I’m too nice as a manager

[Changedmanamejustincase]

Hey all, I’m after some advice please. I was promoted last year to admin manager of a planning department, managing a small department of 4 people. The team were happy for me being promoted and told me to go for the job, myself and another are full time and the other three are part time.

The job itself is good and I receive good feedback.

i just feel I am not strong enough to manage two of them (one full timer and one part timer) due to the fact that they both take the mick/bully me/gang up on me and i feel stupid raising this. They laugh at me and try and humiliate me in front of people in the office.

Things got out of hand today where they moved my chair and put rubbish on my desk, I burst out crying as it’s been building for a while, of course they tried to be nice but turned it on me asking if I feel better now towards the end of the day. I just don’t get it because I am fair and haven’t done anything to offend them.

the two others are great and respect me.

how can I overcome this without raising it?

Thanks you’re right I have no back bone, don’t know how to be stronger. They were whispering when I walked out the office yesterday and could hear them laughing. I am a doormat and am pathetic.

How new are you to the role OP? Over time you learn how to adapt to those situations and even become desensitised to the behaviours. When I started out I didn’t have the bottle to do / say things I do now on a daily basis. Everyone has to start somewhere. However there is no shame in also admitting if the role is not for you - take a breather and try to handle it. Leadership isn’t just about pulling rank but you need to build relationships first. Plenty of courses and books about this. It comes naturally to some, others need to work for it. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Best of luck

Stop. It. You’ve had so much good advice here, you can literally use as a script. Call them each into a 1-1 meeting. Use the script and say if things don’t change then it will be escalated. Seek counselling (has your workplace got a service?) if you really can’t get it together

And don’t be afraid to seek support from line manager. There is training in difficult conversations, confidence building etc. see if budget for some training.

Talk to your line manager and HR about 1)the issues you’re having with this team and 2)getting some assertiveness training, and ideally some leadership training too.

Their behaviour is unacceptable regardless of your role. Whispering and laughing about a colleague is bullying.

To be honest you’ve had some shit advice on this thread. I’d say the majority of it you can ignore.

Rule number one before doing anything is - do you have support from your own management in this?

Because essentially they are going to have to arbitrate between you and your direct reports, which will come across as: you vs your team. I shouldn’t have to spell out, that it’s not a good look for managers to not have the buy in of their team regardless of the reason. It will become a you vs them scenario. If your own management aren’t going to back you, you simply can’t win this.

so to me, immediately you need to see what your own management think and the extent to which they will support you. Before you go reading the riot act, sending informal emails, getting HR involved. If it comes down to it and the business is going to support you in performance management, all the way through to potential PIPs and dismissals - go ahead. But I suspect, your boss will want you to not rock the boat or else your own position is on borrowed time.

@Changedmanamejustincase that is a horrible incident. Although you might feel ashamed, bursting into tears actually showed them how far they had gone with their childish bullying - that's why they were being nice to you because they know they've gone too far.

Talk to your LM, talk to HR. This incident needs to be treated seriously as misconduct.

Then, get help/ training from your LM in leading teams. It is difficult stepping up from being peers to being their manager. Maybe there will have to be further disciplinary action or PIPs but first get this incident on their records.

Ironically this is perhaps the most “shit advice on this thread”.

The OP is clearly upset and finding this situation difficult so implying that if she speaks to her management or HR for advice it will end up as a “her or them” situation with her “own position on borrowed advice” is thoughtless, cruel and quite frankly batshit.

@Changedmanamejustincase please stop beating yourself up. You sound like a lovely caring person and wouldn’t have been promoted to a manager if you weren’t capable and/or good at your job. Some of us are naturally assertive and some of us aren’t. You aren’t. But you can learn. You can still be a nice person AND be assertive. It isn’t a case of either or. Have a chat with your manager tomorrow and go from there. It doesn’t have to be anything formal. You can just say you need their advice on how to tackle this and explain what’s happening. That’s what managers are for!

Failing that (or in addition to that), I’d suggest you trot out the famous MN classic next time something like this happens “did you mean to be so rude?!”

Sending you big hugs. Hang in there. It will get better.

Actually, that’s your own shit reading comprehension. Get your facts right before quoting others!

I said OP needs speak to her own manager and see what they will support BEFORE anything else. If her own line manager isn’t going to advocate for her, HR isn’t going to either. You must be very inexperienced and shit yourself, if that is a novel concept. Not all managers are going to be supportive of rocking the boat, which is what OP is going to do by following half of the advice here. If OP’s manager is more supportive of the team than her, it likely will inform OP’s next steps. You sound like you’re living in a deluded, fantasy world if you don’t think that is the case.

Gosh, who pissed on your chips today?

Did you forget where you told the OP that her boss is not going to want her to rock the boat or else her own position is on borrowed time?

I will return to my deluded fantasy world where I’ve successfully managed and led teams of diverse (and at times difficult) people globally for over 3 decades and get paid a 6 figure salary for doing it, with my position (and reputation) dependent on glowing 360 feedback from across the organisation (which is number 1 globally in our industry). What would I know about leadership, employment law or even reading comprehension? Thanks for so eloquently putting me in my place. 🙄

You're not pathetic, you just need to fake it until you make it. Draw strong boundaries, get your manager on side and don't let them take the piss out of you.

You’re not too nice, you’re being bullied and that’s undermining your confidence. Being bullied is horrible. I think it’s also usually assumed that bullying only goes top down, but it goes in all directions.

The problem isn’t you, it’s 100% them. Their behaviour is childish, unprofessional and unacceptable. I can’t abide bullies!

Have you spoken to your manager about this? They should help you manage it and support you. Record the incidents in writing and tell them it’s unacceptable, and then forward on to your manager (not copy in, forward) so it can be a starter for the conversation. If it happens again, rinse and repeat.