemed fair so guess I have had more practice . Omaoma I think you may just have a point! I'll remember that and work on the faking it approach! Like you say it works for many (men esp i find !) Jeffily big solidarity emoticon to you! It really sounds as if you are feeling exactly the same way as me. Still bf must be hard too.. I take my hat off to you, I stopped after about 6 mths and can't imagine having to rush back for that too.. All i would say is that we are still the people we were before babies and so I am positive you are just as good at your job. Its just that we are a bit out of practise, I am positive it will get better but understand your thoughts of getting a less "involved" job! Gouls.. congratulations! I can imagine it makes it even harder to focus though. My dh is pressing for dc no 2 but right now it fills me with fear having another!

I think it is such early days. We are only in Feb. I went back to work when ds was 10 months and have a similar length commute to you. I felt completely out of it and struggled to replace my nappy brain with my work one. I reckon it took six months before I felt comfortable and a year before I accepted my new norm.

Ladies - just be kind to yourselves. Your career is much more than the sum of these few months. Everybody - parent or not, man or woman has times in their lives when they are on top of their game and times when they errrrrrrr aren't quite so much.

Fwiw as a manager I think mum with small children working part time are bloody good value - you get full time skills and experience at a lower cost I think that you are all doing better then you think you are and it will get easier. Part time is hard. I find full time easier in many ways though it is has it's costs too. There is no easy way and nobody is doing any better than you.

Just keep on going and breathe deeply. My mantra for this is that you will be parenting for the rest of your life God willing and you will be working for a long time too so don't fixate on this one little bit. Take a long view because that improves the picture no end!

It's a shame there's no one at work with you in the same boat, because it really does help to have a quick moan (and have people who realise you deserve a medal for being at your desk with your suit on the right way round, even before you start trying to speak coherently and not have your forehead crash onto the keyboard at 11am through lack of sleep). I didn't have anyone like that when I went back after dd1, but now there are a little gang of us (including one bloke, who has exactly the same issues) and it is so much easier, both for just venting and for practical help.

So feel free to have a moan to the virtual gang on mumsnet whenever you want - remembering you are definitely not alone, in fact, completely normal - but I hope you get a real someone with you at work soon. Surely it can't be a totally parent-free zone?

And even when you get sort of used to it, there are still off days, and they get ill, or have school plays just when you're super busy (for me, I take the time off and work through the night if necessary) and it can be really shite, but I do overall enjoy the job and the colleagues etc, probably 90% of the time. If that is at all reassuring to you!!

I hope so - I hope you do feel better.

I think Omaoma's idea is brilliant - I'm definitely going to go with the whole 'pretend you're a drunken 50 year old man hungover and having a liquid lunch each day' vibe.

Whiteybaby,I really feel for you.I have 3 kids,one 9 one 6 and one 20 months.I was soo miserable going back to work after my first and second babies.My third(and last!)is my much longed for daughter,and I expected to be 10 times worse leaving her.I took 7 months maternity leave,as I'm a partner in a Law practice,so officially self employed.I realised I couldn;t do part time,so I do 3 full days leaving at 5.30 and 2 half days.I get to drop older kids to school and pick up 2 days.My husband who has a busy job too,managed to get compressed hours so he goes home at 1.30 two days a week.It really helps knowing they are at home 4 afternoons per week.I work 2 evenings on my laptop to catch up.
Whilst the feelings are totally normal,and believe me I've had them,I think having been through it all before I know I can survive and come out smiling.I thought I was brain dead too,but no one ever notices!You emerge after a year or so even more efficient than ever as you have to race out on time each day,and get so good at time management.Yes there are days when I want to give up/sell the house/move to outer Mongolia etc,but you know,nearly 10 years on,I'm proud I kept going.My kids are happy and healthy,love their mum,dad and childminder,and have a varied and interesting life.You can do it,your kids will love you all the more!
Good luck x

hello
please can i join in? I am feeling much like all of you.

My DD is now 11 months and I went back to work when she was 9.5mths old. I've gone back full time into a very demanding job.

I have an hour commute minimum each way to be in the office 7am to 4.30pm. I pick up DD, play with her for 30mins, put her to bed, eat, shower and the have to usually work again catch up.

Apart from the permanent exhaustion I've been unwell continually since going back and so far had a cold, tonsilitis, stomach bug, conjunctivitis, another horrific cold, nonstop cough which is now chesty and really painful as I've pulled all my muscles coughing so much.

Its hard to know what its really like as its all skewed by feeling pants.

I was advised before going on maternity leave to not make any major decisions for at least 6 months, which I think is sensible.

I do love the work I do but Im just so tired and missing DD. Fortunately DD is very happy at the nursery and I've not had one report of being upset/crying so far.

Glad Im not the only one feeling a bit "wet"

crikey, sorry everyone that was a mega- moan

Hello Lawmom. Respect to you for making it work

Gingerbreadlatte,thanks!
It doesn't feel like I'm making it work most days,and I suppose my kids go to school some days looking a little crumpled!But seriously,it will get better.Take a day or two's leave and overdose on your baby!I think it takes 18 months for your body to recover.
Have you thought about one longer day and maybe a half day Friday?
One other thing,spring is coming,and the bright evenings when you can romp in the garden with babykins which will make you feel heaps better!smile

Thanks Lawmom

I have friday off to spend a day with just my husband which will be lovely then some other days in march to spend with my DD.

My job wouldnt allow me one longer day and a half day unfortunately- but that sounds like a great solution

Its funny because when I first came back I was amazed at how easy it was but I think I was running on adrenalin.

DH and I talking about when to have DC#2 last night.... one thing is for sure, I know I couldnt handle being at work and pregnant yet!

How is everyone else doing today?

Hello to those that have come to share woes! I'm loving the virtual support and am impressed/ reassured that so many of you felt the same and are making it work! Gingerbread and Lawmom I am in awe.. I only do three days and thats a challenge! I'm actually thinking of increasing to 4 as think it might be better to have more work time to get more settled but am worried I will regret it. DD is really happy at nursery and like Ginger says its been a huge weight off my mind. Lawmom you are so right about spring will be here soon, I can't wait to get dd outside without needing a pile of blankets, hats and coats. I've got my review today to set targets for the year ahead.. Am hoping to have quite an honest chat, my bosses are pretty good so thats a help. Hope everyone else is doing ok.. wishing everyone a good day at work!

Hi Whiteybaby

Thanks so much for posting about this, I am sorry that you and so many others feel like this...I feel like it too.

I went back to work (3 days per week) in September whilst still bfing DS. I found out I was pregnant the day before I returned to work but later had a miscarriage.

Like you I previously felt like I was great at my job and had a lot of confidence. Now I just feel like none of it matters, I lack the confidence I had before and want to spend more time with DS. I know, however, that I found it really difficult to be at home all the time and that was the main reason for deciding to go back to work.

We have a great childminder and DH works 4 days and loves spending more time with DS...so I have to really be sure that I want to give it all up if that is what I am going to do.

At the moment I am looking into changing my job role a bit to see if having a bit more 'ownership' over my projects, like I did before I went on ML, will help me to feel enthusiastic again.

I feel like I have just had a big whinge (because I have )...you are definitely normal and not alone!

I hope your review goes well today - I think an honest chat is definitely the way forward.

mini, just a quickie as really need to do some work (!) but just wanted to say really sorry for you mc. Its such a hard time and I hope you are ok. I know what you mean about ownership.. like you I always looked forward to coming back to work hence why its been a bit of a shock to feel like such a dolly daydream now I'm here. I was hoping working 4 days rather than 3 might make me feel a bit more established.

Thanks Whitey

How did you get on today?

Hey ladies,how are you all?Shouldn't really be on here as need to start work after my afternoon with the kids!Not one of the more pleasant,sleet,dull,loads of homework times 2 and baby constantly wanting my attention!Oh well,it's nearly the weekend.
Hope you got on ok Whiteybaby.
Re the part time thing,I've done that too in my last job.I worked full time with my first until he was about 2 as I couldn;t get part time then.I went part time and did that for 3 years I think,then went full time once I got the partnership.Looking back,yes whilst it was lovely to run out at 1pm each day,I think it is really the worst of both worlds,as you get paid nothing,have half the time to do your job and worry all afternoon that you didn't get things done.Full time flexible hours is much much better.
Just my opinion,and I guess it depends on the job.Hope to log on later when have done some work.Leaving my hubbie now to do the bath,bed routine for them all...total mad house!!

Hi all if you are still around! Meeting went really well and I have ended up asking for an additional work day so will now do 4 days a week with one at home. I think for me it will be better as can get some sense of continuity in week and wont feel so bad on a weds. My boss (female went back to work ft after 12 wks both times but admits it was a nightmare) was saying how she used to really struggle Monday and Tues and only used to feel better by weds, as I don't work weds I think it isn't giving me a chance to get properly involved. Kind of what you were saying Lawmom.. I just hope it works for me. As an aside it was great to actually admit I was finding it hard and that i recognise I'm not up to speed iykwim. Anyway I am going to try 4 days and see how that suits us. As its at home I can start /finish early too which means I will still get a little time with dd. Hope everyone else is having a lovely weekend and sending lots of supportive super work vibes for next week

Whiteybaby,great to hear your boss is being supportive.She would probably love to have had the maternity leaqve you had.I only got 14 weeks with my first who's now 9 and it was hellish going back,but that was the norm back then..
Hope the new arrangement works for you.Your baby will love you loads no matter what!!
Best of luck

Hello ladies, just logged on and read a catalogue of woes I can really relate to

Gingerbreadlatte, are you me??? I have had the exact same ailments since returning to work in Jan, if I was my own line manager I'd have sent me to HR

I'm back 3 days a week but not in my old job, I've spent 2 months fighting not to get completely sidelined - i work in a very male IT environment but am wondering why I bothered. Now I actually have some work to do I don't think I can do, don't think my brain is up to understanding the technical stuff any more but feel so hurt that they clearly didn't really want me back

DS is OK ish at nursery but still cries every morning and evening. I leave the house at 6.30 and pick him up again at 6 and despite the crap my work have put me through they are now pressuring me to go full time, basically that's the deal if I want my career back

I hate hate hate it really and can't believe that in December I was so excited about going back to work