Help me to be a more assertive manager please!

[WhereAreWeNow]

I think I'm good at some bits of management - supporting the people I manage when they need help with work or life stuff that's affecting their work, being on top of policies and procedures, being fair and professional, making sure people aren't overworked etc. I think I'm hardworking and supportive.
I'm just really shit at dealing with difficult conversations and being assertive.

I manage one particular person who's a nightmare - always late, poor quality work, flaky, not trustworthy. I try to raise these things with her but I dread the conversations and get stressed about it. I don't know why I'm stressed. She's the one who should be stressed by getting told off by her manager!
I know I have to deal with it because het crapness is having an impact on me and the team. I just don't know how.

Can I get better at this or am I just not cut out for line management? Have any of you successfully conquered a fear of conflict and got better at dealing with difficult conversations?

I've had management training and I would not tackle this in a face to face.

I'd start by working out which issue was the most important and dealing with that.

Do you mean late to the office or late work? What do you mean poor quality work? What do you mean flaky and untrustworthy? How many staff is she managing? Does she have management training herself?

Definitely invest some time in becoming a better manager OP. Does your company offer any training?
I found Radical Candour very useful for improving how i approached difficult conversations

Yes exactly - what they are actually saying is ‘I don’t have the skills to manage you’ 😬

Ironically I’m a pussy cat when managed right 🤣

The most basic thing to remember is that one size doesn’t fit all. If you want to get the best out of someone, you need to know how to do that for each individual personality.

Thanks. This is really helpful. I've just found some YouTube videos.

I have been a manager for years and have had lots of difficult conversations so I'm not as hopeless as I might come across! I'm just feeling a bit out of my depth in a new job, with a difficult team, and a difficult line manager so I'm really doubting my abilities and not feeling confident in addressing the issue.

I think part of the problem is that I don't believe this person can improve. I think she's lazy and not very bright. I've been pulling her up on timekeeping and deadlines for a while but nothing changes. She's a tricky character and has form for putting in grievances against managers who try to performance manage her.

I am going to deal with it. I'm not a hopeless manager. I'm just feeling a bit low in confidence for various reasons right now and feeling a bit daunted by the prospect.

Thanks everyone.

It isn’t just about the conversations though. It’s about genuinely understanding individual people. She may be lazy or she may be unmotivated because nobody can manage her.

And it’s a vicious circle because you lack confidence which is going to make doing your job harder.

How can an organisation tolerate a line manger who is late, poor quality of work, flaky and not trustworthy? What impact does this have on the wider team? I would have a conversation with HR about this as it needs to be addressed formally.

The staff member isn’t a manager is she?

Like a PP I recommend Radical Candour (book, podcasts etc.)

Really good on giving assertive feedback while staying warm and human.

PS I think this is really hard for many people. Don't feel bad.

'One of the people the nightmare employee line manages has raised it with me because it's having an impact on her.'

Ah missed that - thanks

Yes, she is a line manager @LiviaDrusillaAugusta - managing 3 people who are smarter and harder working than she is. She should never have been appointed. I'm determined to deal with it because it's not fair on the people she manages.

And thanks @LilyLemonade - it's good to know I'm not the only one who finds this part of management difficult. I've downloaded some radical candour podcasts.

I've also asked for some management coaching at work.

I'm meeting HR on Monday to discuss the issue.

Some people become managers as a secondary thing (as in if they are, say, a solicitor then they may be great at doing that but useless at managing the people who support them).

Is that the kind of situation at your work? Or is manager the job role itself?

I might have to listen because I can’t see how it’s possible to give assertive feedback and stay warm and human!

However you pitch it, ‘assertive feedback’ is criticism. There isn’t a single manager who can do that without the recipient feeling bad about it.

You sound like a great person OP, with the potential to be an even greater line manager than you are. View it as coaching her, because she can’t improve if she isn’t told.

Oh yes I know someone like that - poor recruitment decision. Hindsight’s a wonderful thing, isn’t it.

Why doesn’t your company have regular appraisals etc? Surely that’s the opportunity to give her the feedback

Thanks to the posters who recommended Radical Candour. I listened to a podcast on my way to work this morning and it really helped.

I had a good meeting with HR and have a plan in place to follow capability policy and put a training and support plan in place.

Also happened to bump into someone I used to manage today who told me I was always "no nonsense" and "firm but fair" which has given me a bit of a boost because I was feeling like a bit of a crap/weak manager. I think I'm just low in confidence at the moment for various reasons so it's good to be reminded that I'm a good, capable manager and I've dealt with capability issues before and I can do it again.

I've also signed up for some management coaching.

Thank you everyone.

Glad you found Radical Candour useful!