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Original poster

Has anyone else lost their ambition since having children?

51 replies

BEAUTlFUL · 09/09/2008 21:45

I used to be soooo driven. I had to be the best at my job, worked all hours, used my career to define myself...

Now? Pffft. I would love to immerse myself in family life and give up, pretty much. I only do it for the money now, if I'm completely honest.

Is it just me?

OP posts:
BetsyBoop · 16/09/2008 16:09

sophiebbb OMG I could have written your post

It's nice to know we are not alone.

I've just officially started a career break (could be up to 5yrs) after 2 lots of m/l almost back-to-back. (33month DD & 10month DS)

When a general offer for voluntary severance came out last week I didn't hesitate in applying, still waiting to hear if I've been accepted.

My career-minded friends think I'm mad "even if you want to do the "yummy mummy" bit you can always come back after your career break." (they all went back before DC was 6 months) Trouble is I can't see me ever going back to all that crap & nonsense I used to think was important. We can survive on DH's income so long as we are careful & he's happy for me to do it, so...we'll have to wait & see if I get my redundancy...

findtheriver · 16/09/2008 20:51

No, I haven't lost my ambition, though I agree that your priorities and perspective change when you have children.My children come first and are the most important thing in my life. But my career is important too.

mylittlemonsters · 16/09/2008 21:57

I have to say I am a 100% or nothing person and if I have to return I know I will get dragged back into the life.

Still not sure if a full time job is possible with more than one chil.

findtheriver - would be interested to hear what that means to you - in terms of how work is important - is it the same as pre kids?

squiffy · 17/09/2008 13:19

I found that I got far more chilled at work (because I realised it wasn't the be all and end all of the universe) and for a while, when I had my second DC, I wasn't hugely motivated...

but but but. The ambition has come back with a vengeance, especially as I switched jobs and spent the first few 'mum' years working in a role well beneath my capabilities in order to ensure I was able to combine work/family....it was great for a while but couldn't bear it (or staying at home) long term...

.... which is a shame really, because I work in Investment Banking Heaven knows if I will have a job by christmas

wotulookinat · 17/09/2008 13:26

I was a very driven teacher before I had DS, who is now two. When DS was 4months old I went back to work, and then was offered a brill new job, 200 miles away, which I took and we moved when DS was 10 months old. After 3 months in the job, which had been my dream job for years, I jacked it in. I just didn't care about other people's kids any more and wanted to be with my own.

AbbeyA · 17/09/2008 13:33

I still have ambitions but they are not to do with work. A job is something you need to do in order to live, it is not the reason for living. I enjoy mine but my ambition is only to be good at it, I don't want to progress to the top (I didn't before I had children).

expatinscotland · 17/09/2008 13:34

no, i never had any. the only reason i worked lots of hours was for money and, in particular, overtime.

expatinscotland · 17/09/2008 13:36

'Secret confession: I wish I'd married someone loaded. !'

I don't. Just read some of the threads on here and you'll soon see why.

As my mother always said, 'Marry a man for money and you'll earn every penny.'

squiffy · 17/09/2008 13:39

Ah, you see, now I wish I'd had the sense to marry for money, then get divorced before marrying for love....

notnowbernard · 17/09/2008 13:43

Never had any to start with

maddo · 17/09/2008 13:43

Since having my 2 DS I have stayed at home and been there for them 24 -7. I became a reg childminder as bills needed to be paid and hubbys money did not go that far. 2nd son starts school next sept and want a career again, but I think my brain seems to of shrunk, cant think of anything else apart from kids. Worked in an office for 5 years and before that in Day Nurseries. Feel it should be time for me but aint got a clue what to do.

orangina · 17/09/2008 13:48

My ambition has changed. I used to work v hard, it could be all consuming etc. I wanted to be recognized in my field, win competitions, get published etc. That bit has gone, I couldn't give a monkeys whether I win a competition, get published etc. But I do like working, and I like to do my job properly and have it acknowledged that I do a Good Job. Money is now more important to me, as I do miss my children and of course have to factor childcare costs into things, ultimately as long as I am working, am doing a good job and am being paid a fair whack for it, that's ok. No need for international recognition...

mummyc · 17/09/2008 14:14

beautiful you've just described the issue I've been boring the arse off myself with for ages - I used to be great at my job but now I just cry each day at having to do something I really don't give a crap about while I pay a fortune for a bunch of 20 something girls to enjoy playing with my lovely DS at nursery so I can go home and see him for 30 min before rushing around doing housework until 1am then falling into bed beside a sleeping DH.... feels all wrong, and not only that I don't give a monkeys about work any more and therefore why did I work so hard before to get where I am but also feel like a shite mum / wife / housekeeper / daughter / friend as have no time and am always stressed.

am also hoping someone will come on here and say it can work, you will get motivated again, you'll stop feeling guilty, your DS won't miss you but I know none of that is true and therefore why didn't I think about this before having DS and how the feck am I going to out of this mess??????????????

Brangelina · 17/09/2008 14:56

Massively so. I used to be Mrs In-Control-Ambitious-Hard-Headed-Career-Woman but since DD was born I've become so laid back I'm horizontal. I still have to work - and I enjoy doing so - but I no longer have a sense of urgency, nor as much satisfaction in what I do. I fail to get excited by new projects, it's more a case of oh bum, more boring things to do. It all seems a bit pointless really.

Does anyone else feel that they should be doing something more "worthwhile", like saving whales/helping refugees/working for MSF etc.? It's not practical now I have a little one, but I've suddenly got this burning desire to work for Orang-utan rescue in the Indonesian jungle.

woodstock3 · 20/09/2008 21:10

not lost ambition exactly: parked it. or more accurately, changed it. if ambition is about wanting to move on to the next level professionally then i still have that, but my definition of next level has changed - not the one my organisation has (ie my boss's job, something with executive in the title or more people to manage more money) but my definition, ie something where i do fewer hours at something i enjoy more but get away with being paid the same
got asked to apply for a promotion while i was still on maternity leave (i would have come back into that job) but i didnt as the mere idea made me feel exhausted. i sort of vaguely think at some point in the future i'll get interested in playing the game again. but then again maybe i wont. does anybody know any fantastically ambitious and fantastically HAPPY people? of those i've known at work who were most avidly climbing the greasy pole, they seemed the least content with their lot in life

RambleOn · 20/09/2008 21:21

The ambition that I used to have for my career has now switched to ambition for raising my children well.

pippylongstockings · 20/09/2008 21:39

I feel for me it's all about 'playing the game' when I'm at work I try to do a good job - but I know I'm nothing like as switched on and ambitious as I used to be.

But I try and smile be positive and contribute in a way tht justify's my salary - (I am an ex-manager still on a managers salary in banking now working part-time...)

But at the end of the day I'd rather be with my kids and alot ofthe time have had a rough night which means I'm in work functioning on 5 hours sleep.

ForeverOptimistic · 20/09/2008 21:42

No quite the opposite. Being a SAHM has given me space to think about what I want to do. I am now more determined and ambitious than I ever was.

pinkteddy · 20/09/2008 21:51

Me too, nothing like as ambitious as I was pre children. I went back to my NHS job after maternity leave on p/t hours but I was constantly being hassled to increase my hours and was seconded to dead end jobs. I completely lost interest and began to really resent being there and away from dd. I left a year ago and am now working for a local authority - miles better.

mummyc that sounds sad, I feel for you that's exactly how I felt in my last job. Fortunately the job I am in now (albeit less money) is nearer to home and with less stress and everything is so much easier. Is there any way you can rearrange things, maybe reduce your hours?

lou031205 · 20/09/2008 22:41

Mine has. I had Mat leave in July '05, returned July '06, went on Mat leave July'07, resigned July '08.

I was a Registered Nurse, but I am pregnant again, know that while I have the hours to re-register in September 2009, I will not use my registration (DC3 due in April 2009), and then I will not have enough hours to re-register in 2012. So I have decided not to pay £304 over 4 years only to let my registration lapse in 2012.

So, as of today, I can no longer call myself a Registered Nurse! I can say I am qualified, but not Registered.

What I would really like to do is an Open University degree in Maths, but don't have the money right now. I would like to become a Maths Secondary teacher, get involved with SEN or a PRU.

I can do that once I have some hands free, because the Gov will pay me to get some degree level maths and do the PGCE. Just need to wait till children are old enough. I suppose it will depend if we go on to have DC4 as well, or stop at 3.

SugarGlider · 21/09/2008 10:35

I am about to go maternity leave with my first and have been frankly disturbed by how much my attitude to my job has changed ALREADY. Trying to cope in a career job in which I have previously survived by being totally focussed and putting in long hours and being willing to do anything and everything has been hard, when now I feel I have other things on my mind and don't want to stay late or put in effort for the hell of it...

To be fair, there are other mitigating factors. I have recently cottoned on to the fact that, lots of contemporaries have taken a much more self-interested view - and have not been held back. I no longer want to be the mug who sacrifices their home life for work (I was very interested in news reports a few months back suggesting that it is young women who do the most unpaid overtime, as that chimes true with my experience) I do feel I have given my employers - two in 10 years - plenty of extra effort for free, and now it's time to put my family first. BUT that doesn't really help with the fact I feel I can no longer do my job well or that I have job security, both things I used to be obsessed with ...

Sorry, all this long and boring, but I am now quite worried, because I will need to go back after six months max and I am the breadwinner, so won't be able to go part time. How will I do it? I certainly have new feelings of wishing my DH were a rich man...

NorbertDentressangle · 21/09/2008 10:53

I'm not sure if I've lost my ambition or whether its just "on hold" or something.

I was the main wage earner pre-DC and was the one who got our mortgage etc as, at the time, DP was starting out in his own business.

After having DD I cut back to part-time hours and certainly noticed that work came way-down on my agenda of what was important in the scheme of things.

After having DS I gave up work completely but as hes due to start school soon I'm starting to think about returning to work.

However I have no ambition to go out and find a job that offers me a chance to use my qualifications (degree level), that gives me challenges and opportunites to progress up a career ladder. I just want something that fits in with school hours, that gives me the chance to use my brain (but not tax it too much ) and is the sort of job that if you are due to finish at x o'clock then you can walk out of the door at x o'clock without feeling guilty or having take stuff home with you (physically or mentally)

lingle · 21/09/2008 12:43

I'm with Woodstock.

I'm very ambitious about "my" career which is now on my own terms as I'm self-employed. Love it. Am working all today while the boys go to the railway museum with dad.

But I couldn't give a toss about "their" career any more (overselling expensive legal services, schmoozing with people who don't want to be there, sitting in internal meetings, sitting on trains, measuring your success by how many weekends you work, giving your spouse a new kitchen/car instead of your time, trying to market a boss whose style is very different from your own).

Hmm, better get back to work as promised spouse no mumsnet today.

Ginni · 21/09/2008 13:36

I know exactly where you're coming from Sugarglider, i'm due to go on maternity leave in December and I just can't be bothered any more - i've stopped going the extra mile and just doing the essentials, which means I don't actually need to be on-site much at all. I would love to find something working from home so I don't have to go back after 6 months, I just don't have the motivation to do my job any more but I need the money!

mytetherisending · 21/09/2008 14:11

My priorities changed with dd1 and I wouldn't stay late, unfortunately nobody listened and I ended up still in the operating theatre scrubbed up to 1hr late When you have children you can't be late to collect them imo. I quit as a theatre nurse and became a CM, knowing I would go back to it later. DD2 is now 6mths and DH and I are making plans for me to go and live near MIL so that I have lower childcare costs, while I do my degree in Public Health with the intention of becoming a Health Visitor.

I see exactly how you can see yourself as a none person though, I felt the same until I realised that I was doing a good job nurturing my DD1 and ensuring she has a good start in life, teaching her everything I can and enjoying being with her (and now both iyswim).
I do completely understand how differently people treat you. If I say I am a nurse its 'Oooh, I couldn't do your job, hats off to you, you must have lots of patience etc'. If I say I am a childminder I get a polite 'Oh, right'. Even though I haven't practiced since Nov 06 I still have to make sure people know that although I SAH I am educated.