my partner wants to go straight back to work and wants to take me and baby with him! advice?

[michelle89]

hey
im 30weeks pregnant with my first child, me and my partner moved into our own place in august, our money is tight atm and most of it goes on bills, im due to give birth on 18th jan. my partner wants to go straight back to work, as in the day i come out of hospital as he says he cnt afford to take time off. he works as a carer for him mum, his mum is an alcoholic and a smoker, because of this she needs a permo carer. the midwife says once baby is born ill be very tired and will need someone to care for me the first few days after baby is born. my partner wants me to go to work with him everyday once baby is born! which means being out house 12hours a day, catching 2busses there n bk, takin all the stuff baby needs eg: sterilizer, nappies, whipes, clothes, moses basket?? im not keen on the idea at all, not only will i be to tired but i dnt want my newborn son to be in tht enviroment. i have no-one else who can look after me them first few days, me and my parents dont get on, iv lost all my friends and my relitives aint spoke to me in yrs. does this mean im goin to hav to look after my self in the 1st few days? im defo not going to my partners mums and when i ask him about it he either says i dno or we'll cme up with something. any advice welcome x

I think it might be a good idea to call WOmen's AId on 0808200247 and just have a little chat with them. Because your partner sounds extremely dubious. He has isolated you from your friends and family, and is clearly bullshitting you about his 'work' situation (For instance I doubt he's in the police or, if he was, I expect he got the boot for unethical behaviour).
I know the type, you see: they like women they can bully and control, they are only interested in themselves really and have a warped and unhealthy attitude to authority.

is he not very open with you michelle? you should know wether it is above board or not.

ditto SGB

apart from anything else, you should not be taking any baby or child into an environment where someone smokes.

(and i speak as a smoker).

hes not very open with me, espec about money, his sis says hes in debt and has debt collecters going to his mums house before he moved out, and she says hes addicted to gamberling, he denys all this obv, he was defo in the police, i dno why he left tho, he says cus he wanted more money, i doubt tht tho, maybe he got thrown out, im not sure.

Michelle - I agree with others who say that something seems a bit 'off' about all this. Your partner is being controlling, and is not putting you first. When you have given birth you will not be in a state to trundle around following him to work. If anything, his suggested arrangement could CAUSE PND.
Don't feel like you are being a bitch by refusing to spend 12 hours a day at him mum's. Look after you and your baby.
His mother can arrange alternative care, and really I think your partner should get a proper job.

Yes second MD - and I, too, am a smoker.

oh michelle, do you even know who you're living with?

Have you spent any time with his mother - are you sure he is caring for her when he says he is? Sorry if that seems a little harsh but it just doesnt seem to add up. The police have a recognised structured pay scale so it is unlikely he left because he wanted more money to be honest.

Is there any chance you could go back home to your family and friends?

I feel you would be much better off there. Just tell him that you need some space to think if you don't feel you can end the relationship.

I, like others, feel there is something very 'off' about the whole thing.

Hi there, I read the replies.... I'd just like to add though that comment "...as long as you don't have CS..." isn't necessarily true. I didn't have a CS, but had over 5 weeks of serious problems, some requiring me to return to hospital for a few days - without my baby (and I have no family or anyone to help!). Initially my partner went back to work immediately, as we couldn't afford for him to take unpaid leave or rely on paternity pay (long story). But I had to have a big row with him on the 3rd day because I was so unwell and he knew it, so he then took loads of unpaid leave and whatever else he could, and we just got overdrawn.
When you have a baby, no matter what, I do believe time off should be planned. If it's not needed all well and good, you can change your mind and he can work. But you wont know until after the birth, and maybe even days after that, so it should really be expected.
Regarding going with your partner to hang out in your old room, while your partner cares for his alcoholic mother, I think when your baby's born you'll you'll end up putting your foot down on that one.
They've opened up children's centres all over and there are sure start schemes - ask your health visitor about those, and go to as many things as you can to get you out and about and getting support. They didn't have a lot of these things when I had my older kids, but they seem really good.