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Original poster

If you had to go back to work and you didn't want to how did you cope?

31 replies

Stefka · 16/01/2009 20:49

I have to go back to work. I want to be a SAHM.

I have been lucky in that I have been able to stay home so far - DS is now 15 months. I am better of than many I do know that. But..

The thought of DS being with anyone else for so many hours of the week makes me feel ill. I want to be his main carer. I want to be there when he takes his first steps, to teach him new words and to see him learning about the world. I want to be there so that he can self wean as he still feeds quite often. I want to be there when he wakes up from his nap a bit teary and needs a cuddle.

No one around me seems to give a shit that this is how I feel. DH thinks I am being selfish and seems to think I should be happy about going back to work. He says it will make the house happier. I think it will just make him happier.

Anyway moan over. Any tips for coping?

OP posts:
compo · 16/01/2009 20:50

do you have to go back finacially wise?

jasper · 16/01/2009 20:54

You poor love. I do relate.

I had to return when first baby was 5 weeks old.

I felt sick on the lead up to returning.
But do you know what? It was actually ok.
I now have three kids, work part time and I love going to work.

Chances are it will be for you too.

The reality is often not as bad as the expectation.

Original poster
Stefka · 16/01/2009 20:54

Yeah sort of. DH is very keen for me to go back as he is finding having all the financial responsability very stresful which is a fair point. It's just that what I feel and what I have to do are so far apart it's horrible.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stefka · 16/01/2009 20:57

That's good to hear jasper. 5 weeks must have been so so hard for you.

It's hard because I really believe I should be there for DS. I guess I also feel a bit devalued as though what I have been doing so far in caring for him doesn't seem to mean that much to DH. I keep thinking that it is time with my DS that I can never get back

OP posts:
bodiddly · 16/01/2009 20:58

I had to go back when ds was 6 months and I felt we had just got into a good routine and I was enjoying being a SAHM. I dreaded it to be honest but when push came to shove I had no choice. We needed the money so there wasn't really a decision to be made. It was hard but I am afraid I just had to get on with it!

bodiddly · 16/01/2009 20:59

Sorry pressed post message before I added ... it wasn't as bad as I had thought - I think you work yourself up a bit. Can you compromise with your dh and go back part time. Wish I had!

Original poster
Stefka · 16/01/2009 21:04

Not sure how it is going to pan out as yet actually. I have something lined up that is part time right now but might become more than that and I also have a job application in for a full time job that DH wants me to get. I might not get that one of course so just have to wait and see. I think part time will be a hell of a lot easier to handle but there is a chance I might get the full time job.

It helps to hear it wasn't so bad. Right now it just feels awful but I could well be getting myself in too much of a state about it.

OP posts:
jasper · 16/01/2009 21:04

Do you have to go back full time?

I think having a child tests your relationship so much.

Prob your dh is feeling his input into the family is not appreciated.

From his POV he is shouldering the family finances while you get to play with baby and have lots of unstructured domestic fun.(yes I know the reality is a little different!)

In my case I went back full time ( because I run my own business) and dh was full time carer. I definitely thought he had the better "deal" and your dh probably feels similar. I hope I am not speaking out of turn here. It is a very common cause of conflict when a baby arrives.

I can only repeat that it was not as bad as I thought in terms of missing my ds.

Do you like your job? it makes such a difference if you do.When I returned to work I has actually forgotten I liked my job as I had been so focussed on baby!

jasper · 16/01/2009 21:05

Part time is wonderful if you can swing it

Original poster
Stefka · 16/01/2009 21:05

Yeah you are right jasper - that is why I am making myself go back even though I don't want to - for DH.

Job can be good and can be bad - but I do like it on the whole so it could be a lot worse!

Just got to grit my teeth and get through it I guess.

OP posts:
jasper · 16/01/2009 21:22

I wish you the best of luck.
I honestly think you will be ok.

Original poster
Stefka · 17/01/2009 07:58

Thank you, I hope so because right now I just feel depressed.

How did you manage the broken nights?

I had a few days before Christmas - only three but by the third day DS was upset at being left which was just horrible. Just dreading that.

OP posts:
compo · 17/01/2009 08:11

I would go back part time to start with at all possible.
What childcare will you use?
It is hard getting up in the night and then having to go to work but as a sahm you have to carry on with the day even when you've been up in the night.
Once you get back into the routine of work you'll find it is all manageable and you might like the lunch break aspect of it, the going to the loo alone too!!

primigravida · 17/01/2009 08:14

It's hard leaving them at nursery at first but gets easier. I went back part-time to my studies and have found that a whole lot easier than going back full-time. Good luck Stefka - you might remember me from out ante-natal thread.

Podrick · 17/01/2009 08:19

There are some real positives about working in terms of your independence, both now and for the future. Also being a mother can be relatively socially isolating and work often helps with this.

And of course you will have more money and the pleasure of deciding how to spend it. Try to focus on the positives.

2pt4kids · 17/01/2009 08:19

I'd have a bigger chat with your DH before you get set on any course that you really arent happy with.
It sounds as though you could manage financially just, but your DH is pushing you into working.

How are things split at home at the moment? Do you do all house related tasks and childcare?
Does your DH realise that if you go back to work FT then he will have to chip in and do half the housework and half the getting up in the night with the baby? Plus will have to take his turn in having days off if baby is sick etc so you dont end up in trouble at your work...
Have a chat with him, see if he's thought all that through and if you can both agree on a good compromise that keeps both of you happy and you both financially settled.

Good luck

ssd · 17/01/2009 08:20

don't let your dh push you into going back if you could stretch out some more time at home with your ds, as you said yourself you don't ever get the time back, and it does sound important to you to be there with your son.

do you absolutely need to go back money wise, or is there things you and dh could cut back on? or is the problem dh isn't willing to cut back any longer and is forcing your hand? it sounds like you are under pressure from dh and I think you'd resent him more if he was the reason you went back to work when your ds is still a baby

frasersmummy · 17/01/2009 08:21

Stefka

It is hard, I had to go back when little one was 6 months old. Its really normal to feel like this.

can you take the first few weeks at home while little one is with their new childcare. I found this gave me time to get used to the idea of someone else caring for my ds withoug the pressure of work. It also meant I could pick him up at odd times of day so I could see how good his childcare was

once you are more reassured little one is happy you may find it easier to return to work

stillenacht · 17/01/2009 08:27

I had to go back to work. I would have liked to have been a SAHM until my children went to school.I went back full time when DS1 was 5 months old, full time.(Now i am part time 4 days a week and my DS's are 9 and 5).

Unfortunately not an option (finances) but also, feel proud of yourself for doing this. Its hard work but you are maintaining your independence too. I love being at work now. I love having adult company (ok i am a teacher but at times i get to speak to adults). I love the fact i am actually doing something instead of going to gym and having lunches etc (sorry SAHMS of school age children but i don't give a shit what you think). I love the fact that i am using my brain still. I love the fact that i am earning a bit of money. I love the fact i can still be me for a percentage of the day and not just 'mummy' (altho obv my kids are the centre of my life).

IAteMakkaPakka · 17/01/2009 08:28

I had to go back for financial reasons when DS was 6.5 months old (although I was fortunate that I could leave him with DP, I was still BFing him frequently and he was quite mummy-ish at that stage, so it was still difficult for all of us).

For the first couple of weeks I did half days, then a few months on 4 day weeks, and now I am back to full time including weekends and nights. I've been back almost a year now and I generally enjoy it. When DS is ill or teething I know he'd like it if I could be there but I can rest easy knowing he's in safe hands. If you have a trusted child carer, such as a good CM or nursery, it really helps. It does definitely get easier with time, and when it comes to the crunch it is never as bad as you expect. It also makes you relish the time together, and early mornings and bedtimes become so special. I also feel that I notice his development much more acutely than I do when I am with him for long periods.

As for the breastfeeding, at this stage there's no reason at all while you working would mean it has to stop. He can still self wean.

But definitely go for the part-time, because if you can get by on it, it's a brilliant compromise.

stillenacht · 17/01/2009 08:29

sorry didn't mean to say full time twice - sounds a bit too pushy (didn't mean it that way at all )

compo · 17/01/2009 08:31

2pt4kids makes some very good points
I only work part time and dd is at nursery and ds is at school but on the days I work he goes to breakfast and afterschool club
Both me and dh have had to take time off work due to the dcs being ill and both of us have been in meetings with our managers about that (we have no family to help so if we have to go home at a moments notice we can't help it but it does like crap at work)
School holidays are a pain because we can't have time off togther
I know you'r not thinking about school just yet but if you don't have family and friends to help you and you're working full time, it can be a nightmare organising all the above

ssd · 17/01/2009 08:34

stillenacht, your comment about SAHM's who have children at school is irrelevant here, the op has a ds of 15 months who she doesn't want to leave. she hasn't got a school age child and I can imagine she won't have much chance of filling her days "going to the gym or having lunches".

fizzpops · 17/01/2009 08:45

It won't necessarily make the house happier if you are not happy - has your DH considered this?

I had to go back to work for financial reasons but I would have chosen to go back at some point in any case as I was ready to be part of the working world again and have something that didn't revolve around my DD.

Fwiw though I feel she is getting something out of going to nursery which she wouldn't necessarily get with me. She is trying (and eating) new foods which I might not have thought to try, she is meeting other adults and babies and learning social skills and she has a greater variety of play.

AlexanderPandasmum · 17/01/2009 08:46

You poor thing. I do understand.

I went back part time when ds was 10 months. I do actually like my job but it was very difficult at first as ds was tired after his day at nursery and so he would be cranky and I would feel like a terrible mum . My first ds was lost due to stillbirth and it took me ages to conceive both children, so I was really sad that I was missing out for those days.

What another poster said is right. Does your DP realise that he will have to share in the days off taken to look after a sick child? Does he realise that you being back will mean the housework probably won't get done as much as it used to? I find () that I work 60% of a full time job and also do nearly all of the childcare and majority of the housework because I get "two days off". So I would say make sure that you both are agreed on the share of the housework and childcare before you start.

Hope it works out fine for you. If it makes you feel any better, ds now loves nursery and was very reluctant to leave with me the other day when I had to pick him up early. He still obviously wants his mum though and you won't lose that bond.

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