I’m too nice as a manager

[Changedmanamejustincase]

Hey all, I’m after some advice please. I was promoted last year to admin manager of a planning department, managing a small department of 4 people. The team were happy for me being promoted and told me to go for the job, myself and another are full time and the other three are part time.

The job itself is good and I receive good feedback.

i just feel I am not strong enough to manage two of them (one full timer and one part timer) due to the fact that they both take the mick/bully me/gang up on me and i feel stupid raising this. They laugh at me and try and humiliate me in front of people in the office.

Things got out of hand today where they moved my chair and put rubbish on my desk, I burst out crying as it’s been building for a while, of course they tried to be nice but turned it on me asking if I feel better now towards the end of the day. I just don’t get it because I am fair and haven’t done anything to offend them.

the two others are great and respect me.

how can I overcome this without raising it?

Why don’t you raise it though? They’re not going to magically change and stop

Why don’t you just stand up to them? They’re bullying you.

’This behaviour is unprofessional in the workplace’ Thwn give them a warning.

It’ll carry on unless you stop it.

You've been encouraged into the role cause they know you'll let them walk over you, give them a warning and be firm

You speak to them in a 1-1 situation and hold them to account. You’re the manager, set the boundaries and if they don’t like it they can leave. You say “you may not be aware how you are coming across so I’m going to be very clear, your behaviour is bullying and I won’t tolerate that in our team. I want you to consider your actions and reflect on why you felt your behaviour would ever be okay in any workplace. I don’t want to waste any more time on it other than to say, today we draw a line and move forward. Do you need any clarification?”

You stay professional, calm, but clear. You can go and have a cry after but hold it together for the meeting. Space them out so you do one a day (yes they’ll likely talk but let them sweat).

I’ll add that I’m a “nice” boss - I’ll have my team’s back even when they make mistakes (they’re human), I’ll be flexible around family life but I expect respect and hard work in return. I’ve had some try to take the piss (like trying to tell me they had 3 weeks lieu time saved up? Er nope, you don’t deliberately work an extra 30 minutes a day without mentioning it then claim it back (no flexi agreed). They can hate you so long as they are professional in work.

I suffered from this terribly at first as a manager. Promotion up from peers to leadership of your previous teams is incredibly hard as a first time manager.

But today needs to be a turning point.

Go through all of your policies and procedures. Focus on respect and dignity in the work place ones first along with professional conduct.

Then draft an email to both them outlining what happened today and that their behaviour didnt align with those policies.

Start to document every meeting with them and send round up emails following every single one. Outlining the agreed asks and deliverables.

Be explicitly clear on everything you instruct them and expect them to do.

You need to take back control of the team.

You need to pull them into a meeting and tell them that their behaviour is inappropriate and if continues they could face formal action. You need to come down hard on them.

Go to HR and ask for their help. They should step you through how to handle this, which may include joining you in the meeting or providing you with a script.

Not everyone is cut out to manage people, but also most people do need support if they've not managed a team before. It's not as easy as it looks.

You need to act upon it, and if not for you for your other team members as I can't imagine that they are not having to do extra to cover for the other 2. I have had experience of a manager who let one team member run rings around her and that did impact negatively on the rest of the team.

Havent RTFT.

Their behaviour is unacceptable choldish and crosses a line

You need to take action...

Agree with @Whatado about documenting it in email (chatgpt can help)
I always like the phrase "this is not acceptable behaviour in the workplace"
I'd set up a meeting to loop HR in today too (explain its time sensitive)

Some thoughts

1. Most people are totally unprepared for people management and take a long time to adjust and find their feet so dont be hard on yourself.
2. I'd talk to your line manager and seek guidance on next steps. I'd imagine the advice will be something like...you need a 1:1 to sit with each of the reports to outline what about their behaviour is problematic, spell out expected behaviours and consequences of continuing as they are... your manager may join you for this meeting and you lead and they "reinforce the message". If it's ineffective I wouldn't hesitate to involve HR.
3. I'd also look to try and find a mentor (someone more senior in an adjacent team in the company) for more general advice
4. Start reading up on it. i recommend radical candour and also I like a blog called askamanager.

You really need to ask a fellow manager to give them a recorded conversation. If that happens again, they can face disciplinary action. It’s inappropriate to do this yourself as you are involved, but this toxic office ‘banter’ needs to be addressed formally otherwise it’ll never stop. And you’ll be seen as the ‘girl who can’t take it’ as opposed to the behaviour being unacceptable.

I don't think that is very good advice @TY78910 - OP needs to handle this herself. @TeenLifeMum nails it in her post.

Have a look at Miss Claire Benjamin on instagram. She has a lot of helpful and encouraging advice for work issues just like this.

But yes you do need to formalise their latest bullying, and follow up with a warning and your expectations for change.

You can do this.

IMO if she raises this herself, it can turn the other way. The employees can turn around and say she’s the one antagonising, picking on them, writing them up. If you get someone else to mediate or handle the process, you’re bringing in an independent party to investigate the circumstances and give an outcome based on their findings.

Hmm, I don't agree. If she brings in someone else right from the beginning, she's going to look weak. Managers need to learn to have difficult conversations and not to put them off!

HR/mediation could be brought in if there are disputes, but better to try and nip things in the bud and show her staff she can discipline effectively without help.

@TheSmallAssassin I agree if she had addressed it from the start. In the OP she says they mock her, make jokes in front of the office - that should have been addressed from the start and those conversations should have been had to squash it. At this point, it’s too far gone. Dumping rubbish on someone’s desk and doing something to their chair - that’s no small misbehaviour.

Going forward, are there any courses you can take for management skills?

I work for local government and when I became a manager I looked up all courses available to me, in person or online.
One was about having difficult conversations

She needs to have the initial meeting and take notes throughout. This will hopefully nip it in the bud. Bringing hr in will naturally escalate so for op’s mental health, she’ll feel far better if she can at least see she tried.

Get a back bone or step down. Report the horrible shits.

Put them on a PIP and put in goals about maintaining professionalism at all times. Also don’t shy away from difficult conversations and if it continues put in a grievance for insubordination

Without raising it??

Are you off your actual tits?

Why on earth wouldn't you get this bullying stamped out immediately?

Would you sit by and watch them do that to anyone else in the team?

Things got out of hand today where they moved my chair and put rubbish on my desk, I burst out crying as it’s been building for a while, of course they tried to be nice but turned it on me asking if I feel better now towards the end of the day. I just don’t get it because I am fair and haven’t done anything to offend them.

Reading this my reaction is “seriously WTF?!” I would have read them the riot act whether I was their manager or not. Why are you being so soft?

They don’t need to like you and you don’t need their sympathy

Get HR support or input from another manager if you need to role play or have an audience for the discussion - I do understand where a PP is coming from - some orgs are so toxic that people would turn it around on you. If you have that setup then you need to defensively drive here

What they are doing would be serious in my org - it’s such dumb behaviour I can’t actually imagine anyone being that stupid to be honest

In a more straightforward org - Would go straight to a discussion on professionalism and inappropriate behaviour and do they understand / are they able to change else these are the potential next steps - PIP / exit etc

I've had this happen to me when I was a 'junior' from someone 'senior' to me. She escalated things to the point she was pushing her chair over my foot as I walked past etc and work started going missing when I knew I had completed it. You need to tackle this as a manager telling them that this is inappropriate behaviour for the workplace, they're not at school to 'gang up' on another person. My manager at the time immediately put the other person on a warning and then recorded it with HR. If you need another person in the room to record your meeting then please ask another manager as this is behaviour against you. You'll also need to record the incident in writing.
This is bullying pure and simple and needs to be recorded as that.

You are being bullied at work, you need to inform your own line manager about this as and use the word bullying, don't let it be played down. You do also need to speak to the culprits and say bullying won't be tolerated, look at your organisation's policy on what further steps you should take. Good luck.

Have you been on management training?