my partner wants to go straight back to work and wants to take me and baby with him! advice?

[michelle89]

hey
im 30weeks pregnant with my first child, me and my partner moved into our own place in august, our money is tight atm and most of it goes on bills, im due to give birth on 18th jan. my partner wants to go straight back to work, as in the day i come out of hospital as he says he cnt afford to take time off. he works as a carer for him mum, his mum is an alcoholic and a smoker, because of this she needs a permo carer. the midwife says once baby is born ill be very tired and will need someone to care for me the first few days after baby is born. my partner wants me to go to work with him everyday once baby is born! which means being out house 12hours a day, catching 2busses there n bk, takin all the stuff baby needs eg: sterilizer, nappies, whipes, clothes, moses basket?? im not keen on the idea at all, not only will i be to tired but i dnt want my newborn son to be in tht enviroment. i have no-one else who can look after me them first few days, me and my parents dont get on, iv lost all my friends and my relitives aint spoke to me in yrs. does this mean im goin to hav to look after my self in the 1st few days? im defo not going to my partners mums and when i ask him about it he either says i dno or we'll cme up with something. any advice welcome x

im 19 well 20 on sunday, i have had depression before when i was in secondary school, i got that badly bullied i had to be taken out in yr11, it got that bad i self harmed n tried to commit suicide, i havent had it since tho + he says my mum had it, his mum had it so im bound to get it

PND is not hereditary AFAIK. I am sure there will be some one who knows for sure.

You are young, you will be just fine on your own. Is he older? It sounds like a bit of a controlling relationship. He has no right to dictate where you go after you have given birth, nor does he have the right to presume that you will get PND.

Sorry you were bullied in school, I hope your life is much happier now?

I'm sorry but he sounds really horrible- he may not be but it's just from what you are saying.

There is no reason you will get PND though having a bullying, unsympathetic partner may make you feel lousy especially when you are very emotional after giving birth.

From the way you are talking it sounds as though he is (quite a bit) older than you and treats you like a child, doesn't give you all the facts, tells you what to do.

I hope this isn't the case {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

He's speaking shit.

You might get it, you might not but his setting you up to expect to get it is awful !

You are perfectly capable of looking after your baby at home on your own. You will need to be at home for the first week or so anyway because you will be visited by the midwife and health visitors etc.

When my DD was born I wasnt living with her Dad, he lived an hour away so i'd spend a week with my parents where I lived and then a week with his parents. I had a car so there wee no busses involves but carting all the kit around the country once a week for almost a year almost drove me demented. i couldn't have done it everyday !

where do you live ?

RIght, something's a bit off here. If he's paid by his mum, she employs him, and he's entitled to paid holidays. Five weeks I think? He should pay tax on his income.

If it's an 'off the books' arrangement and he doesn't pay tax, he's playing with fire and could get into trouble.

Either way, something doesn't add up.

Sorry to go off the point a bit but you need to know what's going on here.

As others have said, you'll be fine chilling out at home with your lovely son, as long as you don't have a CS. If so, you will need help. Either way, make sure you've got lots of food in the house, forget the housework and enjoy getting to know your son. Don't even think about being out of the house 12 hrs a day.

You will probably manage to cope on your own provided you're sensible and sleep when the baby sleeps etc. What you won't manage is the bus trip every day lugging stuff around - and the staying in his old room all day suggestion is just bollocks. He can insist all he likes but he can't force you to go, and it will be very unsettling for you and the baby. You'll need peace and quiet, not a load of hassle.

you're post is starting to worry me. your partner is being quite controlling and you dont seem to be able to stand up for yourself.

you have got a choice.

you stay at home, where you are comfortable. or you ask to stay in hospital a few days longer.

pet, speak to your midwife and ask her if she can help or knows someone to put you in touch with.

you have got options, you dont have to do something just because it makes things easier for him/his mum.

and his guff about PND is just that, a load of guff.

get information on what help is available. knowledge empowers people. you wont have to rely on what other people tell you is right.

good luck

Something doesnt add up here. Either he is employed by his mum in which case he is paying taxes, NI etc and gets 20 days annual leave a year, plus paternity leave. Or he is fiddling things and being paid off the record in which case he can take what time he wants off. There are plenty of other carers out there who work as relief carers so his mother could pay them for a week or two. If your dh isnt paying taxes and the agreement is off the books then think of any lost income that week as that he would have lost had he paid taxes. Either way - he could easily take time off. Who looks after his mother the other 12 hours a day plus the one day he doesnt work? As I said - something doesnt add up.

If you do get PND carting halfway across town with bubs in tow when you don't want to will only exascerbate the PND anyhow. He is talking bollocks.

he says if i get ill and cant look after the baby then me and the baby will be going to work with him and he'll look after us and his mum at same time! he's 23 and im 20 on sunday so there is a age gap of bout 3 n 1/4yrs. he is quite controlling but iv been in much more controlling r/ships so i dnt class him as that bad. i have no close friends at all, most of my friends have dropped me and the ones that havent live like 20miles away

Michelle, just because he says something is going to have to happen, it doesn't mean he's right or that he's going to get his way about it. You have a choice too. What he's suggesting really isn't what's best for you or the baby.

I made some very good friends at an ante-natal group - talk to your midwife about what's available in your area. And it's a life saver being able to meet up with other mothers with babies the same sort of age. You'll soon have friends .

No, if you do get ill then YOU as the mother of his child come first. And dragging you across town to be with his mother will not be helpful to you or the baby.

Are you sure your judgement of him is not clouded by past bad relationships? Just because this one is not as bad as the one before it does not mean that is it right or acceptable.

And I will say again there is no reason at all why you will be likelt to suffer PND. Other than your 'better' half undermining your confidence all of the time that is.

Can he arrange respite care from SS for a week or two? Maybe ring SS yourself and find out, then you have it direct from the horses mouth. My last two pregnancies I was in and out of hospital towards the end with false alarms, growth scans - and if it's baby no.1 they prefer you stay in for at least a night or so usually. First time I had a catheter (bag collecting my wee) for a few days so needed all the help I could get from my husband at the hospital as I was terrified I would pull it out, then with the second was attached to a drip for 5 days and needed DH to change nappies. He is being very unrealistic. You may be out the same day and be fine, but at least for a few days you need to take it easy.

i have antenatal classes every tues afternoons, my parnter comes with me but makes excuses up to his mum about where he is going, like going to the bank or something, i dont know what hes gna be like when i go into labour becuause if hes makin excuses to come with me to the antenatal classes whats his excuse when im in labour?? i just text him and said im not going to go to his mums when i give birth so he either gets paternity leave or ill cope on my own and he msged me back saying "ok ill start saving now so we can survive and make up the money ill be loosing" he's makin me feel really bad and down about not wanting to go to his mums and is being kind of bitchy!

Is this situation going to continue? Sounds very enabling to have a carer while she carries on with her addictions, to the detriment of her grandchild. Surely this can't be the be all and end all of the situation - is there plans for any sort of detox/counselling? (no idea anout this sort of thing). Your DP is going to burn himself out , and children get more 'demanding', not less. 6/7 days a week with no holiday is a hell of a slog, when will you ever have a family holiday? What if he falls ill - what will you do for sick pay?

why is he making up excuses? surely his mum would let him have an hour off for antenatal classes. its her grandchild.

ther's something not at all right about this

Does she not know you are pregnant? If not how is he planning for you and baby to be at his mum's house- if he's planning to smuggle you in, it won't work!!!!!!!!!!

If she does know, why can't he just say 'I'm going to antenatal class with michelle'/'Michelle's in labour I can't come over'

Unless his mum is the controlling/manipulative one

he goes to work when he is sick, his mum got thrown out of detox becuase she took alchol in there, shes always trying to jump of bidges but the mental health people cant help her becuase of the alcohol. i think she goes through £15 a day on alchol! he's only in this job until he can go back into the police, they arent recruiting until April nxt yr! he says the police dont like to recruit ppl that keep changing jobs every yr so will have to put up with it until then. it does feel like im a single mum, and will even more so wen baby is here, i do most things in the house as it is, cook, wash pots, clean, wash clothes, iron, etc and probs end up doing that when baby is born, he comes home from work eats then sleeps. he cant even get up in morning 5/6times hes late for work but cus his mum is usually drunk she doesnt seem to mind! if i ask him to do something he goes in a stress at me

thatsnotmymonster - she does know about the baby but im not sure why he cant say that to his mum, maybe because she might kick off? im not to sure. all i know is he makes excuses to come with me

Can he join a different force? Is this all totally above board? It sounds abit cash-in-hand to me, in which case he can kiss his chances of getting back into the police goodbye. I think getting a normal job between now and April would be OK, I think it's just job hopping that they don't like. It sounds an awful situation all 'round. What did his mum do before he became a carer?

im gathering its all above board, its not cash in hand cus he has another child and he pays csa £62 a week for her, they wanted to see all his wage slips etc. i dont no what his mum did before he became her carer.

That's good. Does he want another job? Definatly nothing wrong with changing jobs , it's for a good reason.