Questioning new job after horrible incident

[throwawayworkissue]

I am only a few weeks into a new role and already questioning whether I’ve made a mistake.

I raised a pretty basic contractual/HR query with the relevant person and got a completely disproportionate response,they were verbally aggressive, raised voice/shouting, threatening to worsen my conditions/change my contract (not in this persons power but they seem to like to think their power is bigger than it is). Their phsyical manner was such I thought this person was actually going to get physical. I held it together but was in floods of tears after. It is a very uncomfortable situation over something that should have been a normal conversation.

I’ve escalated it, not really by choice as the incident was overheard and I was asked what happened, and the bosses (small business) have acknowledged it and said they’ll come back to me, but have also made it clear this person is very long-standing, so I’m not expecting much to change. I was warned when I started by other staff that this person was difficult and to pay them no attention, but apparently the way they behaved with me was a notch higher than their usual ways, though a few people have told me this person left another woman in tears. I am about 30 years their junior and just in the door so as you can imagine this was really intimidating and I feel I'll never be able to settle there now.

Feels like I will be asked to just work around them, but I guess how the company reacts will tell me what I need to know. This person isn't due to be in the office for a couple of weeks.

I’m conscious I’m earlyish in my career (recent change), I want a supportive environment, but equally don’t want to jump ship too quickly and explain this on my cv. I've thrown the feelers out about some other roles but really don't know what to do.

Help, I'm really down about the whole thing.

For some reason, I always think people like that are actually bored teenage boys 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Another here agreeing to hear, hear.

About 3 years into my career I took a job and it became evident very quickly that my line manager would micromanage me to the nth degree. I had other, longstanding team members comment on her treatment of me to me. I spoke to a senior leader about it but nothing was done.

The day she authored an email on my computer, expecting me to send it was the straw that broke the camels back. I left at lunchtime; got into my car and cried. I realised the happiest time there had been when she was on leave for a week. I went back in to speak to the Director and AD, and said I wouldn’t be back. I was about 6 weeks into my probation period so no notice etc.

Hand on heart it was one of the best decisions I ever made. It never features on my CV. I went on to join a large corporation & have been thriving there for the majority of my career to date.

listen to your gut, it’s right 99.9% of the time!

I did a fashion degree and went on to work in a retail brand HQ in London. I was so excited, it was my dream job. But like you, I was working with horrendous bitchy women who would constantly bully others and make us all cry. Absolutely awful industry to work in. I’m older now, and would never ever let another person bully or intimidate me in the workplace ever again. Wish 21 year old me had more guts.

OP- no colleague is worth your mental health. Either leave, or bite back and show this person you take no shit!

Start applying for new jobs now. If you are worried about the length of current job, leave it off your CV and explain the gap with “travelling”.

Well said 👏

Can you set her up….. send a sarky mail with a phone set to record in your office - maybe just the sound to begin with…

what does the policy on posting on social media look like? Upload and laugh it off ?

Spot on and so glad you’re thriving now. I’ve found that how we feel when a toxic manager is on leave is a good litmus test of what’s happening. With a healthy manager we should feel overall neutral.

Why not join the army and go and offer your obvious robustness and toughness say in the Middle East somewhere? You could have all the robust workplace exchanges you want. I mean, granted the other side are trying to (to put no finer point on it) “bump you off” 😬 but it would suit you down to the ground. Perhaps (if you happen to not be robust enough in one of said exchanges) literally…but I’m sure it would be all in a days work to your hard self.

OP since the management internally aren’t being helpful, would it be an idea to seek advice from a lawyer externally?

I would date and document this incident with clear details of the person’s behaviour. Also note the people who overheard. You never know if you’ll need it. Disgusting behaviour nobody should have to accept behaviour like this.

@OP I wouldn't necessarily assume they are just putting up with it. We had one of these members of staff at my work and they really wanted to get rid of them as they were known to be a disruptor. It took about six months of behind the scenes PIP's, meeting, target settings and a lot of evidence gathering to build the case for dismissal. The fact you were so strongly encouraged to make a formal report to me suggests this might be the same.

People are clearly on your side with this, I would carry on and see how the role goes. She may very well be on her way out of the door soon...

Does being unkind come naturally to you?

Speak to ACAS for advice. Do not put up with being treated like that. Put a formal complaint in. Record all incidents.

Life is too short honey. How is the workplace generally? If it's good, stay if not, get out!!
Why oh why are people like this. I suspect there are a few of these "types" on mn .
YOU know who you are!!!

A friend once told me that most women are far too nice. It was many years ago that she was harassed by a male superior. She covertly recorded him on five separate occasions ( ‘oh dear, I didn't know I’d left my speaker phone on’) intending to ‘build her case’ then, by laughing at him when he shouted at her, drove him so mad he actually threw a hole punch at her in full view of the secretarial pool. She let it hit her in the head, staggered then loudly demanded an ambulance. In the end she just got driven to A & E by a manager and she also made a police report. Game, set and match.

Totally agree, different places are different - I enjoy a good argument / strong debate so would have been fine - some people can't take it though, and that indicates its not the place for them.

I would put money on her getting away with it. The last place I encountered one of these, there had been complaints for years but she got on with the big boss. She’s still there many years later.

Every time,management assured the person complaining that they should put in a formal complaint. That way the staff member felt they were being taken seriously and management could ignore it

It's harassment to shout at you and act this way. Are they an actual qualified HR professional?

It sounds absolutely awful and you should make a complaint about their conduct that was witnessed.

It makes no difference how long they've been there the employer could be breaching the law by failing to protect you from their behaviour. If you complain and nothing is done.

Don't worry about moving in quickly - actually better to do it now than in 8 months time, say.
Frequent job hopping is a red flag for recruitment but everyone knows some places are just shit to work at

If asked why - tactfully say that when you started you realised it wasn't the right role for you but don't get drawn into saying anything negative. Making a fast decision to move on is unlikely to be held against you. I think most of us have been there at some point.

Why the need to belittle someones genuine upsetting experience , lucky you for being so indomitable.

I am sorry this is happening.
It happened to me from my direct line manager and I put up with it for 17 years before having a breakdown.
Your managers need to deal with this, especially as it is a known problem.

Just let them rant and not say a word. Just stare at them. When they stop ask are you done. Then take it down official channels when they leave the room.

This, from @BrokenWingsCantFly, is excellent advice in any ranting situation.

A debate is where you state your position, its consequences and the reasoning behind it. Usually explaining why the other position is flawed.

What OP describes isn't any of that.

Do people really confuse a debate with threats, aggression and refusal to do what's been asked? It's not that hard to understand the difference!

My 2 biggest regrets in my decades of working are:

1. Staying far too long in jobs that weren't worth the hassle.
2. Not replying "who the fuck do you think you're speaking to?" when people spoke to me in ways that went so far over the line.