Work frenemy

[DonewhatIcando]

Really could with a little advice on an issue with a colleague who, previously, I would have called a friend hence the frenemy in the title.

We work closely together in the same team, she's mid 30's, married with young DC.
Im 60 and been in this industry over 3 decades.

Became friendly, go to each other's homes, nights out, big conversations, lunches so more than colleagues in my mind.

However she tries to constantly undermine me at work.

• talks about me negatively.
• tells others what I've said but with a spin on it.
• blames me for issues
• accuses me of doing things I haven't done.
• tells other people personal things I've told her in confidence.
• plays me off against other staff, trying to cause other to dislike me.
• hints to other staff that I've been talking negatively about them.
• talks over me in meetings (I used to put this down her enthusiasm)
• reporting me to management for things I haven't done and encouraging others to back her up

Its all now come to a head, staff have realised, management now know and there's been a small repercussion for her and I now have been informed by staff and management what she's been doing so I've taken a huge step back, professional and polite but not friendly.

However, I've recently taken a week off as this has all come to light, I'm calling my week off (only to myself) a mental health break as I've been so blindsided and needed a chance to process the fact that shes been actively trying to take me down and has been trying to effect my job.

Now, how do I move forward, shes changed tack, now she's trying to say the issue is about how I won't be her friend, she's always tried to help me etc

No-one believes her, management are not happy with her but want peace (as do I)

Its been suggested we sit in an office and talk about "our" issues, I would rather not, she'll try to manipulate me into believing she has my best interests at heart.

I've seen her use the behaviour she's used on me to others so I won't believe anything she says, I feel she wants to elevate herself by dragging others down and it's all plain nasty.

How can I professionally say "I know what you've been doing, I dont want to be friends, I want to be polite and professional"

This isn't the first time she's done this to me, we've made friends and put it behind us before but this time is just too much and I dont want to brush it under the carpet, I want a clean break.

So a few words would help, if anyone has a suggestion I'd be very grateful as the situation is making me feel ill.

Wow, thank you everyone for your considered and very helpful replies.

I debated on making my OP, a little worried it may be outing but I'm so glad I did, it's really boosted my morale and made me feel less alone.

Tbh its embarrassing having this type of drama at my age, even discussing it at work, I hear myself saying it and I sound like teenager having school drama, it's mortifying.

Im currently making notes from your suggestions.

To answer a few questions:

• I could retire but I like my role.
• I dont want to be driven out of my job.
• I help DD and SIL out financially with childcare costs, I didnt have any help so it means a lot to me to be in a position to make things easier on them.
• Taking more time off: my role is specialised and involves the safety of the public, I take it very seriously, I'm one of a very few people in my industry in this role.
• I have copious notes on what she's done and will continue to keep notes.
• Its definitely taking a toll on my health, not sleeping, I have a stress related skin complaint and currently having a flair up.

@nooneliterallyspatouttheirtea
Im going to use your suggestion re There's no interpersonal issues, that sounds just what I need to say.
Love the user name btw, I once choked and snorted Tea out of my nose in the office (still have my sense of humour!)

Thanks all, as I previously said, im making notes and will update as things proceed.

Im very appreciative of you taking the time to reply and your kindness

"No thank you I dont think mediation would be helpful, I would like to move forward and concentrate on my professional responsibilities/ my work now that management have resolved the issues"

Polite, professional
Do not talk about yourself, homelife to anyone etc
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
She can only overstep if you lower the step for her
Remove her from SM, delete and block her from your phone

Thank you for the update @DonewhatIcando and I’m glad you’ve found your thread useful.

Hopefully now she’s been exposed she will get another job and bugger off.

Thought I'd pop back with not much of an update.

I had a couple of WhatsApp messages, now blocked her, should have taken the advice on here to block her earlier.

She said she misses me.

Then she was "struggling too" this is a bit of a theme with her, something she also likes to imply to others, that I "struggle" with my mental health.

I ignored the messages then blocked.

Had a couple of Teams chat messages which were more difficult to ignore as we're at work.

She's now gone off sick.

Thankfully it's Friday tomorrow and I have a couple of days leave next week so I can relax.

Thanks all ❤️