Work frenemy

[DonewhatIcando]

Really could with a little advice on an issue with a colleague who, previously, I would have called a friend hence the frenemy in the title.

We work closely together in the same team, she's mid 30's, married with young DC.
Im 60 and been in this industry over 3 decades.

Became friendly, go to each other's homes, nights out, big conversations, lunches so more than colleagues in my mind.

However she tries to constantly undermine me at work.

• talks about me negatively.
• tells others what I've said but with a spin on it.
• blames me for issues
• accuses me of doing things I haven't done.
• tells other people personal things I've told her in confidence.
• plays me off against other staff, trying to cause other to dislike me.
• hints to other staff that I've been talking negatively about them.
• talks over me in meetings (I used to put this down her enthusiasm)
• reporting me to management for things I haven't done and encouraging others to back her up

Its all now come to a head, staff have realised, management now know and there's been a small repercussion for her and I now have been informed by staff and management what she's been doing so I've taken a huge step back, professional and polite but not friendly.

However, I've recently taken a week off as this has all come to light, I'm calling my week off (only to myself) a mental health break as I've been so blindsided and needed a chance to process the fact that shes been actively trying to take me down and has been trying to effect my job.

Now, how do I move forward, shes changed tack, now she's trying to say the issue is about how I won't be her friend, she's always tried to help me etc

No-one believes her, management are not happy with her but want peace (as do I)

Its been suggested we sit in an office and talk about "our" issues, I would rather not, she'll try to manipulate me into believing she has my best interests at heart.

I've seen her use the behaviour she's used on me to others so I won't believe anything she says, I feel she wants to elevate herself by dragging others down and it's all plain nasty.

How can I professionally say "I know what you've been doing, I dont want to be friends, I want to be polite and professional"

This isn't the first time she's done this to me, we've made friends and put it behind us before but this time is just too much and I dont want to brush it under the carpet, I want a clean break.

So a few words would help, if anyone has a suggestion I'd be very grateful as the situation is making me feel ill.

First Thing I would do is confront her about her behaviour. Ask if there is a problem with you both and can you talk about it if there is.
If she denies anything is wrong - and she might because people don’t like being confronted or challenged if they think in their own head they’re getting away with it… then forget the friend thing - that’s what you call a bully.

The narcissistic behaviour playing you off others is what she is getting off on and she wants all the attention on her. Making others look bad so the sun shines out their own backsides … So if she denies it just keep your distance, keep the work professional and play her at her own game. If she keeps it up go to management and don’t let her away with it.

No way would I be going in a room and having a conversation with her unless there were plenty of witnesses and a recording, but even then, what's the point? You show her you know what she is doing and you won't stand for it by your behaviour not by having a conversation with her. Unfortunately you need to watch your back from now on, document every single interaction you have with her (email her after every meeting confirming what was said), keep talking and don't stop when she tries to talk over you in meetings, and take some assertiveness career coaching. At least now you know what she is like but if it were me I would be looking for a new role.

I’d put in a grievance and ask that she can move departments. Clearly the working relationship has broken down.

I think if you sit together to have a conversation, there needs to be a mediator present, or it needs to be a facilitated conversation with a third party.

Move on. Find a new job, it sounds irretrievably broken relationship. Not worth sacrificing your peace for this sort of drama.

At 60, why should you have to change jobs?
No. Fuck that.
Also, your HR are ridiculous.
If you had a stalker, would they be suggesting mediation?
I would be saying that to your union rep (unison?) and insist no meeting with her without that union rep present. I would also state that her current conduct is causing mental health issues (to occupational health if you have it) and that she is to leave you alone and act like a professional.
I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I think you need to come up with options that you want, that will allow you to carry on working without being undermined by her.

If staff and management already know, maybe you need to now do the following:

Every time she does anything you stop, get out your notebook, open it and diligently write down what happened, what was said, who witnessed it alongside time and date, take a photo of your notes and email them to yourself and if she asks what you are doing tell her 'I have been advised to note down every instance of bullying'. Once you have 3 or 5 or 10, put an official grievance in with all your evidence.

I personally would grey rock her. Do not give any oxygen to her behaviour to start another fire.

And you are sixty? Why don’t you retire? This lady is awful x

I wouldn't mediate either! I think you've said it perfectly here when you said "I know what you've been doing, I dont want to be friends, I want to be polite and professional". If you want to be more professional in the workplace though, I'd say something along these lines. 'There is no interpersonal issue here and nothing to mediate. This is a conduct issue with the other party. I'm happy to be polite amd professional at work, but there is nothing to resolve from my side'. I think they are trying to fudge it as an interpersonal issue so they don't have to deal with the other person properly. I'm glad to see this toxic behaviour exposed. It causes so much damage.

I would only meet her with witnesses present!

Agree, OP should not have to move jobs.

Plus easier said than done to find a like for like job.

Agree with Al this apart from looking forward a new role. Why should she?

She doesn't have to it's just what I would do because I find organisational conflict stressful and it can take a toll on one's health and well being. As PP said, it's clear that the organisation don't want to tackle it and are trying to treat bullying as an interpersonal issue so to get the organisation to deal with it would involve taking out a grievance. Life is too short for that kind of stress. Op has already had a week off, she needs to consider whether she wants to take another few months off on sick leave while she files a grievance. Unfortunately because op is older she is likely to be the one the organisation moves out unless op puts up a very strong fight. She for sure can do it, but it's important to weigh up the toll it takes.

You can’t get the state pension at 60 anymore, it’s 67 nowadays.

Personally I would not be speaking to her again and find it odd that this has been suggested by management, she should be removed away from you at this point

I don’t have drama. How do you deal with someone awful when HR and employers mostly have their hands tied. I have seen too many people suffer and leave. It’s best to protect your peace and get out of your own accord.

Three decades of private pension contributions (plus whatever pension from role before) should bridge the 7 years . People working aren’t all waiting for state pension to kick in before they retire

If HR and your manager are fully aware of what's going on and suggested mediation I would go back to them and say that you have not done anything wrong and are already very upset by what you've been told, you won't be attending mediation with the bully as you have nothing to apologise for and your behaviour has always been friendly and professional. Say that to make you attend is further enabling the bullying behaviour and you already feel embarrassed and victimised and the stress is affecting you badly. This is where chatgpt may be able to help with some unemotional professional wording. I suspect HR would like to sweep it under the carpet but you are In a strong position as they are fully aware of what's been happening and advised you that it needs to be resolved. If you are a member of a union take advice, if you can afford to retire I'd be looking for early retirement/a settlement I think. I'd also want a guarantee that, although you will be professional and will only speak to the bully it you have to about work matters, you would prefer her to be moved to a different department.

True but certain pension schemes let you go at 60. My friend just retired on a 1995 NHS pension scheme.

How awful. I don't know why people behave like this but they do.

The good thing is that management and everyone else seems to be onto her.

I don't see why you should be driven out if you're not ready to retire.

My friend had this situation in her workplace and tried to ignore it but other colleagues who'd noticed put in a complaint about awful colleague. Awful colleague retaliated by putting in an (unfounded) complaint that friend was "bullying" her. There was a mediation with an independent mediator (I would insist on this rather than just the two of you "talk about your issues", I think that's very risky given that she lies about you. ) They were both asked to prepare written statements with their version of events and supported with evidence if possible/appropriate. I helped my friend when hers as English isn't her first language. AC didn't submit a statement as it was "too stressful". In the day of the mediation she just giggled at everything the mediator had said and obfuscated when asked any questions. They were both asked what they wanted the outcome to be. Friend said a civil and professional working environment. AC said there wasn't a problem so she didn't understand why she was there (erm, she had made a complaint herself!)

Result was AC was given a final written warning and has behaved (a bit sulkily) ever since, which friend can tolerate.

So please have a think about mediation and if it sounds workable.

I sure as hell wouldn’t let somebody push me out of a job I’m happy in. She’s the one causing problems, you report her

@DonewhatIcando I'd say exactly what you have said in your brief sentence that you know what she's been doing and you will just be polite and professional going forwards. Under no circumstances would I go in a room alone with her, I know this type and anything you say will be twisted!!

@MulberryFresser some of us 'oldies' (I'm 68) enjoy work and need the money! Some of my colleagues are in their 20s and request to work with me because they feel supported and appreciate that they can learn from my experience.

Been there, I drew a line I changed my behaviour round her in particular I deleted her number not before asking to speak to her outside work. I kept my calm and said I know what you've been doing all this time, despite your own problem I've tried to be a friend and colleague. That's no longer an option for my own mental wellbeing. We work in the same office, that is all from now on. Everything else is your problem not mine. Walk away. And why would you stay friends if she did all of that, that's not a friend. That's what I call a frenamy. Boundaries

I think what you’ve said is enough. You want to be Professional and civil to one another and that’s it.

I also agree that you don’t need to go to mediation, this is 100% appalling and unprofessional behaviour from her. You have nothing to apologise for.

Absolutely grey rock her too. From now on you don’t even say what’s in your sandwich if she’s on earshot. My M, very much not DM, is like your colleague, we even say to the DC anything you do say will be remembered and used against you.

Any conversation between the two of you should be recorded. I would record every single conversation you have with her. If that's not possible I would email a transcript of each conversation you have with her to her and HR. I would never ever speak to her about anything other than work (and those conversations recorded or transcripted and emailed)

I would privately note everything she says and does each day. Sadly, she's a bad apple & rotten to the core.
It's quite therapeutic to do this as it clears your mind and you won't forget anything.
I was doing this for some time as work "frenemy" did a number on me too.
Hope if gets better for you.