Manager being so petty

[Whoopdedoop]

My manager has been on extended leave for a year, but she’s back now. I have had a great manager in the interim but now she’s back and I can feel my anxiety return.
The problem is that she is so incredibly petty, along the lines of:

Imagjne it’s ten past twelve. I say good morning and she makes a great song and dance “oh, is it still the morning? I hadn’t realised - that clock must be fast, can someone get it fixed please?”

Or I say misname someone and say Jack is in the stationery cupboard instead of saying James and I get “Jack? Jack? Who is Jack? I didn’t realise we had someone new - can you introduce me to him please?”

Or I say 2+2=5, and she says “5? Is it 5? Well, I had no idea - can you share your workings out please, I always thought it equalled 4,”

I realise this may make it sound as though I make a lot of mistakes but I don’t, she knows exactly what I mean, she’s just being nasty.

She does it with everyone, but I just can’t seem to brush it off. Before she left last year I spoke to our Employee Assistance Team as I couldn’t deal with it.

Any suggestions, please?

I would suggest you focus on your work and tune out when she comes up with one of these comments. I certainly would not complain to the EAT…

Her delivery would rile me, but in all those examples she's right. So I would put my energy into being more precise and not giving her anything to correct.

Your manager doesn’t want to be back to work - especially if she’s heard what a marvellous job her replacement did. I would just not engage with her. Don’t invite conversation. Only answer her questions and smile and nod at her bitterness. I suspect she will move on to another job soon. She sounds very unhappy.

Why not roll your eyes and say "You know what I mean Jan"

And then get on with your day?

You seriously spoke to EAT about it?

Could you manage to fake a laugh?

Might throw her and will cheer you up and remind you she is just being laughable.

i know the feeling its frustrating at times especially when they know what you mean

What’s wrong about speaking with the EAT? She upset me, so I contacted them to talk it through rather than run her down with my colleagues or report it to a senior manager. She is doing this in public and it’s ridiculous - everyone knows what we mean when we make silly mistakes. How is talking to the EAT a bad thing to do - that’s one of the things they are there for!

That’s exactly it - there are far more important things we are dealing with, it’s silly picking up on such small details.

i still dont understand why people do it and its even more annoying when your rushing or its urgent etc

but then if you snap and make a sharpe comment about being urgent then its a whole another kettle of fish

Who are they and what do they assist with?
it sounds like you’re the petty one rather than just ignoring

How am I being petty?

Youre not being petty, far better to have a bit of a moan to the employee assistance line and get it all out after all. That is what they are paid to listen to. Rather than let it fester.

I don’t mind it being picked up if I make a mistake, it’s the absolutely incredulous tone she uses.

A simple “Did you mean X?” would be fine, but there’s a whole song and dance about it.

That’s what I thought, thank you.

So she theatrically has a fit every time someone misspeaks in her presence? That is really obnoxious behaviour on her part. Perhaps try grey rocking her with the same few phrases every time. “If you say so, Laura.” “Is that so, Laura?” “You’ll have to ask someone else, Laura.” Bonus points if the phrase doesn’t quite fit the situation and highlights that she’s being brushed off because she’s an arsehole.

@ElizabethReeddon’t worry about the posters who don’t understand what an employee assistance team are. That’s what they’re there for. You did nothing wrong.

I've got a colleague like this. She does it to everyone and yes, everyone is annoyed by her, but she is also hardworking and good at her job so we just put up with it. I sometimes secretly flick Vs at her during virtual meetings.

I wouldn’t call it petty… more of an awkward sense of humour…

Thanks for clarifying. Do you feel able to say: there's no need for that. A simple did you mean x would suffice.

How much interaction do you have to have with her? Can you limit it in any way?

Why on earth would you say 2+2=5?! Or were you making a joke example there?

It sounds like it's just an irritating personality quirk of hers that she is very precise. Perhaps she's neurodivergent/ just can't help herself correcting people on these small things?

This sort of thing would wind me up too and I think it was a good idea to talk to the EAT to offload.

But really it sounds like it is just her character - unlikely something that will be resolved by you pointing it out - so you need to reframe it in your own mind to deal with it.

Acknowledge that she's not someone you like or would ever be friends with. That's OK. You just have to get through the work day.

As PP have said, can you try to be more precise with what you say to her as she is clearly very picky and it winds you up when she points out these small things?

Or when she does it, just inwardly roll your eyes and go "yes, that was what I meant" and then move on?

Some people just have annoying quirks and we have to muddle along with them.

Can you not just say something at the time @Whoopdedoop ? Along the lines of “do you have to say X whenever I say Y? Of course I know what I should have said and it is a bit demoralising”. Or have a quiet but polite chat and say perhaps she doesn’t realise she is doing it but it’s really demoralising?

I have family members who do this. There is high functioning autism in our family - detail oriented and perfectionist. It’s highly frustrating and tbh really negatively affected my self esteem and social confidence growing up. I became afraid to speak as my little speech errors would be picked up, commented on, and laughed at. To make things worse my partner does the same to me! He’s also neurodivergent.

I’ve become more assertive in saying how it upsets and triggers me when he does this and he needs to stop. He is getting better. He and my family are not doing it to be mean in any way. They genuinely can’t help it. It’s really just a poor form of communication/ attempt at humour.

It’s not right and your distress is valid but at the same time I don’t think you should read malice in it. See it as a social deficit of hers and stand up for yourself politely.