Unsure how to respond to HR

[firebrand123]

So HR told me my flexible working request has been refused. I asked to stay at my current number of office days rather than increase in line with the updated policy. In the meeting with HR I got quite upset as this impacts time with my children, which is already limited due to shared custody, but also my mum died in traumatic circumstances very recently and this tipped me over the edge.

The HR person has sent a short message to ask me how I am and to let them know if they can support me. I have no idea how to reply. The honest answer is I'm not ok. I'm struggling to cope with mum's death and everything that goes with it, my dad died at the start of 2025 so I'm still processing that, and facing extra time in the office just feels too much, it's the final straw. I am already getting counselling. The only thing work could do is grant my flexible working request, which they've made it clear they won't do.

At the same time, I don't want to be rude and continue to ignore the message because I don't know how to respond. I feel a bit pathetic for asking, but can anyone give me some idea of what I could say by way of reply without getting emotional again?

Just editing to add I actually enjoy my job and working has helped me as I process my grief and trauma, I'd be no good if I got signed off so am not contemplating that at all. I'm also the main breadwinner in my home, my partner earns half what I do, so I can't cut my hours or anything.

Sorry for your loss. Could you email and request a reasonable adjustment to continue your current arrangement for a fixed period of time to then be reviewed?
You could outline your reasons and ask for consideration of your circumstances and mental health currently.

Hi have you used up all the leave you have for bereavement leave? Do you have any counselling services or ask for a referral to occupational health to see if they can make temporary revisions to WFH until you are mentally in a better place? I don’t have the answers as most organisations are insisting returns to office is they have one. Only other option is to look for another job.

I am not clear from your OP if you want ideas for a message which asks again to retain your current WFH arrangements, if so, I suggest this -

Thank you, HR person, for your message. As you can tell I am struggling with the impact of my Mum's recent bereavement. This, together with the loss of my Dad last year and the day to day pressures of raising children has put a real strain on my Mental Health. I appreciate the companies aspiration for staff to be in the office X days but it would be incredibly helpful for me to retain my current arrangements even in the short term. Is that possible? I am very happy to be supportive of the new attendance rules in the longer term.

(You could be specific about time frames if you wanted. ie stay on the current set up for 6 months or to the end of the year, depending on what seemed feasible. You could always job hunt in that time for a role with more WFH time if being in the office more doesn't seem realistic long term.)

If you just want a message back but not to specifically ask again, you could say -

Thank you, HR person, for your message. As you can tell I am struggling with the impact of my Mum's recent bereavement. This, together with the loss of my Dad last year and the day to day pressures of raising children has put a real strain on my Mental Health. I am already receiving counselling. The only thing that would genuinely help me is being able to retain my WFH arrangements but I appreciate you reaching out nevertheless.

Thanks everyone.

For clarity as I know my post is a bit unclear, as I submitted a formal flexible working request which was rejected, I have 14 days to appeal. What I'm really looking for advice on is how best to reply to the HR person's message checking in on me, separate to the flexible working request process. @2026Y your second suggestion there is along the lines of something I'd thought of saying, but you've worded much better than I would have, thank you.

Glad to have helped a little. I am very sorry for your loss

Sorry for your loss OP.

Is it worth when you appeal suggesting some other formats that's might work. E.g willing to be in the office for the required amount of days but would like to work around school pick up / drop off and do the extra hours after?

Perhaps also worth adding stress and burn out, commuting times etc if you didn't before. When did you join the workplace, pre or post Covid? What does that your contract say?

For what it's worth it's relatively easy to get a doctors note for a couple of weeks off work. I would suggest speaking to your GP if you are still grieving and finding this all too much.

@Buttercream101 I have a long commute so adjusting my working day isn't really practical as I worked out I'd have about 4 hours to make up later in the week and with the long journey and being perimenopausal, I'm always exhausted and don't actually have time to fit extra hours in. My contract is a standard one so I'm bound by the hybrid working policy.

You have set out your feelings very factually and reasonably in your posts OP.

I would take a very similar approach to the previous poster but I would also add your sentence about how work has helped:

I enjoy my job and working has provded respite as I process my grief. I do not need or wish to work less, but remaining on my current working pattern would have afforded me some short term stability and flexibility to get both me and my family though a difficult period.

And thank them for their concern for your welfare. And appeal.

Good luck Op. I suppose if they start granting exemptions, to them it feels like a slippery slope, but it sounds like this is a short term reasonable adjustment to get you through some very difficult circumstances.

Thanks @BackIn20 , I'm going to send a message that's a sort of blend of yours and the other respondent's suggestion. And try to summon up the energy for the appeals process, while I'm in the midst of trying to sort mum's estate, etc (I'm an only child)

Quick proofread for you:
"my recent bereavement" or "the recent death of my mum" (the original wording sounds like your mum lost a loved one").
"mental health" not "Mental Health".
I had a flexible working request refused (boss said I couldn't work the hours I wanted because "everyone else works longer hours" even though it would be impossible for me to stay any later because of the hours that the actual workplace nursery is open). I went into a second meeting with a union caseworker who pointed out that "flexible working is exactly that, a change from the norm". And I got my set hours.

Thanks. I've sent a reply. In just couldn't get my thoughts together so really appreciate everyone's input.

I'm a bit confused, for a start if you have submitted a flexible work request it should be heard, considered and decided upon by your line manager, HR shouldn't be making these decisions. Additionally, their policy on WFH isn't the main policy which should be used here, you've made a statutory flexible work request that has laws governing how it is handled and this should be detailed in a separate Flexible working policy. There are only certain business reasons they can use to decline your request and these should have been detailed to you in writing. What did they say on their letter? https://www.acas.org.uk/statutory-flexible-working-requests

Good luck @firebrand123

For what it's worth I think in any appeal it's worth mentioning your commute. You can say it's the change in policy which isn't viable due to the distance and exhaustion caused by commuting.

Ask for a referral with Occupational Health to discuss your mental health issues. They can support you by recommending that your work pattern stays the same and any other reasonable adjustment. Also don't hesitate to get some sick leave if you are not coping. You don't want to reach a point where you have a breakdown

What are the reasons for it being declined ? I work in HR and there’s only 8 reasons and if you have already been doing it at home with no impact then I can’t see how it’s justifiable

@lalalalalala2024 @Tigger18 the letter they sent me rejecting my request is long and repetitive but essentially their reasoning is they need to apply their policy consistently and making exceptions undermines it, they believe there will be detriment from not increasing my days as I won't be able to collaborate as they expect and they've also cited that I have line management responsibilities. I manage one person although my job title, description and pay were never updated when I inherited them.olus they're very independent and an experienced professional who needs no supervision as such, I have around 2 hours of meetings per day so loads of spare time for any additional collaboration and I average about 2 face to face meetings per month outside of catch ups with my team. All my feedback has been excellent. But, I feel they'll keep on about this theoretical detriment to the company.

We don't have an occupational health team 😕

Not many companies do. But they may work with providers of occupational health services. My employer does so but you wouldn't know unless you were referred.

It’s not the enployer’s issue where the OP decided to live.

I’m in HR and currently trying to explain to an employee that their choice to move 4 hours from their contractual location does not put an onus on us to accommodate a reduction in office days because of their commute. We didn’t make them sell up and move away, and the in office requirements haven’t changed for 5 years. (2 days per week)

They’ve submitted mitigations (they think) to every one of the reasons we can turn it down, including requesting “reasonable adjustments” (there is no disability) in light of the “”mitigating circumstances” (there are none) but the point is they chose to cash in and buy a big house at the other end of the country which isn’t our problem!

Of course it can be justifiable.

I’m sorry for your losses, OP, but based on what you have said, I’m not sure what grounds for appeal you have.

Sorry for your loss OP.

As harsh as this will sound, it is not your employer's role to facilitate you having time with your children because of a shared custody arrangement. Your commute also isn't their problem.

You may have more success appealing and asking for a temporary reprieve on increased office days due to the impact of your recent bereavement on your physical and mental health. Most places don't have an internal OH team, it'll outsourced to an external provider, so you can ask to be referred for an assessment and look at reasonable adjustments.

Ignore posters saying your reasons for requesting aren't enough. Anyone can request flexible working!
In your appeal, focus on explaining why the reasons they've given for rejecting aren't valid in your circumstances - evidence that you already collaborate well, your direct report is very independent etc. if your job description doesn't actually specify line management, mention this.
Do mention your personal circumstances in your appeal, but try to focus mostly on how your flexible working would not adversely affect (and could even benefit the business - e.g. improved productivity due to better mental health, less fatigue and actually feeling supported by your employer).

Sorry you're having a hard time

Perhaps start looking for another job - I understand the enormous value of Flexi working.

all the best and would chatgpt help ?