Struggling with DH’s redundancy

[Gettingonabitnow]

Hi. DH is late 40’s and being made redundant from a public sector role. It’s quite niche and his cv isn’t travelling well in the private sector. Roles are coming up around once every six months in the public sector for which he’s getting interviews but not quite securing due to the overwhelming competition.

The whole situation is consuming me and I’m really struggling. He’s quite resilient and is taking it well but I know deep down it’s killing him. The first thing I do when I wake up is look for jobs for him and it’s the last thing I think about at night. Our lives are on hold.

Strangely it something I don’t want to talk to my friends about, not that I have that many these days.

If you’ve been through similar how have you coped? X

My husband was made redundant during covid, from a sector that took a huge hit. He knew he wasn't realistically going to get anything for a period of time that would deskilling him in employers eyes.

He was a fairly high earner. Taking "any job" was 1) not really an option - I've been the person shortlisting for entry level roles and the applications that say "I've managed £10 million commercial projects successfully so I can definitely do basic admin" don't compare well to the recent graduate who can tell me about volunteering doing basic admin and 2) not honestly going to make a meaningful impact to our finances.

The first step is accepting that that stage of his career might be gone. Then you look at what is possible with your lifestyle- we made a really strict budget to give ourselves time, replaced the cars with one cheap old one, made whatever cuts we could. Then we looked at what compromises we could make for him to get the right job (moving, working away during the week etc). The jobs weren't anywhere.

Then we looked at what him being at home changed for my career and I took a significant step up. Finally he worked out what else he'd want to do and did a masters to requalify. He had about 3 years of more junior roles (earning about half what he did before) and then got his aimed for job 18 months ago.

Are there any contract types roles he could look at? A few people I know who have faced redundancy in their 40s have gone to contracting in their field.

I sympathise, DH has had a a bit of a rollercoaster with contracts and some perm roles that didn't work out since his 40s (in his 50s now), and one period two years ago when he couldn't even get a callback from an agent, let alone a job interview, for 9 months.

It is happening to a lot of people but there are paths out, though it may take some time. Wishing him good luck.

OP you need to set some boundaries for your own mental health. Can you allocate one hour a day to look at jobs and worrying. I don’t think you can realistically say don’t look any more as you sound like me you will want to. When you aren’t in that hour you have to say tomorrow is a new day and I have already worried enough today.

Is this his dream role, has he ever considered any other profession? If he has this might also be the time to look into that. There is normally quite a lot of movement this time of year job wise as people hand their notice in after Christmas going back to work and thinking this is rubbish I’ve had enough.

It’s very tough right now, I’ve been looking 7 months and not found anything.

It’s so competitive and a buyers market they want everything and more you need to tick every requirement and some.

Temp jobs are not that easy to just pick up I’ve tried that.

Doing a lower level role isn’t always an option I tried that too and the recruiter said no he would not put me forward as I’d leave when a better job came along. I put my case and ended up feeling deflated and upset my MH had taken a battering. It’s almost akin to begging for a job and still getting kicked…

Just a thought..if you are looking for jobs for him first thing every day you could be undermining his confidence.Sending a subliminal message you don’t believe in him. Don’t cross the line between trying to help and taking over

@ilovebrie8DH was the same and after initially just searching for jobs in his field he decided on lower skilled jobs to pay the bills whilst still searching in his field such as factory and shop jobs etc but didn’t even hear back from them. That’s the issue, even jobs to “tide you over” aren’t available at the moment. Good luck and hope you find something soon 🤞.

Maybe he isn’t ‘relaxed’? My DH was made redundant last year at the age of 62. He ended up with severe depression as he felt absolutely useless but couldn’t admit it to me let alone anyone else. I ended up continuing to work although I was planning on fully retiring last August. We have adjusted our finances and he is now officially retired with no pension until he is 67. That’s ok though because I’d rather have a present husband than one who thinks about ending his life - which he did consider.

I wouldn’t wish it on anyone I’m in my mid 50s and feel on the scrap heap…and my MH is shot to pieces.
I’d say carry on being supportive it’s a horrible situation to be in…he’s probably in a state of despair.

If he has niche skills could he consider starting his own business?

We had this too - DP works in a fairly niche role, well paid, and was made redundant just before Covid. The timing was terrible, and it took a year for him to find a job. He was applying for jobs in places like Tesco and Burger King to “get by” (as well as suitable roles) but I think posters who are suggesting this have maybe not been through it because these jobs do not want a 49 year old man with a degree who is used to earning £60K!

It was absolutely stressful AF, and while we can manage on just my salary it really took its toll on both of us (the pandemic situ obviously did not help). I hope things work out, OP, it’s really tough.

It’s awful. I was made redundant at 54 at the height of lockdown. I’m a single parent. I had to take what I could to keep the roof over our heads. When I finally got a job that paid a decent salary I sobbed with relief. There are jobs out there, you’re not on the scrap heap. You just have to be applying for jobs every day. I applied for over 100 jobs. I got 3 interviews in 8 months. It’s hard but you just have to keep going as 67 is still a long way off! Good luck.

I was made redundant last year after lengthy PIP process which was a real head fuck. Looking back they were trying to demote me and a colleague but I was eventually laid off and my colleague put in a grievance then was soon out the door with a settlement. I had been looking for jobs anyway but I kept thinking what if as I was the main breadwinner and we have a lot of outgoings. I kept applying but also thinking on the back of my head what I could do. Luckily I got a job quickly but it’s always in the back of my mind as this new company is notorious for sacking people if they don’t think they’re up to the job. I’m less nervous now as I have pension to fall back on but I’m not at pensionable age yet! It will all work out one way or another!

The problem is that the longer he stays out of work, the more difficult it gets.
Rejection after rejection impacts self esteem and resilience.
Prospective employers start asking what you’ve been doing.
you become less marketable.

He should take any job while he applies.
we’ve been through it and my db went through it as well. In both cases, they took any job and in both cases, they were a stepping stone to good jobs.

Posters saying he should get any job for now..I agree but he still has to be successful in getting “any job”. Competition is fierce for all jobs at the moment. I would stay away form Indeed etc for the “any jobs” and do some good old fashioned ringing around and door knocking.

Agree with @Sidebeforeself
these “any jobs” just aren’t there and if they are so many other people are going for them too. They will go to people who’s cv reflects that they have experience in these roles and look like they are planning on staying and not to someone who’s way over qualified with zero experience just looking for a stop gap to pay the bills until something better comes along.

I disagree that there are no jobs out there. As I said upthread, there are the not so nice jobs. People fall into the trap of thinking they’re too good for cleaning or gardening or caring. You do what you have to do to survive. He’d have to do this if he was on his own.

DBIL was in this position. He’s now a bus driver and loves it. Little stress and not bad money (around £35K and lots of overtime).