Work frenemy

[DonewhatIcando]

Really could with a little advice on an issue with a colleague who, previously, I would have called a friend hence the frenemy in the title.

We work closely together in the same team, she's mid 30's, married with young DC.
Im 60 and been in this industry over 3 decades.

Became friendly, go to each other's homes, nights out, big conversations, lunches so more than colleagues in my mind.

However she tries to constantly undermine me at work.

• talks about me negatively.
• tells others what I've said but with a spin on it.
• blames me for issues
• accuses me of doing things I haven't done.
• tells other people personal things I've told her in confidence.
• plays me off against other staff, trying to cause other to dislike me.
• hints to other staff that I've been talking negatively about them.
• talks over me in meetings (I used to put this down her enthusiasm)
• reporting me to management for things I haven't done and encouraging others to back her up

Its all now come to a head, staff have realised, management now know and there's been a small repercussion for her and I now have been informed by staff and management what she's been doing so I've taken a huge step back, professional and polite but not friendly.

However, I've recently taken a week off as this has all come to light, I'm calling my week off (only to myself) a mental health break as I've been so blindsided and needed a chance to process the fact that shes been actively trying to take me down and has been trying to effect my job.

Now, how do I move forward, shes changed tack, now she's trying to say the issue is about how I won't be her friend, she's always tried to help me etc

No-one believes her, management are not happy with her but want peace (as do I)

Its been suggested we sit in an office and talk about "our" issues, I would rather not, she'll try to manipulate me into believing she has my best interests at heart.

I've seen her use the behaviour she's used on me to others so I won't believe anything she says, I feel she wants to elevate herself by dragging others down and it's all plain nasty.

How can I professionally say "I know what you've been doing, I dont want to be friends, I want to be polite and professional"

This isn't the first time she's done this to me, we've made friends and put it behind us before but this time is just too much and I dont want to brush it under the carpet, I want a clean break.

So a few words would help, if anyone has a suggestion I'd be very grateful as the situation is making me feel ill.

Wow, thank you everyone for your considered and very helpful replies.

I debated on making my OP, a little worried it may be outing but I'm so glad I did, it's really boosted my morale and made me feel less alone.

Tbh its embarrassing having this type of drama at my age, even discussing it at work, I hear myself saying it and I sound like teenager having school drama, it's mortifying.

Im currently making notes from your suggestions.

To answer a few questions:

• I could retire but I like my role.
• I dont want to be driven out of my job.
• I help DD and SIL out financially with childcare costs, I didnt have any help so it means a lot to me to be in a position to make things easier on them.
• Taking more time off: my role is specialised and involves the safety of the public, I take it very seriously, I'm one of a very few people in my industry in this role.
• I have copious notes on what she's done and will continue to keep notes.
• Its definitely taking a toll on my health, not sleeping, I have a stress related skin complaint and currently having a flair up.

@nooneliterallyspatouttheirtea
Im going to use your suggestion re There's no interpersonal issues, that sounds just what I need to say.
Love the user name btw, I once choked and snorted Tea out of my nose in the office (still have my sense of humour!)

Thanks all, as I previously said, im making notes and will update as things proceed.

Im very appreciative of you taking the time to reply and your kindness

"No thank you I dont think mediation would be helpful, I would like to move forward and concentrate on my professional responsibilities/ my work now that management have resolved the issues"

Polite, professional
Do not talk about yourself, homelife to anyone etc
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
She can only overstep if you lower the step for her
Remove her from SM, delete and block her from your phone

Thank you for the update @DonewhatIcando and I’m glad you’ve found your thread useful.

Hopefully now she’s been exposed she will get another job and bugger off.

Thought I'd pop back with not much of an update.

I had a couple of WhatsApp messages, now blocked her, should have taken the advice on here to block her earlier.

She said she misses me.

Then she was "struggling too" this is a bit of a theme with her, something she also likes to imply to others, that I "struggle" with my mental health.

I ignored the messages then blocked.

Had a couple of Teams chat messages which were more difficult to ignore as we're at work.

She's now gone off sick.

Thankfully it's Friday tomorrow and I have a couple of days leave next week so I can relax.

Thanks all ❤️

Glad she’s gone off sick. Hopefully now everyone is aware of her truly unprofessional behaviour she won’t come back.

Hope you enjoy your leave and next time you have a problem, do take the advice of the wise MNers

I have a friend like that. Amy time I say anything about myself she’ll come back at me with I’ve been really sick with this that and the next thing…

I've really appreciated the support I've received on this thread, you've all been very kind and understanding.

Not much of an update but she's still trying to wriggle her way back into my "affections" trying to be helpful but she keeps slipping up.

Interfering in my role, explaining issues I'm actually working on that is out of her remit and that's she's actually completely wrong about.

Ive started correcting her which she definitely isn't loving but I'm being polite and professional.

A couple of my team have been comparing their own experiences and realised that shes been playing them off against each other too and have approached me to ask if I'd join them speaking to our big boss when he returns from leave, I knew what she was doing behind their backs but kept quiet previously as didn't want more trouble.

So big boss is back on Monday and we've put a meeting in his diary.

Wish us luck, dont want to see her lose her job, just someone to stop her shenanigans, the big boss is the chap to do it too, think ex sportsman, treats everyone the same, no niceties just because your female (we like that) wants the job done then all go to the pub after work on a Friday.

I'll update when we've had our meeting.

Thanks all

She sounds toxic. Glad some of you are coming together and addressing it with your boss. Remember not to blame her directly, give instances of difficulties and problems you have encountered. You need to tread a very fine line. Interesting she has gone of sick. Be very careful that she is not going to claim it's her work environment that is making her ill.

Good luck with the meeting on Monday, please update!

Realistically, she will never change, she is who she is, so getting rid of her is the only way to put a stop to this.

Not much of an update.
Big boss came back and hit the floor running so we have not had the meeting.

He's fully aware of the situation as updated by higher (than me) manager and he has spoken to a couple of the team, we spend a lot of time out on site so he seems to be catching people when he can.

I've been told that she'd previously been spoken to about her behaviour and had received a "poor" yearly review (this is highly confidential info that I shouldn't have been told but I was told to put my mind at ease that they were aware and knew there was a pattern of behaviour)
Im considered a trustworthy member of the team who wouldn't share this info except on MN!

Big boss has asked for another meeting date with us, I'm abroad on holiday at the moment.

It seems to be dragging out but hopefully it'll get resolved

My advice is to keep her blocked or even better, unblock her and screenshot every attempt at contact and keep all messages. Don’t be alone with her - ever, but if there is no way to avoid it, record with your phone. She sounds nasty. Meanwhile, pleased your boss is behind you.

I like the wording from @RightnowNo

Regarding the management, would use similar wording and resist any suggestions of doing things that imply that your behaviours have been part of the problem or that this is a ‘personality clash’.

’It’d be better for you to do things to address the problems with Olivia’s behaviours’ or ‘that doesn’t seem appropriate in light of the things she’s said and done’

Also agree with screenshots of all messages on Teams or email.

This.

Maybe she is not ready to retire. Maybe she likes her work or is still building up her pension pot. Being forced out of a job at 60 is no more acceptable than being forced out of a job at 20.

Sounds like she’s duplicitous, probably jealous and trying to put you and your colleagues down to elevate herself. Also sounds like management know what she’s doing - good luck but I’m sure she’ll end up leaving one way or another

I think the less you discuss and the more you allow management to deal with it the better.

i really disagree with the suggestion on retiring just because of your age.

Hope your holiday went well. Are you back on work this week?

Retirement age for women is now 67. Why should OP lose out on 7 years of earnings and pension because a colleague is manipulative and untrustworthy?

OP, I'd just say: we have to work together, so let's both agree to be civil and reliable, then we won;t have any future issues.

Then. as PP say, grey rock her as far as possible.

Grey rock her, and if you've grounds put in a grievance about her professional behavior. But look up grey rock method and get it going, narcissists or people with narcissistic emotionally manipulative tendencies thrive on 'supply' - work out what is supply to her, having you on the hook as a friend, exploiting you to engage with others, making you small to make herself big, all the classics, narcissists can be very vulnerable people, its not all self aggrandising egotistical behavior, often the supply comes from controlling and diminishing other people to make them feel better and in control. Covert or vulnerable narcissistic disorder might be with a little look. If you cannot quite wrap your head around her behavior and it's almost beyond understanding, it's not mainstream.

Well it depends what pension scheme she is on - a colleague in a different dept was basically bullied out and decided to take her pension.