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Original poster

Am I wrong to pay for childcare when mum is offering it for free

27 replies

HelenRosie · 16/12/2009 12:28

I'm expecting my first child next year. My mum is very excited and already talking about how she will look after the baby when I go back to work.

The thing is, I don't actually want her to but don't know if I am being unrealistic/ungrateful. I'd sooner pay for a childminder or nursery.

My mum is lovely and adores kids, but I do sometimes feel that the way she relates to my nephew is a little unhealthy. It feels as though she uses him to fill a void in her own life and doesn't always do what is best for him, e.g he is supposed to go to nursery for a few hours each day but 2 days a week she doesn't let him go as 'she wants him all to herself' (her words) My sister has also told me she has heard her say to him 'if you do that then nanny won't love you' and when she pulled her up on it she didn't appreciate how damaging this could be to a child. I also feel she is far too involved in my nephew's life, more like a replacement mum than a grandmother and I wouldn't want her being like that with my child.

I grew up feeling responsible for my mum's happiness and I really don't want my child to feel like that. I am also aware that as this is my first child and I don't have a partner I may need or want more help when the time comes than I feel I need now.

I just really want some advice on whether I should do what I want and pay for childcare, risking upsetting and alienating my mum, or take the help and risk feeling that she's taking over.

OP posts:

PrivetDancer · 16/12/2009 12:33

I think you should go with your instincts, and have a look around nurseries / minders.
Your mum sounds quite controlling, I would hate that - especially not letting him go to nursery! not her call!
Do you what you need to do for your child, not your mum.

butadream · 16/12/2009 12:34

You should definitely pay for childcare and then make sure you take your baby round to see your mum regularly if you like your mum in other ways. You can find a reason for the childcare e.g. she is already busy with your nephew, the childcare setting is nearer work / home and makes your commute easier. You will probably have to ride out a period of her being unhappy about it though.

AvonBarksdale · 16/12/2009 12:34

Always, always as a mother you should follow your instincts, and your instinct is telling you to use different childcare. Are you going back full time? Could you maybe compromise and let her have your baby perhaps one day a week? It will save you money and give her that quality time she is after but also means you have the benefit of professional childcare too. It's entirely your decision, she might get a bit upset about it but it's your baby you must follow your instincts. FWIW I have a nanny for my dd1 (21mo) 3days a week, and even if I had the option of using grandparent childcare, there's no way I'd allow it!

ImSoNotTelling · 16/12/2009 12:39

Agree go with instinct.

Think of a good reason to tell your mum - claim that your work pays towards nursery/that you have to take childcare vouchers now so that when govt abolish them you won't miss out/that nursery or CM you choose has been recommended as they do special govt listed pre-school learning or some other such tosh. You will need an excuse.

Other than that if you don't have a partner then to have your mum around to help out after you have the baby will be great - and you don't need to talk about childcare with her until you are actually going back to work - so probably wait until you are nearly going back to work before you broach it. No point having a difficult conversation now when you have so much other stuff going on, when you can have it later once the baby has arrived and you have all got used to it!

LoveMyGirls · 16/12/2009 12:43

Can't you say you want your child to gain interaction with lots of children of various ages and that as childminders take children to lots of different groups and have various ages at the same time it's perfect for what you want?

LoveMyGirls · 16/12/2009 12:45

Say you would prefer to have her help in the evenings sometimes when you want to go out and don't want to put too much on her? Then when she does care for your baby it will be asleep and not listening to things like I won't love you if... etc (which I agree is very damaging!)

SleighGirl · 16/12/2009 12:46

I'd always recommend that people let relatives do one a day a week at the most. If you use a childminder then your Mum could possibly do sickness & holiday cover so she gets to feel needed but your dc has the care of parents and childminder most of the time.

All of your concerns sound reasonable to be.

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 16/12/2009 12:49

What a refreshing thread!
Pay for childcare if that's what you want to do - sounds perfectly reasonable to me and it means you don't have any awkward conversatins about how she looks after your child or you feeling bad about feeling you're dictating things to her about how you want her to treat him/her.
You can save the time she has with her grandchild for pure fun and enjoyment and that will take the pressure off you feeling you might be making her unhappy.
If there are any issues already with her then it's wise to put the childcare in someone else's hands to avoid conflict at a later date.
Congratulations btw!

Original poster

HelenRosie · 16/12/2009 12:49

I'm going back 2.5 days a week at first.

My mum is already very busy as she not only works part time and has my nephew 2 days and 1 night a week, she is also now going to start looking after the baby of one of her work colleagues! She seems quite obsessed with caring for babies.

I live just over an hour away from her, but she has told me she'll be quite prepared to get up early, drive to my house and get the baby then drive back to me in the evening or even keep the baby overnight if I'm working 2 consecutive days. when I told her I don't think I'll be needing that, and a local childminder will be far more convenient (as well, IMO as being a more emotionally healthy environment - although I couldn't say that to her) she got quite upset. She started saying that I have no idea how difficult it is to have a child and that when the baby comes I'll be grateful for her help. She seems to feel like she is the only person who is capable of raising a child and she's already undermining my confidence in my abilities before the baby has even arrived.

OP posts:

CMOTdibbler · 16/12/2009 12:51

YANBU at all. As others have said, I'd leave it till closer to the time, and you've had a chance to look at nurseries and childminders, plus work out the financial side of things before talking to your mum.

You could really big it up to her that you appreciate and treasure the offer of her help, and what would help you most, what no one else can do is to babysit in the evenings/cover sick days/pick up from cm when you are going to be late

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 16/12/2009 12:54

If she is already suggesting that you won't be able to manage without her help once the baby arrives, then that is even more of a reason to send your baby elsewhere for the childcare during the week.
It will give you independence and show her you can manage but also I think she might be biting off more than she can reasonably chew if she's already looking after your nephew.
As long as you explain gently and carefully that it is purely for practical reasons and maybe put the emphasis on the fact that you'd rather she saw your baby for sheer pleasure than in a childcare capacity, I would think she would be unreasonable not to understand that.

Original poster

HelenRosie · 16/12/2009 12:55

thanks for all your responses btw, most of them arrived while I was writing my second post x

OP posts:

Original poster

HelenRosie · 16/12/2009 13:01

I suppose as well I do have this terrible fear of what if she's right and what if I can't cope. I've always been a very capable and independent person but I do have her constantly telling me that I have no idea how hard parenting is.

OP posts:

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 16/12/2009 13:20

You will find it a massive wake up call as it is hard when it's your first but if you gather people around you to support you, it will help. Do take your mother up on offers of help and support even if you don't take her up on the childcare option.
Not helpful to tell you over and over how hard parenting is, although it's true you don't have any idea until you become a parent, it doesn't mean you won't manage. How do you think the rest of us get by!!
Good luck, you'll be fine. Saying no to your mum for childcare doesn't mean you're rejecting her as someone who you will find a great help in life as a new parent.

DoraJo · 16/12/2009 13:26

YANBU at all. If you already have qualms about the kind of childcare she'll provide then don't let her do it on a weekly basis. (Especially as she wants to take your baby to her house an hour away for 2 days and a night each week. Isn't that a bit odd? Why isn't she suggesting she comes to you and stays over? It's your baby!) Much easier to be firm now and not allow it from the beginning than to start an arrangement, be unhappy with it and have to tell her you're stopping it. And you will cope! Don't let her undermine your confidence. As others have said, ask if she'll babysit weekends and sick cover when you can't pay for childcare and say how much you'll appreciate her help in doing this. Then you can see how she is with your baby once s/he arrives and you can ask her as much or as little as you want; you're then in control of the situation.

Heqet · 16/12/2009 13:28

sounds like she needs to be needed. Could also be a need to control?

I think it might be good to start your life as a parent by setting the ground rules with your own mother! Do what you feel is right for your child. Make sure she knows how much you love her and that you appreciate her and you want her to be part of the baby's life and that you DO want, need and value her support but that this is your baby and you are going to find a childminder because this is what you feel is best. She must respect your parenting choices.

ImSoNotTelling · 16/12/2009 13:33

Well having a baby is a big shock! Takes a little while to get your head round...

After that it depends on the luck of the draw with the baby I reckon - some are easier than others. It is not a foregone conclusion at all that you (or anyone) will find it hard to cope. if you are capable and independent then there's no reason you shouldn't cope. The people who find it hardest IME are the ones who set themselves impossibly high standards - still try and keep house perfect, keep themselves perfect, have a beautifully turned out baby etc etc. Small baby is a time to just sit on the sofa and rest, unless you really feel like doing more. Ignore her words of doom

Original poster

HelenRosie · 16/12/2009 14:52

Heqet: yes she definitely needs to be needed and to control.

Thanks for all your replies and reassurance.

OP posts:

SleighGirl · 16/12/2009 17:24

Does your mum realise if she is caring for a child that is not a close relative she will need to become a registered childminder?

ChasingSquirrels · 16/12/2009 17:34

You should do what YOU are happiest with.

Personally I would rather my mum care for my children than anyone else, and I would apy her more than I would pay anyone else if she needed me to [luckily she offered and kept offering to have them, and just has some pin-money wach week].

BUT that is me and I am happy with that.

Heqet · 16/12/2009 17:35

does a grandchild not count as a close relative for those rules, sleighgirl? That's awful!

ChasingSquirrels · 16/12/2009 17:37

I think that reference was to her mum looking after a work colleagues baby

Heqet · 16/12/2009 17:38

Ah. I thought she meant those stupid new rules applied to grandparents too!

Original poster

HelenRosie · 16/12/2009 18:21

Yes I have told her about having to become a registered childminder, although I'm not really sure how the law is going to work in practice - how would people get found out and what would the punishments be?

OP posts:

SleighGirl · 16/12/2009 18:27

HelenRosie they are being very strict about it!! If your Mum is being paid to look after the colleagues baby she has no choice she has to register. People to report childminders who are operating illegally, if something goes wrong they have no insurance etc etc etc

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