Very weepy, Utterly heartbroken. Anyone struggling going back to work...thoughts please.

[Mamabea]

DD2 is 6 months and I start back in 2 weeks. Whenever I contemplate, talk about leaving DC's I utterly break down.

DD1 has been a different girl since I've been at home- relaxed, dropping some of previous challenging behaviour. DD2 clingy, get some much from being with eachother.

We can't manage without my salary. I need to earn to pay mortgage. I'm breadwinner.

I went back when DD1 was 6 months- full time and never got used to it. Went to work everyday feeling like I was leaving the best part of me at home.

I have a good &rewarding job but I have loved being at home-if I had a choice would be here for them.

Anyone else felt this way and how have you coped or adapted your circumstance.

anyone?

begging now....

I synpathise - felt exactly the same. Desperately wanted to be at home with him; not forever, but for his pre-school years.

It was not an option for me to not work at all but we got it down to only two days a week, but only by selling our house! I know it sounds drastic but we wanted to move out of the city anyway, and we found a large village by the sea which is just lovely, so went from a 3 bed semi in city to a 2 bed terrace by the sea; so it wasn't JUST a sacrifice, it got us to the area we wanted to be (and good schools) albiet with a smaller house. We've never regretted it and it 'bought' me four years at home with DS which I think for him and me, is priceless.
However I know not everyone wants to move and it's not easy in the current market.

Other tricks; Many mortgage companies offer a mortgage holiday of up to six months. We did this too, before we moved! That might buy you a bit of time to think.

Another thing I did when ds was a baby was have a weekend/evening job; worked in marks and sparks so that I cuold be with DS every day and DH had him when I was out. WE found this very hard on family life though so settled on me working two days, luckily had MIL to help with DS.

Do you HAVE to be the breadwinner? Can your DH earn more if only for a few years?

Aww Mamabea.

Can DH/DP change jobs/retrain/up hours to increase the family income ?

Obv the mortgage needs to be paid, and without you working then your family would be in difficulties.

It's hard, and the choices we have to make sometimes suck.

i think you need to be at home with your dcs.
imagine if you were so ill you couldn't work.... you would find a way.

you need to find that way, either remorgage take a payment holiday, f
borrow from relatives, think about working at eve/weekends

find that way.

goodluck

mamabea - hugs ... I really do feel for you. is there any way you can flex your hours - work when dds in bed or from home? I know its not the same but may be a bit of a compromnise

I sympathise too.

I've just had a week at home with my four boys and have particularly enjoyed the time I've been able to spend with DS3 and 4 (3 and 1)

Both are at nursery during the week while I'm at work. Our situation is probably unique as DH and I own and work in the nursery - so we know it's a good one

Nevertheless, although we're in the same building, we don't spend much time with them during the day as we both have jobs to do ( I cook and DH runs the admin)

I have felt this week that I've got to know both DS3 and 4 better and, yes, It does make me wonder if It would be better if they were both at home with me during the week.

We're in the same position as you, though. We rely on the salaries we draw from the business for the jobs we do to pay our mortgage and we couldn't downsize much from where we are now.

Mamabea, i sympathise so much!!
I have just survived my first week back at work: interesting, challanging professional job, 30hours/week, lovely childminder, all good - but given the choice: I would SO have stayed at home!!

DC 1,2 and 3 (5 months) have survived also; I had only 1 bad episode of painful engorgement/blocked duct and so far nobody has walked in on me while I express.

I am afraid I have no solution for you either . I keep telling myself that it is a good thing that DCs see me investing myself into my work; role model and all that - or is it just self justification?

I hope you find a solution that suits you and your family. LOL.

thank you for sharing HonoriaGlossop and for ideas Boysarelikedogs & tigergirl.

proposed moving out of London to DP when PG with DD2-he's 'not ready'-hoping to retrain as teacher so wants to be close to uni's (applied last year-didn't get in and not sure if his motivation remains).

I was thinking of going back for say 3-6 months and if intolerable perhaps doing 2 days of my NHS work and then seeing if I can become childminder for remainder of week (not particularly flexible but may suit some families who need CC 3 day week).

again, thanks for support- can't really talk to my DP about it, think he becomes defensive and finds me becoming emotional difficult to bear.

Mummyfor3 agree with you in seeing myself as a rolemodel in some ways.My eldest DD often happily pretends to be me in her role play.

We all do what we need to do to keep families head above water.

but oh, the joy of muddling through the days with them.

I think you probably will be able to find families who need a CM for three days a week.

We have lots of children at our nursery for three days as there are lots of parent who don't want to, and can afford not to - be away from their DCs for five days.

I think the 'downsizing' thing doesn't usually apply to parents in London as the cost of living in accommodation that barely fits usually requires a lot of money.

I felt exactly like this with my 2 DCs. It was only when DC2 was about 20months old (he is 3 years younger than DS1) that we found out he had a disability and I decided to give up work to look after him and try to 'bring him on'.
It was the BEST decision we ever made and I seriously wish I had given up work to look after DS1 as well.
We struggle for money now, but you do manage to get through. Ans if it's only until they start school, then you can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

i totally sympathise. you seem to be thinking already of lots of creative solutions, good on you for that, but are you sure you cant talk to your dp? seems as if you are bearing a lot of the worry alone here (it may be dififcult for him when you get emtional but its quite difficult BEING emotional)
when you went back after your first did you feel bad once you were back at work, or once you were back at work a few months did it feel ok? if the latter concentrate on that feeling - it will probably come back this time too
can you compromise by delaying your return a bit or is that too expensive? might feel better by nine months, they are less reliant on you then. or phased return where you go back pt if that's affordable?

youll cope -my daughter absolutely loved her day nursery and now she is 18 she tells me herself i loved it.ur a good mum,if you weren`t you would not be worrying.I hated it too but i consoled myself with the thought that there is only one thing worse and that is not been distraught!Kids will be fine and you might not be such a happy sahm mum if you were worried about money.

Message withdrawn

aawww...thanks everyone!

right, put myself in positive frame of mind and went to buy some work clothes on Sat in the hope that looking the part would help me once again feel the part of a working mum... came back with really tight jeans (can't bend down in and give me muffin top type) and slutty top. Clearly having some kind of midlife crisis. Am going back to buy boring sensible trousers and shirt combo tomorrow.

thanks for support

mamabea - I was there 9 years ago. I was so unhappy. Suffering from PND at the mere thought of returning to work. It was a nightmare. But I did it and it was OK. Just about. But I knew there was no choice.

9 yrs later it's OK. I am going back to work full-time after being part-time for 5 yrs since I had my 3rd child. And although I have my black moments, it's fine. if I'm honest it's not what I wanted - any of it - but it's been OK. I have 3 lovely DCs and a job that I like, and financially we've managed.

I would say > if this wasn't MN. But as it is I won't . But that's what I want to say. I've been there, you need it.

thanks OrmIrian.Really helps to hear your story- [admiration emoticon]

Yep, I'm really holding on to the postives.

Lucky to have a rewarding job (work with families- supporting young children)- two lovely girls and a DP I adore.

Money is always tight but we manage when I'm working.

When I went back to work after DD1 I just felt as if I carried her with me throughout the day- hard to turn off. I know that probably won't change.

However, I know they will be fine and that I will adapt.

Mamabea,

you absolutely will be fine and so will your DC's.

I felt this way 18 months ago when I hd to return to work, leaving my ds (5.5 months old) at nursery. I think I literally went into mourning!!

With hindsight going back after 6 months was too early, I only did so because we were in the process of moving house and wouldn't have been approved for mortgage with me on zero money even though we all knew I would have gone back after the years maternity leave.

Anyway house fell through so doubly gutting.

Had a pretty bad 9 months as Ds picked up lots of bugs (health as an ox now though and eventually became quite ill and had tohave some time off work.

Things much better now though, i work 3 days which feels manageable. I also have the optiojn of increasing my hours to four days but 'working from home' for one, vias the home working fob (I work for NHS- think you said you do too?)I would still do pro rata the same amunt of clinical work but have the option of doing all my admin type stuff from home. That might be worth looking into?

Good luck.

The best of luck!What a good idea to dress up,go for it girl,btw,I would never ever dress up were it not for work,i LOVE it,I think you will surprise yourself how much you will love it.

Can totally sympathise, have been back full time for 3 weeks now and am .

BUT - before I went back the mere thought of it was enough to almost give me a panic attack, I was waking up at night crying over it etc. Couldn't speak about it to anyone as I would get so upset. The 1st morning I didn't think I could physically get in my car and leave

However, while I still want to be at home at least some of the time (our goal is being in a place financially where I can do 3 days, using my wages just now to pay off debts etc), I now know

• I think I would need to work part time, ideally 2 days but 3 I could manage
• dressing up really helps! . Matching underwear and heels for the 1st time in 8mths, it did help a bit!
• dd (9mths now) is ok
• it didn't actually kill me, and I am not morbidly unhappy every day at work as I thought I would be

I still feel awful leaving her, and have moments in the day when it feels like a smack to the stomach and I just think WHY am i not with her. But we are getting on with it the best we can, you will be ok honestly!

caz10 thank you.
'smack to the stomach' good way of describing feeling.

just got back from short break-begin on Monday and pushing the anxiety down to a very deep place!

thanks for support-much, much appreciated.

It gets better, I hated the thought of going back after both my sessions of maternity leave. Now I enjoy working, but I prefer part time.

Good luck Mamabea. I'm back at work in January but still really unsure what to do. We need me to work really but I can't bear the thought either. I really have to let work know what I'm doing but I can't bring myself to commit one way or the other

it is the thought of it isn't it?

the whole, 'I'm giving my babyover to someone else/ feels wrong/ will they be ok/ dropped on head/ feel loved/ e.t.c.'

any way, it's got to be done so just going to get on with it and if it's hell in 3 months time maybe give it all up and go and live in a caravan and eat gruel for ever.