Can no longer do work travel - now what?

[CarryMeHome56]

I have a good career, I have reached a comfortable salary and mostly enjoy what I do, I appreciate how lucky I am.

However, the kind of job I do always requires some level of work travel (2-3 nights at a time).

In my current job, I travel about 4 or 5 times a year which is really as little as it gets. I have been looking around for other opportunities (as I think redundancy is looming in a few months) and they all require a lot more travel (sometimes job spec even says up to 50%!).

Unfortunately I just don't want to do the travelling anymore, I am finding it increasingly hard to cope. I developed anxiety and contamination OCD after DC were born and it makes travelling horrendous. It has gotten out of control and is absolutely exhausting.

I also just don't want to be away from DC. Everyone ultimately manages, but I much prefer being with them. DH said that DS (4) took a picture of me to bed and sobbed when I was away last time. He is usually a happy and resilient little thing so that was a surprise.

I feel stuck - the only jobs I can get and am experienced for require travelling so what will I do when I lose my current job?

I am the main earner so I feel a huge pressure too, I can't just give up or do something totally different/lower paid.

It is probably my anxiety talking but I feel like I am going to be jobless in a couple of months and our options will be having no money, or taking a job that requires constant travelling. I am not qualified for anything else, and panicking.

I don't think there is any answer to be honest, but maybe someone has an idea!

I think you need to find a way to make peace with being away for 2-3 nights 4 or 5 times a year. It’s really not that much

of course your kids miss you when you’re away, especially if it’s a change to the norm, but I promise it’s not harming them in any way. Make sure you have good quality time with them when you get back and bring exciting gifts.

What is your current job?

Your title says "can no longer do" but your post says "don't want to do"

Which is 2 different things. Nobody loves travel, but if you want to stay in this kind of job you have to accept that there will be travel. Or you find a job that doesn't require you to travel.

If your job situation will change then so must your home situation

Can your DH pick up any more work to fill the gap?

Have you had any treatment for your ocd? Sounds like you're really struggling.

I just came onto say that your DH sounds like a bit of a dick to tell you something like that. It’s classic undermining behaviour. You’re the main earner and so you have to occasionally travel, but he’s going to make you feel so guilty for it so you get no joy out of the trip whatsoever.

Aside from that, it sounds like the best thing you can do is get your anxiety/ocd under control as that will hold you back in lots of ways that aren’t just travel.

Would something like OCD just take a different form if you stopped traveling? I think you might want to look at therapy to manage that anyway, since that can be so damaging and you say it's escalating.
I travel for work. Yes, the DC missed me when they were little (and they still do I suppose, but they're teens now) . They also bond more with DH, do different things together than they seem to when I'm around, and I really do not think it is or ever was bad for them.
Try to get help for your mh. That's really not a lot of travel. You can keep a look out for other jobs but a new one might have some other aspect that triggers your mh issues..

Get treatment for your illness. It’s perfectly possible to manage it, difficult, but with the right help it isn’t permanent.

Or you do something else. I don’t believe you have zero transferable skills.

I am a consultant who was recently made redundant (alongside the rest of the company). My role was remote and part time with very occasional travel. I thought I had absolutely no chance of finding something that allowed me to stay both remote and part-time.

Within two weeks I'd landed an incredible job where I will learn loads. Officially the role is hybrid and full-time and they were a bit nervous when they realised where I lived. But I never let the on paper terms stop me in the application or interview and we've come up with a great deal where I will be remote, with travel when necessary (fine by me) and part time.

So I have two points:

1. Worrying about hypotheticals is not useful at this point. You might not be made redundant. I would suggest you get prepared now, CV up to date, networking conversations etc as it's easier now than when you are stressed.

1. Apply for the roles, have the conversations. Don't say what you are and aren't willing to do upfront. See how things play out. If they like you they may make accomodations. Even if they don't, quite often the idea of change is far worse than the reality of it.

In the meantime, are you getting some help / doing practical things about your anxiety?

What kind of job is it? It’s hard to advise on alternatives wiithout knowing.

Get treatment for your MH
Or

Find work in another area which doesn't require travel....supermarkets often need staff.
Or

However if you want to keep your salary as is, get treatment for your MH

DH is an absolute twat, but I expect that you know that

Both you and your children need to learn to be without each other especially as they are left with DH. It’s not as if you are going away for weeks at a time. Your job as a parent is to enable DC to be independent,

You need to get help for your OCD. That is no way to live and your DC will definitely pick up on it.
Your DH needs to stop being such a knob and telling you things like that to make you feel guilty. He should shield you from that IMO.
He needs to stop encouraging such sentimentality in your child and to teach him to miss you in a healthy way (drawing a nice picture or card to give mummy when she is back, buying mummy's favourite food for when she's back, having some daddy-son bonding time not encouraging him to pour over photos sobbing ffs).

50% away is a lot. I know, I used to do it. I wouldn't go back there again. If that's all that would be on offer if you are made redundant, then your DH needs to earn more so you can earn less, or you need to make peace with such a lot of travel.

I found travelling was making me ill, so I retrained, but I now earn a third of what I did before. You get paid well for a heavy on the road job for a reason - not many people want to do it. It's shit.

If you are the main earner and need to continue earning at that level you are going to have to make this work.

"I don't wan't to be away from my kids" -- you need to suck it up. Everyone will survive (and long term might protect you from becoming full time default parent for everything all the time).

The OCD stuff: see if you can access some therapy to help contain that a bit / give you strategies. It's something you need to address regardless of travel and work.

I travel for work one week in every four and have done since DC were first at school. I hate travel and am ND and it nearly kills me every time (it takes me a week before I feel normal again). BUT it's the trade off for the other things that are good about my job.

I don't mean to be unsympathetic.

Some people find that they really truly can't travel for work. At that point it sounds like your whole family will need to make adjustments, particularly around living costs and ?housing? in order to accommodate no longer relying on your current income.

I agree. I was working away and DH made pains to tell me everything was great back home. I’m sure he glossed over a couple of bumps but made sure I didn’t fret about not being around.

Go see your GP and ask for medication to treat your anxiety. It isn’t a simple fix for everyone, but it is a simple fix for many people.

I was nervous about asking my GP for help, but she could not have been more understanding.

You can travel. You are not disabled. You have a good support system at home. Your children will see their mother succeeding in her career which is a wonderful example to set for them.

Try addressing your anxiety. If that doesn’t work, then you can reevaluate.

Have you talked to your husband about the level of detail you want to hear?

I think other commenters here are maybe being too harsh. I have to travel 4-6 weeks a year, and I personally prefer to know how my kids are doing without me. It could be that your husband just hasn´t understood your preferences.

Find a career coach who can help you identify the transferable skills you have from your current role and can help you consider other non-travelling roles you might not have thought about on your own. Your employer might link you with someone as part of your redundancy package but I’d be inclined to look now and have some ideas in your back pocket.

Fortunately, you have time to try some different strategies to help with your MH issues before you get made redundant (which may not even happen).

Do some research and try some different solutions. 🤞 for you.

Why is the DH getting shit? Should he keep secrets about their from the OP?

A lot of people replying clearly didn't read the OP properly. OP is saying she can just about cope with the current fairly small amount of travel, it's the fact she's likely to need to change jobs to one that's up to 50% travel that's causing the anxiety.

OP, I think 50% travel is a lot and, OCD or not, I think most parents of little ones would find it tough.

I do think getting some therapy for your OCD would be a good idea regardless. As someone else said, even if you never had to travel again, itoght just change your focus to something else. I had a bout of anxiety/severe imposter syndrome/panic attacks about work several years ago and I found CBT really helpful. Whenever I've felt anxious about anything since I automatically put the techniques into practice and manage it really well.

In terms of the job, it's difficult to advise without knowing what both your roles/ salaries are. Bit ot sounds like you can't really see the wood for the trees at the moment so I'd start by making a list of the options, then going through the pros and cons and whether they're actually feasible/achievable. e.g.

1. Stay where you are:
   How likely is it that you will be made redundant? If it doesn't happen, it sounds like staying in your current role and trying to work on the OCD is your best bet. But even if you do keep the job I would still start making contingency plans in case you need to find a new job in the future

2. Find a new role in same field with less travel:
   Something may come up? Or could you negotiate less travel? If you're travelling for meetings could more be done over video call? Saves the business money and more environmentally friendly too. Appreciate if you're delivering training or something this may be more difficult

3. Find a new job with lots of travel:
   Plenty of parents do manage it. DC will soon get used to it. As long as DH is willing to properly step up, it could actually be good for your family in some ways as so often mum ends up the default parent.

4. Sideways career move:
   Any transferrable skills that might enable you to get a different role at a similar rate of pay?

5. Lower paid role doing something totally different:
   a) how much do you both earn currently?
   b) how much would you likely earn in new job?
   c) would the pay cut mean e.g. fewer holidays and treats - and if so how important is that to you?
   d) or would it be mean struggling each month?

6. DH increasing his earnings:
   This is often easier said than done of course but have you explored the possibility of him getting a payrise or promotion, changing companies or changing career and could that allow you to step back in your career?

Lots to think about - good luck with it all!

Thank you all. Indeed I appreciate 4 times a year isn't a lot of travel, but it is the level of travel in my next job potentially that I am worried about.

Seeking help for the OCD either way is a no brainer but I just don't have much hope. I have tried CBt and therapy at various points to no avail. It may have to be medication, but it seems overkill to take daily medication when I mostly cope fine outside those few days a year.

@LittleRoom thanks for laying this out clearly, it has given me food for thought. Indeed I was just panicking and trying to solve everything at once and just getting more overwhelmed. I need to think things through clearly.

Re: DH, he actually never mentioned this when I was away, just mentioned it in passing a few days later, and I do want to know how the kids do to be fair.

@Muststopeating I also work remotely and feel like the likelihood of finding another remote position with such little overseas travel is about zero. Good to hear I may still get the flexibility if the match is right.

@Thaawtsom well done for doing it despite struggling with it, I'm in awe! I also take a long time when I come back before the anxiety slows back down to normal levels. I also start getting anxious a couple of weeks in the lead up, so I lose the best part of a month each time.

@Ponderingwindow "Your children will see their mother succeeding in her career which is a wonderful example to set for them." This has reminded me how much I used to love my job and how proud I was of my achievements. I definitely want to set that example to my kids. I'm not sure at what point I lost my way.

Beyond the travel/OCD issue, I also wonder if I'm having some kind of midlife career crisis. After 20 years of working hard and doing the same thing, I struggle to care. Those business conversations just don't excite me anymore. It doesn't feel like me anymore.

DH could earn more by taking a job in the city, he's not massively ambitious and needed to keep the flexibility for when I am away, so we have just kept plodding along. I did the daily 3 hours commute for years, included when DC was newborn. Maybe it's time we switch, I take a step back while he gets to the next level in his career.

I agree that travelling 50% of the time is really a lot (i used to do something like that for a couple of years), and it's not unreasonable to want to cut back work travel when you have kids. 2 years ago I retrained in a area where the entry job usually involves a lot of travel. I managed to avoid that, find a job then climb up the career ladder without having to do any travel, but that meant doing some sacrifices and working extra hard in my other role. Having transferable skills and experience helped. I agree with the advice to get the help of a career coach/ do your research to find which role you could do that doesn't involve that much travelling. Do it now before you are made redundant so that you have enough time to plan ahead. Think hard and discuss with your husband what sacrifices you are prepared to make.

Agreed. He didn't need to tell you that, at all.