Help me to be a more assertive manager please!

[WhereAreWeNow]

I think I'm good at some bits of management - supporting the people I manage when they need help with work or life stuff that's affecting their work, being on top of policies and procedures, being fair and professional, making sure people aren't overworked etc. I think I'm hardworking and supportive.
I'm just really shit at dealing with difficult conversations and being assertive.

I manage one particular person who's a nightmare - always late, poor quality work, flaky, not trustworthy. I try to raise these things with her but I dread the conversations and get stressed about it. I don't know why I'm stressed. She's the one who should be stressed by getting told off by her manager!
I know I have to deal with it because het crapness is having an impact on me and the team. I just don't know how.

Can I get better at this or am I just not cut out for line management? Have any of you successfully conquered a fear of conflict and got better at dealing with difficult conversations?

Give me the confidence of a mediocre white man....

One way of seeing this is that you are letting down the rest of your team by allowing this person to get away with so much. They will notice and the resentment will be building.

So maybe see it as doing it for them

Yes, that's a good way of looking at it. One of the people the nightmare employee line manages has raised it with me because it's having an impact on her. That is the motivation I need to have the horrible conversation. I don't want lovely, hardworking team members to feel pissed off and let down because one person isn't pulling their weight.

Wow ok it’s got that far.

In that case, yes you need to do this asap as sounds like resentment is festering in your team

I know. Very true. I worry too much about everything. Am I doing a good enough job? Am I being fair to her? Is it my fault she's not doing her job properly because I'm not giving her clear enough direction? I'm endlessly doubting myself but I know for sure I've got male colleagues who wouldn't give it a second thought and would happily tell her to shape up.

Yes, it was raised today. I've suspected other team members might feel that way for a while but no one's said anything until today.

If it’s now being actually verbalised to you -
it’s serious.

make a plan for Monday morning

Yes, that's probably what prompted me to start this post @Offonawalk . I've asked HR for a meeting on Monday for some advice.
I can't betray confidence and tell lazybones that someone she manages has complained about her. I'll need to find a way to raise concerns without it being obvious that who has complained.

Ask how she thinks she's doing, and how things are going. If she says all fine, then you can ask why she thinks that - you can have examples ready to explain why you don't think she is.

If she says things aren't fine, then you need to ask why. Are the instructions not clear? Are there things going on outside of work that means she's distracted?

I don't know what resources are available to you, but we have access to piles of online training, so I'd find her a time-management course, and there may be others which could apply.

What training have you had as a manager? People often get promoted to team lead positions etc because they are good st the technical aspects of their role - which can be completely different skills from how to manage people. I've got some training coming up on challenging conversations - maybe you can look for something like that. We also have opportunities to get coaching, so look into what is available where you are.

I have had both male and female ones who have been weak, or not, so please don't assume that if you were a man it would be different. On average, a lot of people rate women managers as stronger.
The fact she is a line manager for someone else, that she has upset, is what makes this more of a concern, because she presumably has the power to directly affect that person's career.

I always found it easier to approach these things as questions in the first instance. “I’ve noticed you’re quite often late - is there a problem in the mornings?” then see where the conversation goes. If there’s a genuine problem then you can look for solutions but if you get a load of excuses then a simple “going forward I expect you to be at your desk and ready to work at 9am” (or whatever their start time is).

Log the conversation, then monitor for improvement etc. Do the same for other issues.

Focus on the impact, not the person. So instead of saying "You're not pulling your weight" say " the team is negatively impacted when workload isn't even". Or " I'm concerned some people in the team are having to juggle too many things simultaneously because they have too many things going on, and we need to work on redistributing work more evenly".

Introduce some targets that are realistic for the team. If everyone else is hitting theirs but that problem worker isn't, you can ask them how they should see their working pattern needs to change so that they can hit the targets too. Probably make this a team conversation- what do they see the painpoints are, and how do they see they can be resolved?

Be curious - ask the person why they're not performing as well as the other team members. People may have different reasons for this, some of them perfectly valid. Listen.

Bring the team together. If the person is being genuinely lazy, show the team you're pulling them up on it. If they have a reason, then foster some collaboration and cooperation, give everyone a bit of leeway (not just the person who needs the most support). Reward team working behaviour.

It's tough, but remember that this isn't charity and everyone needs to pull their weight (unless they can't). But find out what's going on first

Sounds to me like this person should have been on a performance plan a long time ago

I think you're right @Offonawalk . I only took over line management of her this year. I know her previous managers all had the same issues but no one has managed to deal with her. I think it's partly an organisation culture thing where for some reason HR and SLT are very reticent to back middle managers in tackling poor performance.
Thanks to everyone for advice. I'm going to make some notes this weekend so I'm well prepared for a conversation on Monday.

Kindly, if you can’t deal with difficult employees, that’s not great management. It’s easy to to do the supporting etc.

Rather than asking strangers, I think you should obtain more training so that you can handle the hard stuff. She probably won’t be the only awkward staff member you encounter.

it will help your confidence and you will be happier as a result

Yes ask them open questions and arm yourself with data
I see you completed x amount of tasks in y timescale
The benchmark across the team is A and B. You sit below this. Why do you think that is?
Figure out if its skill or will
Set an action plan in place for improvements
Set a follow up meeting in a set timescale to see if things have improved
If they ask for training or adjustments do the training. Record it.
If they ask for adjustments trial it fot a set time. Monitor if any improvements go from there

Being a manager is just working with the facts and highlighting them when uts a problem. Its not personal

Edit spelling!

Who here actually had any "management" training? It's not as common as people make out?

I've always been lucky to have had amazing staff. However, quite happy not to manage anyone nowadays.

Everyone (and I include higher managers) works on the basis of "don't bring me problems" and "all messengers will be shot"

OP - concentrate on one thing, like timekeeping - and deal with that first. After all, it is fairly objective.

Once you get past that you could look at things like pace of work etc.

Or just go HR / PIP and out they go..

Im every company i have worked in we have had leadership and management training. Some interal and some external but ultimately it is down to the individual to research management tools and utilse them

This is very common when you're managing people, especially in small/ish teams- don't beat yourself up about it 😊

Have a look on YouTube and online for advice on something called 'challenging conversations' or 'difficult conversations' - there's loads online about it and tgey can help shape the conversations and give ypu hints and tips.

Ask her for some time to talk, pick your meeting place, focus on your I statements (I see, I feel, I notice, etc) and what you notice happens when X, Y , Z, ask her for her perspective, tell her what you would like to change and by when. Then set a date to review progress. If no progress has been made by that date then you formalise the next meeting. Tell her that you will be taking notes and ask her to explain the lack of progress. Give her a chance to give her side and address anything that arises. Give another review date and advise her that things will move to the next stage if no progress by that date. Then go to formal performance stage if necessary.

It's never easy - leading a great team can be extremely rewarding but managing people who are not pulling their weight, underperforming and causing problems for the team can be challenging for any manager.

But If you are not able to fulfill half of your job then that is an issue which requires either more training or a change of role. Same with every other role.

A manager can make or break a team. Yet most of them seem to have no clue on how to manage people.

I've had management training. I did a level 5 apprenticeship/diploma about 6 years ago, and my current employer is putting all managers through a leadership programme.

But even if there aren't opportunities like that, there will probably be access to some sort of online training/articles/videos on things like difficult conversations, how to be assertive, etc, etc, which don't have to be paid for, and you can invest the time in yourself, even if your company won't.

I've not yet worked in an organisation that doesn't have some sort of performance planning, goal setting, etc. At least, not since I was doing Saturday/holiday jobs in my teens/early 20s - and they probably had something for permies.

Everyone (and I include higher managers) works on the basis of "don't bring me problems" and "all messengers will be shot"

I'd rather know about problems early on when there's probably time to prevent it getting worse than only be told at the point no one can hide it any more. The last 3 companies I've been in have been clear about the responsibility of all staff to raise problems, and they have whistleblowing/no-retaliation policies, too. It doesn't totally eliminate people not raising things, nor all bullying, but it sets things in the right direction at least.

Absolutely. I think female managers struggle sometimes because they feel they have to be either total hardasses or be kind and tend to second guess themselves because of how we are all socialised as children.

Whereas their male counterparts can be far less competent but be perceived as being better, because they aren’t burdened by self doubt or empathy.

Managjng people well is a skill that not many people possess naturally and therefore it makes sense to learn how to do it properly.

You clearly need help and training to fulfil your role and that’s fine. I have been managed by many people over the years and most of them were the same but very few recognised that.

(Flashback to being told I was totally unmanageable by more than one - I’m not, what they meant was THEY didn’t have the skills to manage me effectively)

Oh yes, I've had more than one manager tell me I was a management challenge. It's not my fault most of them weren't up to the challenge.