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Original poster

Am being blanked at work - no-one speaks to me all day, should I say something to OM

30 replies

jogym · 12/01/2009 09:43

I work in an office with 3 others. Basically when I come in the morning til I go home there are days when not one word has been spoken to me. It is a little clique and I just don't understand why people can be so rude. They will all go off and make tea together, eat together, sometimes offering sometimes not. It has got to the stage now that because they know I am not talking to them I am now being blanked as if I'm not even there. Should I say something to someone that I am not happy with this situation and it is making me very down.

OP posts:

Craggy · 12/01/2009 09:44

I would just go with them.

Just follow them. Do not wait to be asked.

bitches

Anyone you can complain to? A higher being? or is she a bitch too?

Tortington · 12/01/2009 09:45

why aren't you talking to them?

Gorionine · 12/01/2009 09:46

"because they know I don't talk to them I am noe being blanked"

Have you tried talking to them before going to OM? Maybe they are under the impression that you are the one blanking them?

Tortington · 12/01/2009 09:47

tbh, i would gather all my courage and call everyone into a meeting room - away from their desks, away from their comfort zone.

and in a strictly non confrontational way i would say something like
"this situation, where i am ignored all day is really making me quite upset, and i thought i would let you know and i wonder if we can just start again?"

they will feel defensive - they will spout shit, but you have to remain calm and say things like
i hear what you are saying, my response to that is...

or just out and out apologise for your part, knowing that you are unlikley to get an apology from them.

Gorionine · 12/01/2009 09:47

now

Original poster

jogym · 12/01/2009 09:55

Well I am not talking to them just of about a week or so ago because I am so fed up with the situation I just thought to myself fine if that's the way yous want it I'm not bothered. I work behind a screen and I think that's their excuse for not to talk.

OP posts:

Gorionine · 12/01/2009 10:01

I have no experience of this myself but there was this telefilm recently with Connie Fisher and she was pretty much going through the same situation. Based on that, I would say yes, talk to the office manager and maybe ask for a meeting with OM, your collegues and yourself to clear the air. What is the relationship between OM and you collegues like?

Craggy · 12/01/2009 10:02

Yes, do what Custy said. Right now. but better working place.

Do it, you know you can.

Craggy · 12/01/2009 10:04

I work behind a screen too but it's not good to have to dread work every day.

Face up to them.

I dislike some people they are horrid, I used to dislike everyone but I am getting better at it now, the whole silly little mind games.

AMumInScotland · 12/01/2009 10:07

I think if you're also now not talking to them, they could make it look like it's at least as much your fault. How about starting afresh and being friendly and chatty? Then they either have to respond, or you have "proof" that they are causing the problem. Say hello to everyone when you/they arrive. Go out to the tearoom when hey do and make conversation. Say good bye when you/they leave.

cornsilk · 12/01/2009 10:09

I agree with amuminscotland. Kill them with kindness. They will look foolish blanking you then.

kando · 12/01/2009 10:29

I feel for you jogym. I was in a similar situation to you, but not quite so severe. Luckily for me I got out when I went on maternity leave and never went back. Please get this sorted out - we spend most of our day at work, and life is too short to spend so much of our time feeling like this - letting other people dictate how we feel (kind of). Please say something to try and resolve the situation.

Original poster

jogym · 12/01/2009 10:37

When I came in this morning I said morning but one of them replied and the other just looked at me. I think I know what the reason behind this is. About a couple of weeks ago she was really busy (meaning doing work!) and her boss asked her to do something and I heard her say give it to <strong>*(</strong>&( (me) as she knew my boss was away. Needless to say I was fuming and didn't speak much after this. I think she knew so she hasn't spoke to me since. The other girl just goes along with her. Actually another girl down the hall went through the same treatment when she found herself alone with them so she says don't take it personally.

OP posts:

Original poster

jogym · 12/01/2009 10:42

AMumInScotland - I see what you mean but I feel really awkward doing this as they might think `huh what's she speaking now for all of a sudden' and I also tend to steer away from people like them because I find them very false and two faced.

OP posts:

Craggy · 12/01/2009 10:42

No don't worry about them. Be youself, smile, get on with your work and leave them to it.

Go to higher being.

Me, personally I would have to say something.

I am very crass and rude and childish though.

Original poster

jogym · 12/01/2009 10:47

Well this is the problem Craggy. I am not very happy ATM and I don't know if it's my work life or not. I find that I am a totally different person when I am here (ie don't smile v much) and I think it comes across. I am lucky that I am only part time though.

OP posts:

kando · 12/01/2009 10:52

jo - it sounds so like when I was at work. And, 8 years down the line, I can still get boiling mad thinking about it, and wishing I'd stood up to it. TBH it was one in particular - if she spoke, the other 2 spoke. When she was on holiday, it was like being in the kind of office I wanted to work in - I hated being in there when she was there too. Really, life's too short, and if it's making you a different person, you need to get it sorted out. [sorry, don't mean to sound pushy, but I do know how it feels and I only wish I had had the courage to sort it out then.]

Original poster

jogym · 12/01/2009 11:06

When I am on my own it's like this. The person that sits on the other side of my screen is not here and when they're not here then no-one speaks to you - ie if this person starts talking to me then they might join in then everyone talks but when she's not they just talk amongst themselves. TBH the topic of conversation is about me, me, me or I should say them, them, them. Fake tans, facials, clothes, shoes, all quite boring stuff really.

OP posts:

cornsilk · 12/01/2009 14:00

They sound awful. How long have you been there for?

Original poster

jogym · 12/01/2009 14:44

I have been here a long time 21 years. ATM it is hard to look elsewhere. I am used to all this carry on TBH and I usually let it go over my head but when the only person who you get along with and who also knows the way they are isn't here is when it's hard. At least when they are here you have one person at least to talk to. They are the girls or so they think, you know the type who are friendly with the bosses to the stage where they wont say boo to them and they also get away with way too much also because of this. It has come up with other colleagues in the department. One actually asked to be moved to get away from it.

OP posts:

HOLLY2310 · 13/01/2009 15:08

Jogyn, Its not a nice situation at all and recommend you only action you feel comfortable with. I've worked in a place like that and it is awful. From the sounds of it you don't want to be in their clicky twatty crowd but a bit of courtesy wouldn't go amiss surely!
Hard to look for another job with the current economic climate and if you've worked there 21 years then perhaps you've got your pension and other benefits to consider so why should you leave unless your really want to?
You could try talking to them by saying something like "I'm not sure whats happened here but perhaps we could make a bit more effort to get along with each other as this situation is quite uncomfortable for all of us - do you agree?", and just see where it goes from there, at least you're showing them how assertive you can be. If the conversation does get unbearable you can then say, "Well I think there's a lot of stuff we all need to think about so lets stop this conversation now and do that"

Sunshine78 · 13/01/2009 15:57

Been in this situation myself - just as I wa plucking up th ecourage to say something it worked its slef out! Had been talking about it to others in the office and asking their advice over what to do - think it all got back to guilty parties who where made to realise how stupid they had been. I also never lowered myself to their level and was always polite to them. I realky feel for you as it is awful and no matter how much people say its only work dont let it get you down it is a long day when you sit in silence.

georgimama · 13/01/2009 16:18

I once worked in an office like this following re-deployment. Basically the manager didn't want me there because she hadn't chosen me, I had been placed there following redundancy consultations in the firm as a whole.

I was actually told by my boss that if other people wished to include me in their conversations they would address me directly, otherwise I was not to speak. I started keeping a diary of this and looked for another job. I dropped her right in it at my exit interview with her boss.

I could have claimed for constructive dismissal I suppose or taken things further, but it was this episode which led me to go to back to uni part time and now I am a trainee solicitor and they are still in that office having their fascinating discussions about Pop Idol which I wasn't good enough to join in with.

It is hard to believe that adults can be so childish but they can.

mykiddies · 19/01/2009 20:28

Update on the situation is that I went to see OM. I explained to her that no-one was speaking to me that I felt intimidated and uncomfortable that they were all going off and doing this and I was being ignored as if I wasn't there. That I was not prepared to come and work in that environment and I got a bit teary. She said she would see what she could do and had I made attempts to speak. I said I had and that I was ignored and I think it came from a day when no-one had spoke one word to me all day and after work she piped up was I staying late and I said no in a kinda way that obviously annoyed her. It has come to light that this is why she ignored me the next time I was in as she was annoyed the way I spoke to her. After being spoken to about the situation she has still made no effort to talk to me at all. Today with OM when she updated me on the situation she said that the way I said this was the reason why she had stopped speaking but I said no because they stopped speaking before this and she said oh maybe it was something else then but I don't think she said. In other words she was putting the blame on me. It has now been suggested that my partition be taken down and would I be happy with this. I said ok but am now having second thoughts as when the next time I am in the office it will be down and I think it will be more awkward. It just means now that as well as ignoring me I can see everything they are doing. I was going to say tonight after work to this girl that I believe I annoyed her by the way I responded that day but I thought I had done nothing wrong to justify apologising as she was also spoken to and has made no attempt to resolve matters. I think it's a case of well i'm not going to be the one to talk first. I am going to let OM know that I think it would be best to leave taking down partition until the other girl comes back.

edam · 19/01/2009 20:34

don't get hung up on 'why should I take the first step'. Just go to this other woman and say 'it's a shame that we aren't talking, I think there might have been a misunderstanding - shall we start afresh?' Then just be friendly, bright and breezy. You don't have to be best buddies, you are just aiming for a polite atmosphere.

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